Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am in an relationship but not dating or in a physical contact. Is it right?

Assalam O Alaikum,

I am just 17 yrs old and have been in a relationship for 5 months with a guy whom I met on facebook a year ago. We really love each other but we never met; his mom and dad know about me and he also wants to marry me when he completes his studies like in 5 years or so. But still we never meet; I know him very well and his family is a really nice one.
We don't date or anything but, the thing which keeps bugging me is that I don't like sending him my pictures. However, I can't tell him this and I am afraid that Allah will not be pleased by this act of mine :(.
What should I do!? He's a good Muslim and a sincere person but still not too much into Islam and I am afraid If I tell him I won't be sending my pics from now on; he will get dishearted :(. Since he's very sensitive and loves me a lot; I don't want to force anything Islamic on him because I am afraid that would make him go away from the teachings if they hurt his feelings.

He is changing himself without anyone forcing him and he also supports a beard Masha Allah; so, I don't want to force him for anythng (and I also take hijab along with the face veil). On the same time I am worried that its not a good thing since he's not my mahram :(.

I hope I explained my self clearly; please tell me what should I do :(.
Please make du'aa for me and him that Allah gives us guidance and let us be on the right path and give me and him Hidayat (direction)...[ameen]

Jazaak Allah,

ilove Allah.

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22 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    A while ago,I felt the exact same way-to the tee. I am also in Hijaab now,face veil too with the Mercy and Guidance of Allah Ta'aala,alhamdulillah.To take it a lil further, I'm also 17 years old.

    For a very long time I believed tawakkul was simply making du'aa and believing that no matter what I do,Allah Ta'aala would allow the best to happen. However,with time I've realized that tawakkul has an extreme amount of Sabr attached to it. Not necessarily sabr in museebat,but Sabr of the nafs,Sabr against shaytaan,Sabr against sin. I've come to realise that total tawakkul can only be achieved when throwing out everything in life which is against the wishes of Allah Ta'aala.As Allah Ta'aala says in the Qur'aan-"Wasta'iynu bis sawbri was sawlaah"-And seek help with Sabr and Salaah. Hadhrat Maseehullah (rahmatullah alayhi) often used to say " The need for Sabr exists in every action" . I didnt really understand the saying until I came across another saying : "True Sabr is to abstain from sin".

    You know as well as I do,that perpetual sinning eventually ruins a person. I use to chat to guys on mxit,facebook and bbm,during my Jahiliyya days but Alhamdulillah,Allah Ta'aala guided me,I repented and I got rid of all such applications.Then I got prodigits,for completely good reasons(debates,actually),but inevitably guys add you and you might not flirt,but you do reply salaam etc. so I deleted my prodigits. There was just 1 problem- I became attached to 1 guy I met there. It started out as a friendship where we would only speak Islamic things,but inevitably you start developing something more for the person you speaking to. I felt like a total fraud. Here I was wearing purdah, having an outer show of modesty while in my heart I felt differently. I consoled my guilt with the excuse that I would not talk anything against shari'ah with him, but forgot Allah Ta'aala's commandment " Wa laa taqrabuzzinaa"-And do not GO NEAR to zinaa. After I had realised my wrong and my leading him to misguidance(by talking to him) the thought crossed my mind that I keep making Tawbah,what sense is there in it because I keep returning to the sin.
    Allah Ta'aala is so Great,that I had hardly thought this when I read the following article:
    Once Hadhrat Moulana Maseehullah(Rahmatullah alayhi) advised a person who complained bitterly about his evilness and extremely weak spiritual state that: " Do not focus so much on your sins,rather use your energies making tawbah."
    The person responded by saying : " Hadhrat,every time I make tawba I break my tawba. So what is the sense of me making tawbah?"
    Hadhrat replied: "Clean clothing gets dirty after a day or two. It is understood that the clothing needs to be washed. No one says " What is the sense of washing my clothing. It will get dirty again. " Similarly,the soul gets dirty when sin is committed. Just as one regularly washes and changes ones clothing,so is there a need to 'wash' the soul regularly even though you fear that you will sin again"

    Theres many a times that I thought to myself -'Nevermind,Allah might have mercy on me. Allah is All-Forgiving,Most Merciful.' Certainly,Allah Ta'aala is. But Allah Ta'aala also says ' Inna rahmatAllahi qareebun minal MUHSINEEN' - Verily,the mercy of Allah Ta'aala is close to the GOOD-DOERS,and we understand the hadeeth something to the effect that Allah Ta'aala does not change the condition of a people until they change themselves. I then decided that I will renew my pledge to do my best to be from the good-doers,because I know that I'm doomed without the Mercy of Allah Ta'aala. Therefore,I stopped communicating with him,not only for my sake and Allah Ta'aala's sake but for his sake too.

    I remember somebody once telling me ' If you really have consideration for someone,you will not help them build the bridge to Jahannam'. That day I implemented that in my life as I did not want to be the cause anymore that rahmah is witheld from him and I promise you, everything in my life totally fell in to place. Yes,I missed talking to him- Its natural.For about a day or two I did,and if I think back,I still do for a moment,but when I remember that it displeased Allah,I hate the thought more than I hate the thought of being tortured and burnt alive..I do not know if that actions of mine will be the cause of me being deprived of Allah Ta'aala's Mercy on the day when He is angry as never before! I do not know if my tawbah is accepted or if my actions will ever suffice for my wrong deeds,but I do know Allah is Merciful and Allah Ta'aala knows best what is best for all his bandahs.I truly believe that if anything is truly meant to happen between two people(marriage wise), it will happen without their communication with the taqdeer Allah Ta'aala has set out for them. And if nothing is meant to happen between then, then why even talk and ruin the Aakhira anyway?

    Sister,you say:

    Since he's very sensitive and loves me a lot; I don't want to force anything Islamic on him because I am afraid that would make him go away from the teachings if they hurt his feelings.

    Sister,never never never do you have to apologise for Allah Ta'aalas laws! Allah Ta'aalas laws reign supreme in the world of man! Allah Ta'aala is the One who guides,not we. Its our puny brains that cannot comprehend the Master plan. We cannot reject what Allah Ta'aala says or does for then we would be kaafirs. So yes,by all means...let him grow and learn and do not FORCE him to do anything. Anyway,you say its 5 years before you can get married...thats a long time...and a long time to be engaged in zinaa. You say that you do not like sending him your photos. I'd advise you to stop straaaaight away- Nabi (sawlallaahun alayhi wa sallam) has said: “Every son of Adam has his share of zinaa decreed for him, and he will undoubtedly get his share. The eye commits zinaa and its zinaa is looking. The tongue commits zinaa and its zinaa is speaking; the feet commit zinaa and their zinaa is walking; the hands commit zinaa and their zinaa is touching. The heart longs and desires for something and the private parts confirm that or deny it.” (Sahih Bukhari-6343)
    He(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) began by mentioning the eye because this is how the zinaa of the hand, foot, heart and private parts begins. By mentioning the zinaa of the tongue, he pointed out that the mouth can commit zinaa by speaking. And he stated that the private parts can confirm that if they make the deed happen, or deny it if that does not happen.This hadeeth gives the clearest indication that the eye can sin by looking and that this is its zinaa.
    The Holy Prophet (saw) has said: “A look is a poisonous arrow from the arrows of Iblees (satan). Whoever avoids giving (haraam) look in fear of Allah (SWT), Allah will put into his heart the faith (Imaan) whose sweetness he will feel”.
    A look has the same effect on the heart as an arrow has on its victim. If it does not kill him, it will wound him. It is like a spark of fire in dried grass; if it does not burn all of it, it will still burn some of it. May Allaah have mercy on the one who said:

    “Everything starts with a look, and big fires start from little sparks.

    How often has a heart been dealt a fatal blow like that of an arrow, with no need for a bow.

    As long as a man’s eyes are looking around, looking into the eyes of others, he is in a state of danger.

    His eye delights in that which could destroy his heart. The joy that may lead to harm is not welcome.”

    Sister, firstly you met him on Facebook. You do not know him or his family. Do you really want to go ahead with this? What if you meet him after 5 years and his not all that? Do you really want to wait that long before you get married? (not that you're be old-just wondering). How old is he and will he be? What background does he come from? You need to know all this before you can make a decision. If I had to give you advice,I'd tell you to cut of all ties with him(believe me,5 years down the line,you probably wont even remember him). Allah Ta'aala says in the Qur'aan: "And do not approach Zinaa; verily it is a shameful act and an evil way”. If Allah Ta'aala knows best what it is,than what can we say?! With the same breath we can say that Allah Ta'aala says: “…and establish prayer, indeed prayer prevents from immorality and wrongdoing….”. Try reading your extra salaah (such as Sunnat ghayr Muakkadah and Nafl prayers) and try and always be in Wudhu. This will make you aware that Allah is there wherever you are. Regular fasting is another way of suppressing the sexual desire, as Allah’s Apostle (s.a.w) prescribed it for the young people who cannot afford marriage. Another way to keep away from zina is by reminding yourself of how you would abhor and dislike it for your mother, daughter, sister, and aunt; this was how the Prophet (s.a.w) put it to a man who came seeking permission for zina. Remember that Satan watches and waits for you to be distanced from your Muslim brethren, then he makes his attack. And so from amongst the things that will deter you from zina, is to always be in the company of the righteous, those people that will remind you of Allah Ta'aala. The Messenger of Allah (s.a.w) said in the hadith collected by Abu Dawud in his Sunan, “…indeed the wolf devours the lone sheep.” Also, remember that when a believer refrains from committing a sin, his reward increases in proportion with the temptation that he faces. Remember that saying “No” to someone who invites you to commit zina will secure you a place of shelter under the shade of Allah’s throne on the Day when their will be no shelter except His and when He will be angrier than ever before. Abu Hurayrah (r.a) reported that Allah’s Messenger (s.a.w) said: “Whoever Allah protects from the evil of what is between his jaws (i.e. his tongue) and the evil of what is between his legs (i.e. his private parts), he will enter Jannah (Paradise). May Allah saveguard us all and not turn our hearts after they've been guided. Aamin.

  2. Look sisi what yyou are on is wrong you are in contact with a guy who is nonmehram to you and sending him your pictures just to please him as he is sensitive but do you think of pleasing ALLAH why do you think to please a guy who is wrong himself why dont u think to pease ALLAH who has created you and gave u a pleasing lokk but you are missusing it make a devision of yourself if you want to marry this guy then make istikhara the ALLAH may show the right way .

  3. Dear IloveAllah sister,

    Please do not share ur pics with this facebook boy!!!

    and five years is crazzzzzzzy long wait- God-forbid what if one of u pass away during this wait!!!! Pls protect ur hereafter.

    By u talking to him alone online is like being with him alone and the third person is the shaitan whispering to both of u that it is nice, caring and cool thing to do!!!- it's not cool... it is haram.

    Pls strengthen ur emaan by staying away from him even if he comes across as harmless slave of Allah (swt) and turn to Allah (swt).

    Pls dont feel sorry for him that his heart will break- he is not urs and ur not his. Do a good deed for the sake of Allah (swt) and kindly send him a final msg and say u r breaking this pre-martial relationship because it is not halal in Islam- it displeases Allah (swt) plus it is unhealthy thing to do... break the contacts with this boy.

    Wish u well.

  4. Hi sister

    I agree with sister laa,qah and hope you will take her advice seriously.sister what you doing is a sin and Ask Allahs forgiveness and end this relationship for the sake of Allah.As you know Allah is our creator and our lord,He create us and rewards us with many uncountable gifts.and He love us more then anyone else in this world,He is merciful to us more then our parents even our own mothers.He is ready to forgive each and every sin we committed,He is ready to cure us from every diseases,He ready to save us from any danger,He ready to answer our duas when we ask Him.

    Allah is so merciful to us we disobey Him but He always give us a chance to ask His forgiveness and with all this mercy and all this rewards He only wants us to thank Him and follow His orders. then why cant we leave a sin for his sake?you think about this sis is pleasing your boyfriend is more then pleasing Allah your creator?& you kept your name as(I love Allah)?

    you must show this love to Allah and be more strong in your faith and ask Allah to choose for you a true man witch will be your true husband.and ask Allahs forgiveness and end this contact with this boy and surely Allah will be pleased with you and bless u.

  5. Thanks for all comments, it help also in same problem and i hope he will read this post.

  6. IloveAllah,

    How can you "really love" a guy whom you have never met and of all places...Facebook? You say, "his mom and dad know about me", but what about your mom and dad? Do THEY know about him? Chances are, they don't. You say, "I know him very well", but in know absolutely nothing about him other than what he tells you. People lie all the time on Facebook. Married men tell young women their single and so forth. On top of all of this, you are sending him pictures? La illaha illah Allah, wa Muhummidu Rasooloo Allah.

    You are afraid he will be "disheartened" should you not send him any more pictures yet it is your parents who would in fact be the ones who would be disheartened if they knew their daughter was sending some guy via the internet her pictures. Are you even aware of what can be done to your picture using software like "photo shop"? Have you ever thought what this guy could do with the photos you are sending him should the both of you end things? You don't even want to think about that I am certain. You don't like sending him pictures because you know full and well in your heart that you are doing something that is not something a young girl...a young Muslim girl should be doing.

    You can bet neither Allah or your parents will be pleased with your actions. "He is good", "He is sincere" do you know? Via chat? think because he wears a beard, that makes him is a good person?

    You my dear are playing with fire and do you know who is going to get burned? You are. Open your eyes and spend your time doing something more productive than talking to some random guy via the web. Go to school and work hard for the grades that will get you into a great University. Focus on your future and not some faceless person whom you have never met. God willing, when the time is right...a good man will ask for your hand in marriage. You will be a bit older and God willing...wiser.

    I ask Allah to put fear in your heart for the things that you are doing, that you know full and well is wrong. I ask Allah to guide you to the right path and to look to better things that will make your life full and Happy. Amin

    • Aamin.

      • SISTER!

        I hope you will take sister Najah and everyones advice seriously! and end this contact forever.

        Think of your death and the day when you will be alone in your grave.And the day of judgement when you will be judge by Allah.Now the door of forgiveness is opened to you and you still have a chance to ask forgiveness and to correct your mistakes until it will be too late.This world is like a school for us.our life is like a test and our death is like finishing our test and our life in grave is like the result for our test and in the day of judgement everyone will know his destiny.

        Make a serious Tawbah and end this contact.they are many important things to do on the internet rather then have many important things to do in your try to correct your test paper until it will taken away from you.And remember Allah is always there to forgive you.

        • Saja,

          Just your mention of the day of judgement has sent chills through me and the hair stand up on my arms! Let us pray that this young girl will listen to all of us and close her laptop and end this "so called" relationship. The computer is a wonderful open door to the world of knowledge yet, it is so sad when you see a large number of the worlds population using the internet in order to find a relationship. This is not the way. If a Muslim, whether male or female wants to marry...they should go to the very people who love them the most...their parents. The only thing the internet has to offer in the area of relationships is hurt and heartbreak.


          • sister Najah

            sorry if i had scared you but i didt mention that just to scared anyone.but you know whenever a muslim remembers that day it makes him have more faith in Allah and to be more careful while stepping to a sin.many people are ignoring this day and be doing sins without knowing their danger.But you are right inshallah i will pray for her and for everyone to walk on the right path and may Allah forgive all of our sins & rewards us the heaven of Firdos.may Allah bless Najah.

  7. salam very nice reply by sister Laaiqah

    and a brother said WE WILL SEE MORE AYESHAS R.A AND FATIMAS R.A....... thats never going to happen.... no matter how pious brothers and sisters become, we will never see people like sayyiduna Abu bakr or syyiduna Ali Radiallahu anhum.......or the likes of sahabiyaat....

    Please brother be mindful of the maqaam of sahaba e karaam ridwanAllahi ajmaeen before making such a comment... Im sure you did not really mean what you said.

    Forgive me if anything I said hurt you.


    • The Sahabah (ra) were human beings, not Prophets. Anyone who is deeply righteous can reach the same rank as the Sahabah. Sayyid Qutb (may Allah have mercy on him) made the point that if the presence of Rasulullah (sws) were necessary for one to reach the rank of the Sahabah, then Islam would not truly be a universal religion. The Sahabah reached the rank they did not because of the presence of the Prophet (sws), but because they drank from the pure spring of the Quran, forsaking all else.

      However, it is true that we will never see an entire generation like the generation of the Sahabah, since Rasulullah (sws) said that the best of his followers were the first generation, then the generation after that, then the generation after that. But this refers to the generation as a whole, not to individuals.

      And Allah knows best.

      Wael Editor

      • Wael,I agree that the Sahaabah(radiyallahu anhuma) were human beings,not prophets(alayhi salaam). But the prophets(alayhi salaam) were human beings too. The highest taabiiee(rahmatullah alayhi) cannot reach the status of the lowest sahaabi(radiyallahu anhu) and the highest tabi tabiiee cannot reach the status of the lowest tabiee. This was because of the noor received through Imaan and the company of the Prophet Muhammad (sawlallaahu alayhi wa saallam). The Sahaabah were a special group chosen by Allah Taaala to be the companions of the most beloved to Allah(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam). Nabi (sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam)s status was such that when he(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) went on Miraj and stood infront of Allah Taaala,he (sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) thought about the ayat in sura taha mentioning moosa (alayhi salaam) being in the valley of tuwa afterwhich Allah Taaala tels moosa alayhi salaam 'faghla' na'layk' -so remove your shoes-. Nabi (sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) bent down to remove his mubaarak shoes,thinking what can be more sacred then the ground where Allah Ta'aala's arsh is but Allah Taaala told him(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) not to and said to him(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) that your(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallams) shoes are more sacred than My arsh.
        A man used to repeatedly say that he wished he lived in the time of the sahaabah so that he may have being a companion of Nabi(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam),which is the dream of every muslim. He had a dream in which he was in a cart along with Nabi(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) and 4 sahaaba(radiyallahu anhuma). The cart lost control and was about to shatter and overthrow everyone. As he was thinking about what to do to save Nabi(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) the cart stopped. The four sahaaba had flung themselves from the cart and laid themselves each infront of 1 of the wheels in order to save the life of Rasulullah(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) . When the man awoke he realised that this was the being of the Sahaabah that their love was so intense that they did not think twice before risking their own lives.
        On the other hand I agree with you that a person can acclaim a lofty rank by virtue of his deeds through the fadhl of Allah Taaala in accordance to the ayats in Surah waaqi'ah -'Was saabiqunas saabiqun,oulaa'ikal muqarraboon,Fi jannaatiu wa naeem,THULLATHUM MINAL AWWALEEN WA QALEELUN MINAL AGHIREEN. Many from the 1st generations and few from the later. In Ma'aariful Quraan it is narrated that awwaleen were the sahaabah and akhireen those who came after them. Then again we know that at every given time there is 40 abdaal and 300 muqarraboon. Whether they are on the status of Sahaabah,Allah Taaala knows best.

    • Bilal,I'm sure the brother simply meant it as a matter of saying. I simply meant I am nowhere near that maqaam. Allah Ta'aala knows best the condition of each and every person. We know that when qiyaamah draws near,in the battle along with Isa (alayhi salaam) there will be only 313 people who will remain fighting and will not flee. They are reported to be getting the reward of the Badriyyin. Furthermore we know that if Umrah is performed in Ramadhaan the reward is that of Hajj with Nabi (sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam). That shows us that Hajj with Nabi(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) was indeed loftier than hajj without him(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam), else Nabi(sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) would have simply said it has the reward of Hajj. No doubt the sahaabah had a much loftier status but there are those who will attain a high rank due to the love of Nabi (sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) and the practicing of his(sawlallahu alayhi wa sallams) Sunnah. I know someone who had a dream that she was standing behind Nabi (sawlallaahu alayhi wa sallam) in sallah and someone who had a vision of Nabi (sawlallaahu alyhi wa sallam) and the sahaabah on Badr on the 17th of Ramadhaan yet I truly believe that despite their deeds a normal human being like me cannot simply attain the same status as the sahaabah.

  8. excellent answer Laiqaaa

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