Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m very worried


Now what...?

Salam Alkm, this is very tough but I believe Insha Allah I will get the necessary guidance I need. First of all, I’ve not done what is right. I have a Christian girlfriend who supported me over the years before now. Alhamdulillah I’m doing very ok financially. We got into each other and we loved each other soo much. I’ve made it clear to her that for anything very serious like Marriage should every happen, she has to accept Islam as her faith. She asked me it to force her so now we often listen to sermons and also read some important Islamic books together. Gradually hopefully Allah will love her to make her accept Islam. Long and short of the issue is that, she’s pregnant for me now and I can’t entertain any termination. I actually asked her to keep the baby which she has agreed. My parent are not aware of it yet. Just the two of us. I really don’t know what to do but I’m putting my trust in Allah. I know I’ve committed a sin and now I’m asking for forgiveness everyday. I pray Allah forgives me and guides me to the right path insha Allah. Please what’s the best thing for us to do right now because she is keeping the pregnancy. Thank you.

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19 Responses »

  1. Well that's just great.

  2. Why on earth do you insist that she has to be a Muslim before you can marry her? You're allowed to marry Christians, you can work on making her into a Muslim whilst youre in the marriage. Meanwhile the baby is on the way, so you can't really wait around for her to become a Muslim, you need to marry her now. Whatever you do, don't be tempted to abort the baby. You will be committing murder and all the punishment that goes with it.

  3. Salaams. Marry the woman who supported you "for years".

    Why are you writing in the first place? Do you want someone here to justify you not marrying the woman who is having your child? Not here, brother. If so, you made the wrong turn to "I Need Some Islamic Help to Get Me Out of This." I am still shaking my head. And counting my blessings no son of mine would ever tell me such horrible things. [But I would have said something years ago.]

    If your girlfriend does keep her baby, the first thing I will advise you is to stop being a selfish arrogant boychild and grow up. Caring for a child requires maturity and selflessness. And you are seriously lacking in those areas.

    This is the information/scenario you have presented:

    You have a girlfriend that you are sexually active with, but you want her to be Muslim. Hint: Reading Islamic literature while having an unIslamic sexual relationship is not the way to convince a woman to accept Islam, be your wife and obey you. Hah! And years from now you criticize something she does and you expect her to say "Yes husband."

    Your parents don't know about the pregnancy. Does that mean they think you are not having sex? How is it that your parents were okay or happy when the non-Muslim lady supported you and was having sex with you, but now it could be problem. Have you been honest with your parents. Have you been honest with the mother of your unborn child. Have you been honest with the forum members at this site who you are asking advice? I don't think so.

    You state that terminating the pregnancy is not a consideration for you. However, you are not pregnant. It really is not up to you.

    Your girlfriend supported you for years. You are now doing well financially. Exactly when were you planning on getting married? I suppose you never were. Possibly using religious differences as an excuse to not marry her years ago.

    There is the possibility that the woman you are involved with will realize the garbage you have been telling her for years, have her baby and require child support from you, along with the possibility that another man will raise your child. There is the possibility that your girlfriend who supported you "for years" will marry another man and dislike Muslims in general because the father of her child who wanted her to be Muslim treated her with such hypocrisy and arrogance. Your child might grow up only believing that Muslim men are not to be trusted, because they will have first hand knowledge and experience. While I hope this does not happen, you have already created conditions for this to take place.

    In the event you marry a Muslim woman, please make sure she understands that you were sexually involved for years with a non-Muslim woman and be fair in your expectations for any other woman are not hypocritical in that she must be virginal, never married, with no children.

    Shame. Shame. Shame.

  4. you can only marry Christian or Jewish women if they are chaste, its right in the Quran

    idk why people abuse the concession to marry ahl al kitab by ignoring the part of the verse about chastity and sometimes even marrying atheists or agnostics under the guise of them being "Christian'

    a true Christian would value keeping chaste

    this woman is not chaste so needs to become muslim before marriage and the child needs to be raised muslim

    do tauba and take her to a mosque, put her in touch with muslim women to teach her about islam, ask her to accept it and marry you

    do much tauba and dua

    you need to discuss with a scholar not people on this site who are ignorant of the Quran and islamic rulings and make up things to follow their own desires like the above 2 posters

    • In response to P

      You're a disgrace!

      IS HE CHASTE? Why should being chaste only apply to women?

      Typical clueless and hypocritical behaviour!

      • Oh dear, my fellow Muslim, I understand we all make mistakes as we are human , but persistence in a mistake, definitely leads us into more and more trouble, as your situation clearly proves.
        You know you have committed a sin, now you need to do the right thing get married and ask Allah( swt) to forgive you.
        Have the decency to inform your parents as no man keeps this kind of secret -only disrespectful boys do that! And to be quite frank if I was your 'girlfriend' which inshallah I would never be that to anyone as marriage is a must first and foremost but im using this as an example that if I was , I would be disgusted that you were keeping me as a secret. How awful !-what example are you setting to your new family?.
        Mend your ways Brother, follow the guidelines of the Quran and follow the example set by our beloved Prophet peace be upon him , be honourable honest and upright in character !
        Repent! Ask for forgiveness! Inform your family be a man !! And get married !!!!! Follow your religion not your desires.
        May Allah (swt) grant you understanding of our beautiful religion.

  5. Brother you have a bigger issue than this pregnancy. Your biggest problem is the fact that your heart and soul is not spiritually connected to islam, that is why you find yourself doing contradicting things such as having a girlfriend whilst listening to quranic lectures, asking one to become Muslim and yet you are not a practicing one yourself. Before you want to help others , deal with your own issues first then help others.

  6. @hussain

    no he did a big sin
    both genders are supposed to be chaste
    im sure you know that

    however I'm just saying WHAT THE QURAN SAYS
    try reading it

    so you are calling what the Quran says a disgace clueless and hypocritical
    are you not muslim

    FEAR Allah
    it is also a big sin to mock what the Quran says and to make fun of those who are speaking by it
    this could take you out of islam and might be considered kufr

    • And allow the "fornicators to marry fornicators". Clearly this marriage can take place as they have both committed the same sin.
      Brother you need to follow your religion from now on instead of your desires.
      Follow our beloved prophet peace be upon him and act in a honest upright manner by INFORMING your parents how digusting that you have kept this a secret.
      1) repent to Allah (swt)
      2) inform your parents!!!!
      3) have a small nikah as that is most loved in the eyes of Allah (swt) to have a small wedding and In Sha Allah he will bestow you with countless blessings.
      A lot of us state we are Muslims yet we do not even know how to read Quran ! Nor do we follow the guidelines prescribed by the Almighty!
      May Allah (swt) grant us understanding in our beautiful religion.
      May Allah (swt) guide us to read Quran in order that we know how to behave.
      Ameen .
      Being a Muslim is much more than stating it!

    • No, I am saying you're a disgrace as you have failed to understand the Quran and have applied the verse unfairly:

      Surah an-Nur Ayah 26

      Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honorable.

      As both of them are unchaste there is no reason why the woman has to do anything more than the man poster.

      You apply a different standard to the woman when the man himself is impure.

      • @hussein

        iyou are the one denying what the verse clearly says
        I am not applying any standard to anybody
        just saying what the Quran says
        if you want to deny the Quran its up to you
        and you have no right to attack me even if you disagree
        that is also not allowed in islam and a sin
        i will encouage you to FEAR ALLAH and get help for your anger issues
        if you have any more nasty things to say your punishment is with Allah

      • @hussein
        do you thin you know more than Ibn Kathir and the sheiks at islamqa
        or do you dare to call them a disgrace

        the condition of chastity is in the Quran I challenge you to find even one schlar that says differently

        you are the one applying verses wrongly the verse in sura Nur does not change this ruling
        bring your scholarly proof if you think it does

        I am not here to fight with you
        I wasted time showing the verse and linking the schoarly ruling which is based on Tafsir Ibn Kathir

        if you want to deny and twist verses of Quran and go against what scholars have said its between you and Allah

        as for the nasty things you said to me realize you will have to pay me back for wronging me on the Day of Judgement

        • Ok.

          Basics in Quran interpretation:

          The verse you quoted says you can marry chaste christian women - the assumption here is that you too are a chaste man, something you fail to understand.

          Why is it assumed that you are a chaste man? Because we know Allah is not a hypocrite, he would not be suggesting an un unchaste muslim man is somehow fit for a chaste christian woman or that morality applies more to women than men.

          Now, this is clarified by the verse I quoted from Surah an-Nur Ayah 26 which makes clear that chaste men are for chaste women and unchaste men are for unchaste women.

          Now we come onto the question at issue here, whether an unchaste muslim man can marry an unchaste christian woman. We know from your verse that it is permitted for chaste muslim men to marry chaste christian women. We know that it is permissible for muslim men to marry christian women, so the question is can an unchaste muslim man marry an unchaste christian woman? Allah confirms in Surah an-Nur Ayah 26 that the unchaste are to marry the unchaste, so is the permission to marry christians only applicable to chaste christian women? The answer is no, because Allah says the unchaste can marry the unchaste. The permission given in the verse you quoted assumes the Muslim man is also chaste - which does not apply in our scenario.

          Your interpretation makes Allah into a hypocrite because you assume the condition of chastity does not apply to muslim men or men in general whereas Allah makes it clear that it does -but you choose to ignore it.

          And please do not make meaningless references to scholars without quoting them and explaining their reasoning.

  7. for those who would rather remain jahil than take the time to actually pick up the Quran and find the verse i cut and pasted it for you though the arabic part didnt seem to paste properly

    ﯚ ﯛ ﯜ ﯝ ﯞﯟ ﯠ ﯡ ﯢ ﯣ ﯤ ﯥ ﯦ ﯧ ﯨﯩ ﯪ ﯫ ﯬ ﯭ ﯮ ﯯ ﯰ ﯱ ﯲ ﯳ ﯴ ﯵ ﯶ ﯷ ﯸ ﯹ ﯺ ﯻ ﯼﯽ ﯾ ﯿ ﰀ ﰁ ﰂ ﰃ ﰄ ﰅ ﰆ ﰇ ﰈ

    This day [all] good foods have been made lawful, and the food of those who were given the Scripture is lawful for you and your food is lawful for them. And [lawful in marriage are] chaste women from among the believers and chaste women from among those who were given the Scripture before you, when you have given them their due compensation, desiring chastity, not unlawful sexual intercourse or taking [secret] lovers. And whoever denies the faith - his work has become worthless, and he, in the Hereafter, will be among the losers.

  8. Dear Brother, Assalamualaikum. I am glad to hear that you are repentant of the sin that you committed. Don't despair of Allah's mercy, and turn to Him. He will surely forgive you, inshAllah.

    But having an extramarital relationship in Islam is not allowed by any means. So you should immediately cut off all contact with the woman. Regarding the issue of marriage to her, you need to contact Islamic scholars who have proper knowledge in this domain. This is a very bad place to ask for Islamic advice. Most people here are ignorant of the teachings of Quran and Hadith, and will advise you of what their own feelings tell them. Don't be guilt tripped into marrying the woman just because you feel you are responsible for her since you impregnated her. She was a free woman. She chose to be in this relationship as well.

    I have found islamqa a good website where proper scholars give you advice about your problem. I urge you to contact them. Infact, you might already find someone's issue related to your own.


    • Assalaamualaikum

      How can it be good Islamic advice to encourage someone to abandon their responsibilities?

      If you disagree with advice given, you are welcome to express your viewpoint, but statements like "this is a very bad place to ask for Islamic advice" are not constructive. Please refrain from such comments in the future.

      Midnightmoon Editor

    • Funny how you too are giving advice without any scholarly knowledge. So you would rather he abandons her as she knew what she was doing? Did he not know what he was doing? Isn't he also responsible? The hypocrisy is mind boggling! Are muslims allowed to encourage hypocrisy?

    • TysonGranger: Regarding the issue of marriage to her, you need to contact Islamic scholars who have proper knowledge in this domain. This is a very bad place to ask for Islamic advice. Most people here are ignorant of the teachings of Quran and Hadith, and will advise you of what their own feelings tell them. Don't be guilt tripped into marrying the woman just because you feel you are responsible for her since you impregnated her. She was a free woman. She chose to be in this relationship as well.

      What is Sharia punishment for this sin? What is repsonsibility of this man to this child according to Sharia?

  9. Assalaamualaikum

    You have made several mistakes in your actions, which I hope you now realise. Premarital relationships are not acceptable in Islam, sex outside of marriage is not acceptable in Islam, and there is provision in the Qur'an for a Muslim man to marry a Christian woman. You have committed several sins, for which you will need to make tawbah. Remember that Allah is Most Merciful, so inshaAllah there is still time for you to repent, change your behaviour from this point on, and be forgiven.

    What you need to do now is to decide what you want to do. Do you want to marry the mother of your child and raise this baby as a family? Do you want to end your relationship with her but still be part of your child's life? Do you want to cut all contact and have no part in their lives?

    Islam teaches that we should not shy away from our responsibilities, so the third option above clearly isn't in accordance with this.

    If you want to be with your girlfriend, then you will need to make your relationship with her halal - that is, you need to marry her (assuming she wants to marry you). Until you have married her, you will also need to ensure you observe appropriate Islamic limits in your interactions with her. This doesn't mean no contact, but it means contact should not be without a purpose and should not be outwith the presence of a responsible chaperone. You will need to tell her parents and yours, and hope that she accepts your proposal. Oh, and I would advise not trying to conceal the fact that the two of you are expecting a child - the truth will come out when the baby is born, as most people who have seen a baby will be able to tell the difference between a full-term baby and a premature baby.

    If you decide that you don't want to marry your girlfriend, then you will need to end your romantic relationship with her. However, as the mother of your child, she will remain a part of your life long-term, and you will still need to tell your parents the truth - there will be child support to pay, visits to arrange to ensure your child still knows his or her father, they are going to be grandparents...! This isn't something you can keep secret, and you will need to fulfill your obligations to your child and his or her mother.

    Midnightmoon editor

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