Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m struggling after initiating divorce

Burdened heart


I am not sure if I should be writing on here again, but I need help. I recently received alot of good advice about my broken marriage - 'unhappy marriage considering divorce'. I somehow managed to get the courage to initiate divorce because logically it was the right thing to do but emotionally it has completely torn me apart. My husband has communicated with me since receiving the papers and I'm not sure if he has signed anything yet, but the conversation was amicable and initiated by him. He hasn't really given me any real indication that he wants the marriage to work, but still hasn't given me any real reason to want to divorce me, nor did he initiate the divorce or in a hurry sign the papers, he even suggested meeting, but not sure why as he hasn't made any effort for reconciliation. I realise that he is probably just stringing me along, and will do a complete 180, but for some reason I still have hope that the marriage can be saved. I feel like I have lost my identity, confidence, self esteem and happiness. I have done everything possible, inc counselling, cutting off contact until the recent convo, holidays, working on my career, spending time with family and friends, and generally keeping myself busy but I can't let go of him.

I don't want this divorce, I want more than anything for him to move forward with me. I feel like I have lost my identity completely, I'm not myself, I'm always on edge, I can't sleep, I can't enjoy the day and I have a short temper, even with my parents which hurts them but hurts me more for behaving so badly with them. I feel like I'm living in a distressing bubble, I feel like a failure who no one will like. I just want to run away, sit in a corner and scream. I feel extremely suffocated and at times suicidal but I just can't put my parents through that pain. Rather than things getting easier their becoming worse. Although I don't want to stop praying, and am recognising that my faith has become weak, but despite my efforts to rebuild my faith I'm drifting further away from it. I'm not myself, Ive become bitter, selfish and anti social. I hate everything. I feel so suffocated and I just don't know what to do anymore. I look as though I have aged, i am out of shape too which I never used to be.

I have never dwelled on anything for this length of time, and I'm feeling anxious now. Im pretending to be happy so that I don't make others around me feel upset. If anything could you please all make sincere dua for me because I don't feel mentally right.

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25 Responses »

  1. Wa'alaikum salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

    Dear Sister Bucks,

    This is an Islamic Help & Support Community, You are welcome to share and write as often as you feel the need to. And I feel, I speak on behalf of everyone here. That you are most welcome, and we are all here for you.

    I believe you mentioned, in your last phone call with your husband, that he had signed the papers right?

    There is something else, that I feel you should take into consideration.

    While you were with him, you were completely unhappy with him right.
    He used to ask you to withdraw money for dinners and stuff when he wanted to take the money from you.
    But when you offered to help him, put a down payment on a house for the both of you, he did'nt accept.
    And you were very unhappy living with your mother in law. And he did'nt really care for your happiness.
    Are you forgetting his flip-floppish behavior towards you.
    Isn't he the man who has already been unfaithful to you, and also very boldly jokes about it, in your presence.
    wasn't he the man, when you needed to just talk to him. He used to turn off his phone and don't talk to you. And completely ignore you. And not to mention used to stay away from you from weeks to months at an end.
    Was he there with you, when you were pregnant and you had a miscarriage?

    Then why do you desire to get back with him? So he can do this to you all over again?

    Has he shown any sincere care for getting back together, or shown any sincere remorse? he has'nt, has'nt he?

    Look, think carefully about what you are wanting.

    If you think the pain you are in now is bad, how do you think its going to be when he does this to all over again? not only that, you are gonna start to feel really low in your own eyes.

    I believe, I did mention it to you earlier, that you were going to re-lapse a few times. Before finally you get over him. And this is just a re-lapse. My advice to you, don't do anything at the moment, you can hold it for another day or two. And Just think things over, before you go ahead and actually do something that you will regret. I did ask you, to keep a journal. and write down the things he has been doing to you, and your reasons for breaking off with him and wanting a divorce. Because when you get a relapse like this, you need to read it again to remind yourself of the cruel things he has done to you and made you go through.

    i mentioned it you earlier, in one my earlier posts. The brain/mind, often wants to protect itself, and causes a person to Invent an imaginary situation, where they actually believe they can achieve and have happiness. Do you remember? This is exactly what is happening to you. The facts of your situation are too hurtful, that you dont' want to feel like a victim who is helpless and so vulnerable. You want to be able to get your happiness, husband, and marriage back. and you want to be the savior. You don't want to feel helpless.
    That is why earlier I approached you to help you out. I sensed perhaps this would happen, but prayed that it doesn't happen to you.

    Look! Relationships and love have a transforming effect on people. This is always the case. People who fall in love, who get into a relationships, don't come out the same person as they were before. Trust me on that.
    Like you said, you feel lost, and can't recognize yourself as to who you are. So you are trying to be the person who you were before. Which can't happen. And the kind of a person that you have to become, is seeming to be quite a difficult for you. you need to let go of a few things, and learn some new things, to evolve. There is no other way out of this.

    Please stop even thinking about suicide. It's haraam.

    Try to understand that, our time on Earth is not infinite. It's limited. Death is inevitable.
    You might think the pain is too great, and you can't go through it.

    But listen to me very carefully now. Anyone who commits suicide.
    Who throws away the gift of Life, that Allah (SWT) has himself given to each and everyone of us.
    Goes to HELL for eternity. Eternity!!! That's infinite amount of time. That's forever.
    I don't need to explain hell to you, but that is a million times more painful than whatever you are going through right now. And that's forever.

    I have been through everything that you are going to right now. That's why, I find it so easy to understand your situation and relate to yours. You need to make yourself strong. Or allow someone else, to help you out.

    And believe me, you might think, that the situation you are in is impossible and it's never ending. But I can promise you, you are gonna make it out of it, and you are gonna be able to put it behind you. And you will be once again able to find happiness in your life. and be able to Thank Allah (SWT) for that happiness. Inshallah.

  2. Aoa,

    I read your post and know how you feel. I've been divorced for a little over a month. He married me to make his Mom happy. He was gambling, drinking, and having random affairs from day 1. But would put on a great face that he loves me he can't be without me....Etc. But with time, it became harder for him to have this mask. Both him an his mother are pure evil. I know divorce is the right thing. I was miserable. I was getting migraines all the time. I gained weight because going to the gym was a no-no. I should be at home taking care of his house, and his business, his Mom, and if he had any kids. When you break away, you can't recall the misery you felt when you were with him. I would do an istikhara. Do what you can and then leave it in Gods hands. Whatever you decide, I hope that you are happy. Life is too short for this drama. Live your life. Do what you've always wanted to do.

  3. Assalaam ou alaikoum,

    I feel your pain and desperation, I know that you are in the deepest darkest pit right now. I too have been there. And i'm sorry to say that there is nothing i can say to you that can get you out of this pit. It is something you will have to go through and only time can heal. Hopefully you will come out stronger on the other side one day, and not broken.
    It is immensely difficult to divorce someone when you still have a lot of unanswered questions and when you can't figure out where it went wrong. Compassionate, genuine people can't just switch off their feelings and you still are emotionally attached to him and confused. You can't understand why someone would be so hurtfull.
    Reality is, there are people in this world that don't have any feelings. It is so difficult to understand, so difficult to accept, especially if you loved them. The only thing these people care about is themselves. Sometimes they even enyoy destroying someone else. By caring about him you are giving him the power over you. And power is another thing they enyoy. They use it over you to manipulate,lie and break you in pieces if you let them.
    You have to protect yourself from him, don't let him destroy you. You have given him your delicate, fragile soul and he has it in his hands. Every day he is doing damage to it. You have to take it away and protect it from him, before he destoys it. You have to save yourself, don't let him butcher your spirit. In the end you will realise these people aren't worth it, they are worthless human beings, shallow, empty people that you are wasting your time with. Your husband is raised by people like him, they don't know what love and compassion is, they only have negative emotions: jealousy, contempt, greediness, hartlessness. Don't let them destroy you. I know it's difficult and you will have to go through a long greaving process. But this is a test you will have to go through. Don't sit there waiting for him to realise he has hurt you and feel guilty about it. That will never happen.
    Turn to Allah for strenght.

  4. I agree with Truthful

  5. Salam aleikum sister.
    Have you ever tried to listen to ruqiyah or be checked for blackmagic or jinn. Suicidal thoughts are usually connected with jinn/shayateen and that is their aim, to break the muslim's soul and to separate you from the umma and to let you be alone. Then they will overcome you because 1 person alone is weak. Thats why it us the half of the religion to be married. Staying alone is the condition shayateen like for us.

  6. Salam Jzk for Ur advice everyone - Apologies for posting the same thing twice, I hadn't realised.

    I am definetly not feeling suicidal now, but just exteremely exhausted. I just wish he would take responsibility and feel some remorse, so that im not left with picking up the broken pieces and clearing up the mess by myself. The burden is immense, I can't describe what I'm feeling right now, I'm just so confused and scared. One thing that I am very happy about is that finally after months of self blame I have realised and understand that I wasn't to blame, I certianly made mistakes as im not perfect but nothing to break a marriage. It was him and his awful family who deliberately abused me emotionally to get rid of me - I will never understand why. And alhamdulillah my iman is returning, im finding peace in the rememberance of Allah - im breaking awaybfrom the Devils grip - I really pray that Allah swt protects me from the devil and any further trials I might face.

    Pls keep me in Ur Duas that somehow this burden is lifted, im struggling.

    • Assalam alaikum Sr. Bucks,

      I am very happy to hear that you are finding peace in the remembrance of Allah swt.

      Remember that we are here for a learning experience. I have not been what you have, but I have been through a traumatic experience in my direct family and it tore me apart. The one and only thing that helped me was and still is, is relying on Allah swt.

      The other thing that helped me was not to dwell on understanding every little part. I started to accept that there are things that I will not understand and that some people can just easily hurt others without explanation. I do not envy these people because if they can hurt so easily without regret, I fear for them.

      As hard as it is, take the experience as blessing and try not to dwell long on what you do not understand. Accept the situation, breathe, look to Allah swt for guidance and then move on. It is ok to feel hurt and to ride the waves of the bad emotions--sometimes these waves take us to better places. So, look at where you are right now, compared to where you were when you were with him and being used and abused.

      Even when it is hard, say Alhumdulillah a lot.

      May Allah swt allow you to see the wisdom and when you can't, May Allah swt give you patience, Ameen.

      • Jzk sister saba. I will inshallah use this as a learning curb and move on from it. It's just the hardest thing when I see them on tv - his brother is fairly famous I don't want to say who because it will really expose him. And he's well known for all the right reasons islam and helping Muslims. It just hurts so much how they are prospering in the name of Allah yet they have not treated me well. He has made a space for his wife, she is respected in the family but my husband put me down and let others insult me and break me. They have such a dysfunctional and awful family, a farher that doesn't care, a mother who is cruel, a brother who is gay and another who lies and has poor morals. Kids who don't knownthe first thing about morals and etiquette. Yet they managed to bully and emotionally abuse me to the point of insanity, where I couldn't reason with my husband and had to either accept it or leave. Considering they were all about 15 years older than me and are supposedly islamic, why couldn't they tell me if they felt I was doing something wrong. I'm sure islamically you are not supposed to belittle someone, hurt their feelings, turn them into an outcast and throw them out of Ur home after breaking their marriage on purpose! I will never get over that, because it hurts. Allah knows i tried pure heartedly to make space in that family and I loved my husband dearly. All I really want is for him to realise and feel immense remorse for what he had put me thru, and to soncerely apologise and cry for putting me through all that pain - I really want that.

        • Salama Aleikum sister Bucks,

          You say that you want your ex to feel remorse and cry for forgiveness? How long are you willing to wait for that? What if it never happens? Will you spend your time and life placing belief in another human being? What if he comes back but there's a huge potential he will cause you more pain and suffering? How much can you tolerate? Why do you want to break yourself into pieces?

          I'm sorry for the continuous trauma you are going through. I really am. I don't know what the continuos stimulus is but it seems to be your idea of events and how they affect you. The facts are there but your mind and thoughts have placed such a negative spin on it that although what happened was terrible you seem to go back to it over and over with a negative light on what it has done to you.

          What if what happened was best for you? What if it's better to be without that family you describe? I think most of us would say you're lucky to have got out of it.

          I want to suggest something new to you- go on a charity trip. Try a big organisation like Islamic relief and go somewhere you wouldn't have gone and help people in need. I've just returned from such a trip myself and it was so beneficial. Not only have I come home with a renewed park for life and want to achieve better things but I've made new friends and seen a different world. I now intend to go again and again and will focus my life towards helping those in need abroad. And I pray Allah swt accepts it as charity.

          A holiday is nice for relaxing. But a charity trip will inshAllah place things in perspective. Please consider it carefully and go if you can.

          • I feel this way because I don't think much of myself anymorr. Although I understand this wasn't my fault I feel as though there is something wrong with me that's why he wants so badly to get rid of me and seems quite happy about it. I'm scared that if I let go of this marriage I will end up alone for the rest of my life. I know how judgemental people can be. Everyone in my family and my close social circle are happily married, no one truly cares about my life anyway, it's easy for them to tell me to leave him and try to find someone better but theyre all living their life, it's me who has to go through the pain of divorce and then fixing my life. I know everyone is supportive but I just don't want to end up alone. It's just that mentally im in a very scarey place, this anxiety and panic is persistent. I know it's tiring to read my comments but I'm just scared.

        • Don't be afraid of being alone. Being alone is better than being with an abusive person.

          I agree with Sr. Hopefulsis, go on a charity trip. Help those in need--even volunteering in a hospital if you can.

          I know you are hurting, but it isn't rational or logical thought to give an abusive person the authority to be the one who defines your worthiness.

          If you truly fear being alone more than being with an abusive person, I suggest that you need in-person counselling. Perhaps you need that face-to-face contact to help you through this very rough patch.

          One other thing--ask yourself would you rather make a mistake and realize it and then ask forgiveness for it in this life OR
          would you rather hurt someone so badly and than happily go through your life enjoying popularity?

          Popularity, being on tv, enjoying wealth can be a punishment in disguise, just as pain, heartbreak and such can be a blessing in disguise. You see what is in front of you, but you can't see all. None of us has 360 degree vision and that too in every plane that exists--we are very limited. So, instead of imagining how wonderful people's lives are, (and even if they are), try to focus on you. Focus on what is in your heart, in your mind, in yourself. On the Day of Judgement, we will all stand alone in front of Allah swt, and sometimes, we stand alone in this world too.

          Perhaps you are deliberately where you are because Allah swt wants you to rely on Him more than you are now. Don't give up.

  7. Asalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    You put all of your trust and hopes in a person. And "He" was the one, who let you down. He disappointed you. You did the best you could have done, and far more than what was required from your part. Remember he is the "Man" in the picture. It's his duty, it's his farz. To be the provider, to worry for your wellbeing as your husband. "He" is the one who let you down.

    The situation is, You associated your aspirations, dreams and future happiness with him. After he let you down.
    You are left with a certain great void within yourself. that's normal. But here you are blaming yourself, cause you understand the things happening around you. You are too good of a person to go and accuse or blame someone else. You think it must be you, or you are listening to something someone else said to you. (That they blame you). You have a good heart, you are an honest person, you are person who would sacrifice and give more. And you have done alot for him.

    But all that you gave, and not all of that was equally reciprocated back from his side. So you jumped to the conclusion that we all do. When we can't understand things, we blame ourselves. (even children do that sometimes) Then whatever you think of, you use it against yourself. That's Depression. A person who is in depression or going through depression his/her outlook on everything is different from the reality of the nature.

    You have to get out of this depression to understand, see things for what they really are.
    I mentioned this to you earlier. People who are in love, ( and love has a great part to play in your situation).
    People who are in love, often want to stay in the place that they are in. They don't want to move away from it. It's like you are in a prison. but you are not willing to get out of it, even when there are no doors to your cell.
    They say love is blind right, because love has that effect on people.

    The moment, you admit to yourself. You don't really love that person, you are only in love with the memory of that person. The idea of that person. And that the only mistake you ever made, was an error in judgement for that man. In which case, he might have done alot to sway you. The moment you admit you both are not in love with each other. You can get out of this.

    This happens to the best of us. This happens to the best of us. Rich people, famous people, powerful people, even good people. it happens to us all. We are liable for the part we control that's it. We are not in a positione to force someone else to love us unconditionally. And if someone does'nt care for you. Then you should'nt want him to care about you in the first place.

    I am not far from where you are. I was punishing myself just the same. Till I said, I had enough.
    I was going in circles, I thought I was getting better. Then whenever I would find some new news about her. It would devastate me. That she is happy, she is moving on. Then I decided, I can't go around in circles, and I am wasting my precious time. I had to kick myself to be strong. And I had to move on.

    There are people who live normal lives, then they meet with an unforeseen accident. You must have heard about such cases where a person suddenly after an accident is left with disability for a lifetime. And they learn to fight again'st the odds and struggle to get back on the road again. so can you.

    First you just have to believe. That your life is not over, this is just the beginning. You have everything to look forward too. Find whatever makes you happy. Look deep down inside of you. do a little soul searching. you will see you are still alive. And you know what they say, That this makes us strong. You have the power within yourself to do whatever you want. it's time to move on.

    I started reading books, I started socializing with my friends. my friends still ask me about my situation. i told them. I did the best I could. but it was'nt meant to be. I dont' care what they think about me, if they are my friends. they will still make an effort to be there for me.

    My situation does'nt define me, It just tells them of what I am going through.

    You did the best you could. It was'nt meant to be. Allah's will was not in it.

    You are letting this one incident define the rest of your life. I know this is not a small incident. But there are other people who have gone through worst.

    I would suggest you go, and do some charity work. Sit with kids who are all alone(Orphans). And ask them about their life. You will be surprised. it will do your soul alot good. Please try this.

    We all have ideas that life is going to be glamorous, and it's going to be something like a movie, where the couple gets married and they live happily ever after. But that's fiction. That's not reality. It's not like after you get married you live happily ever after. You have to make it work. And you have to find the right person, a soulmate who wants to make it work with you. Life is about falling in love again and again with the same person. In today's world we fall in love with a person, and then out and then it's over. It's about falling in love more times then falling out of it. And finding new ways of falling in love with the same person all over again.
    And he was not that guy for you.

    Do Istekhara, Ask Allah (SWT) to guide you and help you.

    And Remember, You know what you want. Perhaps you can not see it yet.
    you want to be married happily and you want to experience parenthood. You know you want that.
    Then who is stopping you from having another try.

    Remember Allah (SWT) is the most loving, the most merciful. Do you think, this is what Allah (SWT) wants for you? Seriously think about it.
    You have everything you need, after some time, find the right muslim guy. And start over again. But never give up. Allah (SWT) loves a person who can muster the courage even in the hardest of times and smile. Be that person.

    Have you ever seen, I don't know documentaries or on t.v. that a certain couple had a child with a certain kind of an issue or a problem. And even when the couple does'nt have the finances or the means or anything. They never give up on their child, and they struggle and they do whatever they can do for that child. And in the end, they manage to find happiness. In the end they succeed against all odds.

    Do you think, you are the kind of a person, if a member of your family or friend were in trouble. That you would leave them alone. Would'nt you fight for them. If someone was in a similar condition to yours. What would you tell them to just give up. NO! you would push them, you would force them, you would encourage them and support them, till they get back on the horse and ride it.

    Then why have you given up on yourself, when you would never give up if it was your friend or a member of your family. Why do you see yourself NotWorth it.

    Please break these walls around yourself.

  8. Jzk guys for the patience and ongoing advice. I need to get my act together for my parents if not for me. Pls keep
    Making dua for me, I'm goig to try not to write on here and instead do something more productive when I feel depressed. May Allah swt make it easy for me and for all others who are struggling, ameen.

    • Sister Bucks,

      You're always welcome to write on the forum. But try your best to always take advice given, and I know it may feel easier said than done but many of us have been in your situation.

      Brother Kwab said ' Do you think, you are the kind of a person, if a member of your family or friend were in trouble. That you would leave them alone. Would'nt you fight for them. If someone was in a similar condition to yours. What would you tell them to just give up. NO! you would push them, you would force them, you would encourage them and support them, till they get back on the horse and ride it.

      Then why have you given up on yourself, when you would never give up if it was your friend or a member of your family. Why do you see yourself NotWorth it.'

      This is exactly what I wanted to write to you.

      I had to see myself from the outside, looking in on myself. And I fought for myself. I didn't want that woman I saw suffer, I had to protect and fight for her because I felt she couldn't succumb to someone else's hurt and lack of respect. I looked at myself and I looked at him and I said- 'No way does that guy deserve this girl. No way can she waste her life with him. She has great opportunities ahead and she can't be stopped by this boy.' And till this day I still protect myself when waswas comes to me. When I think I miss him, or that it would have been nice to share my experiences with him. But I think carefully. What would his response be? How would his face look when you tell him you've achieved this? What would his words sound like? What would he so if you were upset about something? How would you feel around him? And sister Bucks each time I know it would be all negative, hurtful, anxious ridden scenarios. He has no space in my life. When I 'see him' in front of me I feel like I'm looking at the face of the joker character in Batman. It helps me remember that he was not right for me.

      Next time you think you need him - think carefully. Play the scenario out in front of you earnestly. Be honest with yourself. Depict him just the way he is without excuse. Do this each time a thought comes to you. Is it true? Would he really hug me the way I'm imagining it? Would he be happy for me today? What would he say? Does that sound like him? Is this the true him? Wouldn't he belittle and laugh as before? Wouldn't he play games? Wouldn't he make me anxious?

      Then take a breather, allow your mind to accept the reality. Pray 2 rakaat and make dua that Allah swt Frees you from the negative thoughts you're experiencing.

      I will make dua for you sis. And I hope you decide to give your time to others and see a different way of life.

  9. In terms of feeling lonely- I feel lonely sometimes too. I too worry at times about when I will re-marry, not if. To be honest with you I never though I wouldn't. How can one bad experience take away a chance of having a partner, companion, children and my own family unit? That doesn't make sense.

    I'm 30 years old. How could it be that I would not meet someone who shares my values and dreams? Sounds alien to me. There is a much much greater chance you will meet someone and re-marry than not. InshAllah it is in your destiny and you need to rebuild so you're inshAllah ready for that. It is good to think good of yourself and your future. It is good to plan and hope for goodness. And Allah swt is the Best of Planners and He is the Most Merciful, The Most Kind.

  10. Aoa guys, just wanted some quick advice.
    Alhamdulillah after a very long year of agony and pain I've finally come to a good place mentally! I actually met my husband as I mentioned previously, and the meeting was ok probably because I wasn't so emotional, he admitted and acknowledged that his family messed me around and his mother wanted me to obey her every command subserviently which he recognised was wrong. I don't think he himself really acknowledged his own mistakes. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he's been acting quite pleasant since then, not once has he mentioned anything about reconciling though. He says he has signed the divorce papers but I know that he's lied about that, but I don't really care whether he's signed or not because I can make it happen without him now with the help of my solicitor (don't think he knows this!). I ended up just ignoring his calls and kept my phone off for a few days to send him a message that I wasn't interested in talking to him but this seemed to have made him even more keen to talk to me. He tells me everything about what's going on in his life, jobs, interviews, looking for a place to live - he discusses things with me like a husband would with a wife. He's opened up completely about his finances, something he was guarded about in the past. But I don't understand why? Especially if he doesn't want to reconcile ? Or is he trying to use me to help him buy a place to live or some other material gain - he knows I'm financially stable. Obviously it makes me super angry that he is selfishly looking to move out and away from his family, but let me suffer from their abusive behaviour and forced me to live with them just to hurt me I think. Anyway, I can't trust him even though I want to. I'm seeing an improvement in him but I don't understand why. Should I stick with my decision for divorce and end this forcefully or should I talk to him and see what he exactly wants since he's postponing the divorce and continues to talk to me like a husband. Is this another game he's playing? There is no point talking to my family because they just don't trust him, even if he came back and kissed my feet, they still wouldn't feel comfortable with me going back to him. I'm leaning very heavily towards divorce, and I don't feel so upset about it anymore, it almost feels like a relief so that I'll be able to move on and inshaAllah start a better life with a better husband. What is he playing at? Is he just bored and lonely and uses me to fill the time. Or does he realise he's losing control over me and is manipulating the situation to control me and make me chase him again. I'm baffled.

    • Sister ,

      Don't go and meet unnecessarily .Its all over .
      Why you are listening to his problems and other details unnecessarily when you have already decided to take divorce ?

      • Because I still have hope that things can improve and we can make the marriage work, but that's only if he initiates the reconciliation.

    • He has left you asking questions about the status of your relationship and has told you that he signed the divorce papers. No man who respects a woman and wants to be with her would leave her wondering, baffled by sending mixed messages. Just my opinion though.

      As long as he isn't responsible for you, doesn't have to answer to anyone (like your father and brother), it is extremely easy for him to share and open up as he wants. I am sorry, but I think you have made things very easy for him because you have invested a lot of hope into things that don't represent him or the situation.

      • I hear what ur saying sister Saba that's the problem I realise I have made it easy for him. I don't know how to get the men in my family involved. They have made it very clear that they don't want to waste anymore time with him. They don't have an ounce of respect for him or his family. They want me to completely block him from my life and speed up the divorce process. They have so little respect for him that they don't even want to talk to him and are telling me to pay a little extra and ask the solicitor to take whatever steps are necessary to end the marriage without him signing the papers. The only person that might be willing to talk to him is my mum but he has disrespected her so I don't want her to chase after him and give him the comfort of talking to him. His family have made no effort. I tell my mum everything about any conversation I have with him and she actually feels that he must be mentally unwell to behave the way that he does. I think the situation is a lost cause I should probably get the divorce over and done with eventhough I wish and pray that I miracle could happen and my marriage could be saved.

        • Dear Sr. Bucks,

          With all due respect, it is you that is consumed with making this one-sided relationship work. You are the one asking the questions. You are the one wondering who in your family will get involved. You are still thinking that the situation is a loss cause, whereas, by now, after what you have been through, you should know either way. Marriage, especially in the Indian subcontinent cultures, is not between two people, but between two families. And if it is just between individuals, they should be ready to stick up for one another.

          I am not telling you what to do. In the end, you have to live with the consequences. I, sincerely, just want to say the honest way of how I see how things have played out and considering what did (or in this case, didn't, like him acknowledging HIS mistakes and ready to meet your family and NOT sending mixed messages which have led you to the exact spot you are in right now) happen in your meeting with your husband, I think the best thing you can do right now is nothing. If anyone should be worrying and chasing, it isn't you.

  11. Salam Sister Buck,

    I was loosely followed your posts and I noticed this has been a long and dragging divorce. I agree with what Saba's wrote. I remembered you mentioned that he has no shame to ask you to pay and ask you for your dowry, etc etc. On the top of that is his quality of being a good person is questionable. Now you also suspect that he may want you to assist him to buy a house. He may just want you because you are from a well-off family and can support him in a way. With all the past mistakes and his intention, is it not enough for you to see what kind of person is he?

    I think somehow your family can see him clearly than you are as you are so close to him (physically and psychologically). They have all the reasons for not supporting him and want you to speedy up the process. (I thought sometimes people may be bias to their own situation but if your family said the same thing about issues of him and his family, then you should pay extra attention.) Listen to their point carefully without bias one more time, maybe you will clear all your wishful thinking for being with him.

    Also, you should not have any conversation or listen to him anymore. Think about it, he has all the chances to open his mouth to apologize or make a sincere talk about what he did in the past was a mistake, etc, etc. (He did mention about his mom wanted to control you but how about him? What was his position at that time? He can not blame his mom for the divorce. He actually played a main part if he had been stood up for you.) Instead, he talks about his life, jokes.... For him, it is like walking in the park, nothing has impacted him or bothering him. He is not naive though, he knows you still have feeling towards him and he makes use of it.

    I hope you won't but be careful if he wants to see you alone outside. Sometimes, divorce gets messy when the two couples sleep together again by mistake or one thing leading to the other. Don't give him a chance. You may politely turn down by saying that he is a non merhem to you and any contacts or conversation is inappropriate which he as a muslim should respect and know better.

    Sister Buck, inshallah, Allah has a better one prepare for you, trust him. You are still young and smart, you don't want to get into a relationship that always make you exhausted. I am also glad that your family is supportive to your decision. Honestly, you should drop your hope.

  12. Dear Sister Bucks,

    It's your life, your decisions, your happiness and peace that stands in the balance. I have trust in you, that you can make the right decision for yourself. All I can do is give you my own individual suggestion.

    Like you said, you are in a good place. The most questions that you had in your mind, that raised doubts, most of them have been answered by him. (but not all) So you finally have some much needed closure that you were seeking. You said, you can make the divorce happen with the help of your solicitor.

    Lets examine the two choices you have.

    1. You get back together with him. Give him a chance, and try to make the marriage work. And hope that he has turned over into a new leaf.

    Lets consider the facts at hand.

    Your husband, he, himself, did not acknowledge his mistakes and wrong doings towards you. He is not even showing any signs of remorse towards you, or for the pain he caused you for which he himself was the core reason. when he has not even done any of this, hoping for him to come and ask you for an apology or to say sorry to you is far-fetched. Never once has he said, he wanted to get back together again with you. Neither has he hinted he wants to try for reconciliation.

    Lets, still assume you get back together with him.
    Since, we are assuming things, lets hypothetically assume some imaginary scenarios.

    Lets say, you are not feeling well. You get sick. you take a few days off work. You don't get well soon enough. You lose your job. and you are really sick and you have to stay in bed all the time. And your source of income ceases to exist. it's ok you have some savings, but eventually they are not gonna last for ever.


    You have stopped making his breakfast in the mornings on time for him. Will he make the breakfast for you, and come and help you. Or will he complain and make you feel more bad then you already are feeling???

    Is he going to take time off from work. or is he going to come home early from work every day to take care of you. To be with you, to take care of your himself. or is he going to stay out late, Or is he going to do something, what he he has previously already done in the past and proven. What do you think ?

    Is he going to pay for your medicines, will he pay for you to have a caretaker at home? or is he going to complain, and start stupid arguments about it?

    Is he going to be there every second beside your bed, helping you get better? And never stopping till you full recover and trying his best. or is he the person who is not even gonna care?

    And what is most important of all, even if he does all this for you. would he want to be there for you? Would be happy to take care of you himself?

    We can't read the minds and hearts of other people, but you are in a position where you know him well and can be the best judge of things.

    Suppose you never ever get sick. But things still dont' work out between you two. you go back to the point, where you start to talk about divorce again. How are you gonna feel then? Who are you gonna blame then?
    Would you then still be blaming him. or would you then be blaming yourself?

    Think carefully about this. and I am sure this will help you shed some light on your answer.

    As you said, your family don't want you to have anything to do with your husband.
    His family, has not been ever kind to you. If you decide to live with him, you can't ignore his family for ever. And especially on birthdays and anniversaries and eid etc. They are going to be there on those days in your life.

    What are the majority of the people saying about your husband. What are the majority of things proven to you, say, on which you should base your decision?

    I can understand that like everyone else you are a dreamer. you have a dream. you dont' want to give up on that dream. Nobody does.

    [You are still ready to give that guy a chance, who has not been kind to you, no one has anything good to say for him. And he has never done anything good. That is very commendable of you. Believe me, he is a very lucky guy that he can have another chance. All he has to do, is come and ask you. But he hasn't, has he?]

    But think carefully. you are not giving up on your dream. you are letting go of the person, who is wrong for your dream and for your happiness. you are looking for signs to know if you are ready to let go of him or not. You are choosing to be careful (there is nothing wrong in that). But you already know what you have to do, and what steps to take. You are a bit scared, if you make the wrong decision in a hurry you are gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
    But you are not thinking, if it is the right decision that you are making, and you spending too much time in making this decision. After that, you are smarter, wiser and stronger now. You will go out there and find the right man for yourself. That fits perfectly with you, in your dream. And he might even share the same dreams as yours.

    The other choice you have:

    You can walk out of this with your head held high. You are in a good place. You are emotionally stronger. You have some answers to the questions that you seeked. You have some closure. you can make the divorce happen with the help of your solicitor. Your family and friends support you.

    And after the certain time period. you can start to look for your soulmate.

    But once you do this, you should never ever look back at your past and wonder why or ask questions anymore. Let nothing from his side, his happiness or success or anything else ever let it effect you. and never start to have any more questions or doubts. He is your past. Time to move on, and never look back.

    you will have the chance in time, to completely forget about all of this and him. And concentrate on your life, and cherish your happiness.

    Having all these thoughts, weighing you down all the time. These thoughts running in your mind all the time. which are draining so much from you. you will be able to completely forget about these worries and the pain and especially him. Time heals all.

    You are an independent woman, you will finally be once again.
    he is core reason for your sadness and pain in your life, he won't be there in your life. to ruin it for you.
    You will be able to be happy again. and no one will be able to ruin it for you.

    You should give a chance to someone who wants to take that chance, Someone who deserves that chance.
    someone who is really to do anything to have that chance. Someone who is ready to fight to have you as a part of his life. Someone who is ready to go to any measure, to be with you.

    Or should you give a chance to someone who is not even telling you, if he wants to be with you or not?

    Trust yourself, trust your heart to help you find your answer. Do Istekhara. and then take action to whichever you think is best for you. Cause you are at the steering wheel of your own car on the road of life.

    I apologize, If my words have upset you. I mean well. I sometimes have trouble with words in communication.

  13. As salaams Aleikum sister bucks,

    I'm worried about you. I'm worried that this man will drag you down again. I'm worried that you feel better because you've seen him and you've re-ignited hope in this marriage. I think everyone has given you very good advice MashAllah.

    Did you tell your family about the meeting? Did you meet on your own with him or did you meet in the mosque as you were planning to do?

    Sister only you will know when you've had enough.

  14. Sister, I prayed isha and made dua for you.

    I'm really quite mad at the fact that you're unable to see what's in front of you. I don't think you're in a mentally stable and good position to take any decision for your life- tell your family about the meeting and let them help you decide.

    Plenty of people leave toxic relationships and attain better lives. I don't know who told you to stick with his man. He doesn't love you. He could care less about you. He has no interest in you as a woman let alone a wife. He doesn't look at you the way you've been looking at him. He has embarrassed you in front of your family and friends. You're now a toy to be used and played with and he is gaining the upper hand and playing you well.

    You keep dancing to his tune sister and you'll waste another year of your life. If I learnt one thing it's this- if you don't set your standards then you'll live by the standards of others. You'll do as he says. And this toxic man is going to play you well and good as long as you're around.

    You don't see a future without him. Everything is about him. You wake up thinking of him, go to sleep thinking of him- your whole world is him. This man you met only recently. He is inked into your brain. Nothing is worth as much as him. No other man can surpass him. You'll lose even yourself for him. You lost your eman for him. You went into depression for him. You felt suicidal because of him. You had a miscarriage and he wasn't there for you. You cried day and night for him. Everything for this pathetic loser of a man! And he couldn't even say sorry. In fact he's now looking at what else he can gain from you. Generally women would run away from a man like this. Hence why you need your family to help you.

    He's actually quite clever. He's good at getting whatever he wants from you.

    While everyone else is concerned for you sister Bucks and are trying to make you see sense, you're busy breaking yourself down. You should try looking after YOU.

    He's just a mirage- this guy doesn't really even exist in your life but he occupies your brain. This is the dunya and tomorrow will be your akhira. You're in a position to chose. If you're scared about the future and what it holds then you are scared that Allah swt doesn't want the Best for you. If you stay in this because you're scared of the future then you have underestimated the Power and Mercy of Allah swt.

    Chose to survive this and chose to live. Right now I reckon you're a shadow of your happy former self. Chose to breathe again and chose to be brave! Chose those who love you and chose an Islamic way of life, chose a marriage that is not toxic to your dunya and akhira. Chose a man who will not abuse you. Chose a practising Muslim man who will be there for you and who will be a good father and role model. Chose to not lose your skills, career and happiness. Chose to be a content Muslim woman. Chose happy days ahead with your family and a husband who is part of that.

    Try to chose for you. Look at yourself and chose YOU. Invest in yourself and chose all the good things that will inshAllah keep you happy and glowing years down the line.

    I really hope you can fight for yourself. Good luck sis.

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