Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m not physically attracted to my wife

wife unhappy husband

I'm just not physically attracted to her. What should I do?

Assalamu aleikum

I am married for 1 year. This is my second marriage.

I have been facing an issue with my wife for a long time.

Before she got married, my wife did a gastrectomy to loose weight.

Unfortunately her body suffered from this.

After we got married, I realised that, I don't feel attracted by her.

We have intercourse and we achieve pleasure. But sometimes I feel like I am forced to do it.

Sometimes I remember my first wife and sometimes, I do stuff that I shouldn't do, like watching other women in the internet.

My wife found out few times and she cried a lot and we argued because I have hurt her feelings.

I don't know what to do. I feel like having another wife.

But as a muslim I understand importance of marriage but everyday is harder and harder.

Pls. advise if I should continue this relationship. If in the present I am having this issues, I cannot imagine in the future.

Jazakum Allah khayr

asaltaf

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8 Responses »

  1. Hello Brother,

    Better consult a doctor, it would be right place to sort out your problem, website isn't a place to discuss such matter, its all man power problem, doctor can advice you better than us....

    Regards

    Sayeed

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    While a physical attraction can be important, there are other things that contribute to building a happy relationship. Your wife is a person with her own identity and opinions, who you presumably connected with enough that you wanted to marry her - spend time getting to know her and building shared interests, and you may inshaAllah find that as your relationship and love grow, you find her more and more attractive.

    You mention that your wife had a gastrectomy - sometimes people can have side effects of the operation, and if this is the case for your wife, it may be helpful for her to revisit her doctor or surgeon, as they may be able to help. Of course, before going for further surgery it would be important to discuss the matter with a reputable scholar.

    And you need to stop comparing your wife to other women. If you find yourself thinking about other women, pull your thoughts back to thinking about your own wife. Remember the qualities that made you want to marry her. The women you're watching on the internet almost certainly aren't really like that, anyway. They'll have lots of make-up on, probably have had plastic surgery, the images will be heavily edited before they're shown, and the women are probably being paid to act in a certain way to fulfil men's fantasies. If you keep prioritising fantasy, then you risk missing out on a real-life connection with your wife.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  3. Your wife will never look like a porn actress. No one does. Get real brother.

    this is why you stay away from media, movies,and porn. This is the consequence my brother.

    You have to keep away from these things, and do nice things for your wife, take her out, treat her well and date her all over again. Make time to listen to her and build a bond.

    Maybe study something together online, or take daily walks together.anything to remind you that she is still your beautiful wife.

    Everyone's body will change, age, get fat, get wrinkly, etc etc...when you lose that attraction you don't get a new wife. That's crazy.

    You work on your relationship, you repair it, do something else exciting in the bedroom during your intimacy time, and change things up..but you don't change the wife.

    You are addicted to lust brother, the newness of a relationship, even if you marry for the 3 or 4 the time that relationship will also get boring in the bedroom,and it's up to you both as a couple to spice things up.

    And most importantly, stop watching porn and movies....they really create false ideas about making love, our bodies, and the reality of marriage.

  4. Brother do you honestly think divorce is the best solution? I can try to empathise with you, I understand the importance of intimacy within a marriage but you need to understand the deeper meaning of marriage, intimacy is just one part of it.

    I know that gastric banding can leave unwanted side effects but I am sure that a good doctor can help to minimise them. Thinking of divorce and fantasising about other women is not going to help. It will make the situation worse and drive you further away from your wife. You need to be stronger than this and understand that this is the devil playing with your mind. You need to respect both your wife and yourself. You made a commitment to her, why are you giving up on your marriage so easily? Over something so trivial, although it may not seem like this to you.

    Turn the tables, place yourself in your wife's shoes and try to understand how hurt she must feel, how would you feel if she was revolted by you? What about all the other good qualities your wife has, are you going to throw all that away?

    Life is unpredictable, let's just say you divorce this wife, and end up marrying a super model. She's perfect just what you wanted, your attracted to her more than you've ever been attracted to any woman you know, but then things take a turn for the worst - she's involved in an accident and she loses her good looks. Her face is full of scars and is deformed. Are you going to leave her too? And move onto the next good looking wife? What if you end up with scars, how would you expect your wife to react? You would want her to see past everything physical and be able to connect with you on a much deeper level. I know it's easier said than done but the way I see it is that everyone has flaws, but when you love someone you love their flaws as well, because that person is yours, their special to you.

    Even if you had a beautiful wife, that you were attracted to and nothing awful was to happen to her, her body would still change when she became pregnant. All those stretch marks, the tummy muscles becoming looser, gaining weight etc - but that shouldn't make you lose interest in her, instead you should have a bond that's deep enough to see past all the physical flaws.

    Brother the ultimate decision is yours but in a few years when we're all grey and wrinkly our looks will fade anyway. But our character, personality etc won't - so I believe it's more important to appreciate that instead of looks.

    Anyway, I have written this in a hurry but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

    I pray Allah swt places love and affection between you and your wife. Ameen.

  5. Horrible person

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