Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In-laws live with us and driving me crazy

Sister in law creating problems in familyAoa, I Am writing because i feel some things are not right  in my life. for people outside i have an ideal family being a doctor , wife of a successful engineer, being the only son of the family meaning ghar jaidad sab bete ka. no jithani devrani.

assuming i run all house on my terms. but in reality things are all different. i have 3 sister in-laws out of which 2 are abroad and one in city. My mother in law thinking she is a know it all has been criticising every move of mine from day 1 as i got married to her "iklota shehzada son".

it was an arranged marriage and i was chosen by my mother in law. my marriage was in a haste. i was about to finish my house job n my rishta done n marriage was arranged in 3 months. my husband though never said any bad things to me initially but would discuss with his family. i didnt know at start but i was hurt when i got to know n when i confronted he said u can leave if u are not happy with me. n any conflict he says the same.

he is very childish at times and i cant discuss matters of in laws with him as always leads to me being the bad guy so i just remain quiet. but its been 6 years now.how long can sum 1 be quiet at every constant nagging and degrading?

my family lives abroad but my mom stays in our home town half the year. n its a big relief for me. my main problem is my sister in law. apparantly she is always nice never said anything bad to me on my face so im also the same. but  having in-laws in the same city her house hardly 30 min drive from ours. she lives 24/7 at ours along with her hubby n kids. its convenient because of their jobs n kids schools. i mean who does that?

we both are from same profession though she is senior and done wid specialization and doing job n im in the process of it. its affecting our house. living in our house she never helps in kitchen or cleaning. she had her exams 2 months back n till then she was getting all the benefits of moms home. now i have an exam in a few months n my mother in law never considers helping me. neither considers me capable of doing something in my profession. she expects me to be ideal bahu, cooking cleaning washing clothes everything perfectly, while on the other hand taunts me of doing nothing in studies or job.

i dont know how to cope with all this. u become like a servant for your daughter and her kids n dont even consider taking care of your sons children. our house is a constant mess with my sister-in-laws stuff n her kids. they dont like keeping house clean neither organise n it cringes me. but even if i say sumthing no body listens. but they have to criticise every minute thing of mine.

my MIL is paranoid of ppl other than her daughters that they are only perfect and every other person in this world is flawed and scheming against her. if her daughter is so perfect why doesnt she stay at her home? shes not capable of taking care of her kids alone. i just dont get it.my mom raised 4 kids on her own abroad n many other women do that. is this normal to stay in your moms home leave your own home?

How should I handle this problem? I'm depressed all the time in my own home.

-depressedmom

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4 Responses »

  1. I'm sorry about that. For some reason I feel you. Girl islam is literally the best! 😛 ❤ According to islam, you are not obliged to take care of your husband's family. You don't have to cook for them or do their chores. Study for your exam and cook for yourself and your children, your husband can go a few days eating his sister's food. If your mother-in-law needs something, its the duty of her children to fulfill her need; her perfect daughter can help her with that. Also, what is wrong with your husband?? Tell him you won't tolerate being treated like this and he needs to have a talk with his family or he can provide you a different home away from them. Try your best to be patient with this family, and be wise with your dealings. Be respectful when you talk with them though, Allah is seeing everything you are going through and will surely reward you for your patience. ❤ Pray to Allah, make lots of dua for yourself, try to perform all the five prayers on time and engage yourself in constant dhikr when you're free. Assalam O Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

  2. You say you married in haste. Well, now you're paying the price for it, congratulations :).

    This is exactly why you don't rush marriage: You want to take your time to learn whether a man and his family are compatible with you, your family and your lifestyle. You rob yourself of this chance when you rush into a marriage. All you can do now is to get a mediator involved - preferably NOT a family member of your's or your husband, nor a religious figure. Something like a therapist would be ideal, because he or she is going to be professional and unbiased.

    If your husband refuses to see a therapist, or if therapy doesn't change anything, then you might want to accept that you made a bad and rushed choice - and you might want to consider a divorce.

  3. <<You want to take your time to learn whether a man and his family are compatible with you, your family and your lifestyle >>

    But still there is no guaranty that marriage will be happy one .
    Recent two posts in same website i read sisters getting married after spending some 3-4 years with men and got huge set back after marriage to the men they say the know very well .

  4. Wsalam Sister,

    In perspective of the cultural and traditional societies we live in, I would say. this is the story of almost all in-laws and joint family systems. No point in expecting them to do a U-turn and change the setup that has been serving them so well all these years.

    You have to find a solution. So, you have your exams soon. Can your mother come over and you shift to her place till you are done with your exam? Or better still, choose an attempt in which she will be able to come over and stay so that you can go to her place every now and then with your children.

    Secondly, I assume you will have some form of household help since you are a working lady, if not, hire one and start training her. If your mother-in- law creates an issue about it, be firm in your stance that you can not do it all inside and outside and since you have to continue working, better start getting used to this idea.

    Don't compare your life to her daughter's, just put down points of how you would like to manage things. My point here is that, there is no use of getting emotional and accusatory, you just have to figure out a way wisely and with as little as conflict as possible so that you can enjoy peace of mind in your preps as well as work and home. As you say. your SIL, has never said anything to you as such, so, maintain that cordial relationship, even if it seems pretentious to you. You cannot stop her from visiting her mother or doing as she pleases. Your husband does not seem too interested in involving himself in these issues,so, you have to go about devising a workable plan to fit in your work, study and relaxation. And don''t get too offended by the criticism or become defensive. If nobody listens to what you say about house keeping, why should you? Chillax.

    Thirdly, you need to build focus, and plan on how you are going to go about your prep and studying. When you plan, put things on paper and stick to it at least for a few hours everyday, you will see some progress in your studies and start feeling good about yourself. Also, do not compare your pace with that of your colleagues, each of us have our own battles to fight, you have to make sure each effort of yours is better than your last and that you are improving slowly but steadily.

    Do pray to Allah to ease your situation, He is the best of all Planners and Providers. All the Best.

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