Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m 13 and obsessed with a boy, should I save myself for him?

teenage teacher student

School crush

I've liked someone a lot for two years now, and I just want someone to tell me what to do because I'm completely lost.

I'm thirteen. I started an interest in him when I was twelve. I knew him despite being in a girls-only-Islamic-school-in-SAUDI-ARABIA because I was in a co-ed bus.. simply because there are no other cheap buses that aren't co-ed. :/

Anyhow, I knew him since I was eleven. I never really looked at his face, I only heard his voice when he'd speak to his friends. He'd speak really ill language and talk about things like porn, which I found disgusting and ignored it. He'd be the only one talking in the bus out of 11 people or so, and I'd grown to just ignore it.

Then, I started noticing small details about his character. A girl in my bus wanted to give something to the driver and he went out of his way to help her. He always lets people go in before him. He'd go outside with his friend in the hot sun only to wait with his friend for his friend's sister who'd take forever sometimes.

We both eventually started noticing things about each other. I was always the one to get off the bus to look for someone who hasn't come yet, to help others.. He'd always turn his head with curious eyes. Still then I wasn't so interested..

Then, one day, all the girls were absent in my bus because most people were absent that day since there was no studying. The next week was end of year exams' times and we end early, so I had to ask one of the boys when the bus should come. I chose to speak to him because he seemed nice. I was so scared and shy I forced myself to talk to him when he was just about to go outside of the bus to his house. I was just supposed to ask, "10 o'clock, right?" and he says "Yes." but it somehow went longer. I said, 10 right? 10:30? ok fine, thank you, and he said your welcome.

That's it. But something about the way his eyes didn't linger anywhere but my eyes and stayed fixed, something about the way he leaned in so eager to talk to me, something about his encouraging and sweet body posture made me appreciate him.

I started liking him a lot, and noticed we were very similar people. He really respected Sahabah and the Prophet(S). But he spoke so ill, I felt so ashamed I liked somebody like him. Honestly, at that time I struggled with the sins of the Internet and lowering gaze so I felt in the same situation, but I never took pride in it.

Now, I left that bus last year, and I feel like I forgot about him, but, no. I dream about him all the time. I think about him all day. I decided I'd use this as a good deed and made du'aa to marry him and to make him a good man and a pious man for me and for everyone else, good to his parents and good to our children ya rabb. I wake up at midnight sometimes and the first thing I think of is him, so I make du'aa to marry him all the time. Before fajr, in Jumuah prayer, Salatul Istikhara for guiding me on this issue, and so on.

I feel like I give him too much attention and most of my Ibadah I end it with du'aa for marriage. I think I'm too obsessed now, and I once saw him and he saw me, and we both just looked deep into each other's eyes for a moment. (I found out today lowering your gaze includes the face of a nonmahram). Nowadays we always somehow notice each others' presence but I never look up out of modesty and I feel he does the same.

We do a lot of things the same and he's so similar I guess what he's thinking. I think he also likes me and there are here and there proofs of that.

I don't know what to do. Should I keep liking him so I keep myself pure for him for marriage and trust Allah from the amount of du'aa I've made? Should I forget about him? I am someone who has high control over my emotions, if I don't want to be sad, I won't be sad. If I don't want to like him, I could convince myself he isn't a good husband for me. But I don't know?? I can't marry him at the age of thirteen, I told myself I'll wait nine years and if Allah unites us like the du'aas I've made, then I will propose. If not, I will wait for a proposal from a pious man.

Am I thinking too far? Sure I'm thirteen but I do have high goals set for myself. I don't know what to do, please help. I saw him today accidentally and he immediately lowered his gaze and I felt ashamed and did the same..

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12 Responses »

  1. My dear.

    You're only 13 and you have a lot of life ahead of you, in Sha Allah. You're only just reaching puberty and it's normal to feel attraction to boys, but remember that the shaitan know that too and use it against people to convince them over time to commit sin.

    Shaitan is so patient and is not going to just up and make you commit major sin. It will start with a look and then asking for bus times...then it will become bigger and bigger. A good pious boy, who respects the Sahabah, loves what Allah loves and hates what Allah hates. So, porn and bad language are not the interests of someone concerned with their religion. Going toward this boy will only take you away from Allah.

    I don't want to tell you to stop making dua for him, but if you keep him in your mind then I think you will have problems. You will begin to think attention from him is from Allah when it's not. You can make duaa for a pious husband, maybe not this boy specifically because you have a lot of potential life ahead of you and you will definitely change in 3 years, 6 years, 9 years. You won't like the same things or be the same person.

    The key to staying out of sin at this age is by staying close to your parents (if they are staying out of sin). And in the future, when it's time for you to marry then be open with your parents about what you like because they will most likely want to choose for you.

    I'm making dua for you, sister. Don't compromise yourself or innocence for cheap because the purity of our Muslims is worth more than all the gold in the world.

    • Yes, actually while writing this I already felt like I knew the answer.

      I'm not able to stop my feelings, and I left it at that.
      There was a time, maybe three weeks before I posted my question, where I made du'aa for Allah to guide me, and that day I read about a story of a sister with a horrible husband that she thought was innocent. Instantly, I felt that I would fall in the same hole as that sister. I began making du'aa for a good husband in GENERAL and not him.
      Alhamdulilah I have never acted on my attractions, and I know I would never because Allah is always watching (Ya Rabb I don't). In two years I'm moving countries and I'll eventually forget about him, I know that.
      I don't think I am a person to judge him because he's changed a lot this year, and I do make du'aa for him alongside all my friends in life to be guided by Allah, and for God to forgive us all. I hope that I will see all the people I love in my life in Jannah. I am not someone to see past a person's mistakes for no reason.

      I have always been someone with a strong personality, and honestly when I began this infatuation I was very disappointed at myself because everyone I knew said that it'd be "impossible for me to ever like a guy". I went through a phase of depression for one or two years for a couple of reasons and alhamdulilah with the help and qadr of Allah I've recovered.
      I hope this thread could guide some other Muslim sisters and brothers.

  2. Asalaaam alaikum. I agree youre very young and its good you have high goals for yourself but right now marriage isnt something to worry about. Enjoy the freedom! Be with good sisters and think of your studies plan some activities. I think you read into things a lot and are more in love with the 'idea' of him than him, if that makes sense. The idea of him being a good man and husband. Allah already has someone planned for you so theres no need to stress about this in sha Allah 🙂

  3. Just wondering 13 year old can compose such a mail .anyway ,my suggestion for you is ignore these crushes and foccus on studies

  4. You seem to have a crush and you are Infatuated with this guy. It has got to do with your age. Immerse yourself into studies of both deen and dunya, engage in a hobby you like, help your mother at home... in short, keep yourself busy and tire yourself out and then have a good night's sleep. Soon, you will realise you hardly think about him and with time you will get over him.
    You are too young and when it is your time, you will meet your life partner IA.

    • Jazakillahu khairan for such simple advice, well appreciated.
      I have actually been doing that and al hamdulilah I'm improving. Haha, I don't think he's a life partner!
      I barely know him, he barely knows me, and that's how it'll be. If the Qadr of Allah is not like that, and we someday meet, fine, but none of that has happened and I will just wait patiently and not jump too quick for adult-y stuff.

  5. Sister,

    Marriage will happen at the right time with right spouse preserved by Allah. Its upto your decree to involve in haram relationship or not. If you do you following path of devil otherwise glad tidings! Allah is happy with you.

  6. 13 yrs Old - from - Kingdom of Saudi Arabia - fluent English composition really a thing to WONDER about.

    Anyways girl you have a long way to go. Concentrate on your studies be independent and then think & plan for marriage. You left the bus, so close the chapter too.

    May ALLAH bless you

    • I've always gone to international schools, and English is my first language. I find punctuation and grammar important. Sorry if it's a little suspicious. Ameen and May Allah bless you too.

  7. good day to make my question short..

    • Good day and thank you for your question; I do encourage you to accept Islam; however you must submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah (God willing).

      Wael Editor

  8. Can you guys remove this post? I just wanted my question answered, I'm embarassed and afraid this is a way of exposing my sins, no?
    Even if it isn't I'm still ashamed and I fear someone I know will read this and be disappointed in me.

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