Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m 18, in love with a non-Muslim black man but scared of my family

Sout Asian woman with black man, Indian woman, two doctors

Please don't be judgmental, I'll pretty much be judged by my relatives anyway.
I need advice, not a lecture. Please answer with an open-mind.  Thank you.

I have known this guy for four years. I met him through a mutual friend and it's online.

He was very distant at first and he is also very reserved around a lot of people. 2 years ago, he started opening up to me and we became good friends. He's very admirable and is good at everything he does. He's very caring, calm and mature. He's always helping me out with my problems. He's always listening to me and does not complain about anything. He's also very understanding and has a big heart.

A few months ago, I told him I liked him and he returned my feelings.

We have pretty much fallen in love and he says that I'm the only one for him and I feel the same. The place I'm in (South Asia) has a lot of men who disrespect women and treat them as if they inferior. If you're from S.A, please don't be offended but that's how majority of the men in countries in S.A are and I know a lot of men like this. My father left my mother for another woman and treats my mother badly while he treats the other one like a queen. Same with my aunt. Her husband has left her.

The guy I like, he treats me like I'm a queen and does not seem interested in other women, only me. He tells me I'm beautiful and that I'm a good person whenever I feel down. I have problems with low self-esteem and he's always helping me feel good about myself. I've been depressed because of my family (mostly because of my father) for as long as I can remember. My father has always been abusive towards me, my brother and my mother. Especially me and my mother. I almost lost myself.

I told my mother that I would never marry anyone because I have seen how my dad and my uncle are. A few of my friends have also been in the same situation (father leaving them) and that made it worse. But ever since he came into my life, I've found myself smiling for no reason, I've become happier, I haven't been cutting myself (I used to do it to cope with stress) and I feel more confident in myself. I've also started praying more and thanking Allah (SWT) for giving me such a wonderful person in my life. I've learnt to look at the positive things in life and I have honestly never felt this way in my life.

I feel like I can have hope in love and marriage again. I had lost that and I remember praying to Allah (SWT) to give me a person I could love, someone who was good and someone who was able to make me feel alive.

He and I connect. There are times when he finishes my sentences and knows exactly how I feel. He can tell when there is something wrong or when I am upset. I feel nervous around him and my heart always skips a beat while talking to him.

The problem is, he's black. I don't mind and I have discussed this with my mother. She isn't racist and so isn't my brother. The problem is my father who is somewhat racist (he makes racist jokes) and my relatives. They are always going on about people with fair skin and they basically have no problem with a boy from theeir own family being dark complexed but if it's someone else, they have a huge problem. They are always saying "oh, if you're dark, no one will marry you."

It really bothers me. I hate racism and I am against it.

My mother told me that if I consider getting marred, I should marry an educated man who is older than I am and he should be rich.

The educated and older part fits him (he's 24, I'll be 18 in a month) but he's not rich. And honestly, I don't want money. I just think that he should earn enough for us to survive and never depend on anyone. I have discussed this with my mother, she does agree but then sometimes she says I should get married to a rich man.

He has a job. He is a busy person. He says he wants to go into voice acting, make some money and then come and see me. He's from a catholic family but he's an atheist. He asked me about Islam and he agreed with its preachings. I actually felt comfortable talking with him about it.  I told him I won't do anything with him until marriage and he said, "you're my lady and it would be disrespectful of me to go against your wishes in such a manner." He is not a virgin but he said it was once and he says he won't do it and that he will wait for me.. He's not alcoholic and hates alcohol and does not consume pork at all. He does not do drugs and is always listening to me and advising me. I know he'll convert but I'm just scared of  what my relatives will say and about my mother.

My mother says she will never make me marry a man for whom I don't have any feelings for. My father said that I can marry whoever I choose to marry because he does not care. He says that I should just tell him I'm getting married, whether he comes or not.

My brother is the only one who won't (probably) object. The problem is, my eldest aunt would try to interfere and she has a habit of humiliating people and I don't want anyone to say anything about him or his looks or anything. He is handsome but I know my relatives. I don't want them to say anything and I feel that it's none of their business. What should I do?

- dreamerscharms

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43 Responses »

  1. Salam.. I read your question, and well, I'm not going ato give u a lecture but I think you need to rethink about this whole situation.
    Im not talking about he is black, colour doesn't matter to me.. i'm not talking about culture either. I'm talking about religion. Sister, the guy whom you are in love with is not even a Muslim. While i think it's great you're helping him to See the Light, I don't think marriage is suitable. He needs to be a pious man, a man who know about Islam before he can marry you. It's like this- a teacher needs to study first before she can teach right? He's a man, my sister, if he's your husband, do you think he can lead you in prayers? Read Quran to you? Live in Islamic teachings? Insya Allah after he completes his duty as a Muslim, he can marry you 🙂 I'm all up for that..

    Another thing my sister, is the word you used-love.. Do love exist before marriage? All those sweet talks, saying you'r beautiful, you're the Only one for me, you're perfect.. all this are words coming from a man-thus you need to be careful.. Sweet talks are from Syaitaan, my sister.. All those love words-it didn't come from his heart, it comes from lust.. A lot of young girls are being cheated through this, through the so called love. Almost every one went through it, I'm just protecting you against it. Right now, sadly, you are in a haraam relationship, and Allah will now help you to get the guy.. If He loves you He will protect you from it, bring you out of this relationship. I know you know it's haraam.. and i know you're trying to make it right..

    My advice to you is to talk to your family if you are really serious in wanting to marry him.. and pray to Allah.. if your family is against it.. then there's nothing you can do. I've been there sister.. Im just helping you so that you won't feel what I felt.. Before it's too late


  2. Assalam oalykum wr wb..Well sister you are still novice being precise concise .Well if one person acts bad it doesnt mean all of them are counted in same scale?

    What if this same person also left you after marriage?He is behaving good because he wants to marry you . and after your marriage he wlill leave you. If he was a practicing catholic even committing fornication is haram for them .Then why did he commit? Anyone can asbtain from alcohaol ,drugs..pork etc.. what matters is Abstaining from the lust in which he failed! Secondly youcant marry him unless he is a muslim. He has to understand the meaning of tauheed. Its adjectives and prophet Muhammad saws.

    I have seen many cases of this sort where the non muslim guy married a muslim girl. by accepting islam before marriage he was treating her like queen after marriage he showed her real traits.


    Lets see how he assimilate this step of yours

  3. My Sister,

    Please Please PLEASE find someone who shares your faith. Someone who loves and fears Allah.

    Without this basic core, any relationship is doomed. You may find temporary happiness, but you must focus on pleasing Allah and living a life that will get you to Janna. Allah will be with you if you remember Him in all things.

    - Your Brother

  4. Tell him if he's serious he has to learn about Islam, learn about allah.. Revert and then he can marry you, I know about the nosey relatives but tbh Allah is your judge and isn't Allah the best of all judges?please refrain from meeting this man or letting yourself go into the any deeper, as it can leave very bad emotional scars, please don't cut yourself as this body is given by Allah and your harming it, be a good lim
    I'm girl and make your mother proud people will blame your mother if things go wrong

  5. According to Islam, you should not marry an unbelieving man. No matter how smart, handsome, caring, blah blah blah he/she is. If he/she accepts Islam willingly and not for marriage's sake then you should marry him/her.

    If you have faith in Allah and if you believe that there is no god but Allah, then follow His command and do not marry the one who does not obey Allah.

    Look, color, race or culture does not matter. All that matters is faith. If you 2 have the same faith (Islam) then go ahead marry him. So without giving you any "LECTURE". If you want an advise from Islamic law then NO you can't marry him unless he accepts Islam.

  6. Assalamu alaykum va rahmatuALLAH va barakatuh sister,

    i made the same experience like you and i know its a big mistake if you marry him.the guy i knew was black too but he was from sri lanka.he was not into drugs,alcohol....too but he was not a muslim.he was used to say how beautiful i am and that i am the only woman in the world for him and bla bla bla but after few years knowing him i wanted to marry him but things changed and i am so thankful to ALLAH that i didnt marry this man.please sister dont listen to this sweet talks like i did too,i had a low selfesstem that is why i trusted him so much.this realitionship is haraam and until it is haraam ALLAH wont be happy with it so please stop it and let him to find out about islam and if he is willing to accept islam(not because of you but because he seriously belives in this religion ) than you can marry him inshALLAH.i am really happy i didnt make this mistake and married him.elhamduliALLAH im married today with a muslim man:-)

    wish you all the best sister and inshALLAH you make the right decision

    • Salam sister(muslim Girl) , this is Siraj i belong to India . I agree with your answer and i am happy that you have not done wrong Allah(swt) has saved my sister like you and from your message other girls who face same problem must realise not to marry a non believing man.. i am a muslim boy and i can say that a muslim who has faith even if he is bad one day he change to good as he fears allah. And its against Sharia if a husband/boy illtreats her wife/other woman.

  7. Salaam Alaikum

    I have read you post my dear sister, and also i have read other posts that have responded back to your post.

    Brothers and sisters please i beg you for the sake of Allah swt the way you try to talk about islam dont scare people away!! look at which manner you say it in, ''tell him if hes serious he has to learn about islam'' whats that about? OR ''you cant marry if hes not a muslim'' sorry but it is us ummah's duty and responsibilty to welcome our non brothers and sisters to islam inshallah. OR ''please find someone who shares your faith'' yes bro you have a point, but why not revert a non muslim into a muslim inshallah, and share your faith together to Allah and inshallah this will soon help us unite the ummah.

    i felt very upset reading above comments. Anyways coming back to you my sis, im turkish and inshallah im getting married to a pakistani. yes i have had ups and downs but open your hands to Allah with honest heart do dua and inshallah He will give you what you deserve.

    My advise is do istikhara before taking a step back or forward. completely leave your self to Allah and ask in your duas. second of all dont say oh you have to be a muslim oh you have to believe in islam NO dont say that. instead.. talk about islam, about hadiths, islam is a beautiful deen mashallah, so everything you say will inshallah inspire him, ofcourse with the manner you say it in.

    and please dont worry about you familyy, its so easy to give them a answer that will shut their mouths in a appropriate way. i mean who created us? Allah the Almighty. this life is a test, this brother who you wish to marry is living a test ryt? so its us ummah duty to see these brothers and sisters and help them to the right path and guide them inshallah.

    inshallah i have managed to help you and give you some confidence, but my duas are with you, carry on praying to Allah. please my brothers and sisters, lets hold eachothers hands and be one but not divided into sections for our culture, background, colour or etc, Allah is the One and Only who created us Alhamdulillah.

    Wa alaykum salaam sis

    if i have said anything to hurt anyone above, i ask for forgivness from you, and Allah. Inshallah

    • My Brother Kilic,

      Wa-alykum Salam!

      I must disagree. This sister is in a place where she is at risk of zina. She can, through Allah, help show the beauty and grace of Islam, but there is great danger for her. Affection for a non-Muslim could take her off her mustaqeem to jannah, and take her farther away from Allah.

      She can bring him to masjid, and introduce him to an Imam or a pious muslim brother to help her acquaintance. She cannot continue to meet with or talk to him. This is haram. If Allah chooses to guide him to Islam, then he may be a suitable husband for her. However, at this point she has no role in his spiritual growth except to act as a pious muslim woman and keep it halaal.

      - Your Brother

      • I think I have said this in my post, I do NOT plan on committing zina with him. I plan on properly telling him about Islam. If he does not want to convert, that is fine. I will never force anyone. I just ask Allah (SWT) to guide him to the straight path and show him the light. Surely it is Allah (SWT) who can help us.I have read the responses, telling me that Allah (SWT) will never help me. But I also think Allah (SWT) does not abandon His servants when they need Him the most.
        I have always put Allah (SWT) before my needs and it will Inshaa'Allah stay that way. Yes, I like this man. I want to marry him. I want him to convert and I ask Allah (SWT) to guide him.
        If that does not work out, then it also okay because I know Allah might have better plans for me. But I will continue to pray to Him because he is my Lord and my Creator. No one can help me but Him. I do not think that it is wrong to want to marry someone especially, if you plan to teach them about Islam and help them walk towards the Path Of Light. If I wanted to commit zina, I would not have wanted to marry him. I think a lot of people have misunderstood what I have written. I apologize for that.

      • good answer

    • Jazak'Allah for your reply. I have been honestly praying to Allah (SWT) for help.
      I was scared and fell sick, lost my appetite when I read everyone's response.
      I'm thankful that you replied honestly and did not look down on me. I'm not saying that 'loving' someone who is a Non-Muslim is good but I also want to HELP him convert to Islam. I spoke to him before about the teachings of Islam and converting to Islam and he had agreed with the teachings. I plan on educating him about Islam and maybe change his mind. He is a very open-minded man and I asked Allah (SWT) for help. If it does not go well and in the end, he does not agree then it is fine, I will either search for a Muslim man or not get married because in all honesty, I had never planned to get married to anyone in the first place. It's not like I am marrying him without asking him to convert. Men over here, especially the ones who are religious, treat their women badly and that in my opinion, is also haraam. I have seen how my father treated my mother. I have seen how my friends' fathers, who are religious and pray 5 times a day, treat their wives badly. I'm not saying that if this man converts to Islam, he will treat me right but I feel more comfortable with a person who understands me and does not force or hit me. I have known him for years and I know one thing about him, he would never make me do anything I am not comfortable with. I do not know him in real life but I do plan on meeting him and before that, I will tell my mother about him and take her with me.
      I have prayed to Allah (SWT) and told Him that I leave everything to Him. I have prayed that He guides him to the straight path. Not just because I want to marry him but also because Allah (SWT) is Almighty and Great in His Power And Knowledge and as a Muslim, it is also my duty to spread Islam. I have a few friends who also want to convert and I pray to Allah (SWT) that they are shown the straight path. If I cannot marry this man then I have nothing against Allah (SWT) but will dedicate my life to just worshiping Him.

      PS: I do NOT plan to commit zina. I have spoken to him about this. I have made it VERY clear that I will NOT sleep with him before marriage.

      • AmericanMuslim has given it to you straight, and correctly. You are mixing a good thing - da'wah to Islam - with a thing that has the potential for great corruption (being in love with a non-Muslim).

        Sincere da'wah is something that we do only for the sake of Allah, expecting nothing in return, seeking no wordly gain. It's a service and a duty that we perform to all human beings equally, regardless of our feelings for them.

        If you are sincere in your desire to do da'wah, then it would be best to focus on women, or on both genders but in a public setting - for example through a da'wah booth, webpage, Islamic event, etc.

        When you're doing da'wah only because you're in love with someone, your intentions are not sincere or pure. You are doing it out of self-interest.

        Furthermore, if this guy converts only to be with you, how will you know if he is sincere? We have received many questions on this site from women who married someone who converted for the sake of marriage, then - unsurprisingly - the guy turns out not to be very interested in Islam. He has declared shahadah but maybe doesn't pray, doesn't study Islam, etc. These women find themselves in very difficult situations.

        Islam is not a game. When Allah has forbidden something, you cannot find any loopholes or ways around it. It is forbidden for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man. It is also forbidden to develop an intimate relationship with such a man, or carry on loving conversations with him. It's inappropriate, because he is not halal for you. Period. You can rationalize this and make excuses all you want, but the halal is clear, and the haram is clear.

        Wael Editor

        • Also, My Sister,

          Another one of the editors on this site pointed out to me that having an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex is not appropriate. That should be saved for your husband, to make things between you and he very special.

          Allah knows best, and Allah MUST be first in your life.

        • "O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, for some suspicion is a grave sin [liable to God’s punishment]; Quran

          there is always an IF. You can't live in this world unless you end up trusting someone. Even if it's an apparently very nice gentleman that your mom or dad picks for you.One has to trust a noble person and if that person then breaks your trust, then the sin is on hiis head.

          you cant live without trusting in this world.

          • I agree that we must make a choice to trust people. However, our trust must be based on reason. It should not be blind. If I look at someone and see that he is a practicing Muslim (and has been for some time), his behavior seems kind, he is good with his family, then I should trust that person, Insha'Allah.


    • kilic, because no one can "revert a non-Muslim into a Muslim." People are not model airplanes, where you put together all the pieces and get the result you want.

      Allah is the One who guides. It is up to Him, and up to the person's heart, whether he will become Muslim. We cannot force a desired result, or count on it. And to "teach" someone about Islam with the ulterior motive of marrying him if he becomes Muslim, is foolish and misguided. It's insincere. And it sets the sister up for a terrible disappointment if the guy is not interested, or he converts insincerely only for marriage.

      The relationship itself is improper and haram from the get-go. This is not an appropriate situation for da'wah. If the sister is really sincere about da'wah, she should focus on non-Muslim woman, with whom she can have a halal friendship.

      Wael Editor

    • I really like your response. It's sensible. I can't see the point why are we scaring people away from Islam? Or maybe deep inside , we are scared ourselves.

      It's as if we are scared that the questions that 'll arise might shake us. Why have that doubt about your own faith.

      Be gracious and argue graciously. I like the part you say that instead of making Islam look so stern,

      I particularly liked the part

      My advise is do istikhara before taking a step back or forward. completely leave your self to Allah and ask in your duas. second of all dont say oh you have to be a muslim oh you have to believe in islam NO dont say that. instead.. talk about islam, about hadiths, islam is a beautiful deen mashallah, so everything you say will inshallah inspire him, ofcourse with the manner you say it in.

      May Allah guide us all to the right path. Ameen

      • Assalamu alaykum, SI

        I agree that your approach appears more compassionate and friendly. However, there is a risk as dreamerscharms may develop some level of affection for this man. That does not mean he is not a great person, with excellent personality traits, etc.

        But, we must first think of dreamerscharms future and her faith, and follow the halaal path and make sure Shaytaan does not gain a foothold and whisper falsehoods in her ear. Man/woman friendships are haraam. There is a reason for this. It can lead to affection for someone dreamerscharms could never be with at this stage. This can be very painful.

        If the man she met decides, in his own heart, to follow as Allah is guiding him, then he could be considered a possible husband. Before that, however, she cannot have haraam contact with him.

        AmericanMuslim Editor

  8. Hi, please don't get me wrong if I sound harsh, I had a cousin who start out to be friends with a black non Muslim guy, he sweet talk her for a long time ontill she ran away with h left her whole family for him, because there was no way she could be with him, now last month he starting beating her up broke her arm and left her with two kids who is almost homeless now because she doesn't have anybody to turn to anymore, there is no way a non Muslim can be trusted I'm sorry this is how I feel, and no matter how a Muslim man is mean to you, trust me in the long run he will be there for you. So please rethink this don't look at what your dad has done,

    • Sister,
      I do not plan on running away with anyone lol.
      I will talk to my mother and brother about him when I feel ready for it. I will never run away with anyone.
      That is wrong and not right. I'm not saying it will work out and I am sorry about what happened to your cousin. May Allah (SWT) help her in every way and guide her. Whether it is a Non-Muslim converting to Islam or a Muslim man, men are men and they will always be the same in my opinion.
      There's no such thing as "he is a Muslim so he will be there for you" because like I have said, men are men. And especially, in today's generation, men think they are more superior and think they have the right to treat their women the way want to. Not with kindness, not with respect and not with dignity.
      I know a lot of Muslim men who have thrown their wives away and left them. Being a Muslim man is not an excuse when they do not follow their own religion and misinterpret its teachings. What makes you think a Muslim man will not do any of these? It is not just my father but every other household I have seen. Even Muslim men cannot be trusted. Men themselves cannot be trusted. Not in today's world. Especially not in today's world. It is VERY rare to find a Muslim man who will treat his wife kindly and follow his religion. Please do not deny this. Especially in Pakistan, this is the case. I don't know about Muslim men in other countries but I am talking about Muslim men over here.
      I do also think you have a good point. I will consider it.

      • salam sister,

        you have different paradigm. its lot of difference if a boy is a muslim or not. Its just not like that.
        And regarding your comment that "very rare muslim man who will treat his wife kindly and follow religion" this too i disagree. You r into great danger by your thoughts.
        there are many girls who are really happy with their muslim husbands.We should not only think about this world but also hereafter.Life in this world is temporary,. for this temporary life you r spoiling your relation with Allah S.W.T Prophet S.A.W..
        For me i wish to face troubles difficulties and can sacrifice my life for Prophet S.A.W.I never go against his teachings whether i m happy or unhappy. We shd strightly Marry a muslim only , a truly believing person this shd be a basic criteria for relationship then you can further search for other specific qualities thats upto you. a person who is sincerely converted to islam can also be considered but be careful if he is true. I think you r still a small girl You should listen to brothers and Sisters who have given their opinion on this site. Dear sister you are valued for us as you r a muslimgirl and we are not giving comments for our advantage , we just want you to be safe ,happy and dont loose chance to janah for this petty life

        • Brother Mohammmed Siraj, please do not write "NSN" in the URL field in your comments, as I have to remove it manually each time.


        • Salaam my daughter,
          firstly i am so glad that you are asking advice so that you may be guided. We cannot even control and guide our children on the right path because of our weakness in disciplining them when they were growing up.They don't ask advice or listen to their parents and my fear is that what will happen to Islam in their life. We should not spare the rod and save the child.
          Now look at you, young innocent Muslim girl seeking professional Sharia advice from the learned Ummah. Mashallah! Inshallah you will be guided by Allah(SWT). We had black Muslims in Islam like Hazrat Bilal but firstly they became believers and then they went on to get married. You both love one another and my feelings are that this relationship is gone too far to breakup because of religious difference. Saitaan is challenging you against the Almighty Allah (SWT). You have two options, marry him and please Saitaan or give him Dawaah. this would be the greatest gift that you can present to Allah because Jannah will be your everlasting home and your children and their generation will be born Muslims. He must love Islam more than he loves you and when that happens then please marry your Beloved and all the Angels And Allah(SWT) will witness your Nikah because a union like this is only arranged in Heavens by Allah(SWT).

    • Muslimgirl, what your cousin's boyfriend did had nothing to do with him being black or non-Muslim. Good people and evil people are found in every race and faith. But of course a Muslim woman is only allowed to marry a Muslim, as he ideally shares her values and spiritual goals.

      Wael Editor

  9. Don't be scared of your family, but be scared of Allah for what your doing.

    • SUCCINT and to the point

      Him being black or your families perceptions of blacks= zero affect in Islam. Bial al Habashi RA was given such a great honor of standing on the Ka'ba for the Athan SUBHANALLAH. Not even the Prophet was given such an honor. Remind them that the Prophet's of Allah number in the hundreds of thousands and were all nations, shapes, sizes, colors and tribes.

      The fact he is a non-Muslim is not only against Allah's prohibition through the Messenger and his Ashab, the best generations, but against your interests. Interfaith relationships almost never work and you would be untrue to yourself and your Creator by allowing a spouse to misguide you and your children.

      You also miss the point of being Muslim, I think. You said he doesn't drink, doesn't eat pork etc. There's a lot more to that than benig Muslim. I could go out and club, I could not pray salat at all, would I still be a Muslim? A Muslim is one who submits to his Creator. I'm not being mean but if you don't come to this realization, then really is there that much of a difference betwen you and your father who doesn't submit to Allah?

      I think the fundamental problem is an emotional one. You have an (at least) emotionally abusive father. I'm a guy and grew up with both an emotionally and physically abusive father and older brother. I too wondered "Hey if this is how the closest Muslims are to me, why marry a Muslim woman or even be a Muslim." But sister rest assured there is SO much wisdom and consistency in Islam it's amazing.

      You're a teen right now. A young kid (yes that's what you are), who probably has never worked, etc, struggled with 'real' world issues in life. I realize how BIG this relationship and need for support is to you right now, but trust me 5 or even 10 years from now will pass like lightening and it will mean close to nothing.

      So what's the solution? Educate yourself about your religion ( philosophy, rationalism, logic) etc. Learn to love it. Question it with an open mind, read things in their historical context, religious context etc.. I wish I could say 'get help' but growing up I didn't have any either, at times it sucked to be alone, but get through it and mashallah I can say I can get through anything because of my experiences.

      I remember I went off to college saying " I will never hang out with Muslims I will club it up, date, etc" I realize how shallow that life was after a year. I meet great Muslim friends, all I did was have to approach them,accept their invitations, and made friends TO THIS DAY. Surround yourself with good company, trust them, share your thoughts and griefs with them, not a man who will take an abused individual and make that the basis of a relationship.

      My more direct advice would be You should cut off your relationship with him. See where he is with his faith. You said he went from Catholicism->Atheism (which is ridiculous considering you can't disprove God, so he's a confused Agnostic) see if you have any faith based rational friends that HE CAN APPROACH (as opposed to you pushing him with the hope of getting him to convert) to ask questions etc. I also think 18 is young. Work a year out of college with the stress of daily living and then your perceptions of daily life and its daily struggles will be more realistic and this won't seem as big a problem/

      I hope I helped you sister!

  10. Alah said do not go Near Zina.. Not just don't DO zina.. and sister, by being in this relationship, you are getting near zina... ZIna has lots of types.. Zina of the eyes (seeing him with lust), zina of ears (hear him say sweet words), zina of mouth (when u say i love you/etc to non-mahraam), zina of the mind (when you think about him in lust), and zina of the heart....

  11. Hi, some of you guys read my post wrong, im not saying black man only it could be any race, and yes I agree 100% must mUslim man cheat these days and do things. My point is no matter how bad a Muslim person is he will at least fear Allah alittle bit and be there for you, better then a non Muslim honey. I have been living in USA for 15 years and marsallah not once I made non Muslim friends that are guys. So please don't get me wrong.

  12. I don’t call myself a very religious person but I would say I have my fundamentals on track.

    I am amazed as to some of the comments posted here and feel a lot of negativity keeping in mind im probably one of the most pessimist people out there. Please, Dreamerscharms read and reread Kilic’s post. If you think a non muslim friend can get on the right track by learning about islam and converting to islam as a result of your friendship then please help him, ( I can hear the whole “HARAAM HARAAM HARAAM” playing in the background as people read my post) yes we all know what is haraam and what isn’t but like come on if by her push the guy comes to realize the straight path to be followed and embraces Islam as a result of his own understanding I think good comes out of that, and there are people out there who have spread many wrong ideas about our religion and hence people refrain from getting to know what our religion is, so if (with good intentions) dreamerscharms gets this guy to learn about Islam he shall be lucky to be told and shown the right path.

    As for the people saying non-muslims are insincere, honestly you can not and I mean CAN NOT rationalize sincerity by race, religion or culture, a man is a man and always will remain! You can not guarantee a mans sincerity if he is muslim or not.

    Dreamerscharms, do an istikhara let Allah guide you to the right choice, in the mean time tell this guy the teachings of our religion (in an appropriate manner so you are not committing any “haraam” act). Forget what your extended family will say, being a south asian I can say extended families will always talk regardless of your choice, its in the blood !

    Dreamerscharms, ask from HIM let HIM guide you!

    Ps: I apologies if my comments have offended anyone my intentions were not such.

    • My Brother Ice.

      Basically, you are saying the ends justify the means. So it's okay to displease Allah beause You know better? Suspend the rules in this case because it might lead to a good outcome? Because MAYBE this man may be chosen by Allah?

      If he does not choose the right path, who will stand next to dreamerscharms on the day of judgement and answer for these actions?

      Of course she should pray about this. And ask Allah for guidance. She must ALWAYS do so. But praying an ishtikhara regarding something that is plainly and repeatedly identified in the Holy Qu'ran as haraam? That is a mockery of Ishtikhara.

      My Sister Dreamerscharms,

      We are not judging you, that is left to Allah. We are just reminding you that Allah provided this guidance for everyone because he is well aware of human nature. How will your future husband feel (if it is not this man) when he finds you still have affection, no matter how small, for another? Is this fair to him? Could it lead to him not fully trusting you if he would happen to find out that you behaved in a haraam manner even though many people pointed out your mistake and tried to give you wise guidance on the proper course?

      Please pray and follow the halaal path. You will be happy you did.

      - Your Brother

    • And one more thing, Brother Ice,

      I am not saying any of this because of book learning or just reading the Qu'ran. I am a recent revert, but I have made so many errors in my brief period as a Muslim. What I mean is, I know the value and the appropriateness of keeping things halaal. Alhamdulaillah, Allah has forgiven my mistakes. I am offering my opinions due to my experiences in the real world. I hope others can learn from the errors I have made, inshallah.

      - American Muslim

  13. Asalaam alaikum,

    I was speaking to a brother who is going through a similar experience, but in his case, he realized that meeting the girl in an un-Islamic manner is only because his intentions are not pure and he is holding onto a "wish of love" rather than the Decree of Allah (swt). There is no doubt that he loves her and wishes to marry her, but there is a point in which he must concede that Allah (swt) has created these bounds to save him from greater heartache and potential sin, if not a complete marriage disaster. Will they be married? That remains to be seen. All the brother can do right now is give her time to see that her course resides with Allah (swt), but on her own. He can send a few prayers via email, but the sweet talks and personal confidence in each other must end for now. So there is wisdom in what we must observe personally and spiritually.

    Another brother made the observation that too often we bring Allah (swt) to us by our misery instead of elevating to Allah (swt) through His pathway of redemption. We put ourselves into a questionable or forbidden situations and then plead for help, instead of refraining from it and then asking Allah (swt) for Divine Guidance while following His instructions to us. This is difficult to do when we wrap our intentions in emotions too far gone to realize the trappings that await us.

    So let us remember than Shaytan does not appear on the surface to offer us ugly temptations, but comes disguised as something "beautiful" on the surface. It may seem to have some benefit at first, but underneath it all, we know we are playing with fire and are setting ourselves up for great hurt and failure. For those who have suggested it; we should not put ourselves into the position of thinking if not for us, then someone may not become Muslim, because that is a form of shirk as we are putting our self above what Allah (swt) can do on His own. Surely Allah (swt) will lead who He will. This is clearly stated in every prayer we recite five times a day.

    Sister Asma, I know it's hard thing to do, but you have to understand your position in front of Allah (swt) as you venture through this situation to admit that the best course is to stop talking of impending marriage and set yourself aright, first. The racism and wealth factors are indeed a red herring, but they are an excuse that you are using to justify your emotions, in turn.

    What also stands out is that you are using this relationship as a means of your own redemption to believe in love and marriage for yourself. What's problematic is that you are setting this man as a pillar of your faith in marriage. You have let other people sour you on marriage and then let this man make it seem very possible and wonderful. Yet, none of these people have really made marriage bad or good. If people follow Allah (swt), then all marriages would be great. So you need to see that whoever does what, either positive or negative, does not affect what Allah (swt) created which comes from a part of His Mercy. Even the most blissful of marriages pales in comparison to Allah (swt) and what He intends for us as we develop love for another person.

    There are many hadiths from early Muslims in which they believed that becoming wholly immersed in complete worship while refraining from marriage and its' fulfillment of sexual pleasures was a greater path, much like the Christian priests and nuns. The latter gathered this belief from their Saint Paul. The Holy Prophet told these Muslims point blank that they would not be of his followers if they believed and practiced such a thing as keeping away from pleasing their wives.

    There is one hadith (I apologize for not being able to quote it right now) in which a woman claimed to be doing the same thing as a celibate and she was reminded that her position would never overcome the positions of the Women of Heaven defined by the Holy Prophet (saw). Her act was deemed futile, then.

    Knowing your problem with self-cutting and low self-esteem, you are really taking a risk with your emotional state. This is why you cannot set up anyone to be the saving grace that you have prayed for. So when this man says, "you're my lady...," this isn't really true, is it? You belong to Allah (swt) and it is to Him that you are accountable and indebted towards. This is an example of why the interactions should be avoided.

    You feel that this man has been a comfort to you, but again, you are losing out on seeing that it is Allah (swt) that is the Best Comforter. As I said before, I know it's hard to admit that someone who seems special and brings us happiness is a temptation as well, but that's the case, nevertheless. Remember that they are "limited" beings and as such, whatever they may bring to us is insignificant compared to what Allah (swt) gives us if we open our heart to Him and turn away from the negativity of the world.

    When you accept that Allah (swt) has created marriage that no human being can affect, then you will surely see that marriage to a righteous Muslim husband is definitely possible in this life.

  14. why are you in love with a non muslim? Sister dont do these foolish things, you will get many boys of your own religion.

  15. Sistet in question,

    First and foremost, the guy you are in 'love' is not MUSLIM. In Islam Muslim females are only allowed to marry Muslim men. And Muslim men are allowed to marry Muslim females and/or pious practising jewish/christains, but seeing our current environment even Muslim men should marry only Muslim females, because it is so hard and rare to find devouted jewish and Christain females. Most are athiest. Therefore, based on the Islamic ruling a Muslim female should never consider a non-Muslim man for marriage.

    Secondly, sister, you metioned that your relationship with this guy is an 'online' relationship. Sister, even if this guy was Muslim, most likely than not, I would not encourage you to continue with him, because 'online' relationships can be really decieving. You might like how types/writes to you online or you might feel good listening to his voice via phone, or perhaps you feel really attracted to him when you communicate with via skyap but sister no matter what, the real deal is when you actually see the person face-to-face. You might not like how he eats his food or how treats his elders and youngsters. A lot of critical quality of a person is naturally hidden behind the computers. Therefore, based on this reason even he was Muslim, I would not encourage you to EXPRESS your feelings nor should he EXPRESS his feelings to you. Love feelings with the opposite gender (marriagable) are only allowed between husband and wife in Islam. Please refrain yourself from these acts and this guy.

    Leave this guy for Allah (swt) as Allah (swt) alone knows whom He wants to guide and whom He wants to misguide. You have done your part. This guy now knows Islam exists and also it is beautiful too. There is no need for you to do anything further

    Thirdly, it is good that your respected family holds no objection with your choice but in all honesty your family should object this relationship not at all because he is black but because he is not a Muslim.

    Please sister, this world, this life is a short play. Play it wisely. Don't compromise your faith, your greatest ASSET (believing in Allah (swt)) for the love of this world. Protect your emaan. Shaitan is really sneeky that he even managed to trick the first man, Adam (as), who didn't even know the gravity of touching the tree would face such consequense, that Allah (swt) even warned him not to.

    Also sister, at the end of the day it is your decision and if you decide to break your contacts with this guy (where most of the advisors in here stated to void this relationship), then please still be hopeful that Allah (swt) has inshaAllah created a pious Muslim brother for you. You just need to be patient and hopeful to Allah (swt). Don't give up on marriage.

    Please pardon me for lecturing you. As a Muslimah I only want good for you in this life but most importantly for your hereafter.

    May Allah (swt) makes this easy for you, ameen.


  16. Am not muslim or what' so ever but from my point of view I think you can't choose who you love at the end of the day wether they black ,white ,yellow ,christian ,muslim,jewish blablabla and people seem to believe in these steriotypes that black men don't treat women so well or whatever but trust me wen it comes to love you are blinded and imma conclude this by saying yes am black christian and in love with a muslim but do I let that stop me from loving him oh no cause I know that it doesn't matter what my family or his family think cause after all they are gonna have to accept it love has n eyes follow your heart

    • Hello meme,

      To be honest, we do choose who we decide to love just like we choose our friends, the type of relationships we have with our family and the sociability of our own selves. We choose who to talk to, who to spend time with and who to avoid. We all do this by judging a person's character, their actions and especially for Muslims, their level of belief. The latter is the criteria most important for us in a spouse and only then, should other compatibility factors come into consideration.

      While racial lines should never play a factor, as our Holy Book explicitly reveals, it also emphasizes who Muslims can marry based on religion. For Muslim women, that is revealed as only Muslim men. Why is this? We believe that our spouses act as a conduit to God, as in they get us closer to Him being our partner on our spiritual journey. For example, take the case of electricity. The best conduit is gold, but due to its' expense, copper is usually chosen. However, given the choice, electricians would rather use the more precious metal as this is the best pathway of least resistance. So this emphasis is made by God for Muslim women in spouse selection. In one consideration of this, Christians cannot visit the Kabaah which is a requirement of our religious pilgrimage. Therefore, if married to a non-Muslim, the woman may either miss this opportunity or be deprived of the experience in some way, whether it is a practical and/or spiritual sense. This is just one example among many.

      Now of course, just like there are varying degrees of gold, not just any Muslim man will do. He also has to be of the right level of karat/piety. This is because God wants her pathway to be as easy as possible. Again, this is not so much as a limitation as it is an emphasis of who she can marry. Just like Eve (peace be on her) was given only one believing man who worshipped God in the spirit of His Divine Mercy, which we understand as His religion upon us to be revealed as Islam.

      Therefore, as Muslims, our submission to God is that we follow His revelation on this matter, i.e. a Muslim woman is to only marry a Muslim man.

    • Hi Meme,
      I do understand what you mean. I have been there and you can't change the way you feel. But loving someone in your heart and loving someone in action are two different things. I never admitted my feelings or let them take over me because ultimately as a Muslim, I can't marry a Christian. And I wouldn't want to anyway.

      Love doesn't conquer all. If something is important to you, then love doesn't change that. Dont let 'love' stop you from thinking logically - if two people are incompatible and want different things then all the love in the world won't make it work. A Muslim man can marry a Christian woman, but I advise you not to make an emotional investment with this man until you determine whether he can marry you. Many Muslim men are not willing to even if they love the person. In Islam there is no pre-martial relationship permitted as well.

      If you need further advice, your welcome to log in and submit a post.

      Sara Editor

  17. Salaam sister
    I am a black Muslim sister, love is blind and my advise to you is to give sometime for him to practice Islam and see what he thinks. If he wants to convert then alhamdhulilah take him to the mosque. After that is marriege is a beautiful thing and you will never know what could come out of it. Nothing in life is forever. I'll keep you in my prayer and may Allah guide you both.

  18. @ dreamerscharms - did he revert to islam ?

    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  19. S. Khan
    June 11, 2017 • 6:15 pm
    Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Salaam my daughter,
    firstly i am so glad that you are asking advice so that you may be guided. We cannot even control and guide our children on the right path because of our weakness in disciplining them when they were growing up.They don't ask advice or listen to their parents and my fear is that what will happen to Islam in their life. We should not spare the rod and save the child.
    Now look at you, young innocent Muslim girl seeking professional Sharia advice from the learned Ummah. Mashallah! Inshallah you will be guided by Allah(SWT). We had black Muslims in Islam like Hazrat Bilal but firstly they became believers and then they went on to get married. You both love one another and my feelings are that this relationship is gone too far to breakup because of religious difference. Saitaan is challenging you against the Almighty Allah (SWT). You have two options, marry him and please Saitaan or give him Dawaah. this would be the greatest gift that you can present to Allah because Jannah will be your everlasting home and your children and their generation will be born Muslims. He must love Islam more than he loves you and when that happens then please marry your Beloved and all the Angels And Allah(SWT) will witness your Nikah because a union like this is only arranged in Heavens by Allah(SWT).

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