Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m an atheist and my partner wants me to convert to the Muslim religion

Pregnant woman depressed

Dear Community

I am writing to you because I have a huge dilemma, my partner and future husband with whom we are expecting our first child wants me to convert to Islam, however as an atheist this is morally impossible to me. I have a background of multiple origins my father being Muslim (which makes me a Muslim in theory) and my mother being Jewish (which also makes me Jewish in theory), however I have never believed in God. I have been to Coranic school for many years, have read the Coran, Torah and the Bible and even stayed at a Buddhist temple for a couple of months and thus not blindingly  saying that I do not believe in God. My convictions which could always change one day have been thoroughly thought through and debated within myself.

Furthermore, besides my personal beliefs my partner was aware of my views before we got together, decided to have a child and get married so I feel this is totally unfair from him, particularly because he says that now he cannot be with me if I do not convert.  I feel betrayed and hurt, particularly because I have always been taught that Muslim is a religion of tolerance, I support his views and beliefs and feel he should do the same. I have tried to explain that I cannot force myself to believe in any God be it Muslim, Jewish or other and pretending to do so would be even worst.  He now says that he will leave me if I do not convert. I also told him that it’s a contradiction on his side because religion should come from within and cannot be imposed; otherwise it takes that purity away. I feel that maybe I should get him to speak to an Imam so that he understands that you cannot force someone into religion.

What are your thoughts on resolving this issue, how can I open his eyes on the contradiction of his request?

Thank you for your help

maroussia


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10 Responses »

  1. salaam+++ to all

    I don't wish to be judgmental, but as far as I can see, by having had pre-marital sex, you've both become Fornicators. Thus you've both become Unlawful for Muslims, but actually lawful for each other. However I'm not an Imaam, nor an 'aalim, so this should Not be taken as a Fatwa.

  2. Peace be upon you...
    It's true that no one can force or compel another person to convert to Islam. A baby is about to be born, however, so I would suggest trying to be a bit open-minded for the sake of the child. Maybe you do not want to convert right now, but what about living an Islamic lifestyle and agreeing to raise the child as a Muslim? Perhaps this is something the two of you could work on as a first step. I agree that it was not a very good idea for your partner to enter into a serious relationship of this nature without first thinking about the consequences...but perhaps the gravity of what is about to happen has opened his eyes to his future responsibilities as a husband and a father. And if he, himself, is about to change his ways and embrace Islam as a way of life, this is a journey you could potentially take together if you both have the right intention. There was a time in my own life when I was not 100 percent sure if I wanted to convert to Islam, so I decided to just practice anyway (praying, fasting, etc.) to see where that might take me. To make a long story short, I found that making just a little effort in my confused state almost immediately brought clarity to my life, as promised in this hadeeth qudsi (note the parts in bold):

    “Almighty Allah says, ‘I treat my slave according to his expectations
    from Me, and I am with him when he remembers me. If he remembers Me in his
    heart, I remember him in My heart; if he remembers Me in a gathering, I
    remember him in a better and nobler gathering (i.e. of angels) if he comes
    closer to Me by one span, I go towards him a cubit’s length, if he comes
    toward Me by a cubit’s length, I go towards him an arm’s length, and if he
    walks towards Me, I run unto him.”

    Maybe you think you have already been down that road and don't want to revisit it...but what you see as "unfair" might actually be the start of a new and exciting chapter in your life. What I see from the outside is a man saying: "Let's stay united and make this work." To me, that seems much better than bringing up a child in a broken or divided home.

  3. Dear Maroussia,

    Wrong questions, wrong man! The question is not whether he can marry you or not, the question is should you marry him or will you marry him given that he gives you this lame excuse after making you pregnant. You know from the beginning that a msulim men will not marry a non-muslim. You are also so sure that your status quo of being an atheist will not change. Due to uncontrolled sexual desire, you both having sex and now you are pregnant. You know being a muslim is not just reciting the Shahada, it is a system of life and a set of belief. I cannot see there is any space to compromise with what you are holding. Imagine the different parenting styles and beliefs system between you two, it will only create more conflicts and troubles. I cannot see there is any future about your relationship. If I were you, I will ask for child support and stay away from him. He is not a man to rely on.

    I am a convert and married a muslim Arab 15 years ago. I was so naive to believe that Islam is simply believe in ONE God and believe Mohamad was the the last message of God. After married, my life has changed completely, I was depressed in the past 15 years old. I was not allow to do a lot of things in the name of Islam. For example, I am not allow to spend a night in my sister's house because her husband is a non-meham. I am not allowed to speak freely to a male friend / neighbor / colleague. I am not allowed to wear a T-shirt. I am not allowed to visit my male cousin. I am not able to play my music instrument, etc, etc. My daughter was forced to wear a hijab when she was 10. I can name tons of examples of how this kind of men treat their wife. Being a convert is always a convert, they won't treat you as "equal". Everything you do is not right in their eyes. The way you move, the way you talk, the way you wear. My advice, stay away from these kind hypocrite muslim.

    • It sounds like you came to Islam halfheartedly, seeing only what is not allowed, and not seeing the truth and spirituality that Islam offers. Or perhaps others around you have not embodied that spirituality. If all you see in Islam is a list of things you are not allowed to do, of course you will be unhappy.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • As-salamu Alaykum, Sister,
      As converts, we typically have a lot of issues to address when we embrace Islam, and it can take time to incorporate new beliefs or practices into our lives. Sometimes we might not understand the wisdom of something because it is so new or different. If you want to be liberated from the stress that accompanies such feelings, you have to put into your mind a few basic principles. One is that you will do your best to understand an issue, weighing the pros and cons and being honest in your assessment. Even if you do not fully understand an issue after this exercise, you should be able to acknowledge that there is another point of view that is valid and which other people believe in and practice. Second, you should always do whatever you do with the intention of pleasing Allah SWT. This alone will take the resentment out of your heart and make things easier. Finally, assume the best of your husband. If you think of him as controlling, then everything he asks of you will be an issue. But if you think of him as someone who wants the best for you and your family, then pleasing him will not cause you depression, anger, or resentment. In turn, when he sees the respect you are showing him, he will Insha'Allah appreciate it. This whole cycle of positivity will make your marriage stronger and open the path to honest dialogue without stress, arguments, or hurt feelings. When you guys are talking, you will learn from each other...and when you learn from each other, there will be more love, understanding, and respect.

    • DR sr.somebody
      Finally another sister is come out with problem of conversion, thank you sister, for giving your real life example to the person in question. still somebody is trying to prove that you are very happy, and that's what you are made to be.

      i can not do any thing, except praying god.

  4. Dear sister,

    In Islam Muslim men and women are not allowed to have permartial relationship with any one, including atheists.

    If a Muslim man or woman wants relationship the first and only channel is marriage and then relationship, I.e. They become halal to each other to hold long and deep conversation, joke with each other, flirt with each other and become intimate, have their own off-springs and have a family of their own.

    Muslim girls/women are only allowed to marry Muslim boys/men.

    Muslim boys/ men are allowed to marry Muslim women or practising women of the book (Jewish or Christian). Muslim men have no right to change or force to revert their potential Jewish or Christian spouse's religion. Women of the book have every right to practise their faith. The husband cannot stop their Jewish or Christian wife from going to synagogues or churches.

    Muslim boys/men are not allowed to marry another women from other faith, such as Hindu or atheists. They can only marry Muslim, Jewish or Christian women only.

    As for your case, this Muslim man cannot marry you let alone forcing you to revert. There is no compulsion in religion. Having this this, it is not going change the fact that he is the father of your child to be, in Shaa Allah.

    So from what I know if you have no faith in Allah who has created the heavens and the earth and whatever is between it (you, me, everyone, animals, plants, planets,sky, rain, mountains) in such a precise way then unfortunately you will have to break this relationship with this Muslim man. This Muslim man will still have to provide for your child to be.

    May Allah swt guide us all to the right path, the path of those He has guided and not of those He has misguided, ameen.

    And may Allah swt make your pregnancy and situation easy for you, ameen.

    - Me

  5. Your right he can't force you to revert, since you had knowledge of Islam as you said you studied, you should have been aware of this complications, firstly is not permissible to marry an non-believer he could have married at Muslim, Christian or Jew, how did you guys marry? Civil court only?

    Also before deciding to have children did you guys talk about what religion your children's would follow? Again as you have knowledge of Islam that you knew your children have to be raised as Muslim!

    If you take him to an imam he will tell him what you already know.

    I understand woman who know nothing about Islam and end up in this situation but you already knew.

    All I can say is that he did very wrong and he CAN NOT force you to revert

    My prayers are with you

  6. He cannot force you to convert. He's also not supposed to have relations with you and have a baby and then suggest conversion. Also, in Islam he is not allowed to marry an Atheist, he can marry a Jew, a Christian, or a Muslim. Maybe that's why he's pushing for conversion.

    There are ways to prove that God exists if you're interested.

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