I Have Been In a Livein Relationship With a Muslim Who Says Allah Will Not Forgive Me
Allah's Forgiveness Is Not Limited
I am not a muslim as yet. I have had 2 very bad relationships in the past but have 2 beautiful boy children out of them. I have within a year and 4 months met a mulism man and have become very comfortable with the lifestyle of being muslim. We have wanted to do the Nikkah for sometime now but everytime we get close to doing it he tells me we have too many problems that need to be resolved before we go through with it.
I am now 7 months pregnant and he was living with me and my 2 children and still have not done the Nikkah... He constantly tells me Allah will not forgive my past life and there is no hope for me. He gets angry when I can't give him what he wants (money) and his anger is very bad and scares me when he gets like that.
He has on 3 different occassions hit me very hard where i have had brusises and a black eye. He tells me he is trying to save me but I cannot be saved. The verbal abuse is what is hard for me to deal with as i am from a country where woman can raise their children without a man (but this is not what i want) I think my problem is more so I want a marriage, family, love.
I feel a woman is not complete without a husband to st.and with her throughout life. Allah knows I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes. Do i deserve everything he tells me? He calls me a w****, a s***, he tells me he can get better a pure woman with no children and who will listen to him and he can take her under his wing.
What can I do to be forgiven for anything I have done to upset him. I don't always have what he wants, he gets mad if I have to wake up in the middle of the night to see that the children use the bathroom and they do not have an accident throughout the night, he tells me he has to work in the morning and i don't care about his feelings and only care about my own.
I told him i can set an alarm on silent vibrate but he still got angry telling me he is a light sleeper and it will still wake him. Please help me, what can i do?
~ soon2convert
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Asalam alaikum soon to convert,
First off i want to say being a non muslim or a muslim a woman without self esteem is a tragic thing. A woman isnt a "woman" without a husband?? Sister.. You need therapy. You need guidance. It seems you are seeking love and it shows to this "man" as desperate woman. We all have a past and no one is perfect. This whole ideology he has is sickening. He wasnt thinking of a "virgin wife" when he married you. He is using you plan and simple! A true muslim would never do this. This is not islamic behavior. S
Leave him. If you are interested in learning about islam visit a masjid. Im sure there are people there to help you and guide you on the right path. Stop putting the cart before the horse! You seem to have a baby in every relationship without the commitment. That is not love but lust sister. Get a backbone . Tell him to leave. I would never consider marrying anyone that would hit me or sleep with me and create a child without nikkah first. Period. Forgive him as he is lost but forgiving doesnt mean to rationalize being a doormat
Salaams,
It is by the mercy of Allah that you are interested in becoming Muslim in spite of this brother's deplorable behavior. The first thing you need to remember is that there is no excuse for abuse. This is not something that should be tolerated once, let alone more than once. You said that you have had two previous relationships that were bad, so surely you can see that this one also is toxic. This man being Muslim is not going to erase that fact.
While he is making excuses about the nikkah and blaming you for your faults, he is the one actively sinning. He is abusing you, and exposing your children to it. He is living in zina by living with you but remaining un-married. He is treating you like trash and lying to you by telling you that you cannot be forgiven. He is asking you for money, which he has no right to at all. HE is the one that should be in fear of Allah, because someone in the state he is in awaits a fearful hereafter if they continue on in such a fashion.
Sister, the truth is when you become Muslim everything you've done wrong up to that point is forgiven. It truly is like getting to start life over with a clean slate. You can rest assured that when you submit to Allah, you are at that point able to go forward doing your best with your past behind you and Allah's support at every moment.
You need to leave this relationship right away and find a safe place to go. I am worried about the fact that he is abusing you while you are pregnant. I also fear,although you have not said it specifically, that he is hurting your other children (whether verbally or physically). Sister, for their sake, and for the sake of your unborn child, value yourself enough to leave this man and move on with a new life. A safe life. A peaceful life.
Sister, to tell you the truth, I'm a lot like you. I have lived a lot of my adult life not wanting to be alone. I have had a deep drive to have love, have a marriage....have the fairy tale. You know what? I wanted it so much I was willing to lie to myself. After years of putting up with things I never should have, I finally realized what you need to understand: women DO NOT need a man to be whole and happy. We need to find our wholeness in Allah alone, because there is no man who can meet those deep needs in us. They are only creations like us, and that need was meant only to be filled by our Creator. And yes, you deserve to have those needs met, and to be treated well and kindly by others, because Allah has deemed it so.
So please, sister, take it from someone who has been in your shoes and let this relationship go. Enter into a relationship with the One who loves you most -Allah- by becoming Muslim. Devote yourself to Him, and give him your dreams. He will never let you down, and He will heal what's broken. He will look out for you and all of your children in every way you need. As long as you keep hanging on to the hopes and dreams you are building around some very sick and destructive men, you are missing out on the beauty and fulfillment a real life in Islam has to offer.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamoalaikum sister,
I’m sorry to hear about your pain and what you are going through. Rest assured, there is hope so I’d like to first clarify the misconception of Islam your boyfriend has instilled in you.
When one converts to Islam, all their previous sins are wiped clean. You are entering this new religion as if you are a new born baby who is nothing but pure from sins. Your slate is clean. Your boyfriend is misinformed about Islam or may be saying all this to control you. Whatever the reason is, he is certainly not setting a good example of what a Muslim man should behave like.
Being in a relationship before marriage in Islam is strictly forbidden. Having pre-marital sex (also known as zina) is also a grave sin. Your Muslim boyfriend is: (a) sinning immensely and (b) setting a very bad example of Muslim conduct. He is acting like a hypocrite, putting you down and telling you that he can find himself a “pure” and “chaste” Muslimah. He is definitely in denial because if you are “unchaste” (and I’m not saying that you are) then so is he, because it takes two to tango and I am assuming that you are 7 months pregnant with his child without being Islamically married (i.e. having your nikah performed). Also, the fact that he keeps making excuses about marrying is because the truth is, he doesn’t want to marry you and probably never will. In fact, this is good for you because he’s not worth it. You deserve to be with someone who respects you, and doesn’t break you down because he suffers from low self-esteem himself.
Also, please note, with regards to your pregnancy, the child you will give birth to will not be a “haram” (also known as forbidden/unacceptable) child. This man may say this to you in the near future and even decided to drop you like a hot rock and refuse to financially support this child, but if you are in a Western country, make sure he pays child support. He is as much the father of this child as you are the mother. Don’t let me free himself from his obligatory duties as a father.
It is understandable that you are seeking love, stability, and commitment in your life. It’s natural for us to have the desire to want to spend the rest of our life with someone, but there is a right way to do and a wrong way. Unfortunately, your past 2 relationships and your current one have caused you a lot of pain. This is only because you have decided to be in live in relationships where there is not commitment and therefore when problems arise, people leave. This concept of dating is nothing but an illusion, which is temporary and does not consist of actual, life long commitment. If you ask my advice, I would tell you that this man is not worth it. He is emotionally and physically abusive. He has beaten you to an extent where you have physical scars (e.g. a black eye and bruises). You need to leave now. As a mother, regardless of which race or religion you’re from, it is your duty to protect your children. Having them exposed to such a toxic environment is detrimental for both their emotional and social well-being. You need to ask yourself why are you with such a man who is: (a) deviating from his religion and yet calling you “unchaste”, etc and (b) is emotionally and physically abusive. Is it because you are financially constrained or because you just want to be with someone fearing loneliness? Whatever the reason may be, it is not sufficient enough for you to stay with this abusive man. You need to end this relationship and focus on yourself and your children. You have already started deteriorating your self-esteem and are exposing your children to a dysfunctional “family unit”.
At the same time, you need some spiritual searching to do as well. It seems that you are genuinely interested in seeking knowledge regarding Islam. Instead of staying with this man who is setting a very bad example of our religion and acting in every way against it (i.e., by living with you, having sexual relations with you, disrespecting you, misinforming you about your conversion to Islam and how you will still be considered “corrupt” and “unchaste”) you need to go to a local mosque or make female Muslim friends who will inform you of what Islam actually is.
-Helping Sister
Soon2Convert,
I am sorry for the ill behavior of this man. He totally misrepresents Islam in every way. Firstly, he can not live with you without marriage (Nikah); secondly, the most serious issue is that he has limited Allah's Mercy by saying Allah won't Forgive you. He is not authorized to interfere in Allah's Decisions.
On the contrary, Allah Says that He Forgives EVERY sin on repentance. This means that if you truly believe that there is One God Worthy of Worship, you turn to Him and ask for His Forgiveness for your sins, however huge they maybe. Polytheism is the biggest crime one can commit. If Allah Can Forgive a polytheist when he turns to One Allah, then why not a person with sins much less in intensity?
I don't know what sins he referred to, but whatever they maybe, you can rest assured that the doors of Allah's Mercy are ALWAYS open for you. You just need to make an effort, turn to Him and Seek His Forgiveness for what you think is a sin from your past.
But, this could actually be done just by accepting Islam. Because when one accepts Islam, all his or her past sins, whatever they maybe, are forgiven. It is as though you are born anew.
Allah Says in the Quran:
In Surah az Zumar:
52. Do they not know that Allah enlarges the provision for whom He wills, and straitens it (for whom He wills). Verily, in this are signs for the folk who believe!
53. Say: "O 'Ibadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
54. "And turn in repentance and in obedience with true Faith (Islamic Monotheism) to your Lord and submit to Him, (in Islam), before the torment comes upon you, then you will not be helped.
In Surah Aal Imran:
128. Not for you (O Muhammad , but for Allah) is the decision; whether He turns in mercy to (pardons) them or punishes them
The Doors of Repentance are open until a person dies, or until the Day of Resurrection.
And it is written on Allah's Throne: My Mercy Overpowers My Wrath.
This Is The Lord. rest assured, you can hope for His Mercy, regardless of the magnitude of your sins.
Another suggestion I have is that you leave this man immediately. He will only make things worse. He does not deserve you.
I Pray to Allah that He Gives you strength to have patience and face the World
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
But by His Mercy, He shows kindness to His slaves, gives them respite and invites them to repent, and He accepts repentance and gives reward for it. How merciful, great and kind He is, may He be glorified and exalted.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And those who invoke not any other ilaah (god) along with Allaah, nor kill such person as Allaah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse ___and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.
69. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;
70. Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allaah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allaah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”
[al-Furqaan 25:68-70]
I would advice you to leave this abusive man and start a new and happy life, he is only with you for MONEY only nothing else. LEAVE him please sister for your God sake and your children and yourself
Start a new life by entering into Islam, learn Islam here http://www.whatsislam.com -
The scholars differed as to whether or not the child may be attributed to his adulterous father, if the woman was not married. Check here http://www.islamqa.info/en/ref/33591
Also, you will never find happiness in this world if you displeasing your Lord, you are displeasing him because you are into forbidden relationship, so get out this relationship NOW, because this is best for your hereafter and this world. Dont let your boyfriend be a source for you to end into hell fire. thanks
Sister soon2convert
I have one question to start: Do you believe that there is one God (Allah) and only he is worthy of our adoration , praise, and worship? And do you believe that Mohammad is His servant, and final messenger to the world?
If so, you are already a Muslim. Please go to the local Mosque (Masjid) and make this declaration in front of an Imam or someone there. They will know what to do. Nothing is more important to your soul, your future, the future of your children, the future of the child in your womb.
I am a convert, and before I converted, a friend asked me "What happens if you are in a car accident today and die? What are your waiting for?" If you are truly soon to convert, you must not wait. We do not know the will of Allah, we do not know when our time will come. Please, allow Allah's guidance to permeate your soul, your heart, your mind and take the step to conversion.
All of your past sins will be forgiven. As if you had never done any of them. You will be as pure as the day you were born.
Allah has chosen you out of all of the people in the world. He has spoken to you. He has taken the mischief of Satan (Shaytaan), and turned back on Shaytaan and used it as a mechanism to introduce you to the path of enlightenment, the path of following the will of Allah.
As the other commenters have said, this man is not acting like a pious Muslim man. I do not know him, do not know his motivation or his struggle, but he is not acting in an Islamic manner. You must seek assistance. You need a support structure because the coming few months will be difficult no matter what happens.
Allah will forgive your sins. But he will not erase history. There are consequences for the things you have done in the past. But if you take the right path, your struggle will have a goal, that is the path of a Muslim woman. You will learn so much from your mistakes.
You will have a tough fight. You may feel dispare, fear of the future, fear of the unknown as you find your path as a Muslim. But let me ask you this: Will you not also have dispare and fear even if you do not take the path of a Muslim? Of course you will. But the difference will be that you will have a clear goal, clear guidance. Your steps will be toward a grand goal, of being treated justly and judged fairly by Allah on the Day of Judgement.
If you stay on your path, you will not be expected to be perfect. Allah knows and understands our failings and has such infinite mercy that there is nothing you can do that he will not forgive you for, if you ask Him.
I offer this prayer (this type of prayer is called a dua) for you
May Allah sustain you, and may Allah grant you His best. Amin.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam O Alaikum soon2convert,
I second everything said in above comments, your boyfriend may be a Muslim but he certainly is someone you need to run as far away as possible because he is so taken by Shaytan (devil) that he can't see what is right and wrong and lying about anything and everything. You don't need this hypocrite of a man to tell you that your past sins are not forgiven, he is no one in fact he himself is the worst of sinners who knows it's a sin to be in a relationship with a woman who is not his wife and even went on to get you pregnant and not only that he is so evil that now he hits you while you are carrying a precious soul who he created himself.
Sister, I ask you what is so good about this man that you can't leave him? Do you think a decent, caring, loving man will treat woman like a doormat, physically/verbally abuse her, ask her money and yet had the audacity to tell her that she is a sinner and her past sins cannot be forgiven. As a Muslim we are supposed to encourage others to do good deeds and bring them to Islam by showing the best of manners and following the teachings of Islam to it's word. This man is exact opposite, he is like a sinking ship which will sink whatever it can. Please move on and study the life of Muslim women both in the time of Holy Prophet (PBUH) and now, there have been single, widowed, annulled, divorced, separated women throughout the history of Islam, other Religion.
You surely don't want your sons to grow up thinking that it's right to abuse their wives physically, verbally or degrade them rather than respecting, protecting, caring for and loving them. What your daughter (s) will grow up thinking? That it's OK for their husband to treat them as your boyfriend is treating you? No, I am sure not.
You said yourself that in your country, women can raise children on their own. Well, such women have been around all the time, when a woman thinks that she is worthy or considerable only when she is a wife or mother then this mindset creates so many problems. Abuse becomes normal for her and she bears all that just to be with a horrible, vile, evil man. You need to look at your current as well as previous relationships, and take some time to read about real Muslim men of history especially the Holy Prophet (PBUH) who was in polygamous relationship and had more than one wife yet he treated them all with respect, love and showed mercy to them.
Please start removing this man from your life completely, he is toxic to you and your children. Inform police if he ever raises hands again, disrespects you or your children. Inform his parents of his child, they may even don't know because many a times such man act like best, pious sons or brothers while sleeping around and getting pregnant as many women as possible and acting worst than animals. Oh, and do claim child support and if he disagrees then have paternity test and file for maintenance as he is as much responsible of creating this child as you are.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for you and show you the right path and alleviate all the difficulties in your path. Amin.
If you need further help than don't hesitate to write back but please consider what everyone said, it's only for the safety and well being of you and your children.
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
I just want to start off by saying I have tried to visit 3 different mosques now. The first one told me the Sheik wasn't there and he didn't know when he was coming back, I asked him if i can try back at a better time and he told me no... The second Mosque told me the Sheik wasn't there but didn't answer when i could come back, he just closed the door. The third Mosque i decided to call instead of going as I felt very unwanted at the first 2 and they told me that the Sheik only comes in for prayers in the evening time and that i wouldn't be able to talk with him. I am not sure where now to turn to... I have stopped seeing the man. And in return he has called me names and told me I am not worthy of a good husband and any man I meet will just use me or beat me. He said to not call him or tell him anything about the baby because the baby is coming from trash "meaning me" So it has been hard, I am trying to get involved in the Muslim community I live in but am finding it hard to be or feel accepted.
I Thank all of you for all your words kind or not, they were what i needed to hear. I am very Blessed to know that I will be Forgiven of all my sins, if I haven't been already by Allah. If anyone can give me some advice about getting involved in a Mosque Perhaps even being able to speak to a Sheik I will be much Thankful
Soontoconvert, I am deeply sorry to hear about your experience with the local mosques. It's very disappointing that some Muslims behave this way - but not terribly surprising. A lot of mosques are run as sort of a men's club, and women are not made to feel welcome. That doesn't reflect well on us as Muslims. It's something that is slowly changing, but we have a lot of work still to do.
If you like I can contact you to help with the process of becoming Muslim, or I can have one of our female Editors do so. We can also maybe help you find a Muslim community in your area that is more welcoming.
I would also love to know which mosques those were that you visited, so I can call them up and give them a piece of my mind.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother Wael, I am sure you could do a tour of the US giving these pathetic imams a piece of your mind. I know several of the masjids where I live run in the same fashion.
If the sister lives in the US I would be more than willing to talk with her insha'Allah.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I'll call it the Piece of My Mind Tour 2013.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I would appreciate if you could help me with converting and becoming the best Muslim I can be. I just want to know I am and will be doing everything right. I have already made mistakes in my past and I would Love to be forgiven and given another chance to become a better and more spiritual person with proper guidance. The mosques on which I spoke of are here in East York/ North York (Toronto) Ontario, Canada.
Br. Wael
We all could give you such examples of masjids where even born muslim single women (like myself) are rejected and not made to feel included in the ummah by narrow minded cliques of married women - i.e. if you really want to take this head on challenge...be careful what you wish for...this "Piece of Mind tour" may be quite a tour - LOL!!
I wont be surprised to hear that these "Shaikhs" are from the Indian Subcontinent. Ignorance is filled in them. Only few are highly qualified and knowledgeable. May Allah Save the Ummah from them.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
He is a terrible man that did not accept you from the beginning. I would never stand up for his insults.
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakkatuh
Islam isn't like Judaism. All you have to say is La ilaha illallah and Muhammad ar Rasulullah. There is no one worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad is His Messenger.
The Angels are witnesses and writing it down. Allah suffices as a witness. You could be in the middle of the dessert and say it.
It is the most horrific thing to say Allah will not forgive you. He has invented a lie against Allah.
Become Muslim, and leave this man.
Jundab reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said: “A man said: By Allah! Allah will not forgive so-and-so! So Allah Almighty said: Who is he who swore by Me that I will not forgive so-and-so? I have forgiven him and nullified your good deeds.”
[Sahih Muslim, Book 32, Number 6350]
عَنْ جُنْدَبٍ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم حَدَّثَ أَنَّ رَجُلاً قَالَ وَاللَّهِ لاَ يَغْفِرُ اللَّهُ لِفُلاَنٍ وَإِنَّ اللَّهَ تَعَالَى قَالَ مَنْ ذَا الَّذِي يَتَأَلَّى عَلَىَّ أَنْ لاَ أَغْفِرَ لِفُلاَنٍ فَإِنِّي قَدْ غَفَرْتُ لِفُلاَنٍ وَأَحْبَطْتُ عَمَلَكَ
2621 صحيح مسلم كِتَاب الْبِرِّ وَالصِّلَةِ وَالْآدَابِ بَاب النَّهْيِ عَنْ تَقْنِيطِ الْإِنْسَانِ مِنْ رَحْمَةِ اللَّهِ تَعَالَى