I’m 16 and want to get married
Salam alaikum
I'm 16 and I've recently been proposed to by a 26 year old man, he proposed because he wants to get married now but my parents refused because I'm still in school, I feel as if that if he had proposed as in an engagement so we could get to know each other while I finish school, that my parents would have agreed.
Personally I have no problem with the age gap, he's a very good guy, everyone talks about how good he is. I will see him at gatherings and weddings and I don't want him to marry anyone else. I crave this intimacy with someone, just to be loved and have a life with someone. All three of my sisters are married and it just seems like they have the perfect life with their husbands. I crave for all that too, is it to much to ask for?
Last night I had a dream of me and him bonding and laughing at a table.
muslimah95
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I personally think your parents are right to wait until you graduate from high school before getting you married. The reality is that unfortunately not all marriages are loving and not all of them last, and an education is crucial for women to be able to provide for themselves and fend for themselves in this world. Your sisters may seem to have wonderful loving lives and that's probably true, but it's also true that marriage is hard work. Your sisters come over with their husbands and you see them get along and be loving towards one another, but you don't see what goes on in their homes, you don't see when they argue and fight (believe me, all married couples fight no matter how much they love each other), you don't see when they say hurtful things to each other or when they give each other the silent treatment, you don't see when your sister has to swallow her pride and try to patch things up even when she's still hurting just to keep things going. These are all realities of marriage. It's not all fun and love and happiness all the time.
I would also point out that while a 10 year age gap is not perhaps too great in some cases, there's a big difference between 16 and 26 that extends beyond the age gap. At 26, this young man is an adult who's completed a university education and gone out into the workforce, he's met all kinds of different people and he's had a chance to know himself and figure out what he wants in life. Maybe he's even traveled a bit. All these experiences create a much bigger gap between you two. At 16, you still haven't had enough experience in life and with people to know what you want out of life or out of a marriage. Believe me, you won't be the same person at 20 that you are now. In a few years you won't recognize yourself - and that's normal! But what it means is that the marriage that might be great for you now will be a terrible fit for you in just a few years.
My advice to you therefore is to listen to your parents - they have your best interests at heart Inshallah. You are very young and you will Inshallah receive many more proposals that will be even better and more suitable for you than this one. In the meantime, focus on your education. Even if you lived a charmed life, you will be eternally grateful for it. An education is the most valuable thing a person can have, and no one has ever regretted prioritizing their education. I hope that you are planning to continue on to college, which is essential these days if one wants to have a marketable skill in case they need to work one day. In a few years, you'll have grown into yourself so to speak and you'll have a clearer idea of who you want to marry and why.
Salam sister,
I agree with the above comment, and want to add to it. There are so many factors good and bad to weigh in this situation. It has happened before that these marraiges can work, but they are very delicate and require a lot of patience from both parties.
Growing up has a lot to do with it. I know it seems hard to imagine yourself with any other preferances than what you have now, but it does happen easily as you grow. Graduating high school is only one hurdle, as well as going on to college and completing. Most young people need the freedom of being single in order to push themselves through to finish college, while being inside of a marraige means so much more pressure to have kids and keep up with responsibilities. If you live in the West please do not think of skipping college, it will ruin your life. Even community college is better than nothing, and a 26 year old man should understand that. To resolve this matter either 1) wait on marraige to finish college; or 2) get a nikah and live apart with less responsibilities (very rare arrangement, hard to get the man to agree); or 3) take classes while married and live with the added stress while it takes you multiple extra years to finish college; or 4) be a villager-style housewife the rest of your life with no college.
Age gap is another issue, but not necessarily a bad one. Being 10 years apart means one of two things:
1) there become too many differences, which often happens if a couple are young {like you}, impatient, selfish, lack communication, or just change too fast for eachother; or
2) the older partner can guide the younger, which can promote understanding (or adversley create fights over superiority).
Faith and parental consent are key aspects. If you live in the West, you may notice that its the social norm to date...PLEASE do not confuse high school dating with marraige. Dating in high school means running around having sex like rabbits and creating drama for fun, which is all completely Haram. Muslims do not date for the reason that we are dignified in loving ALLAH swt first in our lives; and marraige is a means of worship to Him. Please do not confuse dating with marraige. That being said, marraige means being an adult, and keeping track of your Deen. Keep communication open with your parents before and after marraige, as they have an important say in consenting to the marraige, signing legal guardianship papers, ect. In America you are not fully a legal adult or allowed to marry until 18. In other Western countries I think it is similar.
Above all, love Allah swt first, and pray for His guidance. Dont get married just because the man flirts with you or promises love and so many things. The best reason to get married is to complete half of your Deen, and worship Allah swt.
Hope I helped,
Shereen
Thank you for adding this Shereen. You are right, many young people even in Muslim countries think that marriage is like having a boyfriend. It is not. Marriage is a commitment in the eyes of God, it comes with obligations, responsibilities, and rights for both partners that must be fulfilled because we will be asked about them on the Day of Judgement.
MashaAllah so good answers from both of you Shereen and NE
I say go for it have a word with your mother tell him to hve word with your father. Do is to khaa. As well good guys r good..
N sme one who like u is nice to hve
I actually have a problem as well,
There's this guy he's 20 and I'm turning 18 in a few days. We're both Muslim and he's this incredibly sweet smart and kind guy. And he asked if we could get married. He talked to his parents about it and they accept but my parents will not. They say I'm still too young. Even though at age of 17 I've already finish an associates degree. We'll both definitely still attend school until we get our bachloers but I just feel like it should be official espically since we both like each other and his family accepts already. I don't want to be in the haram and date or do anything of that matter but I also don't know what else I could do, I don't want to go behind my parents back either.