Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In a Big Dilemma!

Allah Tests who He Loves

Assalaamu alaikum, my brothers and sisters! I have a huge problem and crying to Allah every day, but no answers. My husband doesn't earn that much money. Basically, he is working a retail job, which is paying minimum wage. I'm on disability for mental illness. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder. Both me and my husband live with my parents.

We are trying to apply for low income apartments, but there are waiting lists and no guarantee we will get them. I am trying to get a part time job to supplement my disability money, like secretarial work and the disability office is helping me get a part time job. I want to get off of disability, so I'm taking baby steps, but I fear my illness is permanent. I cry to Allah to cure me, but it seems like I will always be this way.

Another problem I have is that I'm stupid. I want to become a medical technologst one day, but afraid I will not be able to do well in the classes with my disability. That's why I'm taking baby steps. The way the economy is, and the fact I've been fired in jobs before, makes me scared that I won't be able to hold down a medical technologist job. Plus, I am always tired and struggle with depression in the morning and getting up to go somewhere early, like a job. I set my alarm, but always feel tired, even after 8 hours of sleep. If I don't get exactly 8 hours of sleep at night, I struggle with fatigue and getting to places on time, which makes me fear I won't be able to hold down a job.

I want to own a home one day, but with my husband struggling to find better paying job, (he only has skills for retail and banking jobs), and my mental illness and tiredness issues, I fear it will never happen, and if it does, what if my husband loses his job or I can't get better and help my husband financially? I'm so scared and cry to Allah every day. I wish I could earn money online, but I don't know how. I saw Muslim websites for starting home based businesses, but I'm too stupid and know nothing on how to run a business and scared to lose my government health insurance. In America, if you are self employed, you have to pay your own health insurance and it's expensive. Plus, I don't think I could handle the stresss. What should I do? Why isn't Allah helping me? If I didn't have my parents, me and my husband would have to move in an area with high crime since the rent would be affordable, an area I would be scared to live.

I'm living in fear and afraid to take risks because I don't want to lose what little I have now. How will I move forward if I'm so scared? Please help me and my husband! There have been people who have lost jobs and their homes in this economy and I'm scared to take the risk and be one of them. Oh Allah, please don't make me afraid. You see, jobs don't have security that's why I'm scared. My parents are blessed they are landlords and have a convenience store business, which is how they haven't lost their home, like others who have had jobs and lost them. My parents have a set income.

In terms of my marital problems, me and my husband have worked them out. My husband is under a lot of stress to try to provide, so sometimes he doesn't feel like having sex or can give me the emotional support I need, but he loves me a lot. The brother before was right when he said that he was insecure that's why he was putting me down. I forgive him, but I fear a life of great difficulty, but that is marriage. I will stand by him and he will stand by me no matter what. I'm scared to be poor and homeless. I know homelessness can happen to anyone, regardless of income. I know in Islam, Allah tests us with hardship, but being on the streets is scary. Please help me! I'm scared!

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7 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    I understand from what you have written that you would have access to counselling. I suggest that that is your way to go as you have written many similar posts.

    May Allah swt help you to overcome your challenges, Ameen.

  2. Sister Saba....I want to take my husband to counselling, but he tries to show the counselor everything is ok, when it's not and then the counsellor believes him. He is still not emotionally, financially, or intimacy wise supportive. He has taken the money I saved and bought a car and sent money home without saving with me. I have tried to forgive him, but he is not being responsible to move out of my parents' house and be more independent. I think I need to see an Islamic counselor to explain to him his duties in Islam, but I'm afraid they will believe him and think there is no problem.

    • What I believe sister Saba means, and what I think, is that you as an individual need counseling separate from your husband. You write repeatedly that you are scared to take any risks, that you are stupid, and you seem to have a deepest fear of becoming homeless even though you live with your parents and I doubt they would throw you out onto the streets given that they have a set income as you say. Your fears therefore seem irrational and are likely caused by your disorder. You need individual pyschotherapy to work through your fears and anxieties and be able to face the difficulties of life. Things can get better for you and your husband inshallah, but first you need to work through your own issues. Have faith in Allah and seek professional help. Good luck.

    • Yes, as NE clarified, you should go to counselling alone.

      With respect to your husband, since he is financially dependent on you and has a completely different upbringing and set of cultural beliefs, he will change overtime or more than likely, never change.

      Rather than focusing on him, focus on yourself and taking care of your needs one at a time.

  3. Thank you for your advice. I agree. I definitely need to seek counseling for myself because of my fears. I suffer from mental illness and I just got a part time job, but I'm afraid I will lose it because I'm always tired and depressed as well as very sensitive and emotional. I want to be independent and make good income, but fear losing my government health insurance. I also think I'm not smart so maybe a counselor can help me with that.

  4. Dear Sister,

    You are in my thoughts.

    Hugs and Hope,

    N.

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