Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m a 2nd wife living with 1st, husband makes love to 1st but ignores me

Husband RemarriedSalaam I am a revert Muslim who married the most amazing Muslim man who introduced me to this amazing religion Alhumdulilah.

Anyway I'm his second wife... our marriage was so amazing at first with happiness, laughter, friendliness just too perfect. I quit my job I got rid of all my friends every social media account for him.. until 4 months in I felt he was no longer interested.. then found out he had met a woman who he wants as his third wife.. I flipped out absolutely shattered with not much knowledge of polygamy I stressed at the fact I was being replaced.

I went back to social media for a distraction. I eventually got so caught up in it again (before I met him I went on like every day every hour was obsessed) He never married that third but it put such an effect on me I became shy and quiet whenever we were together.. he found out thinks I cheated I never did..I lost so much trust and spent the next 2 years at home scared to leave cos I didn't want him questioning me had not friends spoke to nobody trapped myself in my home and when I did go out with my mum grocery shopping i would have anxiety and force her to hurry up by having a panic attack.. I would keep my head down and whenever I caught a man looking at me I'd get so angry and yell "Why are people looking at me" I felt I hated males because I ruined my marriage by talking to one.. I shut myself down completely cos I was afraid or losing him and I hated myself for ruining everything.

Anyway I would stress to his first wife about him finding another woman and replacing me as I'd see a text I would tell her he would check someone out in front of me being a smart ass I would tell her and it sort of began a thing we would tell each other what we think he's up to all the time I guess cos we were both worried and it went on for months... anyway literally a year ago he found out and they have been arguing and we have been arguing ever since. He says I ruined his family I ruined his life I'm evil I'm the shaytaan i have jin as my helpers and I've asked for help to ruin their marriage out of jealousy when I haven't done any of that and he says I have caused such fitnah.. which I realise I have =-( .

Anyway I fell pregnant and he wanted me to get rid of it.. it got to the point where it was too late I had to keep it and now I have a beautiful baby boy mashallah, he loves his son Alhumdulilah but now I have no family cos I stood up for him while they all hated (theyr not Muslim they hate me being Muslim) and he says he doesn't find me attractive no more there is no hope of us being together ever again and now I have to live with him his first wife and his children.. I used to get so angry when they'd be in the room doing it but I'd have my turn too and I struggled with that and we were together but now it's been over 6 months since he's touched me, he says he no longer wants to be with me and now I have to put up with living here being ignored by the man I love, have to put up with no more equal time, not able to hang with him anymore, them having sex all the time, them cuddling on the couch, him kissing her whenever he leaves. I just feel left out hurt upset depressed jealous it's being shoved in my face.

I have so much hope he will love me again but I have no clue how to handle this hard situation anymore... I act like I'm OK but it really really hurts how can I keep myself sane when I'm hurting far too much at times I get a bit insane but kick out every bad thought I get and fight back the tears that wanna burst from my eyes I never used to be able to handle it but now I'm trynna glue myself together when I'm breaking apart too much the glue no longer sticks.

Ahhh my life is such a mess.

-revert

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8 Responses »

  1. Practicing polygyny is quite tricky and involved and often there are complaints of injustice and unfair treatment. This is mainly because of the ignorance of man about Islamic teachings regarding dealing with multiple wives.Yours is the case of injustice and unfair treatment and I strongly believe that is because of your husband's ignorance or unwillingness to adhere to islamic teachings. Whatever may be the case, I think only solution is to make your husband aware of his rights and duties towards you. This may be done by involving elders , religious scholar or anyone whom your husband listens to and respects. Also make lots of Duas( I'm sure you are) to Allah Almighty that he soften your husband's heart towards you and make him dutiful towards you. Also try to read ahadith, Qur'anic verses , sayings of scholars regarding fair treatment towards one's wife especially in polygynic marriage , in the presence of your husband. That's my take on this.May Allah Almighty alleviate your sufferings...Ameen ....

  2. Salam.sorry for you..I'm a revert from cdn b.c born and raised here.I was very fortunate to be in the company of great scholors..and it was Allahs will..I had to change and so my party friends had to go.I lost alot but I'm happier then ever.All because my Islam is correct foundation is correct understanding is correct....so my life will be correct if Allah wills.You see life is simple it's how you make it.Shaitan is works 24/7 only to make you depress stress and angry.keeping you away from Allah is the object because our heart needs him all times. Alhamd.i have 1 wife and she is a scholor...she says if you want more kids go marry 2nd wife....but I could not because the responsibility is great..
    Any man who has 2nd wife must treat all of them equal .Theres alot ot men who only want sex..there is no love in the relationship.As we heard in the past it's a doggy dog world...These people who mistreat women will suffer in the next world for sure no doubt or else right this minute.Women have more rights then women.So this guy is a bad muslim.I can understand if hes a weak person but he should know better.Simply if you are not happy you can divorce him. Remeber if you are not a sunni muslim and follow a school of thought...then consider yourself in danger territory.....Finally is simple people make it complicated. Learn and read Quran daily do zikr daily read hadith...always keep a balance daily. This is important for everyone in order to be blessed...look be positive and use your education to serve ARE SISTERS AND BROTHERS WHO ARE IN NEED...ALLAH SAYS YOU HELP THIS DEEN .I WILL HELP YOU....

  3. It's hard to sympathize with your situation, because you chose to marry a man that from the day you met him never was a one woman's man. I don't understand why it has surprised you this much that your husband didn't stop with collecting women after you. A man that isn't fulfilled by one woman, will not be fulfilled by two, three or 500 women. Anyway, let's get into your issue...I want to start off by addressing your very first claim:

    I am a revert Muslim who married the most amazing Muslim man
    Your husband is definitely not the most amazing man, lol. To me, he sounds like scum. 'The most amazing' men of this world do not get their wife pregnant and then ask her to get an abortion. Not only is it cowardly of a man to engage in sexual activity, but refuse to take responsibilities for being sexually active, but it's also haram to have an abortion for invalid reasons. I don't know what kind of Islam your husband has introduced you to, where abortion is halal. But i wouldn't be thanking him for teaching me about this alternative version of Islam.

    Also, it's funny to see a woman that had no problem marrying another woman's husband feel possessive over her husband when he's looking into wifey #3 and 4. What makes you so special over his first wife to be spared from the experience of having your heart broken by your husband? Your husband's first wife probably felt more heartbroken about YOU than you do about your husband's next wife. Sorry, I don't feel bad for you here. Polygamy is not for sensitive, over-emotional, possessive people like yourself...if you wanted your husband to yourself, you should not have agreed to be a man's second option. When you agree to that sort of agreement, you basically indicate to your husband that you are the sharing kind.

    I don't know what options there are for you. Your husband clearly doesn't want you - this is a time for you to gain some of your dignity and self-respect back (which you lost when you became a second wife) by divorcing him.

    • Also, are we supposed to be impressed by the fact that you dropped your entire life for your husband? I personally think it's a seriously dumb move on any woman's part, to get rid of everything and everyone in her life after marriage. Not only aren't marriages guaranteed to last, but it's seriously unhealthy to have no friends, no social life, no network of people beside your husband. In this day and age, it's also quite important for women to generate their own income so they can always leave and take care of themselves if, for some reason, they need to.

      • Lindita , your answers are so concise and to the point. Sounds harsh a bit at times but you know how to slam your answers.

        Sister revert, what makes him such an amazing guy that you threw your life away and your willing to become a second wife. It’s illegal I am sure which ever country your living in. Did you fall in love to marry him or did you fall in love with Islam or became one because you were so infatuated by him. He is a jerk. What Islam he taught you is wrong. This is not how polygamy’s marriage works in Islam. Did you think you can have him all to yourself after becoming his second wife. Now you want to tell his 1st wife he is getting a 3rd wife. This man is sick. He cannot be with one woman. Polygamy’s is not to desire of having multiple sexual partners in one roof. Did you meet him in social media?

        • Thank you, Tami. I'm Slavic and I grew up in a family and culture where it's normal to bluntly tell someone that they do stupid things when they do stupid things - we don't shy away from confrontation, unlike a lot of Asian cultures. It's not about being harsh, rude, insensitive, or whatever to people, but about taking care of the people you love and care about. When you care about someone, you want them to do as well as they can, to be surrounded by positive people, and to make good decisions for themselves. People aren't doing any of that when they get into bad situations, get involved with useless people and delude themselves into believing the people they surround themselves with are good for them. Like OP that claims her husband is the "most amazing MUSLIM MAN", then goes on to list everything that makes him appear like the WORST Muslim man. Like, how can a person be described as "the most amazing" all while hurting people, being utterly immoral, selfish and haram? Makes absolutely no sense. That's like saying salt is the most amazing sugar...

  4. Your husband is not fulfilling your rights. You don't have to put up with it. You can leave. The choice is yours. Don't waste your life away by waiting. Time is a precious thing. I hope things work out.

  5. Dear Sister: I do not want to create any sadness in your already troubled life. However, your husband is playing you and his first wife. Along with whoever agrees to be his third wife. I seriously doubt any woman who really understood Islam, who had Muslim parents and/or Muslim friends would have encouraged you to marry him. It is not unusual for a foreign born man to establish a relationship with a sister who is a new Muslim. It is fascinating to most American or UK women -- the accent, the international appeal, the ability to quote Quran effortlessly. And the famous talk about how Muslim women are jewels and should be protected can be alluring. And sadly, many people in general assume that someone who was born into a Muslim family and culture are better Muslims than someone who has recently accepted Islam. I have even heard one woman say that the man they were infatuated with "spoke Arabic so beautifully". Of course, that is his mother tongue. As if an American or someone from the UK with any high school or college English can't recite a poem very well. The brother turned out to be a very bad man, focused mainly on acquiring a green card.

    You also may be subject to the most classical form of the beginning of a controlling relationship, many that lead to or may include domestic violence. You have given up so much of your life and the important resources that enable most women, in particular, to leave a bad relationship: friends, a job, finances and the means to relocate. This happens every day, everywhere. The fact that you live in the first wife's home is another red flag. A red flag about the size of Texas. Maybe Texas and California.

    Please, for your sake and the sake of your child to have a normal upbringing, divorce your husband. He is a failure of a husband and of a Muslim. My belief is that he desired you and got you and like many immoral men, got what he wanted and discarded you. Only you had his child. Reach out to your family and ask them to come get you. Ask them to realize you were in love, but things have changed. You don't have to go into detail. Marriages in the US end all the time. And family members know this. If they are as good as they claim to be they will be glad to welcome you and your dear son into your home and help you get back on your feet.

    If you decide to marry again, make sure you are aware of true marriage tradition in Islam in terms of a wife's duty to her husband and a husband's duty towards his wife. Study with and develop friendships with reputable Muslim women from different walks of life -- married, divorced, single, widowed. Don't depend on a man you might marry to teach you Islam. Very often, what you learn is what they want you to learn. And even then, understand that each and every one of us is different. Some women are assertive. Some women are not. Some women are very very feminine and some women are practical. Some women are excellent housekeepers and some women are not domestic at all.

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