Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m pregnant and dont know what to do…


Now what...?


I reverted to Islam a few years ago alhamdulilah but I lost my way later on with not much support when I reverted.

Later I found love with a kashmiri Muslim guy. We had so much in common and got on really well. He has a bit of a past being married and has kids also but I didn't care about that as I loved him a lot. I know most will say it was not love because we had a haram relationship but lets just say I had strong feelings for him. We even started living together for some time which I know again is haram but I really thought he wanted to marry me and settle down with me, he would always bring me food and make sure I was ok also. I even met a few of his kids and had close bond with one of them and meet his brother also so some family were present and knew we seeing each other even though a few of his brothers did not approve of us but we was happy and he told them how he felt about me.

Later on we comitted zina in the relationship and we started praying together asked Allah for forgiveness but later on I had a scare as I thought I might be pregnant and he thought I might be also. He told me he would get a pregnancy test the next day and told me that if I was pregnant he would stay with me and that he would not mind having a child with me, so of course I thought happy. But I was wrong for comitting zina which I regretted and asked Allah's forgiveness.

I did the test the next day and I was not pregnant but I had a lot of morning sickness etc but it was negative. Time went on we went back to zina and it stopped again for a while. Then he had to go back home as his grandma got very ill with some of his family. During that time I was still having morning sickness the test was negative but maybe too early to come up positive.

Where we stayed he wanted to find another place when he got back so I went back to live with my family. Before this he told me some time ago he might move in with his mum as she wanted her own place but she went on about it a few times and never did anything so when I heard it I just thought she just saying it she won't go through with it. Anyways he went back home with his mum, son and some other relatives. It's been a month he been gone and is coming back tomorrow now.

I Have found out 2 weeks ago that I am about 7-8 weeks pregnant and I told him when I found out. He said "how could you get pregnant so fast?" and "I did not want this for you". Later we chatted on the phone and he told me "I don't want you to have this child" and he hung up or the connection went. I tried ringing back. He did not answer my calls. Later he messaged me saying he can't because he promised his mum he would move in with her when they get back and that his brother has got them a place to live in.

I am very upset and stressed because he said he would always be there and when I told him that's what he said (that he would always be there) and he said he was sorry.

I don't know what to do. Nobody really knows but a close girl mate and I have not told my family as they will tell me to get rid of it. Sometimes I think I should have an abortion because bringing the child up may have a hard life and on top of that I may be homeless. I am not working anymore also. It has really come at a bad time. But at the same time I want to have it as I have had an abortion in the past before I reverted and that was not my choice - my family made me do it or else be on the streets. It not easy thing to deal with. I don't think I can do it again.

But I want to marry later but feel as if nobody would marry me because I have a child and done zina also. I need help. I cry everyday and can't eat and sleep, have really bad morning sickness but this stress makes it worse. This sister needs help - please advice me in the best way possible.


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21 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaikam

    Sister, I would urge you to keep this baby. Each life is a blessing from Allah, each pregnancy is His will. If you have been through an abortion already, I'm sure you remember the ordeal - don't put yourself and your baby through that.

    You say that the pregnancy has come at a bad time. But, it may be that it has come at the perfect time. Already, you have seen the father's true colours and recognised that it isn't wise to get involved in haram relationships. This is an opportunity for you to start a new chapter in your life - look at your accommodation, employment options, lifestyle... Are they halal? Is this the lifestyle you would want your child to live in? If not, take action to make the changes. There will be challenges, but for every challenge there is a solution, inshaAllah. Look at each one as a chance to bring your life more in line with Islamic values.

    But inshaAllah your parents may well support you in time. Parents tend to want what is best for their children - that can sometimes lead to them putting pressure on, to do what they think is best rather than what actually would be best. But if you tell them that you are pregnant, that you want to keep the baby, and you are absolutely not getting an abortion... inshaAllah there's a good chance that once the arguments die down, they'll respect your decision.

    As for the father, he has a right to be involved in his child's life, but he doesn't have the right to tell you to end the pregnancy. Tell him that you're keeping the child, that you would welcome his support but will be going ahead with the pregnancy regardless, and that you will support him to be part of his child's life if he wants to be. He may or may not reconsider his views, but that's up to him and doesn't need to affect your decisions.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • Wsaalams ye the abortion i went through was hard and i still think of it to this day but my family made me have a abortion last time it was either have a abortion or move out and be on the streets. Thats why am so scared to tell them now incase they make me do the same or just kick me out i dont want to be away from my family i love them so much. Its hard to find places down south i dont really have anywere to go i might end up on the streets in the end. It is hard to support the baby by myself as a single mum like were will i stay and how will i feed it and stuff i wont have enough money for all this. The father has come back from holiday now and not even contacted me so i dont know if he has did a runner or he just not had time to get back to me. Its very hard for me right now am just under so much stress and i ask Allah to help me but i duno who to turn to who can help me get my life on track if i do have this baby.

  2. Salam sister,

    Do not go for abortion no matter what the situation is or no matter who told you to. It's a murder.
    Allah entrusted you and chosen you to carry your child and be a mother. It is a very great blessing from Allah SWT. There are many couples who want children but are not able to conceive. And please don't do abortion just because you are worried about what people may say. Let people say whatever they want. You have to have thick skin and be brave. You have done the deed and made wrong choices, so you have to suffer the consequences. I m not trying to shame you or insult you. I am feeling for you. But I want you to become strong for your baby.

    I would like to suggest you to please stop haram activities in your daily life and please stop committing zina from now on. Past is past. Leave the past, forget about it and turn over a new leaf. From now on, you are gonna become a mother. It is your responsibility to provide your child a good Islamic environment and teach him/her about Islam.

    Please be strong. Allah is always there for you. These things are challenges and trials that we have to face just for a while.

    And leave the father of the baby alone. It seems that he was not a good person and only used you and had no intention to marry you. He will not marry you. The moment he smells that scent of trouble, he left. Think of it as a good lesson in your life and never give a man your body until he signs the nikkah contract.

    For now please just think of taking care of your baby by yourself and try to work. Live your life in a halal way and maybe down the road, you will meet a pious man with a good character who wouldn't bother about your past nor the fact that you are a single mother, and would want to marry you. InshaAllah.

    • Wsaalams i know a child is a blessing and sent from Allah and i really thought the father would of stuck around and we could of got married and brought the child up together but i cant see that happening now. Am not worried so much what people say i feel i have brought shame to my family before and now it has happened again i really want to tell them because i cant keep it in and sooner or later if i keep it i will start having a bump and that i cant hide. I have left all these haram things and zina but how can i bring the child up if i wont have no place to stay i would love to teach my child about our beautiful religion and show them the right path. I just aint in a stable place at the moment it hard to get a place to stay and i have no job i will be all alone this cant be good for the baby also.

  3. DO NOT ABORT YOUR CHILD YOU WILL REGRET IT. DON'T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO ARE TELLING YOU TO GET RID. You created this life whatever has happened has happened past is the past. Your main priority should be the well-being of you and your baby now.

    Leave this man he isn't worth it he is using you only for sex now responsibility has come he has run WHAT A COWARD theres no excuses. My strong advise to you is keep your baby and you have to leave this realtionship it is haraam. CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HIM please have respect for yourself you deserve so much more. Do not be scared you have nothing to be scared about Allah is with you and will take care of you. For the sake of your child you have to make yourself strong and put yourself first.

    • I did regret it when i aborted my last child it took so long to get over well not over but to get on with my life again. I know the father is not right and he should of stood up to his responsibilitys as if he was decent he would of. I am scared for myself but am more scared for the baby as it needs a place to stay and food etc am not stable to do any of these things i can get a job but house i cant as i will be by myself there is no room at my familys house that i live in so whatever way i would have to move out

      • That's why regardless now you created life again keep it and bring it up. I know you will be thinking easy for you to say BUT at the end of the day you had an abortion previously and now may be different because having a child is a blessing. There may be future complications if you keep aborting babies and not fair on the child regardless of your current situation. I am sure within time your parents will except it. You may have to tell them and TELL THEM ITS MY BODY AND MY CHILD and take full responsibility these are the consequences for having sex before marriage. You also need to now stop all the sins and forget having a man and put your child first and the child need first before your priority. I really hope and pray you keep the baby no matter what.

  4. Yeah , don't go for abortion, think that having zina is a sin but pregnancy is different . May be there will be lot of problems in ur life but what about that selfish , shameless man ? do u think he will not go through any problem? Don't be afraid but what u have done is very bad , though many muslims are doing this nowadays, look at the man u loved , he is responsible for the zina also. Whatever the situation is don't kill the life that is inside u . And don't hate yourself, InshaAllah there will be time when u will be for given and have a golden future . Look a man being non muslim may do many crimes , sins etc. and after being muslim they becomes pure , but they do not carry the sign of their past deeds as women do by being pregnant. If u think u can face the situation then tackle everything with courage , but remember , this is a teaching for u.

  5. Sister what about shelters? Are there any shelters you can go to? Speak to social services and make an appointment with your gp they will certianly guide you with re to places to stay etc.

  6. Here is the reply, sister:

  7. Assalam alaikum,

    As we walk down a road and fall down, we get up and start walking again. We don't avoid getting up and hoping to fall into a deeper hole because of how others will percieve us--and if we do, we are living for those people. Sister, you are hurt and no one can understand your pain. It is terrible and it is lonely and we can only offer our words--but you have asked because even you could not digest just following through the motions anymore. I urge you to not abort this child and I suggest that you get support from your local Muslim community with the sisters. There is help available for Single Moms in many Muslim communities and if there isn't--find a place where there is.

    Comfort is a mysterious thing. You think that it may be in getting rid of this child, but you will tear away the comfort in your mind, perhaps permanently. Sometimes comfort is in taking the more difficult road, on which you fall, get hurt and get back up. Let the ones who judge you judge you. Let the ones who call you names and abandon you -- perhaps this was the way for you to find out the shades and the colors of those around you. There is a grand plan, trust it now, go forward now, don't fall now after all that you have come to know.

    Get help from a shelter.
    Talk to a lawyer about financial support from the father. You can't think just like a single woman anymore--that luxury is gone--think like the mother and the father of this baby.
    Talk to a trusted person in the Muslim community.
    DO NOT give up.
    Trust Allah swt.
    I pray for you and will make special du'a for you and your baby. I hope you find that feeling of power inside you and hold onto it.
    May Allah swt guide you, help you, elevate you in ways that you could not imagine, Ameen.

  8. Salaams Sister

    Please do not abort the baby as others have said. The Prophet (peace be upon him) specifically said even babies born from zina should be born.
    I appreciate you are in a tough position. Keep harassing the guy to support you in any way (place to stay or money) and ask him to marry you
    Talk to shelters, and local mosque as they may be able to publicize your plight (raise funds or get you help). You need to talk to others to reduce your worries (Citizens bureau worst case)
    I pray you find help and it will be ok please don't stress too much, Allah swt always provides
    Only tell your family once you start showing, ie. Too late for them to say abort
    In the longer term I suggest using websites like singlemuslim to find a good brother to take care of you InshAllah as its tough for you as a revert.
    Please forgive me for any incorrect advice. Allah knows best

  9. Asalaamaleykum Sister,

    The advice that I would like to give you:

    Make your relationship with Allah strong. An hour of study a day, especially after the time of Fajar Namaz is a good way to start. Whatever you want in life, study those subjects in light of what Islam has to say about them. We being muslims need alot of help always. Islam is there to guide us, help us and if you follow in light of Islam, you will be successful and also be able to obtain happiness and peace.

    Allah Gives and Forgives - Man Gets and Forgets.

    Remember Allah always, be connected, and stay connected. and do not forget even for a second.

    I can understand you were deeply in love with this Kashmiri Muslim Guy. Also you must be aware of this, that love is blind.

    Do you know what is the Criteria for being married in islam?
    Do you know what is the criteria that a man must have for being a good husband?
    Similarly, for you to be a good Muslim wife, there is a criteria that you have to fulfill.

    in love, most people become blind. and see only what they want to see.
    Before you can let any man into your heart, you must first let Allah into you heart.

    You said, that Kashmiri guy was previously married.
    A Muslim man is allowed to have 4 wives. Did his wife know about you?
    Did his wife accept you? this is a bit important.

    Suppose you did get married to that man.
    and that man started seeing another woman.
    How would you feel? Would'nt you want that woman to come and talk to you.
    And if you felt helpless in controlling your husband.
    if that woman came and talked to you, and if you were unhappy, and you told her to leave.
    and if she left your husband alone. So your husband would focus more on you (his wife) and his children and family and home.

    The other thing, you committed sin together. and then you asked for forgiveness. but you then committed the sin again with him. Be strong. pick a path, and pick the path that Islam tells you to do. and follow it through and through. You need to make yourself a strong Muslim first.
    Otherwise you will fall weak, thou you have the desire in your heart to do the right thing. you lack the strenght and practice. And that is why you fall weak.

    If you wanted to be intimate, the right way was to get a legal nikah. nikah is made easy in islam. you don't have to spend a fortune on it. nikah is there to help you and save you. you should have done a nikah. which would have made me dutiful to you. and which would have helped you when he left you.

    and if he refused to do the nikah with you, or if he made excuses you would have learned that he was not the right man and you would have saved yourself.

    What seemed so beautiful to you at first, that your ignored you Religion because of it.
    What meaning does it hold for you now ? what happiness or peace does it bring to you now ?

    You have to understand, how can you ask Allah for forgiveness, when you are going to repeat the same thing all over again.

    I can understand your situation very well. And i only want to help you, with the little that I know.

    You said, you had alot in common with that guy. But that is not enough. you have to understand, men and especially muslim men most of the times. behave completely different in the beginning, and then change for the worst later. Whenever you are going to get married to someone. make sure he wants you for who you are. and he can give you and promise you the things. That you deserve in light of Islam.

    When he told you, over the phone, how did you become pregnant so fast? what did you understand from that statement? When he told you to get an abortion? what did you understand from that?

    In islam it says, "to save one life is to save entire humanity"

    You lived your life, the way you wanted to live. but never thinking of the repercussions or consequences that would follow. you took alot of things for granted. If the guy was financially unstable. you both were not ready for this. And when you were pregnant, and he said, he wanted you to get an abortion. You should have said to him, that you are going to keep the baby and see his reaction. If a man does'nt love his own child/baby . if a man does'nt care for his own offspring, what does that say about you? what does he think about you ?

    you should have said , you are going to keep the baby and he should financially support his baby.

    If he was a real man, and he was a proper muslim man. despite how bad your situation might be. he would stand by you. and not leave you alone. that is the true test of things.

    As far as i believe, you have no communication with him right? he has left you.
    and you already had the abortion.

    I am very sorry for you sister. But i can see the burden you have over your shoulder, and you are going to live with that for the rest of your life.

    i hope you are a better judge of character of men now.

    The baby was yours, and you were the mother. The decision should have been made by you alone. and no one else. How can you love a man a stranger so much. that you would go against your family for him. but for your own child. you did'nt want to go against your family. you took the easy way out.

    While i have complete sympathy for you. and i wish you had never been through all that. I am sorry if my words are a bit harsh. i have no intention on being rude, or to hurt you. but i had to tell you the truth.

    look for signs in a relationship. if something seems wrong. focus on it. it's better you get out of a bad relationship sooner than later. often, we see those signs, and know it is trouble for us. but we wise to ignore them simply because we are in love, and we do not want to let go of that blissed feeling. but remember anything, that is not in accordance with Islam is only temporary.

    And doing things the right way in light of islam. you would not have been happily married in this life on earth, but you two would have been happily married when you you to the next life in heaven.

    Make a strong relationship with Allah. The strongest that you can have. and never leave that for anything or anyone. When the right person will come along. he will know what is the right thing to do. He would want to make your connection more strong with Allah and islam. He would want you to become a better Muslim. he would never ask you to do anything other than that. and if he does. he is not the right man for you.

    i will try to remmeber and pray for you.
    take care.

    P.s Forgive me, if my words were harsh, i did not mean for them to sound harsh. i just said, what i felt was necessarily to share with you sister.

  10. wow, you committed your mistake again and again, i have also committed my mistake again, not zina or anything disgusting, but i was aware of the consequences and i was confident that i will get out of my situation even though i repeated my mistake

    doing abortion will a cruel for the child, he did no mistake you did, you also failed to learn from your past experience and you said you prayed and did zina and continued haraam relationship

    why is it difficult to marry and have halal relationship if you guys loved each other? i fail to believe it. you acted very immature and i say it again, its not the child's fault, its your fault and you will have to cope with that

    you have narrow options now and you should choose your child even if your parents kicked you out, get a quick job and in the mean time find your friends to give you shelter

    if you kill the child you will be a very big sinner and even though you may escape your tribulations now, you will not escape on the judgement day

    if you abort, you will also fail to leanr from your mistakes, take responsibility, like everybody else and move on

  11. Sister im not sure if you still read these replies but please contact me via email...

    • Assalaamualaikam

      We do not permit the exchange of private contact information on this site. Please do not post your email address in comments.

      Midnightmoon editor

  12. Keep crying every moment and keep asking for forgiveness. I wonder how girls can take things for granted. how can they blindly trust if some one told them he will marry.

    Now face the consequences.

  13. assalamualaikum everybody, I hope any of you can help to give me advice as I'm in a very difficult situation. Sorry for popping out on this page randomly. I do not where else to seek for advice and I came across this page seeing your comments. I have been married for 3 months. Alhamdulillah, I have conceived 4 weeks ago. But my situation right now is that I am a cabin crew. Cabin crews are not allowed to get pregnant as they will sue us for 15,000. Furthermore, I don't have money. I wasnt born from a rich family. My husband isn't working as well as he is still studying for diploma. Before being pregnant, it was already difficult enough surviving for the both of us as in me and husband. Some days I depended on my aunty to pay some of my bills. I'm afraid I might not be able to support the baby. Also I need to support my dad as he is old. True that there are other jobs beside being a cabin crew, but other jobs require qualification and I do not own a qualification as I quit school at the age of 17. Being a cabin crew doesnt need high qualification. I desperately need advice because to me both are important and a dream come true. The job and the baby are a blessing to me. I'm afraid that aborting my baby for a job isn't worth it. But I'm also afraid in terms of money wise

    • Adrianna, you cannot abort your baby for the sake of a job. That is a life that has been given to you and you are responsible for nurturing it. Do your best to find another job, at least until the baby is born, then maybe you can return to your cabin crew job.

      If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael Editor

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