Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m a hostage of love, against my wish…..

Woman alone

Assalamualaikum dear brothers and sisters,
I hope you're all doing well. In life, complications usually show up. This is life's nature. But being forced to be in love has to probably be the worst of all situations.

First of all, allow me to introduce the background of my story. I am a 14 year old tenth grader. Isn't it weird how at a tender age you begin to witness the cruelty of life? That too when you try to play totally innocently but you get caught as a hostage trying to break free from the game? Well,moving on with my story. I usually live in my cousins house ( which happens to be a joint family) whenever I visit my home country. There had always been a sweet sibling relation between all my cousins,since we all grew up together under the same roof. Establishing a love relationship with any of my cousin brothers was beyond my wildest imaginations. I had never desired so. Last year 2015 was when my cousin, a year older than me ,bombarded me with a message via Facebook which said that he has developed affection and love for me. I was shocked. I was used to constant messages from him. However, one day my mum seemed to come across one of these messages and thus, she strictly resticted my contact with him. So eventually, I blocked him.

The next part is where the devil had diverted my mind to take a further step towards my doom. I was so accustomed to receiving messages from him that along with some of my friends, I had set up a fake account to 're unite my conversation with him. It all started out as fun....until I realized my situation. But by Allah, I had never ever replied to any of the " i love you's" he sent me. I kept my conversation purely a "cousin talk". But being in the tender teen years I was, it is humanly to develop a bit of feelings towards the person who constantly keeps on telling you that he loves you. But this short feeling disappeared when I found out that he had been flirting with my friends and my sister behind my back. And when asked, he says that its all for fun and I'm the only Apple of his eye. But I wasn't buying that. Slowly, it got to the worst point. He has been constantly threatening me about proposing to me when I visit my home country this July ( which unfortunately, I can't avoid ). I told him to not do so because if he either comes near to me,talks to me or tries to touch in the strict Asian society we are, our families could be incredibly affected as well as us individuals. But however, he is so mad in love that he has gone crazy and won't stop at anything. I'm basically forced to be tied to him.

Another part of my love triangle may seem abnormal to you but as abnormal as it would seem,I cant help it. This heart can desire anyone at the teen times....this 14 year old girl has a massive huge crush on a 30 year-old man....who is also a dad,and also happens to be my distant relative. Trust me, as much as it kills me to see how much my cousin loves me and has held me as a hostage, it also tears me deep inside when I see the Apple of MY eye play with his son and laugh with his wife....LIFE IS JUST NOT FAIR. I have strong feelings for this angel man in his thirties and I have a feeling that he knows it too....but he cant help it now, can he? Of course not. Moreover, it deeply saddens me that my parents would be so upset to see what all I am doing if they come to know....especially with all the Islamic morals they brought me up with. But as I said, I AM HELPLESS. I CANT HELP ANYTHING!!!!

This visit to my home country in a few days is certainly unpleasant to me. I don't know how much will change this time. Please make dua for me my brother's and sisters. And please, help me with some wise words. Wetting your pillow every night is not pleasant, at least not at 14.......


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9 Responses »

  1. apparently calling you young would be a mistake since you seem to be self aware of your feelings.

    10 years down you will understand that its really actually hormones, or its actually something real that you feel.
    however, what if the 30 year old was not married and interested in you as well, and willing to marry you, what if you find out he is the polar opposite?

    if its right for you it will happen, if its not it wont.
    you need to be satisfied with what Allah will decide for you and once you put this level of faith in HIM, you have it made in this life and the second final one.

    hope that helps.

  2. Wassalam sister Aliya,
    Pondering over your situation, I do get the immense fear in your heart about denying your cousins proposal since he seems extremely harsh. And yes, if you are still contacting him currently, I would tell you to cut it off immediately. Because first of all, you are doing this without your parents consent. Secondly, making a fake account just to keep in "cousin touch" doesn't really give a good impression.

    This conversation you are threading with your cousin using a fake account might become a proof for your cousin to blackmail you,even if you try to protest saying that you kept it a pure "cousin talk". Sister, I myself am a young 15 year old girl and I know how hard it can get when it comes to these cases. And 14 is a tender age to be going through all these when you should be studying and building your future. However, the only sensible thing to do now is to cut off contact with your cousin.....just block him and express your disgust, tell him that you don't have feelings for him and that this is a sin in the eyes of Allah. Warning him about the day of Judgment and Allah's wrath may be of some help, In Sha Allah.

    Last but not the least, about you having feelings for the 30 year old man.....well, to be honest, having feelings for anyone is normal. Allah has given us, especially us girls emotions during this time. But what seems abnormal is that he is a father now, as you mentioned. No, I'm not trying to mock your choice. And jealousy towards his family, including his wife is also normal. But try to see it from this point of view, if you truly love him,then wouldn't you want to see him happy? And you are well aware that he will be happy with his family. Even if you wanted's too late now. In Sha Allah, Allah will surely find you a spouse better off than him.

    I hope your journey to your home country goes well and In Sha Allah, nothing will go wrong. Have faith in HIM and be sure to cut off all haraam contacts because you should know this, even if he is you cousin brother ,he is still your non-maharrem. . And you having secret contact is not desirable in Islam.

    All the best, sister.

  3. At your age I was more focussed on making strategies against my friends to win a UNO cards game. Life is really beautiful. Only, if you avoid what is impermissible and doubtful to you. It even gets more beautiful when you wait patiently for some important stages of your life and pray to Allah with all your heart. Trust me.

    My sister is just 13 years old, so I can really feel for you. Your age is to laugh, create a strong bond with your parents, study hard, aim for something that you really want to achieve in your life and work passionately towards it, make your parents proud of you. You will get to the age where people will force you to see a huge list of guys and choose one and they will also tell how important relationship and love is. Trust me. Until then don't waste your time and do not get yourself on a verge to destroy your dignity and your parents honour.

    You are truely an apple of eyes, Your parents, your future husbands and of the family that will begin with you.

    May Allah give you true understanding of right and wrong and bless you will all happiness in you life.

    • Yes exactly, I want a happy cheerful life like the other girls in my class. I wish for all the above things you mentioned. But see, here is the problem. As much as I hate getting involved in love right now, I can't even come out of it. Think of it like this, I'm habituated really bad. It's an addiction now. But furthermore, even if I were to leave contact. ....who will stop my cousin? So my silence and cutting of contact will eventually bring him to a halt??? I hope it would be so though.

      I wish I could turn back time to never experience this sort of bs

      • Stay in wudu as much as you can. Do zikr and quran with love of Allah
        Your mind will insha Allah be warded off from these things

  4. A.o.a sister aliya i know its not your faults its your parent fault see talking with non-mehram is is haram and you parent allowing you to.mix eith your cousins You can see the sideeffects of that.. It can destory your life. I request to don't envolve with physical relationship with anyone becuase it will ruin your whole life you will be destored if you will envolve in any physical or sexuall activities you will always feel ashamed when you get older
    . your age is too small Tell your parent about your cousin blackmailimg so they can help you other wise if you don't tell your parent about him he can do anything with you.. i know your feeling ashamed telling to your parent about this but this embarrassment is just for 1 day or maybe 2 day or maybe 5 mint... Its a good deal to embarss for 1 day rather than whole life...
    JazakAllah pray for me.. I am studying in university but sometimes i feel like i want to do friend ship with girl but Alhumdiallah when i remember Allah this vanished my desire.. Pray 5 time prayers.. Do zikr Read Quran with Translation... Make you emaan strong with quran hadith and watch islamic bayan.. watch dr zakir naik speech on Quran and science type on Google keep your self busy
    Remember me in your prayer

  5. OP: I have strong feelings for this angel man in his thirties and I have a feeling that he knows it too....but he cant help it now, can he?

    What makes you think this angel man in thirties has feelings for you? How often do you see him? Where do you see him?

    If you get a chance to be his secret friend would you do it?

    You are sending mixed signals to your cousin by continuing communication with him even after your mom told you to STOP. You keep talking to your cousin who have told you "I love you". Your cousin may think you are just saying NO but you mean YES. Don't be alone with your cousin when you go visit him.

  6. Asalaam alaikum. You seem quite smart for your age. Also you are smart enough to say that you're 'only 14' but you realise that at your age you are young for this type of thing so you are not so naive. I think you are enjoying the attention and affection. There is so much wisdom behind islam prohibiting relationships between men and women and as a full grown woman I choose to stay away from relationships because I have learnt the hard way Allah was (of course) right all along. Relationships like this cause damage. Its proven to psychologically cause damage at teenage years to be involving yourself in these types of things. Shaytaan makes you think its harmless. Using words like saying you are 'addicted' will make you feel as though you have a choice but you do have a choice , whether to sin or obey Allah. I think a lot of this is at your age you start to discover and be interested in men; however being interested at a man aged 30 with children is not something to be taken lightly. We do not try to damage families, and often those types of things happen with innocent contacts. Please try to spend your time in fruitful activities, being a good daughter, spending time with sisters, and in spare time learning about Allah and Islam. Shaytaan comes to us in our spare time, so if we are not busy doing good he encourages us to do bad. Your cousin is playing a game many men play if you let them - he is using you for attention and marriage and playing with other women for fun. However he knows you are being fooled for him as youve gone to the effort of opening another account to talk to him. A man who respects a lady does not force her into a marriage. You need to get space, fast, these situations are more difficult to get out of once you are in them and he does not sound like a good marriage option at all. We are all responsible for our actions once we hit past puberty, yes its harder at your age but there is more reward also 🙂

  7. I agree that you are sending mixed signals to your cousin, infact, you are playing with his emotions and he is with you. You enjoy his attention just for the sake of it.
    If you say STOP and stop contact with him, you should mean that too. Block him and maintain your limits in your visit. He is a young guy just like you. He can only do as much as you encourage/challenge him. Takes two for a game.
    It is also better to confide in your mother about this situation. But, be honest. You wouldn't want family relations to be destroyed by giving just half of the story.
    Your second issue: your thirty something cousin thinks of you as a child. He probably realises that you are impressed by him and that is it. Don't overthink.
    Your most important issue: you are concentrating on the wrong issues and wasting your precious time.

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