I’m very upset about my husband’s behaviour
Hi
I am very stressed and disappointed about my husband's behaviour with me. He is very mean, rude, unloving, irresponsible, cruel, and controlling husband, he wants everything his own way. He is never interested in me and never cares about me or loves me. He asks me to pay for each money when we go out, which husband asks their wife to pay on their own for food or anything else when they are going out? He doesn't care about my feelings and he doesn't provide any financial support to me at all, he doesn't give me any pocket money and when I buy something from my own money he tells me not to spend my own money either. Why is my husband so uncaring irresponsible and unloving? He just takes benefits from me.
I don't want divorce. I just want my husband to become good caring loving for me. How to manage my husband? Is it wise to stay with my husband and pray for him to get better and caring, loving husband for me or is it wise to take divorce and move on?
simplegirl
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Sister,
It appears your husband lacks the understanding of what a husband should provide as the head of his family. Your money is in fact, your money and you can spend it as you will. Your husband does not control your money...ever. I don't know how long you have been married but I would strongly advise you to speak with your father for advice in this matter. No one wants to be married to a spinster let alone someone who is mean, rude, unloving, irresponsible, cruel, and controlling. That is not a marriage, that is a tragedy.
Salam
Assalaamu Alaykum,
You are saying basically that you don't want a divorce, you just want your husband to change. My logical question is, was he different before? Do you want him to change back to who you knew him to be when you married him, or do you want him to change into someone better than he ever was?
If he used to be more caring and responsible, that's a good sign. It means he is capable of acting differently than the way he is now. It's important that you clearly communicate to him what you want from him. Men don't really do well with indirect communication or dropping hints. Often we women get upset or emotionally demonstrative, thinking this will clue him in that something is wrong and that he will take the initiative trying to find out what it is to solve it. This is a very roundabout way of problem solving, and men don't like it or get it.
Tell him clearly, "I want you to pay for my meals, I want you to ask me how I'm doing a few times a week (or every day, or whatever it is that you would like), I want you to stop asking me to spend for myself and you buy these things instead, and I want you to give me some spending pocket money from time to time". After you've told him what you want, and he starts asking why the changes, then you can explain clearly, "when you don't ask about me I feel unimportant to you. When you ask me to spend for myself I feel like I don't have enough worth for you to take care of me properly. When you act controlling I feel like you don't value me" ETC.
Now, if he was never caring or concerned before, and you want him to just change into someone else, chances are it won't happen. People don't usually do a complete transformation like that unless they deal with a very life altering circumstance.
You mentioned your husband being rude, cruel, and controlling. Personally I think this takes things to another level. This is the type of behavior that can be classified as abusive. No one deserves to be abused. Abusive people are less likely to change than the average person. So perhaps, in your case, focusing on how your husband can or should change is not the right one. Maybe it's better to focus on what you can actually control and change. And yes, unfortunately, that would be evaluating whether or not you want to continue in such a relationship.
It's human nature to hope and wish that our external problems solved themselves so that we can have an easier time of things. It's natural to hope that people who are treating us wrongly will change, so that we don't have to keep enduring maltreatment. But in most cases, we have to do the changing to see the outcomes we long for. Yes, it's challenging and even painful, but in the end the reward is worthwhile.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
very accurate answer
Dear Simple girl,
It is not clear that whether your husband was good befor or not, and ehether your are newly married or not.
Anyway I am agreeing that it is very defficult to change him if he is like that from the begining.
Best option I can suggest is to have a counselling with a family couneller or a psychiatrist.I dont know whether it is possible if he is rude.
Then other option is to make him advised by some he respect.In this case also you have to be very carefull seeking others help.It can make him more angry.
As the above option have its own risk and if your unable to try those then you can try your own.If he was good in any stage of your life it is easy to bring him back.
Anyway if you are finacially good to manage your expences forget the money matter in first stage,First make him a good human and a loving husband then money matter will automatically solve.
Think and try to find the reason why he is like this,what is his behavior from childwood, and towards others.
if he is like this to all and from child wood then it will a psychological issue.
If it only towards you, you can change him.Find what he is expecting from you and what is missing from your side.Try to be frendly and romatic with him. Initially you have to tollerate his reactions.Love him,express your love.Give him better care and better sex life this will change him if there is small drop of goodness left in his heart.
Try your luck
If you need proper advices from our frends i think you have to provide more details such as age, his behaviour changes,is there any bad habits, economical status, attitude towards kids etc
he doesnt have proper job and is looking for good one according to his career related job...i am wondering is it because of stress he is behaving this way?because sometimes he is really nice and tells me that once he gets a nice job, everything will be good and he wont have any stress because of job...he doesnt talk to me for one week or pick up my calls or calls me if he is mad at me...he doesnt come home for many days if he is mad at something...i feel very bad when he doesnt talk to me for days or doesnt come home for days.....i am just so tired of his this behavior...i dont know if i should keep being in this marriage or not?
he has good education and he is really worried about when he will get his professional job but i feel very bad whenever he behaves this way with me...i want my husband to be with me all times and love me care about me but he doesnt most of the times...is divorce the best option for this? i ddont want divorce..please give me suggestions..thanks
please share ur views
thanks
AS SALAMU ALAYKUM Sister,
I was just using my wife's computer with all her permission. So I saw this web site and i got little upset about your comment.
But there were so many advises, most of them says that if your husband is behaving wired since the beginning then it is hard to change him,,,,, it is not correct..
there are plenty of ways to correct him and change him..
You can live a better life with your husband IN SHA ALLAH.
first thing is you should pray
second communicate properly ( while having some sweets with your husband)
3rd If you need love, then love him more..
4th Always husband is the leader of your house or your family.. so before you go out or do a special thing, get permission from him..
Most importantly tell him how much you love him,, and that you are ready to sacrifice your worldy things for him.. (but be honest and do not lie)
all the above things should be within the religious limitations.
Hope you have got a clue.
Thank you
Wish you for a better future