Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m sad and don’t know what to do

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Salaam brothers and sisters

I have a question and I would like to take some advice.

I was married at the age of 17. It's been 8 years of relationship with my husband and mashalah  we've got two beautiful girls. I was married to my cousin from back home, my in laws insisted for me to get marry although in the beginning I didn't want to, because I was still in my education. But I don't know why - was it because I was immature? - I agreed to it later on and for marriage within a week.

Everything was going well. I stayed back home with him until I was turned 18, then I came back to UK. My parents encouraged me to go back into education but I didn't want to at that time, so they were helping me a lot to bring him over. I didn't have enough qualifications at that time as I left my education in the middle, so it was a bit it difficult to bring him over. My husband or in laws didn't send me a penny, I was relying on my parents for my expenses.

Finally Allah accepted our prayer . He granted with a indefinite stay after 6 months. His parents didn't educate him so he struggled to get a job because he couldn't speak English. I helped him with every little thing from finding him English classes to our own place, of course I would do that for him, I wasn't doing any favour, he was my husband so it was my duty to support him. He found a job in a local restaurant. The wage wasn't very high but Alhumdualillah we were happy with it.

I help him with the paperwork and deal with phone calls as he was having trouble to understand. I will help him thinking "He will learn one day" but he seems like he's not very bothered what I want. I really want my husband to be well educated. I want him to be able to go things by himself confidently and because it's been many years he should be able to do that.

After some time I have gone back to education, I passed my driving test because I really wanted it and I got them, and today I work in a nursery Alhumdulillah. I'm not showing pride that "look I done it" or anything but because I showed my interest on it I worked hard on it so I got it - I didn't get all that without effort. I started from zero.

My husband is very strict about dressing and having friends, going out with friends etc. I stopped all that for him and only do what he allows me to. Then I turned 19 then 20 then 21 then 22 then 23 then 24 then 25... soon will be 26. I have two children to look after, I dress them, I pick and drop them, I feed them, I handle all the outside work, housework, own paid work and many other stresses.

And when we use to have argument he use to hit me very badly, mostly I argue with him to ask him to achieve something, learn driving and sometimes he argue with my dressing - he doesn't like what I wear. He doesn't like me doing this doing that. I understand I should obey him but I can't for everything, I accepted all his weakness so can't he allow me in something that makes me happy?

It's been 8 years and I don't want to do that anymore. I want a man who can do everything by himself, who can speak well English so then he can handle everything, who have confidence to speak and do things. I have been doing all these for many years. I never felt it but don't no why since end of last year I'm really tired. I just don't feel like doing it anymore. My love has slowly decreased. He loves me, but that's because he is getting what a husband should get. But for me I don't get that peace in my head, I don't just want physical relationship. I wanted someone who can really be able to do everything by himself.

Even if I help there are still many things he will be dissatisfied with. He's always not happy with my decisions. Before when he use to approach me to apologise and etc I use to feel happy that it use to work but now I don't feel that anymore. I know I shouldn't say that but my heart doesn't want to stay with him anymore, I don't have that feeling for him anymore.

When I go to someone's wedding or anywhere seeing a husband is doing certain things that I wish my husband was doing that too, I mean am I wrong? Astagfirullah may Allah forgive me, I should have this feeling which have never ever have any feeling for anyone's man or anything ever. It has never came in my head before because of fear of Allah.

I still got fear of Allah and will always do but I started to have feeling for someone else who really relieves my stress by talking to me, giving me hope. We are not in any haram relationship but I feel really happy talking to him. I won't lie because I can't hide it from Allah . In the past few weeks I am starting to realise I'm just living my life but there isn't any  love anymore as much as I use to. I use to love him very very much but I don't feel that anymore.

I wanted advice that should I be with him for the rest of my life where I know he will try but he can't change and just live unhappily? Or should I solve the problem by splitting up with him and live happily with my two children? I'm not the type he wants but he doesn't want to leave me and he wants me to change and do all what he wants. Ok, but what about my happiness and care?

I need advice please.

thank you.

saira215

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8 Responses »

  1. Sister if you are talking to this person who isn't your husband it is ended haram!
    You should instead try talking to your husband, what your doing is dangerous, by talking to this person you are getting feeling towards him and is making you se any little bad detail about your husband worse!
    Stop all communication with this person and focus on your marriage you have two children to think about, maybe you should express to your husband that you would like for him to step up on a few things (in a calm serene matter)

    There are many bad man out there you can read some older posts of how bad and abusive some husbands can be, as an adult you know not every relationship is perfect there is always flaws and your husband not liking th way you dress isn't that big of deal try to make him happy he is not just complaining for no reason

    I pray to Allah you see the right way

  2. Hi:

    I suppose feeling in people change with time. I am no expert in love or even in Islam but what i know from my life experiences that Love is primarily a chemical released in our bodies and sooner or later our bodies stop producing this chemical and we feel out of love and out of feelings for our spouse.

    With the passage of time these feelings for the new guy will also vanish because we are humans and we change with time; our circumstances change. Very soon you will also start disliking this guy for his independence.

    I suggest you experience what I am saying. Don't break your marriage; stay in connection with this new guy and then wait and see how your feelings change. Only then u will know for certain what u want.

    Take care

  3. Salam sis
    Firstly I'd like to say that you were married too young! Your parents got you married with an uneducated person, and he was from another country, ,which in itself is hard. Life can be very hard and difficult especially for people who are and brought up from two different environments with different views in life ..
    I will say you are good for helping your husband through many areas, job,coming over, financially etc.
    and yes, I do agree that you have tried your best to make ends meet and see eye to eye with him. It can't be easy for you or him,, life is hard!!!! This is your husband you and him have two beautiful girls so try and ease up and make it work please.
    By you talking to another man and probably comparing him and your husband is wrong!
    There should be no second man in your life even as friends, find a woman to chat too.
    Talking to another man won't help as you open up to him, he and you will probably get close and do nothing of good. You should talk to your husband and understand him and think long and hard about your daughters and make it work, no second man will give your daughters love of a true father.
    Put this second man to aside and focus on your husband, your daughters and you self.
    Try and meet him half way, dress up to please your husband and only him. Think of going to a marriage councillor, your husband should not be hitting you, that's totally wrong!!!!!!!
    Try and make it work, give and take, look into your marriage where you can both change a little to make a better future. Please don't look at other people's husband and wish your husband was more like them, it's not right. You should be happy with what you have got. Your husband can't become a genius overnight if he doesn't want to educate himself to the max leave him be. His got a job and he is trying to earn and bring income so that he can support his family. You should focus on your family with appropriate people who are councillors and work in that line.
    Men from outside just take advantage of your situation and will give you ideas which are not going to be the right answer. Try and make your marriage work please the best you can, although I will say again don't sit down to him and let your husband hit you. No one has the right to hit anyone!!!
    Your husband should respect you and you him.
    Hope things work out for you and your family, duas and prayers are with you and your family please be sensible and be true in your marriage, give it a year or two to improving your marriage by adapting ways from both sides, and please remember that you are not alone lots of people go through marriage through hard and good times. We just have to work at a marriage, may Allah bless you and your family little sister Ameen.

  4. Sister Saira ,

    First problem is the new man in your life .You are indulged in a haraam relationship so how you will find happiness and mental peace ?? You are cheating your husband and now all of your sadness is because of new man .You are convincing yourself that you are not physical so its fine but shayateen is taking you to path of zina slowly ..
    When a 3rd person is involved the marriage problems looks bigger .Even a small dislike of spouse looks bigger .His talk will look good and your husband will further look bad to you .

    First you need to stop any communication to new guy as this is haraam and try to fix issue with your husband ...Read other posts there are many educated and high profile who are abusing their wives so be grateful to Allah for what you have and stop indulging in extra marital affair .

    This is a month of Hajj and First ten days of this month are so special and if imagine you are indulging in haraam act here ..Stop all these and focus on Praying and Islamic studies ..You are mother of 2 kids and not too young now .Imagine what example you will set for your kids if you continue this extramarital affair ..You need to think from this point also .You want to break your family ,take away their real father from your kids and bring new man by haraam way?? ....This will appear very bad to your kids .

  5. My dear sister,

    It seems like you were too young to marry and you should never marry anyone back home because they have a totally different life experience from you growing up in the UK. I don't know why parents do that still. Just learn from this and don't do this to your children.

    Know my dear sister, no matter who you marry life give you a whole lot of ups and downs.

    1. You need to cut pff talking to any men. That is extremly dangerous. Just stop immidiatly. You have a husband, turn to him for comfort and support, not someone outside your marriage. This can easily lead to an emotional affair, and then a physical one. Cut it off.

    2. Stop comparing your husband to anyone else. Even if you marry someone local to you, you will still have issues in your marriage. It's the social media and that fancy picture that everyone likes, where the couple look happy for that second....but in reality....they have a ton issues. All couples have issues, you are not alone in this. Ofcourse people are happy and loving in weddings, but reality will hit them eventually....don't worry. Life is not a fantasy for anyone. And people don't walk around telling you what a terrible fight they had with their husband the night before....people just don't do that. People only talk about the highlights of their relationship, not the pain and hardship of it...especially online....so don't compare ever. We all have issues.

    3. Abuse is not okay, he is not allowed to hit you. If this a frequent thing, go to councelling or listen to lectures together about marriage and how to improve it on both sides. How to be a better husband and how to be a better wife.

    4. No one is perfect. You are not perfect. So don't expect your spouse to be perfect. He is flawed, he makes mistakes and so do you. You have to love him for who he is, as he should love you with your flaws. Sit down one day and make a list of small things he does to show his love and care for you. Just write down positives and see the good he does versus focusing on the bad.

    5. Find time to drop your children off to your parents or whom ever and just go out on a date with your husband. Do something fun together. Go experience something new, go to a theme park, walk in a beautiful park, go on a picnic, have a romantic evening at home with candles and a bubble bath, be creative and enjoy his company instead of loathing the man. Every relationship loses it's spark...it's really up to you to revive it. Marriage is a lot of work to maintain. No one tells you this when you get married and see those fantasy movies of happily ever after, but there is no happily ever after. You have to create the happy by insuring your husband and you are still connected.

    6. And most of all. Don't take him for granted. Find joy in the small things in life. Life is full of blessing. He is healthy ,he is a good father, he is handsome, he greets you when the gets home, e works hard to make money, and most of all he is just a human being.

    Find joy in life my dear, find ways to connect with him again, and do something fun. After 8 years, you get into a funk, it's along time to be with someone. Just spice it up, fake loving him until you love him again. Make dua for Allah to make things easy for you my dear, turn to Allah always.

    In the end, no one has a perfect marriage ..including me the commenter.....no one does. We all have issues and things to work on. Work with what you have. This is the husband in your life, renew your romance with him, and do take time to make it work. No matter who you marry, all marriages take effort, blood, sweat, and tears. Enjoy the journey my dear, life is full of joy..you just have to open your eyes to the blessings you have.

  6. how to make a new post?

    • http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/wp-login.php?action=register

      -Go to the link above and register after that accept the confirmation sent to your email and it should take you to the webpage where you can submit your question.

      • Hello, I think you should work on your marriage and stay for the sake of your kids and Allah . I know is soo hard but trust me the other guy your talking too isn't that nice either what makes you think that? I have friends that guys sweet talk to them and when they marry them they cheat drink do all kinds of things. You have to be very careful don't let any guy change you. They all want one thing from you and use you break your marriage then what? You will regret it. Nothing is like your 1st marriage bad or good that's what I think. And I know is really hard your doing everything for him I think that's his job to do, just till him how you really feel and see what happens.and Don't look at other people marriages there not perfect they make it seem like it they are not trust me behind close doors no marriage is perfect only Allah is if marriages were perfect they would be boring lol. Take you gotta fight sometimes that's part of life and marriage no matter how many husbands / wife's you marry . Just don't leave your husband onless he hits he a lot and doesn't change that is something to look into othwise stay your kids need a father.take care and sorry about my English.

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