Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am tired of my in-laws and don’t know what to do about it?

My in-laws are causing trouble in my marriage.


I'm 23 and been married over a year now, here's my story I would be grateful for all your advices.

                                    When I got married I knew my husbands family they are relatives of ours his mother was adamant she wanted me to be her daughter in-law so my mum agreed on this marriage and so did I. Alhumdulilah I am very happy with my husband he looks after me very well and I couldn't be happy with that but his mother has turned out to be different. She always backbite about me; she's always complaining about me that I don't do anything when I am the one that does everything in the house from cooking to cleaning washing clothes etc.
                                     My mother-in-law and father-in-law keep argue to a point where everyday there is arguments. I'm always the one to witness it as my husband goes to work and I'm left alone with his parents it's come to a point where I can't sleep at night because I have to listen out for their arguments. This all is really getting me down because everyone else on their family have their own lives and I am the one still here. My husband goes to work he doesn't have to deal with it. It's recently getting me so bad; I don't want to eat and I can't sleep and when I feel really stressed my husband doesn't understand. He gets mad at me and thinks I'm being moody all the time.
                                So brothers and sisters what do I do? I have mother-in-law whom backbites and hates me and then their arguments. I get the brunt of it then it causes problem for me and husband because he thinks I'm moody and doesn't understand that all this is getting to me. We never go out; stay at home just in case I'm in new area i don't know anyone here so I'm always stuck in the house 24/7.

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14 Responses »

  1. sallam

    what a terrible situation. firstly dont let it affect your marriage. your inlaw problems are there own dong nag your husband about it! thing is with elderly people they are stuck in there ways, if you tell them what to do they get all offended and upset when rationally they shouldnt!

    is there any chance you could maybe work yourself to get away from them during the day? if i were you i would focus on myself and my health! continue on pray, eat regulary, stress effects the body in a really bad way so being healthy and focusing on that is important!

    also moving out of a joint family is a touchy subject! personally i would not have lived in a joint family from the get go, but its a personal preference! thing is guys are posessive about there household and if you say hey i want to move out your husband could really be defensive with you! most men are not rational or practical! in islam its the mans job to take care of his fathers household but unfortunity her dumps his responisbility on his wife!!

    focus on yourself and your deen. to be honest i havent married so i cant realted but i can say that coping with stress positivly is important for your wellbeing!

    keep praying and stay positive!!

    Allah hafiz

    • I can't get away even to see my own family because if we go who will be at home to handle their fights
      I guess il have to live with this all my life

  2. Salamualaikum,

    Sister, your feeling is normal. It is the case with many people.

    But what is unusual is you said your mother in law totally supported your relation with her son, but changed later.
    You need to find the reason for the same. Perhaps she had something in mind when she chose you for her son, but you turned out to be different from her expectations.
    This could be the reason for her backbiting about you and disliking you.

    The reaction of your husband is normal, too. He thinks his mother is right, and you are ignoring her. He maybe intending to serve his parents to gain the reward of Allah, thus staying with them.
    Regarding joint family, if your husband has brothers and they stay in your house, then this is something un Islamic and should be taken care of. But if it is only his sisters, that would be fine, insha Allah.

    Now, the solution.
    You will need to have patience, bear the mother in law for her anger, be kind to her and try to find the reason she changed. See what she actually expects from you and if you can actually tweak with your daily chores to match her expectations.

    And see, the problem is solved. She is happy, your husband is happy, and you are happy.

    I pray to Allah that this happens
    Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • Basically she wants me to be like robot doesn't like it when I'm sitting she likes me being on my foot 24/7 she won't let me take over the kitchen like example I'm cooking I ask her what should I cook etc then she has to come and watch me cook it then keeps telling me to do things her way which I do but she's always watching me it makes me really stressed its like your at work and your boss is watching,
      Another thing she has always backbited about every one of her daughter inlaws hence they are all in their own homes and I'm the youngest daughter inlaw so I'm stuck here forever I wouldn't want to leave the house but she needs to start being nice and not always complain about things when nothing is wrong,

      Mother inlaw n father inlaw are still constantly fighting and even now I'm getting the brunt of it.

    • Brother mohamned waseem

      regarding ur comment about living with brother in laws being unislamic in some countries including europe people cannot afford to move get their own place with their wife. Or some parents want all their sons to live together in an extended family so what do you do then. Nowadays it is very expensive ur own place.

  3. Sister Sumaira,

    I understand what you mean.
    You spoke about two situations.
    1. When the parents want all their sons to stay together.
    2. Staying seperately could be expensive.

    Before I address these, let of tell you that staying together does not make it un Islamic in itself. The problem is that it is difficult to avoid the problems involved. There's a Hadith of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, in which, he said:

    "Beware of entering upon women." One of the Sahaabah said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?" He said: "The brother-in-law is death!" (Reported by al- Bukhaari, Fath al-Baari, 9/330).

    It is difficult to avoid the brother in law from entering upon the girl. This is why in many countries, when a man gets married, he moves to a seperate home. The warning of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam is something we should pay attention to.

    Regarding the first situation, parents wanting their sons to stay together is something natural. If there are arrangements in the house, enough to guard the women and the brothers in law WOULD NOT enter upon the women, then perhaps they could stay together, otherwise, they SHOULD consider other options, because the warning of Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam is something we should pay heed to.

    As for the second situation, then the following Aayah speaks a lot:

    Surah Talaq, from Aayaat 2 and 3:
    And whosoever fears
    Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for
    him to get out (from every
    difficulty). And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.

    This is what a Muslim's Imaan is. He trusts in Allah in every situation. Whatever happens in life, he says: Alhamdulillahi Ala Kulli Haal

    And: Hasbunallahu wa Ni'mal Wakeel.

    Allah is Truly sufficient. When one Trusts in Allah, He makes things easy for him and shows ways out. Alhamdulillah, I have experienced this in almost every major decision of my life. I thank Allah for it and Pray that He keeps His Help with me. Aameen

    Nothing is difficult, until we think it is. Whatever happens in life, good or bad, Allah is always there.

    So, this should not be a problem. If the people in Europe intend to move to seperate homes, then they should trust in Allah and go ahead. And Allah will show them a way out.

    May Allah Have Mercy on all of us
    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  4. Sister Mrs Muslimah,

    So there's the issue. Its the fight between the parents in law that has its effect on your life.

    And perhaps this is what has made your mother in law what she is. When a person fights another, he/she tries to release the anger on someone else, or satisfy oneself somehow. Maybe your mother in law finds satisfaction in backbiting, which is a sin.

    Your concern is that you are being governed by your mother in law, which you do not want. In this case, sister, you'd need to do something that would please her and she would start liking you.
    For example, in the kitchen, when she is watching you, you could gently ask her to teach you to cook something new, which your she can cook. Or ask her what she likes, and tell her that you'll cook what she likes for that day... Use such ways to win her heart.

    If you are successful, then insha Allah, the problems will vanish. Before doing these, you could even do Salatul Istikhaarah. Insha Allah, Allah will guide you to whatever is good for you in this, and will make it easy for you.

    Have patience and trust in Allah. Insha Allah, you'll find a way out. Be strong and wise. Do not lose hope. Allah tests only those that He Loves. So, be happy and move ahead. And if you think your husband can help you in any of it, involve him, too.

    I pray that Allah eases your problems and shows you a way out.
    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  5. Hello, I know exactly where your coming from, I love my husband more then anything so does he, so when we got married in states for our honey moon we went back to my country to meet his family marsallah there good people his dad is the best and mom, at times I know she didn't like me because I steal her son from her finding him a wife there, honestly my husband change alot when they went shopping togther and come home thinking his momy is right, so they do brain was them sometimes and now they will come to states for a while so I'll be where you at and I'm that time of person who just like to be alone me and my family, insallah Allah open a door for all of us. I know where you coming from Allah is watching us respect her as much as you can.

  6. My advice would be to first: Explain to your husband why you're so unbalanced all the time. All the stress will kill your balance and then you become moody. Second: Tell your husband you want a home of your own. Your husband has no right to keep you shacked up with his parents. Or: Get a job so you also have something to do during the day that gets you out of the house. You say you're new to the area... maybe you don't have transportation, maybe you don't have an education so it may be hard but I would tell your husband that if he doesn't get you out of the house, that you'll have to find work to get out on your own and also it will help you make your own money. I wouldn't say it to him as a threat, but tell him that you were a person before you met him and you're still a person will needs for peace in your life and you're taking it back because no one will give you peace but yourself, I can guarentee you that.

  7. Slams all,
    I am moving out of my house and getting married less than one month... I absolutely can't stand his family.. His mother keeps saying sarcastic jokes that I a. Gong to make her son starve and they really want usto live with them... she thinks her son is to good for me. I can't stand my sister in laws all they do is gossip and slander me and I swear by Allah swt I haven't done anything to hurt them (intentionally)... My heart is telling me not to go through with this marriage but I am worried I will never find anyone else. His not romantic he dos t cater to my emotional needs at all. Am i being a massive soak. Please help meee

    • wa alaykum as-salam. If you're not going to be living with them, then I'd say suck it up and go through with it. No one has perfect in-laws. Just keep quiet, don't react to them, and enjoy your time with your husband Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

    • Hey about to get married. Uno I've been married for almst rwp yrs nw and been dating my husband for 6 yrs none ov his family liked me cuz I was a different cast, I didn't even gt ne presents dey wernt even der for my wedding. My husband gane me a real good wedding an got me som gold. He is not very romantic an doesn't even cater to my sexual needs. Buh I gues wen u love som one u can help dem to becom a beta person u can't really change ne one. But if he loves u den he wil cater for ur needs. As for da in laws ignore dem dey juss jealous his whole family hates me an knows I've had relations wid him befre I was ¥arried an tink I'm a tart lol buh hu cares uno ur beta den dem juss smile an do wat eva is required. Pray to allah an if ur pure from da hart insha allah. Allah wil help u. I've learnt in one ear out da oda cuz I kno I'm beta den demm. Dey av nuting beta to do but slander people an dat is so wrong in our religion. Don't scoop to der level rise above my friend an see that der is no one beta den me ! X

  8. I fully understand you. You have to accept the fact that you are stranger for your mother in law I mean you are not her daughter that's why she will never think about you . And your husband will not understands your mood because he is man and he is outside the house all day. u should take care of yourself. If you cannot work, find something interesting to do (hobby, read books etc. watch moves). Try to make friends, go for a walk. You have to concentrate your mind on other things, when the argument begins just ignore and say that it is your neighbors are shouting to each other, if you cannot sleep listen to yassiin on headphones it really helps. You have good hubby it is your big happiness, what could you do if your husband was bad? I saw so many husbands who beat, take money and are very rude with their wifes. If you want to be happy with your (not your mother in law) try to be in good mood. Because man they love women who have smile on their face. You should not punish your husband because of your mother in law. You will live with your husband your whole life.

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