Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m fed up with my husband’s unemployment and abusive family

Interfering sister in law


I’m a 30-year-old woman with a 2-year-old child and inshallah 1 on the way.  I’ve been married for almost 3 years now and living with my in-laws.

My husband worked in the first year and then stopped working due to a lack of work from his employers. He never bothered and tried to look for work after that. My father-in-law sold his business and gambled most of the money. So they were also left with no income.

I help pay for rent with the money I get for my child and me. I do shopping for the house. I help cook. I clean and do what a wife should do. My husband fights with me due to having no money from either his parents or me. I tell him to go look for work and that he has to do something. He will then yell at me and tell me to stop whining. My in laws always get involved in our fights.

My father in law has kicked me out of the house with my son. And so has my husband. My father in law always says I never put money in the house (which I do).  I also help with bills. That’s all from my government money. I sometimes cry because of the way they treat me.

My husband likes to yell at me in front of his parents. I’ve tried so many times to speak nicely to them all and it just seems to go through one ear out the other. Also when I pray to Allah (swt) my father in law will tell me that my prayers are not accepted because I’m doing it wrong (mind you my father in law doesn't pray). And other times me and my husband will argue and then he will hit me and swear at my family and tell me to go back to my parent’s house which I did.

Then my father in law wanted to divorce us with out even asking my husband or me. He told my dad that he doesn't want me anymore. Then my husband ended up coming to me and saying sorry.

The whole point of this story is that I can’t take it anymore and I don't know what else to do. Because it always seems that I’m wrong in their eyes. I think I have been patient enough. I’ve never disrespected my in laws. And I hate the way they treat me. I tried to tell my husband that he should work and we should save and move into our own place and all he does is ignore me.

I can go on and on but that's just some of the things I put up with.

Please give me advice of what I should do?


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7 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister, you have suffered alot and none is your fault, but your husband and your in laws are in the wrong, especially with their demands, not only is that haraam but it is not your place to provide money for anyone.
    Your husband is a slob, sorry to be blunt but thats true, he dosent have the drive or motivation to get of his backside and earn a living, but that is a requirment of him from Allah, and his decision to yell at you is beyond me, he seems like a coward, who covers up his lack of resources by taking it out on his wife and from reading your post you seem more like a lodger than a wife, which is very sad because masha'Allah you have a young child and another one aswell soon and your husband should be supporting you, him asking your for money is haraam and you have every right to refuse him, its is the mans duty to provide for his family and in your case its lack of drive and energy thats the cause rather than lack of jobs.
    They kicked you out, these people are not human to put a young child on the roads is inhumane and especially the father, does he have no sadness or guilt at putting his beautiful child out on the streets with his wife, no shame at all and this man needs to 'man up' and face his responsibilities.
    As for your father in law, i pray that Allah shows him the right path, because from what you write he seems shaytans advocate, gambling away money and then he has the nerve to tell you that your prayers are not accepted, sister take no notice of this man, he is in the wrong and needs to mend his ways, and to divorce you without asking either partner, he is a deluded and power hungry man, its seems he likes bossing people around and changing things into his way, and his son(your husband) is shadowing his behaviour, you can only pray that this man changes his ways, because he is in the wrong and has a dislike to you, once again take no notice of his tripe.

    And other times me and my husband will argue and then he will hit me and swear at my family and tell me to go back to my parent’s house which I did.

    it is forbidden in islam for a man to raise his hands towards a woman, and this action backs up my former points of him being a coward who cant face up to his failings and blames you, in such a atmosphere your child will pick up the hostility and it will impact his social development.

    From what i have read, your marriage lacks intimacy and love, forget the in laws and focus on your husband, ignore the past and make a effort, ask Allah to guide you and help your husband, start of by being nice and sweet despite his negativity, take slow steps but make his love grow for you and your child and make yourselves special for him, when you start to develop this intimacy and feeling, i gurantee your husband will see you in a different light, through such intimacy you can motivate him to find work and give your child and you a new home and a fresh start, aswell as the new baby, asking normally he may ignore, but if you are intimate and in a state of 'euphoric love' he will see the future in a more stable fashion, and with help of Allah will realise that instead of sitting round he can get up and make a difference for his family, talk of the future of your children in their own house, playing with toys and you and your husband watching over them in the garden etc, causing these scenes will make him see it differently, and with men as i can relate imagining the future can be a great boost for motivation and drive, since man wants to live a life of luxury, but deems himself incapable until someone, usually his wife will motivate through this dream creating that it is achievable, have patience it wont happen overnight, but keep faith in Allah and it will work out eventually and your husband will get the drive and motivation to find work back again insha'Allah.

    Your in a difficult situation, its hard to advise you directly since your husbands inability to bother or care clearly needs changing try the above suggestion and see if he changes, but while i would normally say ask the in laws, in this scenario its a no brainer, so my advise is keep faith in he who can help you, keep faith in Allah and ask him for guidance, insha'Allah i will keep you in my dua and i hope it all works out for you.

    Please keep us posted, and if you need any further help, please ask.

  2. As-salāmu 'alaikum wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuhu sister.

    You would like to know what you can do, you can start by calling your parents in law and your husband to tawhid/imān, monotheism and faith, because the one who does not pray, then he is an outright Kāfir, non muslim, this is the harsh reality, ofcourse, it's not for anyone to turn around and say so and so is a non muslim as he doesnt pray, this ta'yeen is not allowed..

    Allāh [jalla wa a'lā] said "and there is nothing upon you except clear conveyence of the messege"

    "Call to the way of your lord with wisdom and fair and good preaching"

    All you can do is to learn Islām yourself and its different Ahkām and teach it to your deprived family in law.
    Teach them to correct creed, and inshāllāh, you will see them changing slowly.

    The whole problem you are suffering from sister is that you have married into a family who dont fear Allāh, who dont remember him alot, thats why they are oppressing you, but since the damage is done, all you can do now is to have your trust in Allāh and call them to get closer to Allāh, remind your parents in law of death, so they may feel shaken, and tell them the one who doesnt pray will never go to paradise so it may be a wake up call for him.
    Inform them about the different pleasures of paradise which Allāh has prepared for the one's who fear him. few of them being:

    *The seeing of the beautifull face of Allāh and visiting him.
    *The countless virgins of paradise whom Allāh has created for the sole purpose of the men who go to jannah
    *The palaces of gold and silver bricks that Allāh has already built for his worshippers.
    * And many more treats for Ahlul jannah.

    The Apostle of Allāh [may Allāh grant him peace and blessings] has said "Allāh has prepared for the believers That which no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind of a human has ever conveived"

    You can refer to the poem of Ibn al-Qayyim may Allāh have wide mercy on him, for the detail of the pleasures of paradise.

    its called "Oh people of paradise"

    This will encourage your family in law and your husband to worship Allāh more, and then they will come to realise their individual duties and perform them inshāllāh.
    Most importantly, make du'ā for all of them and forgive them for their opression to you.

    May Allāh guide your families and husband and open their eyes and ears and hearts.


  3. Asalaam alaykum,

    I'll keep it short and simple: move back in with your parents, if you are not there already and initiate a separation, by informing your husband. During this time, your husband should get a job, support himself, rent a place for you two to live without the in-laws and restart your life together. He needs to stop acting like a suckling child and take whatever job pays the bills, even if it's scrubbing toilets on a midnight shift. Basically, he needs to grow up and stop living under daddy's armpit. The fact that he hits you and degrades you the way he does is enough grounds, in my opinion, to make this move.

    This way, you avoid conflicts with his parents so they can go on and ruin their own lives, instead of picking on you. What they see in you is a woman who is doing what a wife should do while they 'bum' around and instead of feeling an appreciation for you, they resent you. You are their target of their self loathing. Enough of that.

    Your parents support you, so rely on them for not till your husband shows that he's ready to start acting like a Muslim husband.

  4. My question is when does a divorce become effective?
    (Question deleted by editor)

    • Shazra,

      Apologies for deleting your question, but you need to log in and submit it as a separate post. It will be answered in turn insha'Allah.

      SisterZ Editor

  5. Jana,

    Sounds like a very dysfunctional family to me. Pack your bags and go home to your family and pray for each and every one of them. The way that you are treated by all of them is appalling.


  6. Seriously, stay with your parents, tell your husband what he needs to do to earn back his self respect and yours - give him a time to sort it out by. Cut off your in laws - write your father in law a letter and tell them what affect their behaviour has had on your lives and there is nothing in islam that says that a daughter in law needs to contribute to the household.

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