Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m being forced to marry my cousin

Forced marriage

They're pressuring me into this marriage

Salam,

I want to tell you all about this crazy thing going on in my Arab family. First my parents and extremely tough and I can't even let them know how I feel about the decisions they make. I have either two choices, agree or agree.

So my mother talks on the phone on how rude Arab men are in our generation and how they only want sex and new ladies younger then them. Hearing her talk like this everyday makes me want to stay single or marry a man from another race or something.

One day, my parents started talking about marriage and associated this Iman in our Masjid. He's Arab and he's been there since I was 10. He never seems to age but you could say he's in his late 20's and I'm only a teen.

My father and him are great friends but I can't seem to have any feelings for him since my father and mother try to make me picture me being his wife. I think I threw up a little.

I happen to have a crush on this kid in my masjid. He's Somali and he's shy as well as a Hafiz. I really like him although I never talked to him or made eye contact with him. I guess it's his humbleness i like about him.

Than one day, my parents decided to show me pictures of my cousins back home. I didn't see them as people I might be a wife to, just a cousin nothing more. Than they asked for another picture of another cousin, and my father couldn't stop telling me how handsome he was. To be honest, there is nothing special about him. THAN MY FATHER STARTED THINKING OF SPONSORING HIM TO COME TO AMERICA!

Anyways, there shoving marriage down my throat at the age of 17 and I already made my decision to myself that I either stay single or have an interracial marriage.

SO PLEASE HELP! WHAT DO I DO TO GET MY PARENTS TO UNDERSTAND THAT I DON'T WANT TO MARRY AN ARAB MAN!

XxSilentIntrovertxX

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11 Responses »

  1. Talk to them. And you're still young. Make them understand that you still want to enjoy life as a single lady. Either fight for what you want or you lose it. Your choice. 😉

  2. Salaam Sister Introvert,

    In my opinion since you are a grown up old enough to marry according to your parents, you have to let your parents know that you can't marry that guy. You say your parents are very strict but you have to fight for what you want in life. They can't force you into marriage. You are a " grown up " now.

    Also, if you think Islamically, it is recommended to marry a guy who is pious and religious and it is not good to reject the proposal of a pious muslim. There is a hadith for that.
    You have to think about your akhira and if you get married to a pious and practicing muslim then you will be successful in this life and the hereafter. Thats what our goal should be. To be successful in the akhira.

    Also, it's good that you have an open mind and do not consider inter race marriage as something odd. But don't be stubborn about it. What if you fall in love with or if you like a guy who is Arab. Keep your options open and include Arab guys as well in your search for a partner.

    Also, don't take your mothers emotions so seriously. She's obviously generalising. What she is saying can be applied to men from other race as well. It's just that you haven't heard wives of men from other race complaining about their men. There are both good men and bad men in every race / culture. It's not right to generalise millions of people under one category because a few poeple.

    Also, in the meantime keep learning more about Islam and practicing more. Surely Allah will find a way out for you out of any trouble you have.

    May Allah grant you a very good spouse.

  3. Sister,

    You have a voice, use it. Just let it be known that you are not interested in getting married at this time. Your parents cannot force you to marry anyone against your will, end of story. Are you planning on going to University? If so, let your parents know that you plan to focus on your education for now. Stay strong and most of all, do not allow yourself to be pressured into marrying anyone. If your dad wants to sponsor your cousin or anyone else for that matter from overseas, that is his prerogative. It obligates you in no way, shape or form.

    Do not allow yourself to become another one of the many, many girls who come to this website who have agreed to marry someone not of their choosing out of pressure from their parents. Islam gives women rights and one of your rights is to have a voice in whom you marry. More women need to take those rights and implement them not because they want to, because it is their God given right to to so.

    Salam

  4. Sister there is a word. NO. I will not marry him, because I just wont,

    Talk to your parents, have sit down conversation, I love you both very much, but I feel like you are ....

    Pushing me to marry people I don't like....

    Or

    Pressuring me into marriage when I am not ready....

    Etc etc.

    Use your vocal cords, and say no no no no no. Also be open to Arab men, don't listen to your mom. There are nice people out there. But if you are not mentally there to get married, just say NO. No one can make you get married.

  5. Just a question on something that I see written a lot, Man and woman sit separately in mosques they have walls between them as barriers , so how are people developing crushes on someone, when there is limited to almost no contact between opposite genders and your suppose to keep your gazes low especially in a mosque of all places.

    I was just watching a few vids on YouTube about this, and saw various Islamic bodies of knowledge discussing this matter.

    • School, workplace, volunteer work, parties, they could be neighbours, they could be attending a social gathering, maybe they are on a Board or committee together, perhaps they are sitting beside each other on a plane or train and begin talking. The possibilities are endless. The world is not segregated by gender.

  6. That's not the point , the point is in a mosque of all places, and the way people describe the situation its as if they are strangers to each other who develop crushes on one another, this behaviour shouldn't be justified but questioned.

  7. Hi,

    I am sorry to read about what you have been going through. It is incredibly courageous of you to post this message and reach out for advice and support.

    No one has the right to force you or pressure you to marry, and we encourage anyone being pressured or forced to marry to reach out for support. The Tahirih Justice Center’s Forced Marriage Initiative provides confidential support to individuals from anywhere in the United States who are facing forced marriages either in the U.S. or overseas.

    Our services are client centered, which means we support you by making sure you have the information to stay safe and make your own decisions about getting married. Our services are confidential – we will never share your information with anyone else (including law enforcement or immigration) without your consent. We can work with you so that you know your rights, can plan for your future, and stay safe.

    You can contact us by emailing or calling 571-282-6161. You can also text us, or use kik, whatsapp, viber, or snapchat to reach us. If any of these are your preferred method of communication we can provide that contact information upon request. If you do reach out to us, make sure to stay safe while doing so by making sure your communication can’t be monitored. Make sure you do not use a phone that may be monitored, and it is always best practice to protect your privacy by creating an anonymous email account that nobody knows about in order to communicate with advocates or others trying to assist you or provide you with support.

    While you haven’t mentioned traveling overseas, I also wanted to let you know that we advise you to try to remain in the U.S. if you are facing a forced marriage. Being overseas puts you at greater risk and makes it extremely difficult to receive help.

    If you do go overseas and need assistance, as well as reaching out to Tahirih, you can also:

    • Contact the Department of State Office of Overseas Citizens Services. They can provide assistance to Americans in crisis overseas. Call 202-501-4444 between 8 a.m-8 p.m. EST; after-hours, call 202-647-4000 and request to speak with the OCS duty officer.

    • Go to or contact the closest U.S. Embassy or Consulate for help. To find the closest embassy or consulate to where you are please click here: http://www.usembassy.gov

  8. Your only in your teens so say a BiG FaT No ...tell your parents that you shall not marry as yet.
    You need to study or whatever you want to do. There no harm in saying No, Man your way too young to be hooked up, just say I'm not ready to get married,well not yet!
    It's your life no one can force you, although when you are ready your parents should have a right to give you away to the right man of your and their choice.
    We all have a right into saying who we shall marry, both parties should agree,you and your parents.
    Bless you,

  9. Eid Mubarak to everyone and the editor,

    Frequently, we see posts regarding forced marriage in this websites. I feel so sad and furious to know that it still happens in the community. Not only it is a tragedy in the muslim community and it is also shameful to be labeled / associated with this horrible practice with Islam! (I know it also happens in non muslim community but the numbers are way much lower.)

    Tahirih Justice Center is a very valuable resources in the US community, I urge the editor / website to put Tahirih Justice Center under the helpful resources for anyone who is or may suffer from this treatment. To be honest with you, this is the very first time I heard about this organization. May Allah guides this organization to help those victims and eventually eradicates this barbaric act in the guise of Islam!

  10. Salam sister,

    I'm Arab too 🙂

    I think there are a lot of bad men and women around, but alhamdulliah there are plenty god fearing ones too, being Arab isn't an indication of a persons piety or lack of, and i don't think you should cross out an Arab man based on some negative experiences or stereotypes, we should be judging potential spouses on deen and character not ethnicity......

    There are also many many problems that can arise from interracial marriages, i'm not saying that you wouldn't be happy with say a somalian brother, but different cultures can cause a lot of conflict in marriage sister,

    I think you need to be honest with your parents about not wanting to marry at present,, hopefully then the handsome cousin will disappear 😉 if you don't your parents will just continue and i would hate for you to be pressurized into a marriage you do not want, i do admit its VERY difficult to try and change the ideas or thinking of a traditional Arab parent and your going to probably have a fight on your hands, remain respectful but be honest and clear, perhaps leave keep the idea of wanting to marry outside your ethnicity to yourself until at least you actually want to marry, it may soften the blow for your mama and baba , and who knows your prince might just end up being arab. 😉

    I hope things turn out for the best for you little sis

    xxx

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