Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In a complicated marriage


Assalama Aleikum,

Dear Brother & Sisters in Islam. I'd like to ask if my marriage to my husband is valid.

Going back to 2005 - im not Muslim. I dont wear hijab. I had a christian BF but he didnt marry me.

My husband & I got married after 2months, I was completely unaware of Islamic ways. He was overseas and my relationship w the ex continued for few days. I committed grave sin - ADULTERY. I didnt know my husband well unlike my ex who's been with me for 3yrs. But I know it was not an excuse.

The husband came home n saw 1 plain text from my ex. He became suspicious n called back that no. Eventually, ex told him everything. My husband slapped my face til I fell down on floor. He said, he will call police and I will be stoned to death

I was totally terrified, Ive never been so scared in my life. He left the house and locked me up. I wanted to commit SUICIDE by jumping out of the window or by hanging myself in the bathroom. But I was scared.

He then came back with 2 Muslims. Eventually he changed his mind of divorcing me n decided to forgive me.

I repented and I devoted all my time seeking forgiveness from all my sins. I started to learn Islam, wear hijab, my husband taught me how to pray, fast and family affairs in Islam...After 4yrs, we were blessed with a baby BOY. His ONLY namebearer as of today.

But each time we have argument, he would always bombard me with that 1 sin that I made. I've asked him many many times to divorce me, so we can both free ourselves. But he doesn't want to let me go, bcoz he says HE LOVES ME...

One day, he accidentally left his facebook password, I checked his pm and emails. I saw that he having indecent talks with a Muslim girl. they exchanged sort of sex words that are only meant for spouses. Ive asked my husband about it. He said he did not touch that woman, he wanted to marry at first thru NIKKA MISYAR (travellers marriage) but he changed his mind when he realized that the woman DOES NOT wear hijab...and her attitude does not abide with Islam ways.

He then defended himself that he was not doing zina of the eyes or tongue, since zina is an actual touch & penetration. I still felt confused, coz I know that seeing forbidden part of women (breasts or nipples) is not Islamic... I forgave my husband bcoz i know hes not perfect. The same way he forgave me.

My husband is the most kindest, loving, pious man that I knew, I will not be able to see the true meaning of Islam if he was not used as an instrument. He helped me in my Deen, provided me everything that I need. Have me shelter and everything. We pray together most of the time. We stayed together for 10yrs already.

I wanted to leave my husband so that he can freely choose the woman he thinks best for him. And also free myself from a cage that makes me feel guilty each time. He always use my previous sin as a WEAPON every time he commits mistake.

I know I've committed mistake in our life, I honestly repented and I felt that Allah (SWT) has forgiven me by putting mercy, forgiveness, love & understanding in my husband's heart to the time of our marriage crisis. Plus my Dua' to bear a BOY was answered... I really don't know what to do... how can I stop my husband from chatting w those girls that affect his Deen?


IS OUR MARRIAGE VALID last 2005, even though I committed a sin and he still accepted me and forgive me?





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3 Responses »

  1. Salam alikum sister,

    I am sorry to hear about your marraige troubles. Hopefully I can provide a little help.

    It sounds like your initial marraige was legitimate, although you did not share the details of using a Wali, having family witnesses present, ect. The adultry you committed was wrong, but there is no more to say about it as it is in your past and you have become Muslim now. When you first said your Shahadah, your sins were wiped away and you started with a clean new life. So in this regard, there should be no doubt that Allah swt has forgiven you for your past sins, and ideally your husband should also recognize that.

    Regarding your husband's online is also adultry/ Zina. It is wrong to secretly talk to non-mehrems and use nasty words. But be careful sister, DO NOT JUDGE HIM. If you are judging him, then stop yourself. He is YOUR husband, so love him unconditionally. Let Allah swt judge. All you can do is tell your husband how much it hurts you, and ask an Imam or a respected family member to talk some sense to him. If Allah swt wills your husband to come back to you, then Alhamdulilah, and if Allah swt wills him to go away, then say Alhamdulilah for testing you. All of this is a test for you anyways, and the harder the test gets, the closer you get to Allah swt if you pass the test.

    It is not unreasonable for you to ask to be the only woman in the marraige, even though it is your husband's Islamic right to marry up to 4 wives. Most men can not handle multiple wives, as it is extremely financially and mentally stressing. Just remind your husband that if he plans getting a second wife, then he must provide same level of care to BOTH of you. I would even go as far as to help him estimate how much money he would need to make per year to actually support two women AND pay for a second wedding! Thinking about it that way makes it quite real to men, and usually they will back away from the thought of second marraige.

    Alhamdulilah you were brought to the straight path and you are striving to stay on it! Keep it up! I have faith that you can get through these tests gracefully, as you have come so far already following Islam. Remember that it is only right for Allah swt to judge people, and it is only right for people to follow Allah swt. Pray istikhara before taking any drastic actions like divorce, separation, ect. And lastly HAVE PATIENCE. Sabr grows sawab.


    • OP: I really don't know what to do... how can I stop my husband from chatting w those girls that affect his Deen?

      Your husband is a mature man and he knows what he is doing. I have a feeling you want to leave him too but are not sure what happens after you leave him.........

      Sounds like he is talking to multiple girls. ......... he will go further if he gets a chance to be with them.

      Misyaar is just a type of marriage where 2 people get married for sex only

      Misyaar marriage is where a man does a shar’i marriage contract with a woman, meeting the conditions of marriage, but the woman gives up some of her rights such as accommodation, maintenance or the husband’s staying overnight with her.

  2. Salam sister

    I'm very sorry to hear of your story.

    There were mistakes you made which were before u were a muslim and inshallah allah has forgiven you.

    Your husband is wrong to shift blame when you question him. What he is doing is adultery and is wrong. If you discussed that you were going to be the only wife and he agreed then he must abide by this.

    The issue of misyaar marriage is just an excuse for sex and used by people who are Shia. It is haram and unlawful and not allowed in islam.

    If you feel you can do better without him then you can go to an imam and get a divorce through that way it doesn't need to come from your husband. Show your case and evidence and inshallah whatever you decide I hope it's for the best.'s not between you and them it's between you and allah.


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