Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In desperate need of advice related to marriage

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

Salaam everyone,

My question is regarding my marriage. I have been married to my cousin from the previous 3 years. I am extremely unhappy in this relationship and have 2 children with my husband. Ever since I got married my mental and physical health have deteriorated and my finances are in a horrible state.

I am a well educated woman with a degree from an Ivy League University. I was working from the past 10 years. My mother had been forcing me to get married since the age of 18 but I never found a suitable match. At the age of 26, my mother forced me into marrying my cousin who was studying in New York. My requirement for marriage was someone who is ahead of me in terms of deen and is educated like myself. I had never known my cousin because I have never been to Pakistan and have never met my extended family.

When we got married my husband was studying in a university and before the marriage he told my mother he had 1-2 years of university left. Upon marrying him I found out he was only taking general courses and not core courses necessary for his degree. Soon after our marriage he switched from University degree to a college diploma and kept changing programs. He was on a student visa and in order to maintain his immigration status had to continue studying. He used to also ask me to do his written assignments for him (his English isn't very good), which I did as his success meant a lot to me. After marriage, I kept going to visit him in the states on a monthly basis in order to sponsor him to Canada ( I had to prove the relationship was genuine). I slept on the floor of gas stations where he worked during night shifts. I slept in his car, I would sleep in a shared apartment which he shared with 3 other men ( this was something I had never imagined for myself). He would have trouble paying for tuition so I paid for his tuition. His money situation "became" very tight and I would even cook food on a monthly basis and bring tons of food for him to USA so he wouldn't have to eat outside.

I filled out his immigration documents and paid for everything in terms of sponsoring him to my country. Upon coming to my country, he did not follow through with his plan of continuing and completing his education. He seemed very comfortable living in with my parents for over 3 months. My mother would do his laundry, my mother would pay for his medical needs. My mother paid for his car as he couldn't afford one. I paid his car insurance fees. I wasn't liking how things were turning out at my mom's place so I forced him to move out and he moved to another city. Couple of months later I left my job and joined him and found a job in the city he moved to. Now upon moving there he again seemed to have financial difficulties so I would pay for the rent of the apartment. I also found out that I am pregnant and didn't want the child as I didn't know how this man would support me and the baby given his lack of direction and financial stability. However, he emotionally blackmailed and said you don't love me that's why you don't want my child.

After 2 months of moving out of my parents place and moving to the new city with him. He showed interest in purchasing a business. He had no money and didn't want to get a loan as it would mean paying interest which is haram. He knew I had a saving of 35 000$. When I married him I had told him I am saving money for my house and I want to travel the world and my mom's condition to travel is that I must get married. I told him I wanted to move out of my parents place right away and start my life. I want to go back to school for higher studies. Anyway, no islamic bank was giving him a loan, so I consulted my mother who told me she deserves credit for my savings as I lived under her roof and so was able to save that much money . She told me that as a good wife I should help support my husband's dreams so I gave my husband all of my life's savings to help stabilize him and his future.

The business did not do well at all, every month my husband kept asking me to pay the house rent I was pregnant and working at my 9am-5pm job and then working from 6pm until 2 am helping him at his business. He did not care about me during my pregnancy though he was the one that wanted the baby. He kept coming to me for financial support for the restaurant and for the house rent and bills. I would do all the groceries, pick heavy bags, work 2 jobs one unpaid (at the restaurant).I was in a lot of physical pain and lots of stress because of his business and finances. He was never there for me throughout the pregnancy. He was never my support system. When I had my baby I could no longer work so now I had no money and he couldn't afford me so he sent me to my mom's place saying I am only sending you for 2 weeks. It has now been 8 months, my husband still has no secure job, he can't afford me or the baby. He still asks me for money. He is in a lot of debt because of the business. I am pregnant again and he is not there for me and cannot support me in anyway. I depend on my parents fully who are both disabled and very sick. I feel like a burden on my parents and husband. I feel used and taken advantage of in every way.

I have always been turned off by dependent men and am completely turned off by my husband. I feel no love for him. I am detached from him and feel no connection. We do not talk to each other. I feel deceived by my husband. He was not the man he claimed to be when he married me. He mentioned knowing all of his haqooq towards his wife and that he will take care of all of my Islamic needs. Also, after we got engaged I found out many truths that he had hidden which made it very difficult for me to trust him. But I still married him because his family had made our engagement public, whereas my parents had kept it a secret.

Now, whenever, I mention he has never been a husband and instead just a dependent child he says it's just the circumstances I wasn't like this. He keeps blaming everything on his circumstances. I have developed deep anger and hate towards him to the point where I can't even look at him. I have lost my identity, my job, my financial security and stability. I have to lie to everyone about when I will be leaving my parents house. My daughter doesn't know what a father is because my husband is never there. I cannot go back to work due to my 8 month old baby and second pregnancy. I have a high risk pregnancy and numerous health problems which make mobility very difficult. I am very angry. I had children for his happiness but he has done absolutely nothing as a husband or father. I hate my husband so much that I cannot stop thinking of divorce throughout the day. My life was very peaceful before I married this man. I am now on antidepressants and in therapy because of the mental trauma this relationship has caused me. I am constantly sick and crying. I am bankrupt, stuck in my parents house with responsibility for 2 babies. Me and my baby have no health coverage in my mom's city so I have to keep travelling back and forth between 2 cities (average drive of 8 hours) with an 8 month old baby during pregnancy in order to see doctors for my high risk pregnancy and other health conditions.

I do not trust my husband nor his words. He says he loves me but he has every reason to love me. In spite of all the circumstances I continued to fulfill my duties as a wife. I took a lot of care of him, worked despite all of my health conditions during pregnancy. Lived off of painkillers in order to help him at the business. Took all the household responsibilities and his business' responsibilities. All the financial responsibilities all the while being a good wife. I would also send money to his family on special occasions. I got absolutely nothing in return. When I tell him all this he says he knows and he's sorry but he's stuck his circumstances never allowed him to be who he wanted to be with me.
He wants to be with me forever, but I have absolutely no desire to live with him, be with him, see his face, or even talk to him. I have extreme anger and hate towards him.

I had no idea he was studying just for immigration purposes and is lazy in terms of education. I had no idea he would drive a taxi after I sponsor him and not hesitate once before asking me for my savings and spending it on fulfilling his dream of having a business and then not be there for me after taking everything away from me. I feel cheated and deceived. he doesn't hesitate before turning to me for money even now when I have no job and am busy raising his child all alone.

I got nothing but pain and all kinds of loss from this relationship. I am incapable of forgiving this man and am contemplating divorce as I see him as a threat to a sound stable future. I have a gut feeling that there is a lot I don't know. I have a feeling that as soon as he finds financial stability he is more likely to send all money to Pakistan to support his family or sponsor them all here instead of thinking of returning my money or supporting me. Even now he keeps saying Oh I haven't made money and haven't sent money back home in so long, instead of saying I have to make money and return the money you gave me for the business or return the money I owe you on your credit cards. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and afraid for my future and my babies' future. I do not trust this man one bit. Ever since I married him all he talks about is his problems with me and my family. It's just all about him, his future, his circumstances, his pain, his suffering and we as a family have been providing financial  and emotional aid.

I am seriously thinking of divorcing him and have asked for a divorce. He is refusing and saying my circumstances will get better just wait a little longer. He also mentioned if he divorces me I will find another man as " I am beautiful" and he cannot see me with another man. He has also mentioned previously that his friends think I am beautiful and the ideal wife and my husband is very lucky (my husband also agrees with his friends and feels lucky to have me). Before, I married my husband I had numerous individuals interested in marrying me and my husband knows this through my mother. So, I think these thoughts are also preventing him from divorcing me. Although, I think it's also the fact that he keeps getting everything he wants and needed in a wife so he has no reason to divorce me.

He has not proved any of his words since we got married and I doubt he will in the future. I am at a point where I constantly complain, argue and cannot talk to my husband nicely, so I am not who I used to be. I do not respect him at all.  I have wasted 3 years on this man and everyday I realize he is far from what I wanted in a husband. I cannot give him anything anymore and don't even want him to touch me. He is just my husband on all the official papers but in my heart he has lost his place. Every time I needed him or his support he had one excuse or another. Every time he needed me I was there in less than a minute. My family recognizes I have given way beyond my means yet my parents don't want me to divorce him due to my 8 month old baby and second baby on the way.  But, I believe a single happy mother is better than an unhappy, bitter and depressed married mother.

I will really appreciate everyone's advice and take on my situation. Please guide me.

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10 Responses »

  1. Salaam alaikum
    Wow that is alot to happen in 3 years.
    Get rid of him
    Find a man to marry. This douche bag is worthless.
    Rely on Allah swt and focus on your kid and yourself. Being a good wife is useless at this point. You have an obligation to your child to do what is right.

  2. Dear KA

    Sorry to know of your state.

    You have every right & all the excuse to divorce him.

    However not actually get divorce but do make a life for yourself & your children. Perhaps give him a chance to make himself responsible. Let him fend for himself.He should realise that his wife and children are his responsibility & he should take it seriously.what you have spending on him is Sadqa and you will get reward.

    I wouldn't advocate divorce straight away.start with a temporary separation if it is possible, to give him time and also to be sure if that's what you really want. After all children do need both parents.it seems he does apreciate you.he just need to get his act together. Perhaps have a separate life show him how to live properly.?atleast your parents who are opposed to divorce would know you gave him plenty of chances even though you have no respect for him...

    not sure if that helps..maybAllah guide you. ..perhaps perform isteqaraH ?

    Regards
    ZS

  3. I will be honest, I did not read the entire post, because it angered me a lot after reading just a couple of paragraphs.

    First of all, you may have a degree from an Ivy League University, but your life choices and naive / gullible nature is definitely not of Ivy League standard. Clearly

    1) Your mother has screwed you over BIG time
    2) You married an actual toddler. In fact, I have met 3 year olds that are more independent than your husband

    I'm not even going to bother with a long response. Divorce this man, smarten up, don't go out of your way to baby and financially support anyone EVER again, and don't let anyone force or pressure you to do stupid things like getting married against your will, giving them all of your money, write their exam papers, etc.

    And tell that "mother" of your's to butt out of your business. Seriously, what kind of mother does all of this to her own daughter? What kind of mother sets her educated daughter up with some mentally regressed and uneducated man from Pakistan? When I hear stories like your's, I get reminded that the problems Muslim women face with their men is at least 50% their own damn fault. Because they enable retarded men like your husband, and marry their precious (or not so precious after all) daughters away to actual trash. As if they have zero standards for their girls. When you don't hold men / people up to a standard, why should they even bother making an effort?

    Seriously, get a divorce and let your country send your husband back to Pakistan where his mummy can teet feed him and wash his diapers...I mean, clothes for him.

    • Haha, I was just thinking; if lindita read this, it would make her blood boil . As it's common knowledge that she dislikes men.

      • Oh, come on, I don't hate men at all 😀 My mum and I were the only women in a household of 7 men (my dad and my brothers), and they are all wonderful and amazing creatures that I love and respect with all of my heart. I got married to man, too, and am livign very happily with him, so, clearly, I don't hate men 😀

        What I do hate, though, are people (regardless of their gender) that are stupid, lazy, entitled, greedy, selfish, hypocritical, backwarded, childish, etc. If you read my advice to this person, you'd have read that I didn't just criticize her husband, but I also criticized HER and her MOTHER for enabling this weird excuse of a man. And I specifically wrote that women often have themselves to blame for the problems they experience with men, because they have absolutely no standards for themselves. So, as you can see, I'm not pro or con men or women. I don't really care what your gender is, if you are being stupid, I will tell you that you are being stupid.

    • Hahaha great reply

  4. he seems like a good man. i say give this marriage some more time.
    yes you gave too much but i still believe things can work out as hes always trying.
    some other comments are very disrespectful

    • I say no. A big fat no.
      He doesn't seem like a good man at all. Bro, come on, you're a guy as well, would you really consider this type of a guy as an ideal husband? Would you let your own sister stay with such a man? I believe it's a no from you as well.

      Sister, You have to leave him. ASAP. I swear I had to hinge onto my teddy bear and punch it hard to vent out my frustration after reading your story. That's a shit load of mental and physical pressure to go through!! You have a beautiful kid and one more to come In Sha Allah, you know you're already in so much risk. I would suggest cutting contact with him. So that he doesn't call anymore to ask for money. Block him. Just Idk forget him. Because him being there as your husband and not being there as your husband has no difference.

      Yes single mothers do exist out there. And you're a very strong woman. You are one of the examples of girls out there who break the stereotypical statement that uphold men so much. You are so strong,believe me. You're a superwife and a supermom. You did it all alone up until now. If anything, the only thing your husband has done is contributed his part to give you kids which of course like you said, he couldn't even bother much about his fatherly duties.

      This may be a product of my imaginative mind after watching so many dramas,anime and Sherlock Holmes, excuse me, but I have a feeling, gosh this is gonna sound crazy but he's lying about his conditions. Not entirely lying but he probably earns SOMETHING and sends it off to Pakistan to his family. I mean after years of trying to stabilize, I can't really digest that he hasn't been able to find much success, that too in counties like Canada and USA. I may be wrong but that beats me.

      Let me just take a moment to comment on how much of a kid your husband is. Girls dream of being with a man. M-A-N. How is someone so dependable?? Even my girly instincts couldn't persuade myself to imagine being THIS dependable. Especially if I knew how much trouble I'm causing my partner. That's just insane.

      Actually my mom's been talking about my marriage as well. And I'm just 17. And she always keeps shooting warnings at me to not "fall" in love because she's going to "disregard" me as her child if I ever bring that sort of disgrace to my family. And she's only going to get me married to the man THEY think is best for me. Which reads out I have practically no control over my spouse. Plus my parents are very strict and scary. But after reading your story, I feel really bad. I understood you only got married to him because of your mom. You wanted to make her happy. I mean you didn't even know that dude. I really don't understand why parents do that??? Like are you gonna be sleeping with my husband or me??? It honestly pisses me off.

      But yeah,I really believe you're a beautiful woman in and out and you can get married to who the hell you want to You're young, you're educated, you can financially support yourself, you have a job as well MashaAllah. The only drawback is that your kids might have to live a fatherless future. But again, he ain't even carrying out that properly. Plus why do you give a damn if his puny ass is insecure about you remarrying? Please. Don't. Even. Think.
      I mean of course think. Think about all of this, Do istikhara and ask Allah for guidance.
      But if you ask this kid, then a definite no-no.

      Take care love. I pray things get easier for you.

      -VainTheGirl

  5. I cant believe after all he did you easily you gave your life saving. You stayed in an apartment with 3 men? No decent men would ever do that, but for you t agree to such a thing is crazy.

    When you found out lot of truths after the engagement you should have called off the wedding. Engagement doesn't mean a person must get married.

    After all you are a well educated woman, surely you should have stood your grounds? Having not 1 but 2 with a person like that is beyond belief.

    If he doesn't give you divorce you can seek khula. Talk with an imam at the masjid. Plenty of good men out there. For the sake of yourself, and children well being. Leave.

    Your mum is partly to blame.

  6. Salam,

    I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I don't see any other option besides divorce. It was a bad idea to marry this man and I think it's a bad idea to continue in this marriage. I recommend divorce.

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