Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Imprisoned in my own marriage.

Painful Feeling

Asalamualaikum all.

I feel as if i can write a book on my four years of marriage. But im going to keep it as concise as i can.

My husband has severe anger problems to the extent that he has used physical violence on me many times and then blamed me for triggering it. After a while he would apologise and promise that he will never do it again but it happens again. I have been pregnant 4 times. First 2 ended in miscarriage. I have a 6 month old baby and i am now 6 weeks pregnant. My husband always wanted alot of children which i agreed to aswell.

The first time he used physical violence was the night i told him i was first pregnant. We were discussing who to tell and my opinion on just telling my mum for the time being made him assume that i "hated" his family. However my inlaws and i have a very good relationship Alhumdulillah. As i was trying to make him understand otherwise, he started to drive manically and pulled up aggressively on the side, got out, through my bag out on the floor and then dragged me out. And drove off. How i wish i had called my dad that night. I was thinking to do it but he came back and told me to get in. At that point i just felt weak and worthless. It was the first time we had found out the good news that i was pregnant and this is what he did.

The last time he was physically abusive was when we had a discussion about something which escalated. I didnt feel that i was saying anything for him to do what was coming. Again we had only found out the day before that i was pregnant again. He strangled me twice and punched me on the side of my head 3 times. The 3rd time i screamed so he stopped. My earlobe was bleeding and and i had a severe headache for the next week or so. At that point i wished i walked away the first time he did this. Although im so grateful that Allah has given me the blessing of a baby and another one, i feel trapped. Hes been apologising since and ive not given in yet. He said to me that by now i wouldve forgiven him and been normal with him again. I said how many times am i going to do that. Hes been flipping out every now and then over petty things because i havent been speaking to him properly.

Hes always on his phone. I have had this issue from the beginning of marriage. I found out about a year into marriage that he was a porn addict. My suspicions rose when he used to take his phone in the toilet all the time and when he would stay up all night in another room saying hes doing work and then come to bed late in the night. I caught him on 3 different occasions and each time he promised he wouldnt do it again. Ive also caught him staring at women on the street and on womens profiles online. He wanted to marry someone who covers amd wears niqab and I do. Not for him. I had started to do so 3 years before marrying him. The reason why im mentioning this is only because its embarassing for me to be out with him and hes staring at all kinds of women?! This has really limited us from even going out together. Nor do i really go out myself. The last time i said to him that if i catch him again i will walk away for sure. And since then i havent seen anything suspicious. So i left it.

For those who are going to suggest that he should get married again, we had this discussion on several occasions. First of all he cant even afford to maintain us. We live with my family. Secondly i hardly see him as it is. Thirdly he said that as long as im sexually available for him everyday sometimes more than once a day then he wont even want a second wife. Which i am. But not at the moment as obviously i have a history of miscarriages and i am in my first trimester. This was one of the times when i caught him watching porn which also happened to be 10 days after we came back from umrah. So as soon as i become unavailable he will relapse?

Hes very practising, good in front of other people, gives dawah, teaches deen. But behind closed doors this is what i deal with.

I asked him to go counselling for his porn addiction which he says he doesnt need anymore and for his anger but he hasnt budged with that.

When we're on good terms, everything is fine. Its just his constant use of the phone, its like a magnet to his hand.

But this is what the bad times are like. The only reason i havent walked away yet is because of my baby, my new pregnancy and i dont want my family to go through any stress or worry because of me. I havent breathed a word of this to anyone. Not my family, his family nor any friends. But his mum found out when i found out he was on some marriage website and was getting emails from random women and i confronted him and be decided "he had enough of my suspicions" and told his mum he didnt want to be with me anymore, which then backfired because his mum was in shock and asked him what was going on and he revealed everything he had done himself including the abuse. I didnt speak a word till they asked me. Even posting this here i was having second thoughts but ive kept it all to myself for long enough and need some serious advice.

May Allah reward you all for your time and for your responses. Ameen.



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10 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaikum sister it sounds like you don't want to divorce and he is considering it but you have not done anything wrong so he needs to sort himself out so may Allah be pleased with you and be with you. If he is not willing to admit and fix himself from his wrongs what can you do. He needs to admit and strive to change, being good in front of people and bad at home is the quality I think Allah might despise so he needs to get real and be genuine. Sounds to me you are doing the right thing and so while you can be patient if he is doing the wrong thing to you it is you who have the right to divorce him. But if either of you decide to take that unfortunate path then do it in a good way. Salam

  2. I don't understand why every body thinks divorce is a bad thing. Sometimes a divorce is much more blessed than a marriage. Sister , I don't know your situation but it sounds you're surrounded by family and you shouldn't have let him put a hand on you the first time . And as you didn't stand up for yourself the situation has escalated from bad to worth . Examine your options , leave him as soon as you can. He's a hypocrite , and they're the worst of the people .what kind of man rise his hand against his pregnant wife . Our prophet peace be upon him says : the best of you is the one who is the best to his family. In quran allah says to the hypocrites : do you think if you just turn your head to the east and west (while praying) is enough? The problem with our men and women in this ummah is they pick and choose verses in quran which is suitable and easy for them and they forfeit the rest .Which is the case of your husband .

    • Yes yes and yes. The fact that you pregnant and have a child should not encourage you to stay rather more encouraging to leave because children are innocent and should not have to suffer with a father who abuses their mother. What if one day he starts abusing the kids?

      You do not have to stay with this man. Tell your family very honestly what is going on. If they support you then just leave him. I know easier said than done but you have the right. Unless you want to be miserable the rest of your life. No need to be the sacrificial lamb. You deserve happiness and a life with no violence. If your family wants you to suffer find another resource of support. You can do this! For your children!

    • "The problem with our men and women in this ummah is they pick and choose verses in quran which is suitable and easy for them and they forfeit the rest .Which is the case of your husband ."

      Too right bro!
      All the cherry picking people do in Islam is what causes tremendous amount of problems in the world.

      "Hes very practising, good in front of other people, gives dawah, teaches deen. But behind closed doors this is what i deal with."

      Shame he isn't half as good inside the 4 walls as he is out and about. He would be a great husband and a father if he was and he can be. All he needs is to man up and stop the evils he commits that is causing a massive gap in your marriage with him as well as causing the angels and Allah to be angry.

      May Allah give him the ability to stop such evils he committing and become a better person.

  3. Another thing I find mind boggling is that there was a suggestion of a second wife. Was that his idea or yours? Him having a porn addiction is no right to get another wife. And guess what if your health prevents you from being sexually active for a cetrain amount of time then he has to be patient.

  4. Salam,

    To me, his looking at other women is not a deal breaker. But the fact that he punched you in the head three times until your ears bleed over something trivial, and you getting left on the side of the road on a highway over an assumption that you hate his family; that is a deal breaker. My vote is last chance before divorce, if there is any incident that occurs that is unjustified file for divorce. Have your divorce papers filled out and ready to file at a moment's notice. Salam, sorry to hear you're going through this.

  5. In my humble opinion, I am inclined to see the sings of a paranoid personality disorder (PPD) in the behaviour of your husband, though it is impossible for any specialist to make a correct psychiatric diagnosis without contact to the person in question, People with PPD tend to misinterpret the actions and words of others to be hostile, even if they are not. They tend to blame the others for conflicts.
    The "porn addiction" is an entirely different thing, and has got nothing to do with the above. In fact, I would be very careful with using this term, because watching porn frequently and being addicted to it is not the same. In fact, official diagnostic critaeria for "porn addiction" do not even exist. Frequent usage of porn by men on the other hand is quite a common thing. and finding one without a history Masturbation and porn usage to arouse themselves is close to impossible. The contradiction between his behaviour at home and outwards may stem from the following:
    He probably has a great sexual appetite, and while he may be able to control his urges enough not to commit zina, the urges are still there, a fact he can`t do anything about. As a pious muslim he naturally wishes for a modest wife who covers herself completely, but at the same time he probably has a great interest in sexuality, maybe even secret desires he is ashamed to share with you because his desires are at odds with his piousness. He may be secretly phantasizing about a wife with high sexual appeal and lust.
    I would advice you the following:
    1. Build up an as good-as-possible relationship with his mother, because she seems to have some leverage on him. Fill her in whenever your husband abuses you. Do not mention to her the issue with the porn however, because this should be between husband and wife and greatly embarrass him (more harm than use)
    2. It may be a good idea to learn some kind of martial art, if available for women where you live (this not being the case in most muslim-majority countries), so you can protect yourself.
    3. Do not condemn him for using porn. He probably uses it to masturbate in addition to your regular sex life, and thus to quell his great sexual appetite, especially when you are not available. I know that many women find their husbands interest in masturbation humiliating (I am not enough for him? Does he not love me?), but you should not. Try to view it as a method to quell his hunger, a way which keeps him away from zina, and away from other women. After all, I never stumbled upon any hadith which would prohibit masturbation.
    4. Try to find out whether he has secret sexual fantasies (I may be wrong after all.) Ask him whether he secretly wishes for something, which he never dared to tell you. Maybe you can fulfill some of them, so he has less interest in other women.

    • You advise her to ask him about his fantasies and try to fulfill them?
      The man who abused her so badly that he caused her to miscarry?
      How demeaning is that? That man is nothing but a coward. He needs to be kicked in the head by a man twice his strength, till his ear starts to bleed. That would be justice

    • Are you crazy? What kind of a psycho muslim are you? Watching PORN is ok? She should be ok with her husband watching porn? You think watching naked men and women do disgusting acts together is ok? Its not a huge deal?
      He HITS his wife? Lies and behaves like a crazy person ... and you call him pious?
      Shame on you

  6. Salam sister, abuse is a vicious cycle and will never stop. Its the worst place to raise children as it will effect them soo much...please make plans to get out of this unhealthy marriage now...his addiction and manners is a reflection of his iman, this anger he is having towards you is his feelings of not being happy with himself because he is displeasing sound a good and patient and may allah reward with a better partner inshallah amin.

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