Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m married and my lover is pregnant – please help!


Now what...?

I am married and have two kids. When me and my wife had marrige problems I was seeing other women and fall in love in her and got her pregnant. Now she wants to have this child but she doesn't want to have relationship with me. I don't know what to do. I am against having a child without me. What should I do if and when she give birth to this child? Please help. Thank you...


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22 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    Brother, what you've done here is wrong. Cheating on your wife, committing zina... these are very serious matters and it's really important that you recognise this so that you can repent and change how you approach life.

    You say that you're against this other woman having the child without you - sorry, but you don't really get a say at this point. You're going to have to respect this woman's decision to have this baby and live with the consequences.

    The child and his/her mother will have certain legal and Islamic rights which you will need to be aware of and fulfil - it may help to speak with a lawyer in your country, to confirm what your legal position is (as laws can vary between countries). If you want to be part of your child's life, you can request access rights through legal channels, and/or discuss this with the child's mother (in an Islamically appropriate way, of course).

    It's likely that you'll also end up having to tell your wife - you have a duty to be acknowledged as this child's father, and in a lot of countries you will need to contribute financially to the child's upbringing, so it's very unlikely that you could keep this secret for long. She's likely to be devastated by this news, but it may be possible to salvage your relationship if you put a lot of time and effort into rebuilding the connection and trust between you and your wife, inshaAllah.

    Midnightmoon editor

  2. OP: When me and my wife had marrige problems I was seeing other women and fall in love in her and got her pregnant. Now she wants to have this child but she doesn't want to have relationship with me.

    Is cheating one of your marriage problems? Did you tell other "women you were seeing" that you were married?

    What kind of relationship you want with the other women? Is polygamy legal in country where you live?

    How many women were you "seeing"?

  3. I agree with midnight moon. Seeing other women and committing Zina is not a solution to marriage problems, all you've really done is added to the problems - so now in addition to the problems you were having in your marriage, your also now guilty of cheating, commuting adultery and impregnating a woman who now wants nothing to do with you - I'm guessing this woman isn't Muslim ? So, if you are not involved in the upbringing of the child then you have probably brought a child into this world is going to grow up as a non Muslim.

    I don't mean to highlight your mistakes but I'm trying to show you that had you followed the correct steps, the Islamic and moral way to resolve your issues you would not be in this mess today. I hope for the future you will do things the correct way.

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    What's done is done.

    Do not stop the birth of your child and make every effort to be a father to that child. Get as much custody as you can for that child and do not abandon that child. Tell your wife what happened and let the storm come. You ran right into the eye of that storm and now you are surrounded. Be a real man from this moment forward.

    Accept the mistakes you have made, help raise that child every moment you get, apologize to your wife and family, ask Allah swt to forgive you in words and in actions--from this moment forward, be that man that you fear being, that you fear being exposed that you fear being abandoned by friends/family--that is how you fix all of this.

    May Allah swt help you to rectify the grave mistakes that you have made. May Allah swt have Mercy on you, your wife and your children, your child-to-be and the woman you are having the child with, Ameen.

  5. Brother everything is said already, pleas follow what is said above, keep nothing secret and don't run from your responsibilities do the needful arrangements for coming child and for his future,

  6. You have done terrible sins and now face the music .I don't see any remorse from your side which describes the condition of your heart ..You will be the worst person if you die like this without repentance .

  7. Control your urges man. Just because you have an argument doesn't mean you cheat on your wife. Look if you cant keep it in your pants then don't get married and ruin your wife's life. Zina is very serious. You need to repent to Allah and beg your wife's forgiveness too. As for this other pregnant women, you don't have a say in the matter. She has authority over the child more than you. The truth will be out one day and I hope you have something set up for the damage to not be that extreme.

  8. Salam brother,

    This is the problem with fitna.. Only more fitna can occur from it! I have to say, I am married and I have been having some issues with my husband but I fear Allah to not commit such a sin. I understand you though! I think you should come clean and tell your wife. It will be hard but worth it in the end. Perhaps, speak to your mistress and see if she would be happy to marry you and take her as a second wife as allowed in Islam. You made a mistake but Allah is merciful as long as you repent.
    Best wishes

  9. You are the worst of sinners, a really horrible person. And the only thing you want help with is what to do if your lover gives birth to your child? Seriously, that is the only reason you have sought Islamic advice???

    You need help on so many different levels.

    • Then help him, instead of only criticizing him.

      Wael Editor

    • But i agree with Precious Star ..I think only suggestion some body can give is repent and try to become good muslim .He has done the damage and spoiled lives .

  10. As Salaam Alaikum,

    I do agree with midnightmoon but disagree with what I understand of the statement from precious star. All said, you did a sin, you are here to seek advice, that is a good thing that you have something in your heart.

    Firstly, abortion is not right as per my limited knowledge, you and that lady committed a sin, the child was not responsible for anything, you cannot kill and soul that Allah has willed in the womb, that would be a greater sin than Zina, so avoid it. As per Islam, the child cannot be attributed to you, and also islamically you will not have responsibilities to that child i.e. he cannot inherit from you. However, remember that Allah loves muhsineen, those who excel when it comes to do good, Allah does not stop you from financially providing to this child out of goodness, maybe this will be one of your means of forgiveness from Allah. Also, if Allah conceals your sin then do not reveal it to anyone, neither your wife nor anyone else. Yes, what you did is wrong, you cheated on your wife, but a bigger sin was that you cheated on Allah swt and broke his commandment of "La Taqrabus zina", do not even go near zina. Now, if you reveal it to others you will break another commandment of Allah, you will have revealed what Allah has concealed.

    Now, along with all this you need to do a lot of soul searching/Tadabbur, ask yourself what caused that moment of weakness, are you ready to let that mistake lead you further astray or if you are willing to come back to Allah. In order to come back to Allah, the path is very simple, it might be painful and tough but isnt complicated a single bit. Allah states in surah Furqan that "Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.". So repent by doing good deeds, provide to child out of goodness, help those in need, pray in the night when no one but Allah is watching you, give charity so that your left hand doesn't know what your right hand gave, serve your parents if they are alive, love your wife as she should be loved, going forward forgive all her mistakes knowing that you want Allah to forgive your mistake.

    The words in Surah Furqan are very strong and profound, coz Allah also mentions later in the surah "And those who, when reminded of the verses of their Lord, do not fall upon them deaf and blind.". So, I sincerely hope this isn't falling on deaf ears, and instead you cry remembering Allah, cry your heart out for the grave mistake but hold the hope in Allah. Who knows, this act of Zina might become the impetus/reason for you to attain the highest level of jannah.

    May Allah forgive you, conceal your sins, forgive the lady who committed zina with you, provide ease to the unborn child and raise you all as the people of Jannah.

    Wa As Salaam Alaikum,

    • Assalam alaikum,

      I have read that a man who has a child out of wedlock has no responsibility with that child and will not share his wealth with that child in Islam, but isn't that because, a married man, under strict Islamic rules would be stoned to death--so how could be take on the responsibility then? And, then of course, why should his family have to share their wealth with the child that isn't their doing...I wonder. It just seems that there is something missing in that statement and we have are going to go talk strictly here, we also know, that in this day and age, the practice of stoning to death for adultery isn't even practiced--so why such a strict rule regarding the responsibility of the child?

      Some of the rulings that you are speaking of have to do with the time of Jahiliyah. It really doesn't make any sense to me that in a time when paternity can be determined that a Muslim man who must be held to a higher level of moral ground than a non-Muslim woman that he chose to do zina with, would be free to not take any responsibility for that child as per Islam. It is one thing to say that it would be good of him, but to say that he has no responsibility and that it falls squarely on the shoulders of the woman only, baffles me, it really does.

      And, it isn't like after the Prophet Muhammad's, peace be upon him, death happened that no change came in how we practice certain things. Even how taraweeh prayer is practiced as per the time of Umar bin Khattab, to me, indicates, that where our common sense prevails, we should act accordingly. As we know, the Prophet, peace be upon him, would miss taraweeh prayer intentionally, yet in today's time, we have people who pray it every single day in either 8 rakats or 20 rakats as though it would b fardh---so, in a matter of practicality, why do we say that this man has no responsibility to this child and that is that?

      Also, I am unsure who this brother would conceal his sin when a child will be the result of it--it seems that it would not be so easy.

      If you could shed some more light on this with more background, I would appreciate it, because from what I have read, these rules had much to do with a time when it could not be determined who the father is--but today, with DNA testing, that is not difficult.

      I will end with:

      There is also a hadith found in a hasan version in Ahmad ibn Hanbal’s Musnad in which the Prophet (SAAS) states, “Whoever denies being the father of a child in this life, thereby putting the child to shame (or: in order to put the child to shame), Allâh will put that father to shame on the Day of Resurrection before all the witnesses, as a just punishment for each offense.”

      Ahmad ibn Hanbal, al-Musnad, edited by Sidqî Muhammad Jamîl al-‘Attâr, Beirut: Dâr al-Fikr, 1414/1994, Vol. 2, p. 255, hadith 4795=CD ROM Jâmi‘ al-fiqh al-islâmî, Harf Co., Musnad Ibn Hanbal, hadith 4564.

      Which can be found:

      Jazak Allah for your time.

      • The rule about the out-of-wedlock child not inheriting from the father, not taking the father's name, etc, only applies if the father denies paternity; and to deny paternity when one knows he is the father is haram.

        Also, I agree with you that if a paternity test is available and is performed, then this should override any denials. I do not know if there are any fatwas on this matter. There should be.

        Wael Editor

        • Update: it seems that many modern scholars have ruled that DNA testing is Islamically valid for determining paternity and thus would supersede any denials made by the father:

          Ruling on Proving Paternity through DNA Testing

          Of course such testing is not universally available, especially in poor countries.


          • DNA paternity tests are not currently 100% accurate. Specific sequences are usually looked at to see whether they were copied verbatim from one of the individual's genome to the other. If that was the case, then the genetic material of one individual could have been derived from that of the other (i.e., one is the parent of the other). Besides the nuclear DNA in the nucleus, the mitochondria in the cells also have their own genetic material termed the mitochondrial DNA. Mitochondrial DNA comes only from the mother, without any shuffling.

            As per some DNA paternity test is 99 % accuracy .If millions are tested then remaining percent is still big number to falsely attribute father hood to the kid ...


          • They don't have to be 100% accurate to be Islamically admissible as evidence. In the past, Qadis sometimes made decisions based on whether the child looked like the father. A DNA test is certainly more accurate than that. If you have a mother claiming that a particular man is the father, and if it's clear that they do in fact know each other, and the DNA test says he is the father, that seems incontrovertible to me.

            Is there any particular reason why you wish to argue that fathers should not be responsible for their out-of-wedlock children?


          • Brother Wael ,

            Just got this in my mind as i have read in islamqa that child will not be attributed to Zani as he is supposed to be stoned .

            But over all here it seems its better if Zaani took care of kid and help the kid financially and islamically ..


            And one more answer from them is below


          • Stoning is only for the married adulterer, and only if he confesses to the sin, or if there are four witnesses to the act of zinaa. Having a child is not evidence enough, as it is not the business of the state to investigate births and parentage, and find out who is having babies out of wedlock and who is not.

            Evidence of this is the well known incident of the pregnant Ghaamidi woman who came to the Messenger of Allah (sws) and confessed to committing zinaa. He (the Prophet) tried to avoid punishing her and in fact he turned her away. She came back the next day and said, "Why do you turn me away?" and insisted that she wanted to be punished. He told her to go away until the baby was born. She returned after the child was born and he sent her away again until the child was weaned. She returned again when the child was eating solid food, and in the end she was stoned. Then the Prophet buried her and prayed over her.

            Take also the case of Ma'iz b Malik, who came to the Prophet (sws) and said, "Messenger of Allah, purify me", whereupon the Prophet (S) said: Woe be upon you, go back, ask forgiveness of Allah and turn to Him in repentance."

            Again, Ma'iz insisted. The Prophet asked if he was mad, then asked if he had been drinking. When the answer to these was no, and Ma'iz insisted on being purified, he was stoned.

            So you see, this was commonly the case of the Prophet (sws), that whenever someone came to him trying to confess zinaa, he always tried to turn them away. Nowadays it seems people would seize a woman and take her pregnancy as evidence of zinaa. This is so contrary to the Prophetic method.

            My point is that from an Islamic perspective, fear of hudood should never stop someone from claiming a child as his, because the state has no business implementing hudood unless someone confesses, or there are four witnesses.

            As for the link you posted to IslamQA, I reject this fatwa, as they completely ignored the DNA test and did not address it at all. This is one of the problems we have in the Ummah, that many scholars have no understanding of science and generally no education in modern matters, so they make fatwas based only on the rulings of hundreds of years ago, without understanding the world today. See instead the link that I posted by scholars who have agreed that DNA testing can be used to determine parentage.


        • Jazak Allah Br. Wael.

          Br. Logical

          I don't why you are going on about the inaccuracy of DNA testing but 99% is pretty good. Besides, in this case the OP is admitting that he fathered the child. The point is that if a man fathers a child he should take responsibility for him or her and surely he should know who he was intimate with--that would surely not require the entire population for the DNA test.

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