Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m willing to convert to Islam for ‘us’, but his parents will not accept me because I am ‘white’!

There is no place for racism in Islam


I have been with my Muslim boyfriend for 2 years now. Although not a very long time, we are both very happy with one another and often talk about our life together in the future. I'm a white, non-muslim woman and he is a Pakistani Muslim. I've been warned about mixed race relationships, but I honestly have no idea what the fuss is about as I've been very happy with him and he treats me like an absolute Princess.

Sadly, his parents do not know of our relationship. Nor would they approve of it. We now face the tough problem of what we are to do if we wish to progress in a future together. I'm more than willing to learn the ways of Islam and would be more than happy to convert and live life as a white Muslim woman and if we are to progress in life, to bring our children up as Muslim also. However, I feel the real problem lies with my skin colour. Something I cannot change.

I have told him many times before that I would never do anything to come between him and his family, and I would never ask him to choose between me or them. I completely respect and love my family, but I know they'd be saddened to see me convert to Muslim so that I may lead a long and happy life with the man I love, only to be rejected because although I lead the same life they do, I am not of the same skin colour. I find this very unfair because the colour of my skin does not mean that I am no better than any other Asian woman. It seems that because I am white, I would not be a good enough wife, mother or daughter-in-law to have in the family.

I was lead to believe that Allah saw us all as equals yet I'm being frowned upon because I was born a white female, with no religion. I have never had a religion forced upon me, so I have just lead my life as it came. Knowing what is good and bad and what is acceptable and not because of how I was brought up. No one can say I've been brought up wrongly as they would be saying a bad word against my family and that is highly disrespectful and unacceptable to me. However, I am open to learning and experiencing a religion for myself to gain a higher knowledge of existence, but this will not be enough to prove that I am good enough to be with their son. I understand that parents want the absolute best for their children and want to see them succeed and be happy in life but how can they be allowing him to be happy if they won't accept someone he loves. Parents gave us life and we should respect them for bringing us into the world and bringing us up in the best way they possibly could but this does not mean that it is the only way to be brought up and that from their experience in life, that they know who is and isn't good for the family. This is highly judgmental and unfair.

So please, can anyone shed some light on this situation so that instead of wasting my life worrying and being upset, I can live it to the full and be entirely happy that I have bettered myself and gave myself the chance I want with the man I love.

~ Sarah-wnm

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10 Responses »

  1. Hi,
    parents have the right to choose who their children want to marry. I do not think being white is the problem. I know Pakistani people, they love white people! If you want to be muslim, do it for the sake of ALLAH and because you believe it from your heart not because you want to marry the boy.
    Yes, with interracial marriages you may run into issues. Even when everyone is muslim, sometimes there are cultural differences that will surface. I am speaking from experience. I wish, i listened when one of my wise sisters warned me. Try to use your faculty of reason, not your emotions. Emotions always lead to bad consequences.
    Best wishes,


    • If I let my parents choose husband, I would be unhappy as they would look at different criteria. But I agree with they must object if I choose non Muslim or a "bad" Muslim. I agree with Amy, maybe the way you say, it sounds like you mean parents have right to make you married with the one they want only.

    • Hi Sarah,I am a white Muslim and I am married to a Pakistani man,I'm the only non paki in the family,my husbands family tried for many years to make my husband marry a paki girl but he did not find any he wanted to marry,then he met me,his family told him no ,even though I am Muslim and they had never met me,My husband loved me sooo much that he went against his family and culture and told them well too bad i love her and im going to marry her anyways, upset and hurt I made the decision not to have them at the nikkah,I didn't want any bad vibes,I had to meet the family as his wife for the first time because they were so stubborn,but guess what,they loved me since the moment they met,and we are all very close,so if this man loves u he will stand up for u and marry u,and things will work out just fine

  2. Salaams,

    I disagree with what Reader said above, I do not believe parents have the right to choose who their children marry. That would be akin to forced marriage which is forbidden in Islam, Parents DO have the right to express any concerns they have over a prospective spouse, and they have the right to give their blessing to the marriage or withhold it based on their judgment. However, the son still has the choice in the end to do as he pleases, accepting the consequences of whatever he chooses.

    I do agree with Reader that you need to convert because of personal conviction. You don't convert to Islam just to be with the one you love. You say you don't know what "all the fuss is about", but it could be that it's about the fact that he has a girlfriend when he shouldn't. Regardless of how well he treats you, he clearly has a lower regard for his own faith and for Allah, because he is following the desires of his own self instead of maintaining the boundaries Allah has set for all.

    Faith shouldn't be an outfit we put on for certain occassions. It's not a wedding dress we wear to get married in. To follow Islam means wholehearted dedication to changing your ENTIRE life. The discipline required takes a lifetime to build. I can tell you that even people who convert out of sincerity on their own (not because of marriage), sometimes have a very difficult time rewiring their understandings about things and their day-to-day routines. Some days its two steps forward and two steps back. In fact, this isn't even limited to converts, Muslims who are born in Islam can run into this as well. All I am saying is that because of the level of commitment you should put forth, converting is something you should not take lightly or only consider for superficial reasons.

    To balance that out, for those who are ready and willing to jump in the beautiful ocean of this faith, it is well worth it. You will experience life, love, and reality in ways you never thought possible. You will see yourself grow into the person you were always created to be, and the experience is humbling, awe-inspiring, and so satisfying. Not only that, you will start a path of drawing closer to your Creator that will insha'Allah culminate in spending eternity enjoying His rewards.

    -Amy Editor

    • Salam Sister Amy,
      In this case, if the parents are objecting the relationship, I think they have a solid reason: islam. What I understand is they want a muslim girl. Most Muslim parents want their kids to marry muslims.
      I think brother Muhammad gave an excellent advice for the sister if she really wants to be a muslim.
      Thank you,

      • Absolutely. Making a fair objection is one thing, but choosing a spouse without letting the child be involved is an entirely different animal. Perhaps the way you phrased it could have been misleading.

        -Amy Editor

  3. Hello Sarah,

    I appreciate your thoughts. And your thought that Allah sees everyone equal is perfectly correct. There is a verse in the Quran which says:

    O mankind! We have created you from a male and a
    female, and made you into
    nations and tribes, that you
    may know one another. Verily, the most honourable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwa [consciousness of Allah]. Verily, Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware.

    Allah's Messenger Peace be upon him has said:

    All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no
    superiority over a non-Arab
    nor a non-Arab has any
    superiority over an Arab; also
    a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any
    superiority over white except
    by piety and good action.

    In another verse in the Quran, Allah Says:

    And among His Signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the difference of your languages and colours. Verily, in that are indeed signs for men of sound knowledge.

    According to Islam, there is no difference between a white and a Pakistani. Additionally, if you become a Muslim (while believing in The Only God Worthy of Worship - Allah - as your God, and His final Prophet Muhammad Peace be upon him as His your guide to the path of Allah which leads to His Pleasure), then you wouldn't be a 'white Muslim' but a Muslim without any prefix.
    You will be one of us, perhaps, even better than us.

    But your accepting Islam should be for your belief in Allah, and not compelled by any external event.

    Your marriage to him is totally possible, but sadly, there are some ignorant people in the Muslim community, who make discrimination, which they have no right to make.

    We Muslims have no relations between the opposite sexes before we get married, hence, boyfriend and girlfriend are words which are unIslamic. Your relation with the man concerned can be considered Islamic, when you get married to him. But there is one point to be considered. Is he a practicing Muslim? I mean, does he offer the 5 daily prayers and fasts the month of Ramadan?
    If if doesn't, then I am afraid if won't be good for your Islamic life. It could be difficult for you to practice Islam in the future (assuming that you'd accept Islam one day).

    If you think you can go ahead with the relationship, he can probably talk to his parents about you and gently convince them in a wise manner. I will insha Allah pray to Allah that If makes it easy for him and makes his parents accept you as their daughter in law.

    Regarding your family, you should respect them and keep visiting them if possible. And tell them about the beauty of the faith you have embraced.

    Sister, your can begin learning about the Religion which could soon be your own as it is mine today, by reading the Quran and also the biography of Prophet Muhammad Peace be Upon him.

    I pray that Allah Guides you and makes everything easy for you

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  4. Sarah, I am sorry, if may sound a little harsh, but all said and done, your "relationship" to me seems like a disaster in the offing!

    Few reasons,

    First and foremost, a "relationship" between a man and woman, beyond the sanctity of marriage is completely forbidden in Islam. The "Muslim" man, you have been so madly in love with, it seems follows Islam according to his whims and convenience which speaks enough of his character and integrity as a person.

    Then, you said 2 years is a short period! My dear, 2 years is a very long period for two people in love hoping to marry each other to introduce each other to their respective friends and family. The guy's clearly not doing it and I am surprised to see you're so ok with it!

    Also, it seems, he's made it clear to you, that his family might (rather WILL) not accept you, in which case, he's already putting this idea into your head, that he might terminate this relationship and leave you, being the good ideal Muslim son, that he, I genuinely feel, is not!

    Worst is, you're already claiming you will never make him choose between you and his family! In that case, please tell me, what's the entire jazz all about, since he's anyway made it apparent, that his family is NOT going to accept you!!! Also, if anyway, the two of you know the road ahead is difficult and is only going to hurt a lot of people in the process, then what's the point in dragging things further when it is anyway not permissible in the first place.

    Honestly, reading your post, makes it apparent that your ability to reason is totally clouded by your affection for the man. But for your own sake, please pause for a moment and look at things reasonably.

    You're trying to sacrifice everything for a man, who's perhaps not going to sacrifice anything at all for you!

    Also, how do you expect a man, who's manipulated his religion to his convenience, who's hiding a very "important" aspect of his life from his family, to honour his commitment to you?!?!?! Forget love, do you even think he's worthy of your trust?!?!

    And if, after everything I have said, you still think, that this man's genuine and deserves a chance, then please ask him to introduce to his family and make things respectable for you, for him and for your respective families. If that happens, then am sure, there's a lot of scope for you to be a part of his culture and value system. Perhaps, once you're with his friends and family, you might quickly learn to adapt and absorb their culture, religion and practices. Would be a good litmus test for both of you and also the families. Precaution's always better than cure.

    I urge you, stop being emotional about everything, and please get reasonable once. You're already critically examining how unfair parents can get or how unfair this or that is. That's just not required at this point in time. Before blaming things on the family, it's important, you get sure about if what you have gotten into is worth or not!

    Also, try and browse through the forum, you will get several stories of women (Muslim / Non Muslim / Asian / Caucasian / whatever) who were promised marriage, taken advantage of and eventually were betrayed and abandoned, all in the name of love. And the excuse was either "emotional blackmailing by families" or "Islam doesn't permit it". Please read each of these stories, and you will realise each of them sounds familiar. As familiar as your story is!!! They all felt the same when the relationship was in its nascent stage, things deteriorated over years (5 - 7). Unfortunately, these women discovered this forum, after their heart breaks, you luckily are here, when you still have time to save yourself!

    I hope, God guides you and gives you enough strength to do what is right!


  5. Firstly you do not convert for a man

    Secondly if the man was god fearing would he have a relatiinship?
    So it doesn't sarter if she Muslim or not you did things the haram way

    How can you expect blessings.

    If you respect this girl... then let her go. Let her learn Islam.from women... not you or men. Let her love Allah first, let her respect herself first. And you should do the same respect women they not there for Haram.relationships. grow up love Allah then do things the permissible way.

    After you leave her to decide if she becomes Muslim for herself for Allah. Then send a request to her parents her wali or imam. Pass on details and then you meet with her wali in Islamic environment a few times. No physical relationships no alone time. Fear Allah and have taqwa.

    If you want Allah to change the hearts of your family first change your relationship with Allah. Become a try Muslim and respect women not date them. beat advice you give this girl is to walk away and not make any contact learn Islam of she lives Allah and the deen she will come back the proper way if not then you saved yourself from Hell.

  6. Yup. The only us that you should be reverting to Islam is you and Allah swt. I won't say don't convert because a man brought you toward Islam because I've met Muslim women that came to Islam for the MAN and ended up becoming very wonderful Muslim women.. Be careful as some Muslim men like to take advantage of a women with little to no knowledge about Islam and start teaching *HIS-LAM* (Which has nothing to do with Islam). Making the faith cater to their needs, revoking your rights as a Muslim woman and eventually making the experience feel like something you never want to be apart of again. I've seen that happen way too many times and thats a pure shame. Bother to educate yourself, ask questions, AND don't let anyone try to make you feel less than.

    As for the whole Pakistani Snobbing.. Sorry to say, but almost every race does this. If you are strong enough to handle it by all means, marry him and ignore the rude comments and looks
    (Oh your gonna get a LOT of looks) WOOOH!! Them Pakistani aunties are gonna see you a mile away and those eyeballs are gonna see their fellow Desi boy with a Western beauty and they're going to LOOK.. some of them don't even blink! Once I tried staring back at one lady and SHE continued to stare me DEAD IN MY FACE! --- I'm just being silly --- I mean they're gonna do it. But you both are going to laugh it off and get used to it. (You will) My (ex) mother in-law would always remind me "Cover it up, cause you know how brown people are!" *I loved her*

    Some families warm up to the idea of interracial marriage, some are already open minded, and others are like "Uh Uhhh!" + =

    It may not actually be just because your white though. It may be because they don't want to take the risk of interracial marriage being too difficult to handle. Been there, done that. I ended up divorced, eventually remarried (An Afghani) which in different ways feels even harder. But Alhumdulilah it can work out if you both sincerely love one another and have the strength to let go of your pride. (Which all Muslims should be trying to do anyways)

    Not trying to discourage you, but ALL marriage is hard. You just have to be prepared for the reality of what marriage really is and decide what you can handle. Lotz of love sister, May Allah swt help and guide you through this. Don't forget to wait for your guidance from istikhara.

    Just leaving some great lectures on the subject of marriage

    Elders: End the Racism and Allow Your Children to Get Married!! - Omar Suleiman

    The Rights & Responsibilities of Marriage || Nouman Ali Khan

    Aslam Alaykum

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