I’m tired of being the good girl!
I want to be free...
I don't know where else to look for help!
I’m so sick and tired of being the good girl. I feel like my whole life has just wasted and I didn’t accomplish anything in life. I feel worthless and pretty much suck at everything. I can’t even find a career I like. As a 25 year old woman, I’m not done with college, not married and don’t have a job. I feel like a failure. I’m too kind and always helping others out, but me and I just hate everything about my life.
Everyone is alway saying mashaAllah a nice girl, who wears the hijab/abbya. Most of the muslim girls i know at least turn up once, some even had sex, drink alcohol and other major sins. Yet they got proposals and they are enjoying their life.
I just feel like the past ten years have been a really bad nightmare for me and I just feel like, i haven't woke up from this nightmare. I feel like for the most part i’m good to my family. I help my mother like doing chores, taking care of her kids and running any errands she needs.
I have never been to a party, drink or had sex at all.
A lot of non-muslims men are always asking me out while my Muslim brothers seems to be nowhere. I just feel so worthless and tired of this world i live in.
My parents are yelling at each-other because of money. So much negative in my house and my parents have so much expectation of me/sisters and I failed miserably.
People are always asking when are going to finish college or why am not married ;( and I all i ever say is i’m not ready. Whenever I attend my friend's wedding, my mother is always saying “when are you ever going to go to your own wedding”.
I’m just so broken and it sucks because there is so much I want and none of my duas seems to come true. I feel so lonely and nobody to talk to about my problems. I have spoken to my parents many times but they make it worse for me. Everyday is a struggle for me and nobody really knows. I cry to myself and all I do is imagine how my life would be if i didn't do that or did that. I’m full with regret and miserable.
I thought maybe this Ramdan things would change, nope nothing. I try to avoid conflicts with family and friends or with anybody and I always apologize first so I could avoid yelling or drama.
But now I want all of this to end. I’m sick and tired of not having money for myself or any. I don’t want to sit around and have hope things will change. I want to move out and get my own place, I want to party, drink and have sex. I don’t want to wear the Hijab or abbya anymore. I want to get fast money and it doesn't have to involve in sex/men.
I’m sick and tired of being this feeling of stuck. I feel like I don’t take risk and i’m in the same place for so long. I’m tired of obeying my parents when they don’t even try to listen to what I have to say or care about me.
I want to leave the “muslim community” and drop all my friends and anybody. I want to move to a place where I don’t know anyone and start fresh. Nothing ever seem to work my way and I was always scared of what i’m getting into but now I can’t do this anymore. I’m sick and tired of making dua, praying or having some type of feeling that maybe something good will come up (hope). I just want to disappear and transform to something new.
I’m sick and tired of being depressed and just waiting. I should be depressed for a reason not because of the way my life is. I just want to be content with life and have what most people have.
I’m not looking for materials things, I just want to be loved and cared for. My entire life, nobody ever asks me what do you need or help with?? Its always me asking my family and friends what they need or help with!! I really want to please Allah but I feel like I failed that as well. I want this life out!!
I feel I should enjoy this life because , I feel like I won't in the next life. I day dream of dying every day or tragic death… I just don’t understand this, I don’t commit major sins but for some reason. What’s stopping me from living my life?? Why can’t I succeed or do well in anything...WHy can’t I least be content with something! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??
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"But now I want all of this to end. I’m sick and tired of not having money for myself or any. I don’t want to sit around and have hope things will change. I want to move out and get my own place, I want to party, drink and have sex. I don’t want to wear the Hijab or abbya anymore. "...
INNAL LILLAH WA INNA ILAYHI RAJI'UUN---All of us belong to ALLAH and all of us will return to HIM...
Sister I feel sorry to you...ALL WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU ARE YOUR TEST/EXAMS ---ALLAH WANT TO RAISE YOU TO A NOBBLE POSITION that many others do have it.
But the DEVIL always try to whisper on you AND HE IS CLOSE TO WIN you....PLEASE DO NOT GIVE HIM CHANCE....He (devil) always find companions to bad things so that they will be together in HELL.
What you see bads in your eyes might not be correct for your sight...BELIEVE ME-ALLAH SAYS ----HE KNOWS WHAT DO NOT KNOW---
ALSO---HE SAY....AND YOU MAY LIKE THINGS WHICH ARE BAD TO YOU AND DISLIKE THINGS WHICH ARE GOOD FOR YOU, ALLAH KNOW AND YOU DONT KNOW....
So be patient my sister---ALLAH is with you as long as you obey HIM and you listen/obedient to your parents.
MAY ALLAH GIVES YOU WHAT IS BETTER IN HIS KNOWLEDGE/SIGHT...BE PATIENT/HAVE SABR
Asalamalekum Sister,
I am a male and i had and still have to some extent the same feelings as you. I have control many kind of urges, and sacrificed a lot. I lost my childhood friends, didn't finish college on time etc. and all this time i never indulge in wrong doing. I was always working therefore could go to college full time, and lost my childhood friends, because my family was always hopping around in america.
Anyway from what i understand, i think your core issue is marriage related. And that was also the problem for me, also. I think you are a really good and modest girl, and i can understand your pain, because when you make so many sacrifices for years. You feel hopeless when you don't get something you truly want and deserve.
I suggest you yourself do something about your marriage, check online matrimony websites and try to find a guy through relatives back home maybe. I don't think diverting from islam and indulging in sinful behavior will make your life any better. I think if you really wanted to do that, you would have done it long time ago and not when you are 25, because i think islam is in your heart and soul.
Salam.
I think I understand a little of what you feel. Everyone wants to achieve somethings by a certain age. Please know that partying, drinking and fornication will not make u truly happy. I know patience can be so very hard to have when u are in a situation when u see no way out but this is the BEST time to turn to Allah. Please believe me when I say this dua dua dua and more dua, I promise Allah listens to every word you say. I know u probably have heard all this before but please turn to Allah truly turn to Allah with sincere dua. U should not look at the people who disobeys Allah just for a little fun. Again make lots of dua sincerely, set aside some time for just u and Him and talk to Him and I promise this would make the world of difference. May Allah make ur test easy.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Dear Sister,
Please give yourself some moment and think ,are you the only one in this world who is suffering or are you the only one who has failed in life.Allah has given us life only to test ,He is all aware of us.But still why is the test? i found that its us who should know what we are . Whether we prepared ourself eligible for Jannah or for jahannam.
Normal ,boring, unhappening, failed life?
what about life of hunger,no clothes,no shelter,evil human around like how it happened in Burma.Have you seen the video of Burma civil war ? Muslim men were beheaded they were burnt alive. Women were raped.Those extremist group enters into the house of muslim and they destroy which all the way they can and they just left. This is how it happened.Check yourself.
My dear sister,you will cry when you what happened out there.Will you able to bear if you see a child burnt alive.My dear sister in Islam .In same Burma a muslim man leaves his house to go for fajr prayer.His wife says, its danger to go outside do not leave ,but he wants to go to masjid.After sunrise the husband was found dead on the road. Think, are you living in such kind of society ?
There are many muslims who suffer in daily life in the hands of evil men.
Thank Allah for what he has given. You are going through worst but not that much as it is happening in other countries.You couldnt find a partner who is not asking you for a date? ,Sister you are protected by Allah from haraam. Our own muslim people who are affected in civil wars they are begging for food and protection. What is your part and my part to help them.We should do more good deeds and connect ourself with Allah and make him as our friend,who will help us when we are in need, who will provide us ,who will respond us when we ask him. This way we should ask Allah for the protection and peace in muslims.
Dear sister, we all have responsibility towards ummah.If we back-off, just bcos we are fedup ,we wont able to face Allah and his Rasool on the day of Qiyamah. There are many people in this world who are gaining high status through their deeds in front of Allah.
My dear sister,may be this discussion is little long but i want to share few things .I had imagined the life of Ummul Mumin (Mother of all believers) that is wives of prophet Mohammed (PBUH). The closest prophet to Allah and the best human among all the humans is our Prophet Mohammed( PBUH). Can you imagine the life of hazrat Ayesha when she was only around 18 years and other wives.How tough it had been for them without Prophet mohammed (PBUH). He used to be the best for his wives.He loved his wives endlessly with all affection,mercy,passion etc etc. Even though he was busy by spreading the message of Allah to others but still he spent time with his wives .he used to smile and make them smile.He showed patience with them during tough time.Our mothers had so much patience when he passed away.Bcos they know the rewards for having sabr.
Throw away all the habits like music,movie,etc etc and learn islam ,learn quran and hadith.Teach others .
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Read the book Hayatus Sahabah by Moulana Yusuf (Rah) .It will make our imaan strong.Read Muntakab Ahadith by Moulana Yusuf (Rah) daily with your family members.You can read daily one hadith in each chapter.You can see the difference in your imaan. Taste of imaan would make us forget the misery of duniya.
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Jazakallah khairan for reading.
May Allah guide you.... Aameen
Asalam o alaikum brother. Your reply is probably the best as yet. I wanted to advise her but I am very happy to see your comment. Jazaka Allah. It helped me too as I was a bit down myself today. May Allah grant us all the will to have patience and give our hearts peace. Ameen
"Tase of imaan would make us forget the misery of duniya." MashAllah a beautiful thing you said bro.
Sabr is key in this life, even though it gets hard. Speaking as someone who used to be kufr, being outside of Islam makes a person lost without purpose, and forget sabr, forget even the meaning of love. And lonely...when you go home at night, or during the day, there is no Allah to talk to or listen to your complaints endlessly past the point of human caring. We must have sabr with our lives, and be thankful for what is here and now like health, safety, family support, opportunity, ect.
Sister.
You think going to party, drinking, and sex will make you happy? It's just an escape. You surround yourself with people to escape your lonliness even though it's temporary. People drink to get a high but are very very miserable after because if hangovers, and sex my dear is nice in a healthy marriage. But it can lead to a lot of terrible things. Allah said don't even get close to zina. Allah knows best why these things are bad for you and the rules are in place as a guidance.
You are comparing your life to other peoples. Looking at their Facebook marriage pictures and degrees and feeling sorry for yourself? No. Well stop it my dear, and stop this comparing disease that social media has made much much worse. You are not any other person, this is your life, so stop feeling sorry about it and take charge!
First of all, how amazing is your life, you are healthy, you are safe, no one is out to harm you,you have food everyday, you go to school, you are a very very privileged person. Please remember that.
Also, I understand when life just feels so pointless and boring,...you know what that means...,it means you have no purpose in life. You have no goals, no dreams, nothing to look forward too. You are like an aimless driver, just going for no point and no reason, you see other people drive by on their nice vacations, but you just seem to be doing circles. The point is, stop, park your car, take a deep breath, think about your life and what you want to accomplish and drive to your destination, do to be an aimless floating person. You only have a limited time on earth, so use it wisely.
You need to realize and ask yourself, what am I doing and why am I doing it? Our purpose my dear is to worship Allah, nd be the best self we can be. The rest, you can focus on finishing school, learning about Islam, volunteering since you have so much time to feel worth for yourself. Maybe volunteer at a food bank and see how people are hungry. Or at a hospital where people are sick, so you can see how amazing your life is.
And helping your mom is great my dear, it's a part of our faith to be good to your mom and siblings. You are getting a ton of good deeds. Every good is getting you closer to Jannah.
You are young, and your life is full of opportunities. Finish your school, be patient, marrige wis not a fairy tale where you meet a handsome prince and evrything is soo magical and wonderful. It's actually a bucket load of work, a lot of work, it's not a fantasy. So if you want to get married, find a good person and don't just jump into it thinking he will save you from your lonliness. Lonliness begins with you, you have to love yourself and be your best companion. You will die alone and be alone in your grave, your deeds and life are your....your parents and inshallah future spouse are just there temporarily for the ride. So be comfortable in your own skin, do not depend on others to be happy.
Most of all, I think sister you lack a purpose in life. Why are here? Why do you exist? You have some soul searching to do my dear, once you find that purpose and make goals, life will make a lot more sense. And please don't compare yourself to others, you have your own path, now go own it sister and take charge.
One of the best answer
Dear Sister,
I urge you not to partake in such activities - drinking, drugs and pre-marital sex bring huge amount of problems including depression & many others. And continue with the salat and the duas - they will strengthen you InshaAllah.
The most important thing is work on your heart and your perspective. I somewhat understand - I am over 25 and unmarried and I too have met people who have had pre-marital relationships and then got married and are now happy. Those thoughts do cross my mind sometime - maybe I should date. But you know what - I realise they are from shaytaan or my nafs and I accept them and they pass. And I remember that - so what if I'm not married so what if I don't have a job & I'm running out of money (true!)- that's not my ultimate goal - my ultimate goal is for Allah to be pleased with me.
So sweetheart, if you ever do feel such feelings again - that you're tired of "being the good girl" - I want you to do the following:
1) Stop, breathe
2) Notice your feelings/thoughts - just accept them
3) Say to yourself "so what if .... (insert applicable situation)
4) Tell yourself "I want Allah to be pleased with me"
Conversely (on the other side) I'll give you an example of the good. I went away recently - I had a whale of a time (within halal boundaries) studied lots, toured the cities, made lots of (girl) friends, stayed with etc, Alhumdulilah - it was fun and amazing. But I was missing something - because I hadn't continued nurturing my relationship with Allah. And that was the halal.
So dunya (even the halal) won't make you happy if you don't have a relationship with Allah.
And dunya (the haraam) will make you sad - even if you see people appearing to be happy on the outside. And it'll lead to hell.
And having a close relationship to Allah will give you contentment whether you have the dunya or not.
And when you trust Him and are thankful He gives you more and more anyway.
What's the common denominator here? The best thing?
Work on your relationship with Allah. Not just fasting lots, or praying lots - actually work on making that the most important thing!
And do the good to please Allah alone, expecting reward from Him in the next life - and it'll get easier - and you'll see the fruit of it eventually, it will multiply just like a seed grows into a plant and thrives into a green beautiful tree.
Water your heart with remembrance of Allah. Don't do it to get a husband, don't do it to stop feeling "stuck," don't do it to get your parents to approve of you. Do it to please Allah. ONLY
So what if you think failed in the past? - Make lots of tawbah and resolve to turn back to Him.
As you begin to adopt this mindset, you'll notice you start to feel calmer and more at peace with yourself and those around you. You focus on your deen, and you're more content with dunya. And lets face it if you're more content and happier, things are more likely to come your way as you're open to them.
Also read Qur'an every day - with the english ttranslation and ponder the meaning!!! It makes a huge difference.
Fi EmanAllah
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamoalekm !! My brothers and sisters...
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Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
You must learn to be content, then you may flourish. If you do all these helpful things and harbor resentment within yourself, then you have invited the one eyed serpent into your heart. If you ever need to speak, I will lend you my ear.
Dear Child;
Most of the answers posted here are very helpful, Masha Allah, but the one posted by Sara really touched my heart. You should definitely follow her advise which would be more helpful for you. Sister don't think for a minute that you are a burden, in fact you should feel blessed for having been born to Muslim parents. All those people who are enjoying wealth, marriage & happy life, etc are in fact far away from the real purpose of being in this dunya, where as your feelings of remorse means that ALLAH Swt wants you to get closer to Him.
Consider this as life's one phase and it will pass if you continue to struggle with courage and not feeling depressed. Your ultimate aim should be to please ALLAH Swt. Always bring JANNAH to your mind and think for a moment what people like you would be enjoying for eternity.
May ALLAH Swt keep you on the straight path. Ameen
Javed
Sister Asslam Alaikum. I also grew up in a western country where my Muslim friends were going out, dating, and having sex. Although I wore no hijab, I knew what they were doing was wrong. I had no boyfriend, no friends, never went to a party. I was so lonely and I thought having a boyfriend would take the loneliness away. My parents were also always finghting so coming home did not bring me peace. Then I put my hopes on marriage. I had an album with a picture of an older couple walking through a foggy autumn forest and that was how I thought my marriage would be. I stayed good and got married. My marriage is the biggest mistake of my life. I have been married 23 years. I did not marry rich, handsome or educated. I did not dream of jewels and big houses. I dreamt of that forest and a loving hand to hold. I never got any peace from my marraige. I am glad that I did not do any of the sins you talk about although I wanted to. I can still say that I deserve paradise.I always tell myself that Allah sees my loneliness and unhappiness and raises my levels in Jannah. Please don`t indulge in anything bad. It will not bring you happiness. Marraige might not either. Just continue to live Islamically and alwasys hope for the best. Allah knows all and sees all. Allah loves you and will reward you for your suffering and good choices. I feel your pain. Hugs.