Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m not Muslim, but I met a very special Muslim girl

Question:

I'm not Muslim, but I met a very special Muslim girl. I want to be a part of her life but I want to respect Islam and court her in the Islamic way. I don't know where to start.

I have had bad experiences with people in many religions so tend to judge people by their individual hearts.  I would be willing to learn about Islam and convert for her.  We have not had a date yet because she is lesbian (I already checked and it seems Islam frowns on this?)  However, she has agreed to see me for a date.

I have already researched proper restaurants to take her to. Do I need to see an Iman or leader of a Mosque to get blessed or cleansed before I see her? Please help guide me in the right direction. I don't want to embarrass her or her family or lose a chance at demonstrating how much I care to be with her.

I would appreciate any advice or direction you can share with me. Thank you!

- William

Wael's Answer:

Dear William,

William, I'm really impressed with your character. You seem like a thoughtful, open-minded, and very sincere man. The fact that you have taken the time to write to this website for advice proves it. Every woman should be lucky enough to meet a guy like you. And I believe your feelings for this woman are heartfelt.

However, I think you may have bitten off more than you can chew with this one.

Before I get into the reasons for that, I want to say that you expressed a willingness to learn about Islam and convert, and I would encourage you to do that, not for the sake of a woman, but for yourself. Islam is a beautiful religion and has tremendous depth. There's no other avenue like it for growing closer to God.

But as far as this particular woman that you are interested in, I see many obstacles:

1. Islam encourages marriage. Fornication (pre-marital sex and adultery) is totally forbidden, as is any sort of physical intimacy between an unmarried man and woman. Therefore "dating" does not exist in Islam. If you want a genuine relationship with a Muslim woman, you must marry her.

2. A Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man. You would have to convert to Islam in order to marry a Muslim woman.

3. If you are interested in converting to Islam, then yes, you would go see the local Imam at the mosque (the term is "Imam" by the way - "Iman" is a different word that means "faith". Non-Muslims often confuse the two). The Imam will guide you through the process of becoming Muslim, which is really quite simple and consists of verbally stating the Shahadah or testimony of faith, which is, "There is none worthy of worship except Allah (God), and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah." The Imam will probably ask you if you understand the basic ideas of Islam and accept them, then will help you say the Shahadah.

4. You asked if you should see an Imam to be blessed . If you mean to convert to Islam, then yes, you should visit your local Imam, as I said. But if you mean to get permission to court this young lady, it doesn't work that way. If you are interested in courting a Muslim woman, you must first be Muslim, then you would go and see her parents and express your interest in getting to know their daughter for the purpose of marriage.

I just want to point out again that accepting Islam should be something you do from your heart, out of understanding and faith. What if you become Muslim just for a woman, then it doesn't work out with her? The journey to Islam must be sincere and based on your relationship with God, not with anyone else.

5. I've saved the most glaring problem for last. All the previous problems are solvable. You could convert to Islam, you could approach the girl's family, etc. But William - the girl is lesbian! What do you think can happen between the two of you?

Actually, homosexual relationships are forbidden in Islam. I won't get into the whole nature versus nurture debate, or what a person with homosexual tendencies should do to live an Islamic lifestyle, as that is another issue. But clearly this girl is a little confused herself, and has strayed from the Islamic path. She may not understand the principles of her religion, or she may be experiencing some internal conflict between her sexual orientation and her religion, or she may have abandoned her religion entirely. I have no idea.

By the way, are you sure the girl is lesbian? Is there any chance that she said that just to put you off, knowing that since you are not a Muslim, a relationship with you would not work? Or maybe she is not interested in you and she said it just to steer you away?

If she is really lesbian, then why would she agree to date you?

So there are a lot of unanswered questions here.

Conclusions:

1. I encourage you to learn more about Islam and see if it's a faith you would be interested in accepting. Make that a separate issue from your interest in this young lady.

2. If you are really determined to pursue her, then you need honest answers to many of these questions. Is she truly lesbian? Does that mean that she has no interest in men? In that case, why would she agree to date you? If she has some interest in men, what is her attitude toward Islam? Does she consider herself to be Muslim? If you were Muslim too, would she be open to discussing marriage with you? Could she live a happy life married to a man?

3. Ultimately, however, I don't think this is the right woman for you, for all the reasons stated above. The situation is too complicated and there are too many obstacles.

I wish you the best and may Allah guide you.

Wael Abdelgawad
IslamicAnswers.com Editor

If any one has advice for William, please comment below. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , ,

5 Responses »

  1. William, I'm really impressed with your character. You seem like a thoughtful, open-minded, and very sincere man. The fact that you have taken the time to write to this website for advice proves it. Every woman should be lucky enough to meet a guy like you. And I believe your feelings for this woman are heartfelt.

    However, I think you may have bitten off more than you can chew with this one.

    Before I get into the reasons for that, I want to say that you expressed a willingness to learn about Islam and convert, and I would encourage you to do that, not for the sake of a woman, but for yourself. Islam is a beautiful religion and has tremendous depth. There's no other avenue like it for growing closer to God.

    But as far as this particular woman that you are interested in, I see many obstacles:

    1. Islam encourages marriage. Fornication (pre-marital sex and adultery) is totally forbidden, as is any sort of physical intimacy between an unmarried man and woman. Therefore "dating" does not exist in Islam. If you want a genuine relationship with a Muslim woman, you must marry her.

    2. A Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man. You would have to convert to Islam in order to marry a Muslim woman.

    3. If you are interested in converting to Islam, then yes, you would go see the local Imam at the mosque (the term is "Imam" by the way - "Iman" is a different word that means "faith". Non-Muslims often confuse the two). The Imam will guide you through the process of becoming Muslim, which is really quite simple and consists of verbally stating the Shahadah or testimony of faith, which is, "There is none worthy of worship except Allah (God), and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah." The Imam will probably ask you if you understand the basic ideas of Islam and accept them, then will help you say the Shahadah.

    4. You asked if you should see an Imam to be blessed . If you mean to convert to Islam, then yes, you should visit your local Imam, as I said. But if you mean to get permission to court this young lady, it doesn't work that way. If you are interested in courting a Muslim woman, you must first be Muslim, then you would go and see her parents and express your interest in getting to know their daughter for the purpose of marriage.

    I just want to point out again that accepting Islam should be something you do from your heart, out of understanding and faith. What if you become Muslim just for a woman, then it doesn't work out with her? The journey to Islam must be sincere and based on your relationship with God, not with anyone else.

    5. I've saved the most glaring problem for last. All the previous problems are solvable. You could convert to Islam, you could approach the girl's family, etc. But William - the girl is lesbian! What do you think can happen between the two of you?

    Actually, homosexual relationships are forbidden in Islam. I won't get into the whole nature versus nurture debate, or what a person with homosexual tendencies should do to live an Islamic lifestyle, as that is another issue. But clearly this girl is a little confused herself, and has strayed from the Islamic path. She may not understand the principles of her religion, or she may be experiencing some internal conflict between her sexual orientation and her religion, or she may have abandoned her religion entirely. I have no idea.

    By the way, are you sure the girl is lesbian? Is there any chance that she said that just to put you off, knowing that since you are not a Muslim, a relationship with you would not work? Or maybe she is not interested in you and she said it just to steer you away?

    If she is really lesbian, then why would she agree to date you?

    So there are a lot of unanswered questions here.

    Conclusions:

    1. I encourage you to learn more about Islam and see if it's a faith you would be interested in accepting. Make that a separate issue from your interest in this young lady.

    2. If you are really determined to pursue her, then you need honest answers to many of these questions. Is she truly lesbian? Does that mean that she has no interest in men? In that case, why would she agree to date you? If she has some interest in men, what is her attitude toward Islam? Does she consider herself to be Muslim? If you were Muslim too, would she be open to discussing marriage with you? Could she live a happy life married to a man?

    3. Ultimately, however, I don't think this is the right woman for you, for all the reasons stated above. The situation is too complicated and there are too many obstacles.

    I wish you the best and may Allah guide you.

  2. if you want to be muxlim so let it be for yr self , not for anybody , it's yr end day ,
    more over what if she died , will u return back , what if she coverted , will you follow her also,
    let yr relegion be for yr lord nor for human being , may htos hep you but correct yr intention to be truth faith not for body love r even spirtual love.

    this my advise to you

  3. It's not normal relation with such girls, between man and woman it's only the correct relation, other relations are prohibited in islam , not only frownd .

  4. Salaam brother,

    You have thrown up a few issues there.

    Women tell men they are lesbian either because 1.) they want the man to stop pursuing them and leave them alone or 2.) because they are a lesbian.

    If she has told you this to make you go away, I would advise that you take the hint and leave her alone.
    If she has told you this because she is a lesbian, I would advice that you cease pursuing this woman and find a woman who can one day be your wife.

    I dont know the conditions surrounding your interactions with this woman, or how it is that you have come to know eachother so I cannot really comment with any accuracy - although it does sound like you are chasing very difficult targets in your pursuit for a relationship and perhaps you should spend all of the time and energy on a female who is available, heterosexual, interested in you and able to pursue marriage.

    Peace,
    L

  5. If she is a lesbian, how are you still attracted to her?

    you dont need to go through any religious approval to meet her as long as she is okay with it. just make sure there is no physical relationship and wine 🙂

    it is good ot hear that you are willing to learn about islam.. it is a wonderful religion and can make your life much better in the true sense.

Leave a Response