Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In a secret relationship with my cousin, our parents don’t know

teenage love


I'm a 15 year old girl, and I'm in a relationship with my cousin. I've known him all my life, and so have my parents.

He is not a bad behaving guy, and he respects women and respects and loves me.

We're in a physical relationship, but we do not plan to have sex, until we're married. However, we both know still this is Kabiraa guna, and we try, but we can't not talk to each other etc.

We both want to get married to each other, but we don't know how to tell our parents when we come of age.

We a re afraid they might think that we were in a relationship, and may disown us or something.

Please help.


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5 Responses »

  1. Sister, Asalaamualaykum,

    You said that you are afraid that your parents may think that you are in a relationship. But you are in a relationship. Your parents may never find out about your secret relationship; but Allah knows. Allah knows you are having a physical relationship and you will both be accountable for this sin on Yawm al Qiyaamah. Furthermore, anyone that does not know now, will come to know on Yawm al Qiyaamah, because if we are not forgiven by Allah, He(swt) will reveal our sins on that Day. Allah can take our souls whenever He(swt) wants, what if He(swt) takes it when you are sinning? There will be no turning back for you then. Know that whatever path you choose now, will pave the path for your future, so choose the right one while you still have a choice, while you still have the ability to choose.

    Choosing a marriage partner is a very big and important decision we make. The Quran and Sunnah have given us guidelines on what to look for in a spouse, we should look for someone who is of good deen and character and ultimately a good Muslim will want to marry someone who is God fearing. If you want to get married, then prove that you are both grown up and sensible. The way you are currently behaving is not sensible. Prove to your parents that you are able to make well thought out choices, that you will not neglect your deen or ruin your education over a boy.

    So my simple advice to you is this:

    1) Make a conscious decision to turn back to Allah - because your soul is the most important thing you must look out for. So do tawbah now and do not give into your nafs again. Re-connect with Allah, now, before it is too late.

    Wael wrote something very beautiful in an article on

    "Be all about Allah and your connection with Him, no matter what’s happening around you. On Yawm Al-Qiyamah (the Day of Resurrection) it will be you standing before Allah. No one will step in to take your place. No one will dispute truth or promote falsehood. No bigot will harm you, and no lover will help. You and Allah, and all else will be irrelevant, so don’t wait until it’s too late. Let it be all about you and Allah, right now."

    2) Speak to your cousin and tell him that you will not have a relationship with him anymore and he will have to wait until and if you get married.

    3) Learn about your deen, read about the punishments for having pre-marital relationships and read about the rewards for doing sincere tawbah and sabr.

    4) If you still want to marry your cousin, speak to your parents, or another trustworthy family member. Let them know so the matter can be out in the open instead of a sordid secret. This way, your parents can progress matters.


    I appreciate that your parents may not approve of you marrying so young or even of your choice, but this is part of life. You must deal with whatever comes ahead with this matter, if you are doing right by your deen and Allah, this situation will become easier to deal with inshaAllah. And really it does not have to be a bad situation if you choose to deal with it in the right way. So step up to the mark girl, live up to your identity of that of a Muslim Woman.

    SisterZ Editor

  2. While in front of my grand father, I teased my cousin... she had long hair, I used to pull it and say "go horsey go!"

    3 years later... I ended up getting married to her...

    Quran 2:235 translation
    And no offense/guilt/sin (is) on you, in what you displayed/exhibited with it, from the women (in) request for marriage/engagement or you concealed/hid in yourselves, God knew that you will mention/remember them (F), and but do not make appointments with them (F) secretly, except that to say a good opinion and belief , and do not decide/determine the marriage knot/contract (consummate the marriage) until The Book reaches its known time/term (takes effect), and know that God knows what is in yourselves, so be warned/cautious of Him , and know that God (is) forgiving clement .

    From the above verse, there is no sin in hinting marriage to a woman. Either secretly or openly.

    Quran 5:5 translation:
    Today, the good things have been made lawful to you, and the food of those who have been given the Scripture is lawful for you, and your food is lawful for them; and the independent from the believing women, and the independent from the people of the Scripture before you, if you have given them their dowries, protected, chaste, and not seeking to take lovers. And whoever rejects belief, then his work has fallen, and in the Hereafter he is of the losers.

    From the above verse, having a secret lover is against the quran.

    You may also wish to ask your parents if your parents had breast fed you two, if that is the case then you'd be forbidden for marriage between the two of you as according to quran 4:23

    In the case of a physical relationship... before marriage, well... if you did something outside marriage and became married... you both may end up doing that same thing again before marriage to other people. This is something you'll inshallah have to stop. I've known some females who end up going through such a thing, they ended up becoming more sexual overt.

    • Ummer, please do not use the so-called "Progressive Muslims" translation of the Quran. It is written by an organization called "Free Minds" whose names are unknown and their agenda is unclear, though they are backed by the infamous "Rand Corporation" which has been key in orchestrating many of the wars against Muslim lands. The translation itself is weak, with many odd grammatical constructs and strange translation choices.

      Please use any of the mainstream translations, such as Yusuf Ali, Hilali & Khan, Umm Muhammad, etc.

      I also did not really understand your remark about pulling your cousin's hair. What were you getting at with that?

      Wael Editor

  3. i hope everything works out just fine for you googgirlgonebad

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