Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In Desperate Need For Advice As My Life Is Falling Apart

True Love

Dear Muslim Brothers and Sisters I am seeking desperate need of advice. I met a guy about 11 months ago and began dating him. I never had much feelings for him but his love and attention drew me to keep him around. I loved all that he did for me but he seemed very clingy and at times that overwhelmed me. I treated him wrong and was a mean person to him a lot of the times, but he still stuck around with me because he loved me.

As time went on I was realizing how much this man would do for me and I told myself I must fall in love with him because he's absoulty perfect and sweet and loving and safe.

Once he began to notice me showing these strong feelings for him the tables started to turn. He hated me having a past with other men and bring it up all the time. Sometimes he would even use it against me. He curses at me and makes me call myself bad names as he calls me them too. When he gets angry everything falls apart. He brings up my past, he brings up the times I never treated him right and any lie or mistake I have made he will involve it too. Even if it's a small argument about any little thing he will bring up my whole life story.

We both hurt each other badly. We both know our relationship is just so exhausting but our love keeps us together. On top of the many things, we swear on God's book, on God's name, and his prophets that we will never bring up bad times but every time we fight we break those swears. I fear that Allah is angry with me about that.

He doesn't trust me and he always thinks I am lying and he doesn't believe I can change. I love him so much I would do anything for him. Because he doesn't trust me he has many rules that become hard to keep up with and that also leads to a fight if I don't do everything how he likes it to be done.

I am beginning to feel hopeless and not good enough for him. I don't want him to leave me - I would be broken without him. I want him to trust me and I want us to have a healthy relationship and I want him to remember me as as a good person and not my mistakes.

How can I get that to happen?


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9 Responses »

  1. Let me tell you one thing, sister. Please take this advice to heart because I' m advising you as I would my own sister. If you leave him, you will NOT be broken. Don't ever think that you won't survive. Allah swt created all human beings fully formed, with numerous blessings. Before you met him, you were alright. But as difficult as it is, Allah gives us commandments in our deen for certain reasons. We just aren't allowed to talk to a non-mahram man, unless it's absolutely necessary and it's about something brief and serious. Nothing, especially involving a relationship. The reason why you feel this way, as far as I know but Allah knows best- is because things just aren't halal. I would advise you to leave. Don't speak to him, take his number out of your contacts, etc. The first week may feel like swallowing stones, as some would say.

    Try observing hijab and pray the 5 wajib prayers, if you don't do so already. Also, try not to stress. Do other things like attend sisters classes in the masjid, organize your room, call friends, eat your favorite food, read books, play sports. Do whatever you have to do to heal the wound. If it's causing you emotional distress, call out to Allah. The same Lord who gives you oxygen to breath, food and clothes and watches over you day and night.....the same one that sees you when you're seeing the guy, and most of us (myself included) don't give Him praise or thanks. He doesn't even require it. Allah swt loves it when we call to Him, mention His name, ask for what we want. 'O Allah, I gave this up for Your sake, because I fear You. I love you and please forgive me for my past. O Allah, please help me stay patient during this time....' or you can make any sort of dua you like.

    If you then feel like you want to get married, and you're absolutely sure you can tackle it, you can get your parents involved, or whoever is your mahram and guardian. It's hard, but it may be that Allah replaces the guy with a pious Muslim man who is much better than you could ever imagine. Because you trusted in Allah and chose Him over the guy you're with now.

    I love you because I'm your sister in Islam and you're my sister in Islam too. I know Allah looks down to us with nothing but love for His creation. Take care of yourself.

    Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

    (The prayers or dua that I usually say aren't a Sunnah or anything, just what I would ask in that certain situation- but how you pray and when is totally your choice- just wanted to clear that up!)

    • Salam,

      I think your advice is sound and clear, sister.
      I would also add that you (the questioner) should never let emotions rule over your life. Sometimes relationships work, sometimes they do not. DO NOT let yourself be abused and oppressed by someone else just because you ''love'' them. Love for others is a fickle thing; but Allah's love for you is not like that.
      At the end of the day, and forgive me if this is a hurtful thing to say but I feel I have to say it, when everyone is standing before Allah, even the mother will drop her baby for fear of herself. Do you see how fickle and subject to change these emotions are? The only thing that matters at the end of the day is you and Allah; not you and some other guy, or you and your parents, etc. Only Allah will ever love you unconditionally, and will be truly just. So please don't ruin your life, and maybe your decades long relationship with your parents, by engaging in a relationship like this which Allah has forbidden you.

      There are many men out there who say they ''love'' a girl just because they find her pretty; that's not love, that's lust. Would they still ''love'' that girl if she was 50 kilos fatter, or was a burn victim? Maybe not. I am not saying your boyfriend is like that, but maybe he is; I wouldn't know. True love is a tad deeper than that.

      It's upto you to make that choice; you can't carry on in a relationship where both partners are not respectful and considerate to each other. Add on top of that that yours' seems to be a Islamically unlawful relationship, and you are bound to run into trouble: if not in this world, then in the hereafter.

      Drop this relationship: it is haram. If you still love him and he seems to be reciprocating this feeling, consider marriage but do not become close until afterwards. Consult your parents or something. Hidden things like this lead to nothing but trouble.

      I am sorry if I may have come across as a bit harsh here, but I felt I had to voice certain things that I thought were wrong. Please consider my advice, but at the end of the day, it's your choice. And always look at it from the perspective of Islam. Not your own desires, or someone else's, for that matter.

      Assalamu alaikum,
      A concerned brother.

  2. Sister, you should leave him, it will be hard, you may also return to him multiple times, but ultimately you have to leave him. You are just attached to him emotionally, you do not love him, what love is borne out of hatred, abuse and manipulation? Like i said you are attached emotionally, and if you were to marry him eventually you would realise you dont love him. What you are scared of really is being alone, insecurity and independence, we all have it and dont want it. Insha Allah take the step forward, if you are meant to be, then Allah will bring you together 100% no doubt thatll happen, but you have to submit to Allahs plans, and through Allahs plan will there be more bliss, happiness and contentment in your marriage.

  3. Sister the relationship is already broken, the moment he started judging u and mistrusting u. I'm sure U heard before. Love is patient, love is understanding and kind. That man should understand thats ur past and it stays there. And if he loved u he wouldn't hurt feelings constantly. He brings up all ur flaws I think his supposed to over look them for the sake of the love he has for you. But if his looking for a way to part with you he will bring up all ur flaws to convince himself ur really not the right one for him! My experience, I did the same thing with someone I knew and eventually we parted ways cos I just couldn't stand his past and the way he lead his life. I hope Allah makes it easy for you to make a decision . Just tell urself the relationship is haram anyway and leave him before he leaves u. I know it will be hard.

  4. I strongly suggest you leave this man and this relationship it is haraam. I agree with all the advises above given to you please take note you deserve better.

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister, I am not going to suggest that you leave him because you aren't ready to hear that, instead, I am going to suggest that you start loving and respecting yourself.

    You love your soul by making it healthy through the best connection with its Creator, remembering Allah swt, relying on Him for Mercy when you need it, asking Him for strength when you are weak and realizing it is Him and only Him that loves you more than any creation of His could possibly claim to.

    You respect your soul by redirecting your focus on Allah swt commands, not by swearing on His book or Him or His prophets. You respect your soul by surrounding yourself with goodness and removing poison, be that a poisonous relationship, a poisonous addiction, or even a poisonous love for fulfilling one's desire. For what is love with another human outside of marriage but a pursuit of having what one loves? It is just poison that we rename love because of the emotions/"the high" it provides.

    Love and respect yourself sister, you are not doing that right now. May Allah swt help you to see what is best for you, Ameen.

  6. Your husband is very angry about things you have done in the past and how you treated him and to be honest with you I don't think he will be able to move forward any time soon. It is human nature for every man atleast a muslim one with strong believes and morals to act normal after what he knows about your past and I am sure you understand what I mean. I don't have any advice for you but I hope other young Muslim ladies can learn from your situation and realize your past is always be part of your life and it is very important Muslim women to stay away from all the degarading lifestyle that will hunt them in the future. I wish you all the best avoid confortation try to talk to him but if it doesn't work don't beat yourself about it and move forward and pray pray and trust Allah SWT will fix all the issues.W/T

  7. god bless you

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