Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m too old for marriage and children… What’s left for me?

Lonely woman walking alone on the beach

Help me!! I no longer get proposals as I am way too old and when I was young my father was not happy with any of the proposals coming our way. My father was very physically abusive with me. He would beat me and destroy my self-esteem well into my 20's, he would break my fingers, beat me so bad my scalp would crack requiring stitches and lots of medical attention. At my fathers hands I underwent surgeries and other procedures due to his beatings.

Then I got older and I stopped getting proposals. Then my father kicked me out and now I live in my own. I am now way too old ... Never got a spouse or a child. My father did not help me when I was young to marry. Now I live a lonely depressed life and I will die that way too ... What's left for me? What did I do so I was not granted a good spouse or children of my own??

I've been single my entire life (it has not been a easy life) and now I'm way too old to even have children. What's going to happen to me? I prayed that I would marry and become a mother before 35 as it didn't happen in my twenties even though I prayed and prayed. Now I'm past 35 and I still never got my duas answered. I don't pray for it anymore as I do not want it now it's too late and humiliating to get married now and biologically I cannot become a mother.  It's way too late. How do I deal with this life. Because all I do is sleep and cry all day and no one phones me or calls me.

The mothers in the community use me as an example to allow their daughters to marry non- Muslims because they say they don't want their children to end up all alone and way too old like me?! So Id be interested in not all this positive stuff but what happens to me in this not positive situation? Do I just sleep, cry and pass along my days? Not interested in volunteering or anything, not interested in going to work or anything. This sadness consumes me!!!! . I wanted to be a wife and a mother!

Rizzi

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16 Responses »

  1. I know exactly what you going though, your not alone if its meant to be its meant to be. I too never thought I still be single let alone wanting a family so badly like you. This is out of our hands and its not something you can control and snap your fingers. It takes time and the reality is there are not that many people who want commitment or who are honest. Don't beat yourself up be positive and have a good positive outlook in life. The asain community does not help at all but you have to switch off from all the negativity. Answer to Allah, (god will show you) not people as my mum says. Married couples as well as some men/women are known to starting family late now so there is always a chance to become a mother/father passed 35.

    • Also whats halaal is HALLAL. Whats haraam is HARAAM. I personally would not advise anyone to mix with non muslims or even marry such a person. Whats forbidden is forbidden regardless of the situation.

  2. Where are you from Rizzi? UK?

  3. I feel that thing now a days too.
    But the things you think will destroy you from the inner. Just try to make friends and try to indulge yourself into new things try different things like exercise is the best option for you to relax your mind. And don't think too much or I would say don't think either about the things who makes you tensed.
    Good and bad lucks are all happening to everyone. Everyone has issues. So see others how they are living and hiding their own sadness inside them and not showing to others.
    And talking about marriage, its not in your or your father's hand its in Almighty Allah's hand. He decides when you marry and whom you marry. Just enjoy your life as it is going.
    I talked before that exercise is the best option to relax your self it seriously releases your tension.
    And love yourself, love yourself at what you are.
    I am a man so i can't give you advice to talk to me to relax yourself if you are a male too then definitely I will talk to you and try to release your stress.
    So please try these things I told you and please don't think too much.

  4. Why don't you want to volunteer in the community? Motherhood is not the only thing in life. I understand the natural desire to be a mother and wife, but if that's not what Allah has written for you in this life, why don't you direct your energies elsewhere? If you like children you could help out at local schools or orphanages for example. I strongly encourage you to immerse yourself in your interests and help your community. If you find you cannot muster the energy to get involved, you may be depressed. This could be the result of the years of abuse you endured. Perhaps counselling can help you find the joy and beauty in your life.

    Also, just as you are a woman with no child, there are many children in the world without mothers. Look into the rules of adoption in your country, it may be possible for you to adopt a child even as a single woman. This could give you the outlet for motherhood you crave while at the same time you would give an unfortunate child the home he or she so desperately needs.

  5. Assalam alaikum
    look for the reason of ur existence
    Wife n family r being part of life
    u have no family and u have no test in form of family as Allah says ...u r free to choose the way to serve only Allah. .n Allah will give u better place to live ...n a better spouse in a Jannah n live this life for only Allah. Marriage is a sunnah n not fardh n so u r still there to fulfill all of the fardh ...We will all pray for u

  6. I am so sad your feeling this way. I am sorry for the horrible abuse your father put you through. Do you still live with your abusive father? If you do I would suggest you get out to a safe shelter or with a safe friend. You can never feel better if your living with abuse. You can have a good life on your own. Do not just sleep ,go to college if you can and get and education. Start working in a job you find interesting and become independent if you are not. Girls are not educated properly. Do not just wait for some man to make you happy. It will not happen. Do what you love. Depend totally on Allah and pray often and develop your relationship with the creator. Make this your most important priority. Because you have been abused the chances are that if you do marry you will marry an abusive man or put up with abuse. Go to counseling and get some help for the trauma you have suffered from your father's abuse. Abuse has strong effects and can affect how you feel inside. You need to feel better about yourself otherwise you will let others abuse you. It is not too late for marriage. There are older men out there who would love a sensitive and intelligent woman. But there are also a lot of bad men especially now days so you have to get stronger and get a good sense of your worth to Allah. At the right time if it is meant for you marriage with a good person will happen but also its ok if it does not. But I know as people are not meant to be alone how sad you feel. But do not give up. Create a life with a lot of good deeds to Allah. We can not waste the time we have here in this world. Are you in a western country? If so there is plenty of help. If your in the Asian community you just need to be stronger and live by the ethics of the Quran and not the culture.
    Your father will be punished by Allah for his abuse to you and he has lost his rights as a father for abusing you. Children also have rights in Islam. You have suffered a lot sister and its time to rebuild your life. You can make a good life for yourself with or without marriage. Depend on Allah first. Get some help from a counselor who understand s abuse to help you feel better about yourself. Be gentle with yourself as you are a survivor.

  7. Assalam Alikum Sister!

    Sister, I feel sorry for you. But believe me don't loose hope. You will get someone in your life. Allah has planned everything for you. You will get it when it's right time for you. And about abusive father, don't think that you are alone in that. Everyone has such story. If I had told you mine it would bring tears in your eyes. So be thankful to Allah whatever he has bestowed you with.
    Secondly how can you say you cannot become mother! This is not something which a human can decide. Have you forgotten the story of Abrahim (A.S.) His wife was I think more than 80 or 70 when she was bestowed with "Ishaq" (A.S.). Never loose hope in the mercy of Allah. And even if you don't get something in this life, for sure there's a great reward waiting for you in hereafter.
    I would also ask you to go out and mix with other sisters. Attend seminars or congregational prayers with other sisters. I know its really difficult to find a spouse, but read other stories on this forum. It's better to live alone than to end up with someone who doesn't value or admire you. Rest is in the hands of Allah.

  8. What is our purpose in life? To marry and have children? NO, No, No. Our purpose is to worship Him alone. It translates to me that one should remember our Creator, Allah, all the time no matter what situation we are in. Live with dignity even you are single regardless you are a muslim or non muslim. Life is more than being a mother or a wife. What you have and you did not aware is your time. Time is precious and one cannot even trade with you. You have time that other married women or mothers that cannot have. The more you sink yourself to the pit of unhappiness because you are single, the more you feel depressed. Life is how you choose to live with AND not the others or the society to tell you what it should be. There are some good articles in some Islamic site and non islamic site talking about "singlehood", research and read it.

    Involve yourself in the community, learn a skill, get a degree, be a volunteer, pick up a sport. Who knows, you may meet someone you like.Be yourself, enrich yourself, educate yourself in this life and hereafter. Noone want to sit next to a grumpy bored and old woman. It is quite interesting that chances will come when you are completely let go.

    I know it is hard to deal with loneliness as I have quite many friends mostly non muslim who are living their life as a single woman, however, they live their life in full. They help their young women in the Church, study for another degree or master, actively involve in community services, and on and on. Help around in your family, take care your nieces as they are yours, take care and visit the the elders, the orphans, the needy in the community. Inshallah, I am not saying you will get one or you will not get one but upkeep a positive / happy life will make you feel grateful. Also say Alhumduallah all the time that will remind us how much Allah has given and blesses us. Take care.

    • Women don't desire intimacy and motherhood because it is the purpose of life. We desire it because it is something existential. It is NOT in conflict with worship.

      Your suggestions though are perfectly valid, although I will say this: while it is important to volunteer, work, learn new skills, learn new hobbies, and take care of the elderly, these things are only temporary. Eventually, the desire for marriage and motherhood will creep back into your soul. When I was in my mid-30s and realized marriage and motherhood was not achievable, I too immersed myself in these things. The timing coincided with my parents getting older and more dependent on me. Now that I'm in my 40s, I can't say that it's bern a picnic. I still volunteer and my parents are much older. When my friends have babies or my co-workers get married, I don't sit back and think " oh I'm so lucky I volunteer and care for demanding parents and work hard to pay my bills". I still wish I had gotten married and had children. But like the OP recognizes, after a certain age it is very unusual for muslim women to marry. Many of my non muslim friend and colleagues married in their late 30s and 40s, and some had children too. But that scenario is almost non existent for muslim women.

      So I'm not sure if the long term solution is to volunteer and care for the sick and elderly. It's more of a short term solution. I don't know what the long term solution is....maybe we need to consider marriage to non muslim men, especially in this climate where so many muslim men are no longer available because they date non Muslim girls. Or we can learn to be happy alone.

      • Precious Star,

        I agree with all you have said apart from your last piece of advice. How can marriage to a non muslim man ever be a possible solution when we know this is totally forbidden in Islam? We can only try to achieve things in life. If they don't come our way, then that's our test - despite it being very difficult.

        As blunt as it may sound, a muslim woman marrying a non muslim man would be equivalent to committing zina, as the 'marriage' would not be recognised Islamically.

        I understand the difficulties associated with finding marriage partners. And I totally know how emotionally draining it all is, but we do need to keep reminding ourselves and each other of the bigger picture by putting our priorities into perspective. At the end, we are all returning to Allah.

        SisterZ
        Islamicanswers.com

        • It wasn't advice, it was voicing a solution to the need for marriage amongst muslim women who are older than 35 and older than 40. I know the instinctual response is to say "haraam! haraam! haraam!", but there is another approach, too: to suggest solutions that are not haraam. When non muslims say to me that i should find a companion, I don't respond by saying " oh I'm an older muslim woman and for us singledom is a test". Instead, I agree with them but I'm at a loss for a response or solution.

          So I do appreciate that you pointed out the sinful aspect of my comment but I also think there is an enormous reluctance to focus on finding solutions to the problem beyond matrimonial websites. I think the latter may have been more constructive.

          • Precious Star, I fully understand the difficulties. But I did offer some possible solutions. Sometimes even when we try to the best of our abilities, we still don't get the desired outcome. That doesn't justify offering a solution that is not acceptable within our belief system. And the truth is that while a person is single, being single is a test. Likewise, when a person is married, it is also a test, because many unexpected challenges or even difficulties can arise. Our every state is a test.

            SisterZ

          • Salam Precious Star,
            I have read some of your older posts about your woe of not finding a suitable marriage partner. But I want to tell you to not forsake your dua and your efforts. One of my dearest friends from Jordan married at 50 years and has ma sha Allah 5 step children to take care of. She is the sweetest person and she carries on working and teaching Arabic and Quran to those in need, even though the kids are very difficult.
            I don't know where you live, but maybe you should step out of your community and look into online marriage sites, etc, where there are many men looking for a spouse. In addition, you might want to see if you can perform an umrah...there are many many blessings (barakat) sent down on those who visit Allah swt's house, and that might be what you need 🙂
            I have had some health problems and am young. I admire your patience and perserverence in the deen. I really hope you find someone very very soon iA.

  9. Hi,
    Please don't be depressed.Some things are beyond our control.Why not you adopt a kid?
    This will make you busy up to some extent.May God bless you.

  10. Dear Rizzi, Asalaamualaykum,

    I am sorry you are feeling so low. Life does not always turn out the way we want, does it. Your family life while you were growing up sounds very disturbing and I feel that your self esteem has been crushed because of it. Please consider getting some professional counselling.

    With regards to marriage and children, I understand your pain. But I think that maybe your situation is not as bleak as you are actually feeling in your mind. Of course it is natural for every woman to want to be in a relationship and to experience motherhood. And yes, it is usually much easier to 'get married' and 'have children' when one is younger. This does not mean however, that a maturer person cannot get married and have a happy family life. I know examples of many women who have married later in life - including myself. I married at 37. I do not have any children yet, if I am meant to become a mother though, Insha'Allah I will.

    You mentioned that you are past 35, so I do not know your exact age. The point is, whatever age you are, there will no doubt be a man looking for a wife in that age group. And unless you have started your menopause, you may still be able to have your own children, there are plenty of medical options. If a couple cannot have children, there are other options available like adoption, fostering, etc.

    The most important thing though is your self esteem and attitude. I want you to live your life, start socializing, go to some muslim marriage events, take up hobbies, learn your deen, go to classes, join a gym, keep fit, eat healthy, travel, see the world - its full of amazing things and amazing people. And bingo - when you are finally enjoying life and not just thinking 'marriage' and 'babies', you will more likely find someone to share your life with. That person may be someone who has never married before, or it may be a divorcee or a widower, a revert and they may have children from a previous marriage, or they may not. Whatever the case, keep your mind open.

    As for women in the community, let their gossip go through one ear and out the other into the trash can. You have more important things to work on like beginning to enjoy and live your life.

    Along side all this, make sincere and hearty dua to Allah(swt) to grant you with a spouse and offspring who are good for you in this life and the next. Remember, if you do nothing, nothing will definitely happen. So come on - L.I.V.E.

    Hugs,

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com

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