Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m in love with someone but lost him due to my lying & insecurities

Salaams everyone, I hope you are all happy and healthy by the grace of Allah.

I have been suffering with some issues for a long time and now it's gotten to the point where i really feel the need to turn to someone other than myself to get some good advice. I'm at a loss and besides myself i just don't know what to do anymore. it's a long story so please bear with me.

distressed girlI'm 23 years old and from london, i grew up in saudi arabia and moved here when i was about 15 years old, basically at an age where everyone is trying to fit in and find themselves. i found it extremely hard to settle in, coming from one culture to another and simply put made some very bad decisions and honestly have ruined my life.

I have come to terms with all that i have done my adolescent and teenage years, i accept all my mistakes and i seek repentance from Allah, i pray and make dua He will forgive me for my stupidity and ignorance.

I've come to realise that as a result of my bad actions and behaviour, i'm a very broken person, i'm a lost little girl, still making bad decisions. i come from an amazing family, my family is educated and comfortable subhanallah. we know our deen and religion, we pray 5 times a day, fast, etc. we may not be considered to  be extremely religious but alhumdulillah religion is definitely a big part of our lives.

Therefore my family is in no way to blame for my bad behaviour, i guess there's always a bad apple in every family and in mine it's me. Like I said, I can accept all this now because i want more than anything to make a difference in my life starting now.

I've done it all. I'm ashamed to admit it but i feel acknowledging an issue is the first step to fixing it and changing yourself. i won't go into details but i have committed a lot of sins in my life. I want more than anything to stop with my wayward ways and come to the perfect path of islam and follow my religion as perfectly as i can.

I have been with someone the past year. overall i was not good to them. i lied to them a massive amount. i have come to realise i have a problem with lying. i don't know if i'm a compulsive liar or why i do it but i lie. he was the first person i actually admit all my faults and flaws to, this is the second time i'm openly admitting that yes maybe i'm a compulsive liar. and it's very hard and sad and hurtful for me to say it. i am but i want to change.

I beg for Allah's mercy and help to allow me to change and stop my bad habits but it feels so hard sometimes.  I don't want to be a liar.

This person has honestly changed me for the better.  This time last year i was open to clubbing and drinking for example, i knew it was wrong, believe me i've always known these things are wrong yet i was still tempted and committed these sins. with the help and guidance of this person i slowly slowly changed, i can honestly say he's helped me to be the person i am today, he's helped me change for the better.

Thanks to him, his guidance and help, it's been a year since i've been clubbing or drank, and i know for a fact that inshallah i never will again. he has helped me become a better person in a number of ways. sadly, there was so much wrong with me that even though one part of me may have been becoming better, other parts of me were still bad and doing wrong. for example the lying. i also have had major issues with jealousy/suspicion/insecurity, and we had a couple of problems related to those issues, and ultimately i guess it got too much for him and he had enough.

I begged for another chance with the promise that i would try my hardest to change and control my problems (and i honestly mean that, i don't want to be jealous or insecure and i will work on changing that about myself every single day), and i guess it just didn't work out. i couldn't deal with the fact that it wasn't going to work so i did something unforgivable, i lied to him about something, something which i don't feel comfortable going into details about, but i feel so ashamed and i wish i could take it back. We stopped speaking and I thought that I would never ever speak to him again.

Allah works in miraculous ways.  While I was thinking he would never come back to me again, after about a month of no contact, we started to speak again. it got to the the point where we actually started to work on our relationship again. alhumdulillah thanks to him again i admit to my lies, with the promise i would never ever lie again. however lying, much like any other sin, is something that won't disappear overnight. sadly i messed up again, and thanks to Allah's mercy and grace, i was yet again given another chance with him to sort things out.

I'm an imperfect person just making mistake after mistake. i don't know what happened but while one day we were trying to work on our problems, the next day he had completely changed his mind and wanted no more to do with me. i had a lot of trouble accepting this because i felt, yes i've made mistakes, but i'm trying so so hard, and since the last time i said i promise i won't mess up again, i hadn't. he didn't want to hear it and i guess i reacted immaturely yet again, and didn't respect what he was saying. finally it got to the point where i had no choice but to accept what he was saying, and just pray and make dua that Allah will open his heart once again and let him come back to me. this was during ramadan.

Now unfortunately because i have already been branded a liar, and he knows i have trouble with the truth, anything fishy that may happen in the future will automatically give rise to the blame being on me. i'm like the girl who cried wolf. even if i'm telling the truth he will be suspicious, and i accept and understand that. we had a major misunderstanding, someone accused me of doing something i had nothing to do with at all, and i guess i understand that he chose to believe them over me. it hurts like anything because he's the one person who knows exactly how much i've messed up, but he's also the only person who knows i'm trying so very hard to be a better person now. and that person chose to ignore all my recent attempts and not believe me and kick me to the curb. he refuses to speak to me or hear me out, i haven't been given a fair chance to even say my side of the story. he won't reply to any messages i send and has changed his number. i am so heartbroken and overwhelmingly depressed.

I want more than anything to do right by the person. i love him and want to marry him, i want him to be the other half of my deen. i love him for Allah's sake, i want to marry him for Allah's sake. i can't explain how i feel but when i think of my future i picture it with him, a good islamic household where religion is the core of everything. i want to be a perfect wife inshallah, i want nothing more than to obey my husband and look after him and his family. my intentions are honestly nothing but pure and good and subhanallah i can say that with utmost honesty.

I've been praying and making dua day and night for Allah to grant me one more chance, one more chance to do things right and prove to myself and to him things can be okay. i know not to give up on Allah or lose faith, my eeman is thankfully strong so inshallah i won't lose faith, but some days are so extremely difficult. maybe my eeman isn't strong enough however because i spend most of my days worrying and crying, and i guess not trusting Allah enough with the outcome. if i trusted Him completely then surely i would just get on with my life?

I'm now at a stage where I just don't know what to do. They say never ever to give up on a dua because Allah loves to hear His servants ask of him, He loves to hear His servants call out to Him using His beautiful names, and they say not to give up, because Allah might be so close to answering your dua, but you stop asking Him just because He was going to answer. they also say that only dua is able to alter your taqdir. this confuses me greatly. i am asking and pleading and begging Allah to forgive me for my sins that may be the reason my dua is going unanswered, i beg Him to shower me with His mercy and kindness and love, i beg Him to respond to my duas. and i try to have full belief He will, that He will bring back my love to me, that He will grant me another chance to make things right. Allah says himself to call upon Him so that He may answer us. i truly believe in this.

However on the other hand i am only human, i am weak and emotionally i can't take much. when i pray and make dua every single moment of everyday asking for the same thing, but nothing seems to be getting easier or better, it makes me wonder. it makes me feel like i should stop making this dua and instead just ask to move on, or instead ask Allah to just ease my burden and please bring peace to my heart because i'm sorry but i can no longer carry on asking Allah for this. it is crushing my heart and soul. but then again like i said everytime i feel like this, it brings me back to the point of never giving up on a dua. so what to do? i'm extremely tired and worn out and i can't bear this anymore.

Another thing i've prayed istikhara and i seem to feel good about things working out and i think i get signs that things will be okay. but when things seem anything but okay it just makes me question everything. i know this will probably sound very silly but i also see signs all around me that seem to point to him. not silly stuff like a song that has reminded me of him, but i will see something like, for example, the name of his company which is not a common name in the most obscure places. i feel the need to look up at a certain time at a certain building or something and right in front of me is this name. and other things like that. i'm not sure what to make of that.

I beg you all to make dua for me, that Allah grants me patience and peace and the strength to face all my trials and tribulations. i have been a very bad person but inshallah from now on i will be the best person i can be. i admit to all my flaws and faults and will do my absolute best to change and be a better person as each day goes by. i want to be good.

Please advise me as to what to do. i want Allah to respond to me and fulfil my desires because my intentions for the future with the one i love are nothing but pure and good. i just want another chance. i just want Allah to open his heart and instil it with love and confidence and faith and belief in Allah foremost, the fact that with Allah anything is possible, and secondly in me, faith and belief in me that i have truly changed and will never hurt him the way i did before.

please help me.

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41 Responses »

  1. I understand what you are going through. I am also going through a very similar situation. If you're not finding the results you want, try changing your methods. Try things you haven't tried before.

    • thank you for your message. i hope you find ease and peace in your situation and that it all works out for you. thank you for your advice.

  2. Salaam,

    May Allah accept your prayers and help you become a better person Ameen.

    Ok it seems like the relationship you have had and want is haraam in which case you should praying for it and him and do the right thing which is involve your parents.

    If you repent truly for your sins, not for him but for yourself and to please Allah, you realise your erring ways and do not commit those sins again, then Allah SWT says that it's almost as if you never committed that sin.

    If you find this man to be a suitor for you, then you must involve your parents, no other way is acceptable for any Muslims.

    May Allah bless you and keep you on the righteous path. Ameen.

    • salaam,
      thank you very much for your honest reply and well wishes.
      i wrote this message quite a while ago but it's just recently been published. alhumdulillah i am in a much better place now than i was at the time of writing.
      but in response to you i am truly repenting for the sins i have committed and have no wish to return to my old ways...inshallah Allah keeps me on the right path. i repent my sins for the sake and fear of Allah and not for him.
      the issue is he and i are not on talking terms. if, inshallah, Allah allows him to come back into my life then my intention is only good and i would go about everything in a halal manner, the way you have suggested. i pray that i am able to see that day soon.
      thank you once again for your message.
      may Allah's blessings and peace be upon you.

  3. salam sister'

    What you are going through is very hard and I myself am in that position where i'm begging allah to bring my lover as it also driving me to insanity. But you must understand that this boy had given you alot of chance but you lied to him many times and hurt him and maybe he thought that if he married you, you would still hurt him. Don't lose faith in god, Allah writes the destiny for everyone. If its your destiny to be with him then you will get him, even if you don't want him you will be with him no matter what because that's what allah has written in your destiny. If not then as much as you try to be with this person you will never will be.

    The pain hurts of him not being with you, but be patience and strong. I know it hurts and you want to give up, but you know that Allah loves the patience. This lying problem you have can be easily cured. When your about to lie think what will happen in your future if you lie, how would your lord think of you, think of the hell fire, think of the consequences in the future, think about what your lying as cause you with this boy. I also dua for my lover to come back to me, but i am waiting even its killing me i'm still am waiting. This boy sounds like a very good person and if you are destined to be with this person you will. Lying is not always bad as the prophet said : 'He is not a false person who (through lies) settles conciliation among people, supports good or says what is good." but lies that cause conflict and evil is bad.

    You are not a bad person, so dont be upset we all make sins, but have admitted your faults and have repented which is very good and allah forgives those who repent and ask for his forgiveness. You must do more righteous not for the sake of your lover but for the sake of allah, for allah to guide to the straight path
    "The repentant from a sin is as same as him who did not commit it."
    "The sin that makes you sad and repentant is more liked by Allah (SWT) than the good deed which turns you arrogant
    Allah the great puts the hardest calamity on those who loves the most.
    “Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested. And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allah will certainly make (it) known (the truth of) those who are true, and will certainly make (it) known (the falsehood of) those who are liars, (although Allah knows all that before putting them to test).” [Quran, Al-Ankaboot (The Spider) 29:2-3]

    Times when faced with calamities
    1) Remember Allah in abundance
    2) Seeking Allah (swt) help with patience and prayer
    3) Always trust and believe in Allah (swt)
    4) Remember Allah (swt) promises to us when we have faith and we are patient. And verily Allah (swt) says the truth
    5) Start reading the the beautiful holy quran as it brings closeness to allah and shows how the prophets faced calamities that were s harsh and painful, but they remained patience

    Remember you must tell your parent to make you's marry each other, if you know you have changed go speak with him with someone with you and tell him to ask your hand in marriage. But if he doesn't want to marry you. When it get's difficult say to yourself you live for allah, and are living to please allahh and allah will bring happiness and joy to you. If this boy doesnt want to marry you and wants to not speak with you, you must respect that and let him go.

    I have a dua that may bring you with your lover.
    Allahumma layin qalbi (say lovers name) ibne (say mother of the boys name) kama layyintill hadidi li sayyadina da'ud alaysis salam
    say it as much as you can and read durood sharif which is helpful and brings you closer you allah and he may bring peace upon you

    I will dua for you, may allah's blessing and peace be upon you

    • salaam,
      thank you so much for your message, it really means a lot to me. it really uplifted me and gave me the strength i needed at a moment where i really needed it. so thank you and may Allah reward you for helping someone feel better.
      i wrote this message quite a while ago but it's just recently been published. alhumdulillah i am in a much better place now than i was at the time of writing.
      i am not losing faith in Allah, i know He listens to and responds to all of our duas and answers them the way He wishes to and when He wants to, but being an imperfect human i find it very hard not to feel dejected and can't help but feel overwhelmed, depressed and worried as to why my duas don't seem to be answered, and when will i ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. but everytime i feel like this i remind myself that just because i can't see anything physically getting better, does not mean things aren't changing for the better.
      i am trying to be patient and strong, thank you for the reminder that Allah is with the patient and loves for us to be patient and make dua to call upon him. my concern is i worry that instead of making dua day and night for Allah to reunite me with my loved one, i should instead give up and let go and make dua that Allah helps and allows me to just move on and be happy elsewhere, wherever it is that He wills. i feel most people will say that is the most sensible thing to do, but i also don't want to just give up on my initial dua and stop making it completely...i have heard that we must never ever give up on a dua, because Allah might have just been about to answer that dua, but we stopped making it so He didn't answer it. only dua is able to alter taqdir, and this is the reason i don't give up on asking Allah to reunite me with my loved one.
      thank you also for the reminder of Allah's immense mercy and forgiveness. sometimes i lose sight of that and think i'm the worst person. i have acknowledged my sins and i am repenting, inshallah i will be forgiven and will be one of those whose sins Allah wipes away completely and grants a clean slate to. thank you for your advice in regards to what i should do and think if i'm ever faced with wanting to lie again, i take your advice on board.
      unfortunately he and i are not on talking terms at all right now, so talk of marriage is out of the question. if, inshallah, Allah allows him to come back into my life then my intention is only good and i would go about everything in a halal manner, the way you have suggested. i pray that i am able to see that day soon.
      the dua that you have mentioned, i have heard of it once or twice before but i've never really been able to find a reference for you know where it's from and if it is actually allowed? i'm a bit wary of using it in case it's something that shouldn't be done. i've tried searching for it online but haven't found one reference for it, just mentions of it on other forums. if you could tell me more about it i would be very grateful.
      i pray that Allah showers His mercy and blessings upon you and that your situation is sorted out to your liking soon inshallah. i will remember you in my duas, thank you for remembering me in yours.

      • You say u dont want to give up on the intial dua. Wat if u do a dua for moving on and for the best but at the end say allah u no wats in my heart, my love for this person and id love for it to be fulfilled but u no best and make me happy with all outcomes.this us wat i do u see. Im in a sort of similar but different situation to u. And i had the same questions as u too. But sumtyms i think imagine if allah has already answerd ur dua and the outcome is to part for u 2. Then arent we holding ourselves bak from moving on in life? Eg my ex says still do dua for us. For me the chapter is closed.i tgink after some tym of not gettin wat u want u do wonder if its ever gna happen x

        • salaam,
          thank you for your message i think you're right and it makes sense to make dua to move on and ask for the best, but at the same time Allah knows what we want and desire...thank you for that, i've always found it really confusing, especially when you're having a bad day and all you want to do is make dua to move on instead because holding on becomes too painful sometimes.
          i agree that after constantly making dua and it not happening you do wonder what's going on, but i guess that's where faith comes in... whether it takes days or years for Allah to respond to you, you just need to keep going and get on with your life and know Allah is the best of planners and everything will work out perfectly.

  4. salamu alikum sister

    Inshallah by the will of allah you are in a good health.

    Sister i will beizenllah make dua for allah to bring you closer to your habey and he to you.

    And remember allah in good and sad times, and he will you remember you when you are in need of him.

    If you are meant to be for him he will find his way back to you, and if not than allah is all wise in his decisions.

    Note: It would better if perhaps he and you were united again, and he proposed.

    salamu alik warahamtullah

    • salaam,
      thank you so much for your message and your duas, it means the world to me. thank you for your advice.
      inshallah if he and i are united again and can resolve all our issues, a serious halal relationship is the only thing on my mind, i refuse to participate in a haram relationship ever again.
      may Allah's blessings and peace be upon you and may He answer all your prayers and duas.

  5. Greetings

    I feel for your grief. Broken heartedness is certainly a difficult feeling to endure. I am sorry that you have this.
    I'm wondering about your efforts to pray for certain outcomes though.
    Do you really think we can control God / Allah with our prayers ? You talk about this idea that if you stop praying, and Allah was just about to answer your prayer(fullfill your desire), you will somehow miss out, because he was presumably under your control, and by stopping your praying (controlling), you let him get back to what he wants to do instead. i.e. something other than your plans.

    This, frankly, is plain fantacy. The implications of this kind of belief are endlessly problematic. The bottom line is, get real. Allah is not under your control, and he will do as he pleases. Your pleading will change nothing about his intentions, plans and outcomes. In case you haven't noticed.

    Taking responsibility for our own actions is important, because this remote-controlled Allah isn't at our whims to fix the damage we do. In any case, you'll never grow up, if he was under the control of your prayers, powerless to resist your urging to come and compensate for your lack of maturity.

    I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but this pain is good for you, as it is for all of us. If it doesn't hurt, we basically don't grow. We don't learn. After all you've done, you want to have a good outcome....get real.
    Change will take time. I'm thinking, in two or four years time, you'll have grown past this non-sense, and then, perhaps you'll have the level of maturity required to make a relationship work. It takes allot. Praying will never compensate for the qualities required. Painstakenly growing up into adulthood is essential. There are no shortcuts. It is unwise to be praying for such consessions. If Allah loves you, of course he will ignore your childish pleading.
    Welcome to the real world.
    Sincerely, Lars.

    I know you have disaproved of my comments before. This seems fair enough to me. I'm curious though, do you block my comments at all times since then, or is this a selective process. I'm ok one way or another. Please, would you kindly send me an e-mail to let me know where we stand on this. I enjoy comming here regularly, and feel compelled to comment sometimes. I prefer to simply know how you feel about this.
    I ask sincerely.

    • Lars, at some point I put you on moderated status, so that your comments have to be approved before appearing. I don't remember why specifically. I'll return you to normal status for now. My general advice is to be respectful to Islamic beliefs when you comment.

      The thing is, this is not a forum for debate of religious principles. This website does not purport to be an interfaith discussion forum. It's a site where Muslims come to get advice based on Islamic principles. So when I see advice that conflicts with Islamic principles I sometimes delete it, because I don't feel it's helpful to the questioner, or in keeping with the spirit of the site.

      Wael Editor

      • Dear Wael
        Thank you for your speedy reply. I understand what you are telling me. And I respect the fact that posting my comments here is a privilage, and not some "right" that I may claim.
        Therefore I thank you, and yes, I will certainly not come with disrespect. My comments may well reflect some beliefs contrary to the mainstream Islamic mindset. I will make every effort to keep this in check, and to word myself in a way that reflects a sincere perspective.

        It is not my intention to challange anyones religious beliefs. I have close relations with a Muslim, and I do not see myself overly wayward from the basic Islamic doctrine in any case.
        This is why I like to read this site over others.
        Be well.
        Sincerely, Lars.

    • thank you for your message. i think you've misunderstood what i was trying to say, i do not in any way believe Allah is some kind of genie who will grant all my wishes and desires if i plead long and hard enough! we are taught that Allah always responds to our supplications, whether he gives us what we want, stores it for us in the hereafter, or averts an evil from us instead. so in a way you may think your dua has not actually been answered but in actual fact it may have and you don't even realise it.
      when i say that Allah might just be about to respond to your duas but instead you give up and stop asking i'm not just speaking out of my own delusions, if you are interested you should youtube "never lose hope in Allah" by bilal assad, it's a really short talk explaining what i mean. we believe to never give up on the hope that Allah will respond to you, and know that He will in one way or the other.

  6. Asalam alaykum!
    Wael, I like that and may ALLAH keep his guidance on you.
    Keep it up.

  7. assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu sister
    first of all, be proud of yourself that you ve accepted your deliberate sins. and that you sincerely wish to change yourself.especially your lying habit. insha ALLAH, you have got to be overjoyed on the fact that you are already included in the prayers of countless swaliheen and malaikas. and you re among one of othose Allah s favourite slaves who yearn for his forgiveness and pleasure.congratulations, my little sister! you re among those most innocent muslimahs who sin but do not stay long in sins.CONGRATULATIONS!!!
    IN no time you will be washed of your sins and turn into a purified refined muslimah whom people will envy of your good deeds and ilm.every developing muslims will love to imitate you in your sparkling beauty as a result of your purification from Allah subahanahawu tha ala.insha Allah, sister.
    now come to the other half of the problem...your habibi...if you are sincere and honest with Allah, please my dear sister, admit that this is haraam.its okay to love a person and long for him.but isnt it haraam to see him freely and talk and etc etc..?so why not repent for this sin too along with your many past sins? since you ve decided to be born again as Allah subahanahu tha ala s pet, you ve to repent yourself and be strong enough to sacrifice the love and obsession for him for Allah s sake.i agree that he has helped you to change yourself and be a good person, but that doesnt mean he is the chosen husband for you.he was just an instrument of Allah to bring you closer to Him and provide a temperory relief to you in your insecurities.
    now that you are Alhamdulillah out of your insecurities, you dont need anyone besides Allah and what He had destined you as halaal. since the person has started ignoring you, do not degrade yourself as you are a precious little gem in His eyes and our eyes. please stop grieving for him and just sacrifice your nafs s yearning for His sake, for your beloved is Allah and Allah alone. Have patience and control your anguish.concentrate on your career and improvement of your deen.instead of chanting for the rearrival of your ex, make unlimited isthigfaars and salaat to our beloved Prophet(S) .This will bring closer to His Daath and insha Allah, trust me, you ll gifted with lots and lots of surprise gifts from Him.those may include a very matured and caring and trustworthy pious husband and many beautiful children which would bring KHURRATHA AIYN to my dear little sister.please have trust on HIM and His happy...the true believer doesnt grieve on worldly matters.nothing wordly deserve grief only fear of Hellfire deserves grief and worry.and automatically other things will be in order and best for you.if the other person is meant for you, Allah will bring him back to you.and if he snt Allah will bring you better and more precious man to you, inshaALLAH..
    none from the forum wants to see such a darling sister to grieve so much for worldly things..cheer up...
    read a lot of Quraan Sherief..istighfaar and duaa for what is best for you..
    concentrate on your obligatory prayers and nafl prayers..
    observe nafl fastings on monday and thursdays
    concentrate on making your parents and siblings happy by being a good little girl..

    • wasalaam minna and thank you so very much for your message. it was so kind and so loving especially as i'm a stranger to you and you don't even know me, you were so nice that you brought tears to my eyes. no one has ever spoken to me with this much kindness regarding my situation or given me advice with as much care as you have and i am so grateful to you for it, may Allah reward you for helping to lighten someone's burden and heart.
      inshallah i will take all your advice on board and i pray to become the strong person that only needs Allah and yearns for Allah's love that you describe in your message. i am not there yet and i want more than anything to be that person.
      thank you once again for taking the time out to leave me such a nice message. may Allah bless you and shower His mercy and forgiveness on you. thank you for your duas, i will remember you in my prayers inshallah.

  8. dear little sister
    assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah
    congratulations !! you re finally chosen by Him, THE Hadee...
    congratulations!! you ve been included in His righteous devotees, THE RAHMAAN
    congratulations!! You might ve been instantly forgiven by Him, who turns eagerly to his humble devotees
    who repent at night after sinning in the day, THE RAHEEM..
    congratulations!!! YOU RE INCLUDED IN THE PRAYERS OF OTHER MUSLIMS,swaliheen, malaaikaas
    for all of them pray constantly for the forgiveness fo other muslims all over the world..

    Now my little one, the other that you re among the chosen one of your real Beloved, Allah(SWT),
    why do you need anyone besides Him for you to move on?
    I can understand your feelings and obsession towards this person..but isnt it haraam, dear?
    if you are sincere and honest that you want to be reborn person in His Front, you will have to make a precious sacrifice for your Lord, and that is the haraam connection you ve with the person..
    instead, THE GHAFOORURRAHEEM Will reward with many precious and beautiful surprise gifts which is halaal in this world and a great reward in the Hereafter, insha a pious and caring loving husband who will make you emotionally secure and beautiful children who d be a blessing for you in this life as well as in the Hereafter, inshaAllah
    make lots of isthighfaar prayers and salaat for Prophet(s) which will make you a stronger muslimaa and help you to overcome this grief.and nothing in this world is worth grieving. grieve for your sins and worry for your afterlife...
    let not the guilt consume you in your future development as a person.this man you are obsessed for may be a good person but he is just an instrument of Allah(SWT) to be a good person.this person may not be destined for you as a husband.there is no harm in praying what is good for you.but it s surely harmful to pray to brng ths person to you as your life partner.because ts only He who knows what s best for you.
    in case he is the one destined He will bring the person to patient and have faith in Allah s best interests in you than anyone n ths world, many many times more than your own parents too!
    all the best, little darling,everything is fine and good in His Hands...
    include me in your prayers
    your sister elderly

  9. Salaam dear sister - I appreciate that this reply is late - sorry for that I just saw your message now and had to reply. Dont forget that Allah swt is the Most Merciful- regret your mistakes but dont let them hold you back. You must try to be positive - dont be negative sister.
    I know you were commiting sins before this guy came along (and a lot of people fall into the trap.) A good guy gets you out of trouble and helps you and you 'fall' for him etc, but this is not good either as your substituting sins for other sins.You can't change the past, but you can change the future with the help of Allah (swt). You have to ask why you are going through this.

    Change your perspective
    Trials tend to be either due to a test or a punishment. Most often, and most likely in this case its a test. In our lives we forget sometimes that everything is written for us. Allah has a plan for us. So you meeting this guy was for a reason, and him leaving you was for a reason. What I am trying to say is Allah knows whats best for you. He is calling you back to Him. He is giving you another chance, an opportunity and He wants to help you change. So take the chance! SubhanAllah. Be happy and remember He still loves you. This is your fresh start.

    Focus on yourself and your relationship with Allah.

    Try to forget about this guy if you can. Dont hold on to him. If he is meant for you it will happen, but you must focus on 'passing' this test. Holding on is destructive - he has left you and im sorry if its harsh, but most likely for good. Until you let go of it (and the idea of him coming back) this is going to hinder your progress.

    Get away from the notion that you 'need him' to be good. This situation is most likely a 'hidden blessing.'
    Make Tawbah sincerely, do your salat 5x a day. Read Qur'an. If these were not habit before build up slowly starting with the obligatory deeds. Dont suddenly go from not praying to pray 5x and reading qur;an constantly etc. Read a bit a day and do more each day - be consistent. “The best actions are continuous ones even if little…” Go to halal events - meet good, nice Muslim sisters, maybe volunteer for a charity. Gain knowledge about Islam- learn Allah's names and qualities. There is so much you can do.
    Do night prayers, even if its as little as 2 rakat - very good for strengthening a believer. Allah swt descends to lowest heaven in last 3rd of the night, so pray, read quran or make dua in this time where possible. (The khushu you feel when praying in the night is beautiful - this will help your relationship with Him.)

    Always ask Allah to guide, forgive and help you. With respect to this guy. Ask Allah to give you what He knows is best for you and to make you pleased with it. You could make istakhaarah as well. Include this in every dua, but make dua for other things too. Sister Z posted a beautiful dua on this site: "Oh Allah make my love for You the most beloved thing to me, and my fear for you the most fearful thing to me, and remove from me all wordly need and wants my instilling a passion for meeting You, and when you have given the people of the world the pleasures of their world; make the coolness of my eyes (pleasure) in worshipping You." Ameen.

    To help with your issues
    Supplicate to Allah swt to help you with your lying and other issues you have. At some point, maybe study purification of the heart - I dont want to overwhelm you - like I said start small and imrpove daily. First and foremost with salat.

    In a nutshell, keep busy - make tawbah and focus on getting close to Allah swt and His deen - develop yourself as a person. Learn. If you do this, InshaAllah you will be happy, at peace and you wont 'need' this guy. If he is good for you that Allah will bring him back into your life in a halal way. If not - you have the opportunity to learn from this and improve yourself. If you slip up with 'lying' or another issue - pick yourself up and try again.

    Heartbreak is difficult, and really its just time, you will go through a 'process' of difficulty accepting, grieving etc until you move on. The sooner you let go, the sooner you can get on with life and fix up.

    I was suffering from heartbreak a few years back, after I lost my best friend. For years I thought I needed a guy to be happy etc. Its like chasing the 'american dream.' I relied on the guy for everything astaghfirullah. After all we went through, and all the promises he made to stick by me, he left. I dont ever recall hurting so much in all my life. I was a mess for some time! BUT now I can honestly tell you - the best thing he did for me was leaveme! What I realised: I realised that I never actually loved him at all! This was infactuation - I convinced myself he did.
    That this ideology I carried that I needed someone to be happy was false- I only needed Allah. That despite everything Allah still loved me and had given me the opportunity to come back (He protected me from the biggest mistakes). That people will always let you down - you cant rely 100% on anyone, only Allah is always there for you. That sometimes we want something which is bad for us, but Allah knows what is good from us. Amidst all the pain I went through, letting go of him helped me realise my faults and work on them. (You never stop workin on em but it gets easier) I suddenly didnt want 'the american dream.' It was like an epiphany really. I also did all the things he tried to stop me from doing. (I learnt martial arts did lots of interesting hobbies!

    • wasalaam sister,
      thank you for your response i really appreciate it.
      i thank Allah every day for helping me leave behind the sins that i was committing. although i'm in pain and hurting right now i realise that it's better for me to feel this pain now and deal with the punishment of my sins here and now and meet Allah sinless inshallah. i realise that the yearning i feel for things to be the way that they were is yearning of the nafs, and all i can do now is pray that Allah grants me the ability to keep my nafs in control and place the akhira above the dunya.
      sadly this is easier said than done, i am so thankful that i'm not sinning but sometimes when i'm in so much pain it clouds my understanding and i feel frustrated at how long the healing process is. i am so grateful to Allah that He saved me from myself but sometimes the pain is unbearable and the thought of enduring it for another few weeks or months is just horrible.
      but thank you for reminding me that the reason i am going through this really and truly is because Allah is giving me yet another chance and wants me to come back and stay on the right path. subhanallah it's amazing why i'm complaining when i should really just be feeling thankful and lucky. thank you for the reminder.
      i guess you're right when you say that i should let go completely, but that's where i'm struggling - i'm struggling with letting go of the hope that he may come back. and i do realise that this is preventing me from fully moving on but i just really don't know how to completely 'let go'.
      i know one day when this is all over and done with inshallah i will look back and think how silly i was, how easy i could have made it for myself, but i guess that's how it goes.
      thank you for your advice. i do pray 5 times a day as it is alhamdulillah and i'm often awake late so i also do pray at least 2 rakat during the last third of the night. i watch islamic talks often to keep my eeman strong and gain knowledge. thank you for the suggestions i am interested in learning about the purification of the heart and i will look into this as soon as i have a chance.
      right now i guess i'm feeling a little frustrated because i have been trying really hard to change myself and turn my life around, i have really honestly changed for the better since i even wrote my first message, but somedays are so hard and overall things don't seem to be improving, somedays i really feel like i can't go on anymore. i know the response to my complaints already - i just need to carry on being patient and deal with everything that comes my way patiently and just have trust and faith in Allah. but sometimes it's so hard.
      i understand i don't need anyone to make me happy; happiness comes from within, and i know we don't need anyone to make us happy, all we need is Allah. thank you for taking the time to share your story and show me that one day my situation too will come to an end leaving me better and happier than before. i pray that i see the light at the end of the tunnel soon inshallah 🙂
      thank you again, i pray you're in the best of health and eeman and that all your duas come true inshallah.

      • Salaam dear sister. I hope you are feeling better InshaAllah. Hang in this, as long as you stay away from him, it will slowly get easier InshaAllah.

        " i'm feeling a little frustrated because i have been trying really hard to change myself and turn my life around, i have really honestly changed for the better since i even wrote my first message, but somedays are so hard and overall things don't seem to be improving, somedays i really feel like i can't go on anymore.

        I just wanted to add (an i feel sooo hypocritical saying this as I do this a lot) try not to beat yourself up about changing your traits.. You sound a lot like me in the way u talk dear sis. And I admit its destructive (it messes me up). Changing our habits dont happen overnight. Yes u are aware of your lying and other faults so make an effort to change dear sis.(I have a big problem with oversensitivity and some days I get so frustrated that im not over it - iv improved somewhat alhumdulilah but stil a long way - do it for Allah swt, keep trying and itl happen.) With the heartbreak thing unfortunately dear sis its just time.

        Also, Of course developing your deen is important but also take some time out to have some fun. (I know that word probably is alien to u now) But try. As long as its halal you really should. Try a new sport if u can if theres any girls sports clubs near u? A project? (I decorated my room, learnt arabic took courses etc). Keep busy. Try to meet muslim sisters - sometimes true friendships are so refreshing. Make sure its sisters though - its haraam with brothers and always leads to confusing feelings.
        But look for a hobby as well...

        Im glad that made u feel betta alhumdulilah. Try to smile sis, remember the blessings Allah has bestowed upon u. Yes u do seem to have a pure heart MashaAllah but remember to use it in the best way dear sis. Our good qualities should be used in a way thats pleasing to Allah not displeasing. But for now I think u should focus on yourself for a while, forget marriage to anyone while u are heartbroken.

        May Allah swt give u happiness in this life n the next. Ameen
        SR Muslimah xx

  10. Btw - I am by no means saying anything against marriage, in case this is misinterpreted. Of course we need to marry, it completes us and half our deen, and InshaAllah these events will help you address these issues and improve ready for a beautiful marriage with a pious husband InshaAllah. You seem to have a pure heart thats good. In any case what Im saying is just focus on yourself and deen only for a while to help you through this.

    • SR Muslimah, I am glad you made the clarification. I am not certain if you are married...but when you say that you were under the false impression that you needed someone to be happy, all you needed was does give the wrong message. We are not meant to live our lives alone. We are meant to have companions. Allah is with us at all times, alone or while we are paired - that is a given. I agree that turning to Allah during times of crisis and working on our closeness with Him will improve ourselves and our condition. But I don't agree that it will lead us to a spouse. I think Muslim women in the west have been brainwashed into thinking that as long as we are quiet pious little things, a wonderful husband will come our way, and if he doesn't, then we should just accept things as they are. Meanwhile everyone bends over backwards to make sure that muslim boys get muslim or non-muslim women, whatever the case may be. Trust me, I've been on this road, and I"m now 40 and wonder why my parents led me to believe that a good husband would just drop down from the Canadian sky for me. Its taken me a long time to realize that their blind allegiance to prayer, and my blind obedience to my parents, may very well have been virtuous, but ultimately has led to me living a life alone.

      • assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu sister Precious Star
        i sincerely understand your pain. your case is unique. but please dont mix up your destiny with blind prayers and faith. surely your Sabr will be rewarded in both the worlds. your obedience towards your parents too will not be overlooked by Him.
        but your plight is a result of your parent s serious negligence towards their duty. prayer and faith without action is a curse to all of the muslim society. our Deenul Islam is not just based on theoretical principles of Quraan and Sunnah. We have, in front of us, the practical aspect of them in the lives of Rasool (S) and sahaabaat. some muslims due to their nature of negligence and laziness and escapism from their serious duties, resort to just read quraan and make unlimited number of dhikrs with no actions practically. this is a very tragical part of some people s lives.
        This is very unfortunate. This is not at all our Deen. These people make our Deen sarcastic and impractical. Allah had warned strictly warned against such people who make the Path narrow and crooked.
        may Allah forgive your parents. you can politely guide them to what are they upto and insist on getting you married to a righteous person.its better late than never. may Allah enlighten them to the practical side of Islam.
        please have patience, sister.and im sure Allah will help you since you are such a great daughter and have observed His rules and regulations sincerely. we all pray for you sincerely.
        your sister in deen

      • Assalaamu alaikum sister precious star. Im sorry to hear about your situation - May Allah swt make it easy for you and help you find the best spouse for you. Lol - my clarification attempt led to more misinterpretation. Sorry I had to say that - in any case I can understand what you are saying - but I agree with what minnah has said on this, that from what you said this may have been negligence on your parents part - I dont know if there are any circumstances or good reasons why your parents did this - I dont in any way mean to be disrespectful - so please forgive me if I am wrong/ if i offended you. Did your parents look? Im not sure I can belive they did nothing.

        The prophet SAW said 'tie your camel' and then put your trust in Allah swt. Dont just only put your trust in Allah swt without taking measures in other words.

        Trusting in Allah swt is very important - dont get me wrong, its important to know He has a plan for you, and everything is written. But we must also take measures for it to happen. So sitting back for years expecting a guy to fall out of the sky is not good. But trusting in Allah, having a positive attitude, and taking some steps toward marriage (asking around, gaining knowledge on it, etc) is important. Especially as time passes, you have to take more steps to marry.

        Im single btw. I posted this soley to explain what I learnt from it.
        "For years I thought I needed a guy to be happy etc. Its like chasing the 'american dream.'"
        I was not referring to marriage here, as when I was young I just wanted a 'special relationship' astaghfirullah. This was something I always used to dream about, and all I was trying to say by this comment was that I realised how stupid I was to be lusting after wordly things."

        And despite b

        • sorry i accidently pressed submit too early. Anyway I hope I cleared up what I meant - the basic moral that sometimes a test/hardship even when brought on by your own disobedience is secretly a blessing. I think we should make the best out every situation, no matter how hard it is.

          My dear sister, let me be honest with you.. I know quite a few sisters who married over the age of 40. You should not give up hope. Speak to your parents about it, start looking and make dua and supplicate. Be positive - there must be a good reason why Allah swt has held off you finding a spouse - i agree with everything 'unhappy' said about the steps to take.

          Also sister I fear that I accused your parents. Please forgive me for this, if this is the case as I assumed. I pray Allah also forgives me. I am sorry for the confusing posts - I actually had an accident today (fell) and bruised my face and head - so it might be one reason I am writing like this. I will probably refrain from writing on here for a few days InshaAllah until its healed a bit.

          May Allah help you and all the other single muslims find the best of spouses

          • Dear SR Muslimah
            Don't worry - I sometimes blame my parents too. The reality is, in the last few years I have been proactive, and I pray a lot. You may see from my other posts that I was recenlty heartbroken. Anyway, i can tell you this: in my geographical location, no muslim girl has gotten married after age 35. Not one. So, I am not optimistic.
            My fear is that I am predestined to remain single, childless, and alone. That seems to be the way my life is going.

          • Im really sorry to hear the difficulties you are going through sister. I pray that Allah swt makes it easy for you and that you will be the first one to break this trend in your location and find the best spouse for you.
            I think you should continue to try - you havent been lazing around for years you've made attempts so you are not accountable. It is likely this is your test and if you hold firmly to the rope of Allah swt, you will receive these blessings in Jannat InshaAllah. Im sure that Allah has witheld this for a reason - I hope you heart finds some ease in remembering this - that this life is short. Writing this also helps me as its a reminder for me. We all have our individual tests - this is yours.

            I pray that you pass it, that Allah swt gives you the best spouse and the best thing of all - Jannatul Firdaws. Ameen
            You will be in my duas dear sister.

    • @srmuslimah - thank you, you really don't know how much that means to me... .. after laying out all my faults and flaws and issues and still have someone see past everything and be able to say i seem to have a pure heart makes me feel so thankful and happy. thank you

  11. Salaams Sister hkh24 - about your confusion about giving up on your dua. Why don't you make dua that Allah brings about what is good for you - if that is a future with your ex, alhumdulillah, if your destiny is somewhere else alhumdulillah. You are not giving up on your initial dua by asking for this, you are putting your trust in Allah, that whatever He brings about, whether it is a reconciliation, or moving on, that it is something better for you.

    You need to put your faith and trust in Allah in your duas. This is what the istikhara dua is - if something is good for my deen dunya and akhirah, bring it closer to me and facilitate it for me, if it is bad for my deen dunya and akhirah, distance it from me.

    I was in a similar situation, and these days I continue to make the dua, for Allah to bring about what is good for me.

    I pray insha'Allah that your iman and sabr stay strong through the most difficult trials.

    • wasalaam,
      thank you for your response and your suggestion. i completely agree it makes most sense to make dua as you have said - it's like the dua of istikhara in a way as you mentioned. i am ashamed to admit but i think the reason i am fearful and have thus far not really made dua in this way (instead making dua asking for him to come back to me as my husband) is because i am afraid of what the future holds for me, i'm afraid that what if he isn't my destiny. and i understand and realise how silly this sounds and i really do need to grow up a little i think. it also goes to show that my eeman must be weak in this situation because i'm obviously not putting all my trust in Allah and allowing Him to bring me the best, whether or not it's him, rather i'm just insisting upon him even if he is bad for me (but i'm obviously not acknowledging the fact he could be bad for me).
      i'm still in my situation and each day is as confusing and difficult but inshallah things will sort out soon. i make dua that your situation gets better for you soon too.

  12. minna - your message to sister hkh24 brought tears to my eyes too - I pray insha'Allah that I can be one of Allah's beloved slaves too, who yearns always for His forgiveness and His mercy. You are right - worldy things are not worth grieving over like this..

    • assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
      dear sister unhappy
      alhamdulillah ...for your response. for Allah s sake it d be appreciated if sister unhappy changes the negative name to something positive..
      everyone has problems and sorrows. think positive. act positive.present yourself positive.that s what
      our Deen demands from us.
      your sister in deen

  13. Just read minnahs last post - Precious Star - because you are 40, does not mean that you are destined for a life alone. You can look for a partner yourself without your parents being involved, as long as your parents are ok with it. I don't know what you are doing about your situation, so apologies if you have done all this already, but a few suggestions:

    1. Islamic marriage sites online
    2. Get involved in islamic activities in your locality or further - you will meet lots of people and iA someone may know of a brother who might be right for you
    3. Islamic marriage events, there are often over 40s, divorcee, with children etc events (in the UK anyway, there might be something similar in canada)
    4. If not try organising events like these yourself through family contacts, friend etc - you may meet people there and at the very least will get reward for helping others in your plight.
    5. Let fellow muslims, neighbours etc know that you are looking - you never know someone may think of you when they meet a suitable brother

    If you are meeting brothers but don't feel that they are right for various reasons, try to ignore any misgivings you may have about things that don't matter as much, like where they live, their living arrangements, whether they have kids from a previous marriage etc and focus on the important stuff. Easier said than done I know!

    I pray insha'Allah that Allah rewards you with a loving, kind and pious husband.

  14. assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
    sister Precious Star
    i am afraid, did i mislead you by blaming your parents...i did not mean to encourage a major sin like blaming ones parents..asthaghfirullahil azeem....
    first of all, dear are one of those most blessed ones who guarded her chastity inspite of being in a permissible country. you d be many many times rewarded insha Allah in both the worlds than other sisters in a closed islamic country like ours. MashaAllah Thabaarakallah...Allah subhanahu thaala has helped you a lot in remaining chaste..
    see, here s one point to ponder upon...this is all because of the duaa of your parents and their expectations, which may sound impractical...okay ..there may be faults on them..,
    or may be there might be other reasons which we cannot locate...Allahu aghlam...but please sister, never blame them.. even if they are so sorry if ive mislead you with my hasty reply.
    have patience and never lose your faith in Him and His reward for patience.He rewards unlimitedly for those who have patience...
    at one or other point, we all go through a point at which we blame our parents and very very lately we realize that everything was for our good, though we have suffered a lot in those specific time period...
    inshaAllah thaala, there will be also a point at which we realise our mistake of blaming our parents for some of our fate.
    see sister, your plight of not being married till this age was purely predestined. none has to be blamed upon.
    first calm yourself on Allah subhanahuthaala s Promises...He is the One and Only Truth...and He s the one Who loves us and take care of us than anyone else in this world...the media projects a lot about other loves such as a mother s, lovers, etc etc..but at some point we all realise there is none except HIM...yeah..we all realise the real meaning and principle behind our base...LA ILAAHA ILLALLAH..
    even if we are sorrounded by a caring and sacrificing mother, loving father, many siblings, or a really adorable husband, darling children...we all face certain situation in which we recognise the True and Ultimate Love...and that all the other loves are just instruments for the Final Recognition of the Truest..
    this is not fantasy, dear...this is the Truth...
    and the power of Duaa is also not a fantasy...
    love yourself...respect yourself...because you are a true muslim..most of us are blessed to be born in a muslim family and hence happened to be a muslim...we are so easily put into the right path just because of His Grace and because of the prayers of our parents and ancestors, who cried to Allah for making their generations to generations to be muslims...
    so we do not realise our blessing of becoming a muslim.
    others who are not born muslims have to strive hard and stray a lot to make them reach this Ultimate Path.
    so learn your deen and be not ever ever lose faith ...continue to pray...
    make lots of isthighfaar...
    be the best to your parents...continue to be a good obedient daughter gracious and grateful to them as rasool (s) taught us...
    im sure everything will turn out to be beautiful and best for you...
    you are after all a very positive woman, as i see, y ou yourself named you, PRECIOUS STAR...
    there s no harm which strike anything in the sky or earth without His knowledge, as He is the one who is All Hearing and All Knowing...
    I m no scholar or learnt to give you advices but just consider me as your sister in deen who s just trying to be a muslim...
    include me in your prayers...
    May He forgive our sins and guide us to Him in the Right Path.
    subhanallah wa bihamdihi wa la ilaaha illallaah
    Allahuma swalli alaa sayyidinaa muhammadin sallallahu alaihiwa sallam wa sahbihi..
    may Allah reward all those in the forum for bringing comfort and peace each other. Ameen.

  15. Regarding efforts to get married,
    1. online - tried that for years.
    2.islamic activities in my locality -- there are none. any such activities are social events involving people of my parents' generation. There are some culturally-based organizations, such as for new Somali immigrants etc.
    3. I'm not really an "events organizer" - I am shy - and in any event I do not live in a geographical area where there are a great deal of muslims.
    4. Everyone knows I am looking.
    5. the matrimonial events that are within a 5-10 hour drive from where I live are all for the 25-35 year old age group. Trust me i've looked into it.

    I too blame my parents. I know I shouldn't. Its not like they didn't "look" -- they did ask around. But I was never introduced to anyone. In other words, after a while, they should have realized that they had to do more than just ask around because their method was not bearing fruit. Its like looking in the newspaper for a job ad, but never applying and never getting an interview. If you keep getting interviews, then it is likely that you will get a job at some point. If you never get interviews and years go by, then the writing is on the wall!

    At some point I decided to open myself up to meeting non-muslim men because you never know peoople are known to convert. My brother married a girl who converted. So I tried that, and did meet someone wonderful, kind and gentle, but he couldn't convert. So I'm dealing with A LOT of heartbreak, as you may know from other comments I've posted on this website.

    Yup, it feels like the end of the road for me! i always felt like my true calling was not to be a busy career professional woman (which I am), but to be a loving wife and mother. I YEARNED for love and babies, my entire adult life! Isn't that crazy? I always wanted that so badly, and I never had any doubt that somewhere along the way I would get it. Well, for a short time I got 50% of it (love), but it wasn't meant to last. Its a sad, pitiful story all the way around.

  16. Assalamu Alaikum Sister

    My parents are not helping me either. Khair insh'Allah. They told me to find someone on my own and do all the research on my own. Its not very easy to do and the brother does not trust me if he is maash'Allah good and practicing and alhamdulilah so am I, he wonders why I don't consult my parents and why I keep him away from my parents. Its because subhan'Allah, they don't want to help me but they want to control everything. So far, they have chased away 2 very wonderful brothers that I found myself and investigated and approached in a halaal manner. Not very easy to do at all. Worst of all, the brothers now think that I should definitely be just like my parents. They have unreasonable demands and always disrespects the brother and he runs like the wind. They can't see how much all of this is damaging me and hurting me because all I want dear sister is to be married, a loving wife and mother. No one is helping me sister except Allah subhana wa ta'ala. I have no one and my heart keeps getting torn apart and I don't know if I can go through that again. Mistreated by my own family and then hated by the brother because he eventually thinks that since my family is a certain way, I must be like them too. Subhan'Allah I just want to die and go to Allah and cry my heart out and feel protected in His mercy and love.

    Some things for you:

    I love you for the sake of Allah. Please remember me and all the Muslims out there who are trying so hard to fulfill their deen. Please remember us in your dua.

    May Allah forgive me. Ameen.

    • Sister, you don't have to die in order to go to Allah and cry your heart out and feel protected in His mercy and love. You can do that right now, while you are living, with salat, fasting, dhikr, reciting Quran, and Hajj/Umrah.

      If you would like to receive some advice on your particular situation, you can log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll try to advise you Insha'Allah. Thanks for the links.

      Wael Editor

    • Dear YourSister:

      Have you tried asking Allah SWT for patience to accept whatever He has written for you?

      At the end of the day, it was God's will that you were born to parents who do not wish to assist you in getting married. A muslim woman trying to find a spouse by herself is difficult and near impossible, particularly in a non-muslim country. There is a reason why we are in this situation, and it MAY be that God has not destined for us to be married and have children. My grandmother said this to me the other day; she said as long as you keep thinking about what you have lost, and what you don't have, you will keep hurting yourself. Tough words to hear, but they may be true.

      So ask Allah for patience, healing and peace in your heart. Also, every night as I fall asleep, I thank Allah for everything good in my life, from big things like financial security, to minutae and superficial things like "thank you for the pretty nail polish on my fingernails" because at the end of the day everything is from Allah, including beauty and attractiveness and even the luxury to go out and get a manicure! Try volunteering, working on your career, trying new sports and hobbies, and otherwise staying active and healthy. You may find someone in the process (I didn't), but also time will fly by, which is a mercy on its own.

      I really like this quote from Rumi: "Don't grieve. Whatever you lose will come around in another form."

  17. Assalamualaikum sister

    I used to be in a good long distance relation. I started going clubbing everywhere in london and subhanallah it influenced how i behaved with her. Now I lost here nearly and realised that after all I had seen in clubs was causing me to think badly of this muslimah. I have been through hardships trying to change but alhamdulilah I feel good that I changed and inshallah I hope we can both become the best muslims
    Look after urself inshallah sister


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