Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m depressed and having trouble in letting things go

True Love

Assalamualaikum...

I am a girl who is currently pursuing my studies. I'm having a problem with my newly broken up relationship where the guy that I trusted cheated on me and left me after promising me that he will get married to me someday.

Throughout the 5 years we've been together, we have done so much of huge sins and no one knows about it. One of the biggest is sex. It was him who introduced all that to me and he forced me to do all that by persuading me and I trusted him. But I never let him penetrate that part of my body. We have done everything apart from letting him in. I'm sorry. I'm so ashamed to tell all this. But I have to know whether I'm considered a virgin still or not.

The thing is that I was never like that to any other guy and he was the first one to be my bf. And I promised myself that I will get married to this guy no matter how. But now that he has left me, I don't know what to do.

I've been repenting even while we were in a relationship and it never felt right at all. It's just because I love him, but at the same time I've been obeying Allah too. I felt so guilty and it never let me go.

Now I'm so afraid that one day, when I get married my husband will get to know through rumours about my past.

I've decided to not get married forever and dedicate my life to Allah only. I was weak, I couldn't avoid temptation and now I've been in depression that I cannot even forget him for a second. And I have a feeling that I need to get back to him no matter what. But I don't want to repeat the same sins I've done with him.

I want to know whether is it compulsory for me to get married with him, what's the hukoom and can I get married to other guy one day if he came back to me?

Now I really really badly need advice from anyone and I'm so desperate, he moved on, he never cared about me anymore and I don't have anyone to tell out to. I really hope you would reply me with a really good advice.

dalilah


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3 Responses »

  1. I'm kinda in a pickle myself.
    I had a daughter at 15, My daughters father and I never married.... matter of fact he had a child before me. I believed that him and the mother of his child weren't together, since she was never mentioned. We ended up pregnant around the same time (2/3 months difference)

    I was young and naive, I stuck around... sometimes he was with her/sometimes she was not. I would sneak over there house and just a lot of regretful things, I have to live with.
    2012 or 2013 : we split..... I couldn't bare sharing my boyfriend, his actions of so called love didnt match the words he spoke to me.

    I'm 20 now and he's coming back in my life but as a muslim man.
    He moved back from out of state and was living with his mom (we were together), she kicked him out and is now living with her again. It's like a repeat from the past plus I just recently miscarried.
    He keeps telling me he wants to marry me, and that I'm the woman for him but he doesnt act like it.
    I only see him on her schedule. Im a transitioning muslimah, the more I read about islam I get sad and have a very heavy heart.
    They have 4 kids together, why does he want me? or why am I stupid enough to believe him?

    I feel like if he wanted to be with me in a moral way he would ask his mom to come back home, They claim they arent together but she is getting all of his attention and my daughter and I can hardly get him to come around.
    Weve been arguing a lot lately, cause I hate this situation. He always tries to blame it on me when he really isnt making enough of an effort to come around for me to be happy with him.

    How do i get him to prove it? or what would allah think?

  2. Salam sister,

    I hope you are well,

    If he did not penetrate you as you have advised, you are still classed as a virgin,

    Zina for sure is an immense sin, but your still alive, that means if you sincerely repent, Allah will by his mercy forgive you, in order to repent though sis, you would need to cut ties completely with this guy, repenting while still sinning i,e having any kind of communication with this non mehram, which you have had a haram relationship with, isn't a sincere repentance.

    Sister if/when you want to marry, understand that the man you marry has no business asking you about your past, and you do not have to reveal your past life to him!

    Sister you do NOT have to marry this guy and i would suggest you do not!!, your obviously a good person seeing as you felt guilt throughout, the kind of man who promises the world, i,e marriage etc to a women to have his way, then cheats, is not the kind of man a girl should wish for, your worth so much more sister,

    i love you for the sake of Allah sister

    xxx

  3. Asalam o alaikum sister. Its very common these days what you go through. You have come close to Allah and thats a blessing even if you dont see it now. Be patient for Allah is with those who are. "And seek help with patiens and salah" AlQuraan. I know how hard it must be. How uncertaínty kills you. You made a right decision by choosing not to marry, but dont make it for life time. Be close to Allah! For He is your creator and He hears you when you repent and cry with His fear. What you feel at the moment is nothing but guilt and shame maybe even despair. You need time dear one! Take your time and dont block the feelings of shame and guilt. Repent to Allah, pray regularly, read Quraan with translation. It will take time, but Allah is all merciful, He will heal you, forgive you, in the end even give you! Thank Him that He got you out of that sinful miserable path of darkness and saved you from million times more painful hell fire and torment. Dont think of the guy who used you, cheated you and then in the end left you with a note that some day he will marry you?! I know my words must be as bitter as poison when I say these things for him but you gotta see this. You are complete whthout any man but you are incomplete without Allah and the light of the heart. Persuit your goals, come to the nature(islam), leave the past because you are not that anymore. Prophet (pbuh) said" the one who repents is like a child just born from hs mother’s whomb"
    It is hard! I mean hard as in you would prefer a bone fracture or worse over this pain but you have God’s help, who made you, him, and everyone else. Make a journal or write why you wouldnt want to go after him and read it every now and then. Allah is always there. He will never leave you, He will never stop loving you even though you broke many of His boundaries. He is the begining and He is the end, He has the cure you need, go the One! Who holds the key to your and everyones happiness and peace., not to Him who wronged you and then left you to spoil someone else.
    Ask Allah to save your reputation, give you peace and help you move on. It is not compulsory for you to marry him by any islamic ruling and you can marry any muslim man the right way of nikkah. So dont worry about that and make the right decisions. In my opinion take a year or so off from all this and regain youself and built your strength.
    When you wake up in the morn(its the worst time) seek Allah’s refuge from shaitan (he wants to make you desprate from Allah’s mercy). Whenever he comes to your mind do that. Read duas and dont think of the past rather read Quran and keep yourself busy in astaghfar and duas.
    I have collected these duas for peace of heart and to repent. Read them regularly and frequently and believe Allah will help you.
    لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفۡسًا إِلَّا وُسۡعَهَا‌ۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتۡ وَعَلَيۡہَا مَا ٱكۡتَسَبَتۡ‌ۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذۡنَآ إِن نَّسِينَآ أَوۡ أَخۡطَأۡنَا‌ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحۡمِلۡ عَلَيۡنَآ إِصۡرً۬ا كَمَا حَمَلۡتَهُ ۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبۡلِنَا‌ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلۡنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِۦ‌ۖ وَٱعۡفُ عَنَّا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَٱرۡحَمۡنَآ‌ۚ أَنتَ مَوۡلَٮٰنَا فَٱنصُرۡنَا عَلَى ٱلۡقَوۡمِ ٱلۡڪَـٰفِرِينَ

    إِنِّيْ أَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْهَمِّ وَالْحُزْنِ
    وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْعَجْزِ وَ الْكَسَلِ
    وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ 
    وَأَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِن غَلَبَةِ الدَّيْنِ وَقَهْرِ الرِّجَالِ.

    La ilaha illa Allah Al-’Azim, Al-’Alim, la ilaha illa Allah, Rabbul ‘arshil ‘Azim, la ilaha illa Allahu, Rabbus-Samawati wa rabbul ardi wa rabbul ‘arshi karim

    Ya Hayyu, ya Qayyumu, bi-rahmatika astaghithu 

    ‘Allahumma rahmataka arju, fala takilni ila nafsi tarfata ‘ain, wa aslah li sha’ni kullahu, la ilaha illa anta

    ‘Allah, Allah, Rabbi la ushriku bihi shai’an 

    La ilaha illa anta, subhanaka, inni kuntu minadh-dhalimin

    للّهُـمَّ إِنِّي عَبْـدُكَ ابْنُ عَبْـدِكَ ابْنُ أَمَتِـكَ نَاصِيَتِي بِيَـدِكَ، مَاضٍ فِيَّ حُكْمُكَ، عَدْلٌ فِيَّ قَضَاؤكَ أَسْأَلُـكَ بِكُلِّ اسْمٍ هُوَ لَكَ سَمَّـيْتَ بِهِ نَفْسَكَ أِوْ أَنْزَلْتَـهُ فِي كِتَابِكَ، أَوْ عَلَّمْـتَهُ أَحَداً مِنْ خَلْقِـكَ أَوِ اسْتَـأْثَرْتَ بِهِ فِي عِلْمِ الغَيْـبِ عِنْـدَكَ أَنْ تَجْـعَلَ القُرْآنَ رَبِيـعَ قَلْبِـي، وَنورَ صَـدْرِي وجَلَاءَ حُـزْنِي وذَهَابَ هَمِّـي
    O Allah, I am Your servant, son of Your servant, son of your maidservant. My forehead is in Your hand. Your command conceming me prevails, and Your decision concerning me is just. I call upon You by every one of the beautiful names by which You have described Yourself, or which You have revealed in Your book, or have taught anyone of Your creatures, or which You have chosen to keep in the knowledge of the unseen with You, to make the Qur’an the delight of my heart, the light of my breast, and remover of my griefs, sorrows, and afflictions‘.”

    Allaahumma ikfiniy bi halaalika an haraamika, wa aghniniy bi fadhlika amman siwaaka
    “It is Allah’s promise that anyone who recites, after every Salah, the Surah al Fatihah, the aayatul Kursi, two verses of Aal Imran, that is shahidallaahu..(3:18) and the present verse: Qulil laahumma Maalikal Mulki upto Bi ghairi hisaab (3: 26, 27), He will make his abode in Paradise, and have him placed in the Sacred Enclosure, and bless with His mercy seventy times every day, and fulfill seventy of his needs, and protect him against every envier and enemy and make him prevail over them”.
    come back to light! and lead a clean straight path. Forget who you where and start new.you are strong because the most powerful and mighty is with you. You dont need anyone or anything.
    May Allah bless us all with peace and light to guide us to the straight path Ameen. Wasalam

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