Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am in love but am I being used?

Confused girl

Decisions.

Hello, I hope the community can offer me suggestions/advice on a matter. I am an American Christian woman in my early 30's and about half a year ago I met a Middle Eastern Muslim man also in his mid 30s (for now I will call him “my sweety” so that I keep his name anonymous). Since we met, we have spent lots of time together and we communicate often on the phone. I have come to admire him, respect him, and care about him deeply.

Recently I suggested that we should introduce each other to our parents.  My parents are from Eastern Europe and it is customary that I bring over the men that I date to meet my parents out of respect for my parents (so that it is not seen as “sneaking around” or “scandalous behavior”).  However, my sweety rejected the idea and informed me that his parents would not approve of our relationship and that he prefers to keep things/us hidden from them.

At first I was extremely insulted. I am a highly educated woman, I am well mannered, I come from a good family, I have strong morals, and there is nothing about me that I consider “shameful.” After much research and reading blogs/forums such as this one, I was surprised to find out that “dating” in my sweety’s religion was not allowed. I did not know this until recently and he did NOT inform me of this rule.  Now it all makes sense why he does not want his parents knowing that he has been seeing a girl… a Christian one at that!

Please understand I have come to love this man, and I did not intend for our actions, in any way, to offend his religion and God.

Moreover his actions and his words have left me conflicted. When he is with me he acts so sweetly and affectionately. He calls and texts me regularly. He clearly likes me very much. BUT when it comes to the topic of marriage, he is adamant that he never wants to marry. He has told me that our relationship will not go further due to our religious and cultural difference. And yet, he still continues to see me and talk to me affectionately!

I don’t understand why it matters so much to him that his family would find our relationship inappropriate, but he completely disregards that this is, more importantly, inappropriate for his faith! It’s like he uses his religion as an excuse when it’s convenient for him and on the other hand disregards his religion when it is not convenient.

I believe people should be together with the end goal of possible marriage, NOT casually dating merely for the satisfaction of desires. I don’t want him using me because he thinks I’m some new doll to play with in the meantime. I know this might offend some readers, but there are some stereotypes of Muslim men using Christian girls for sex and toss them aside once they find a Muslim girl to marry (and NO my sweety and I have not gotten that intimate). I may not be a Muslim, but I am a good woman with morals and I want to rectify this situation. I do not deserve to be used!

I don’t want to continue this offense any longer. I would want to continue our relationship but I want to go about things the “correct” way and I understand that this would mean that our “dating” must stop. I have, without telling my sweety, considered learning more about Islam and possibly converting (I’d like to add that I would not be doing this BECAUSE of my sweety, but that I believe that God places people and events in our paths for a reason. Perhaps God has placed him in my path to introduce me to Islam).

So what am I to do? I love this man and I want to get married. I don’t want to offend his religion, and I am willing to open myself Islam. But am I being used? What should I say to him? What should I refrain from saying?

I know that the idea of marriage takes time, and I am willing to take as much time needed. BUT I do not want to waste time if he is just using me.  I understand if this post is confusing to read, but the reality is that the situation is just as confusing in my life. There are lots of issues here and I welcome any comment or advice on any one of these issues that you may notice. Thank you!

- Goodgirl

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36 Responses »

  1. He is not allowed to date for sure. If he truely loves you, he should ask you to convert and marry. Plain and simple. But it seems he wants to keep this relationship as Secret. Take your time. Good to see you've managed not to be 'used'. Fight for ur rights, if he loves you then u know what needs to be done. Good luck.

  2. in a very short response to your question: YES you are being used.

    And you are being used EXACTLY as the Quran (the criteria for right and wrong) has instructed men NOT to use women.

    Alhamdulillah you are looking and researching about Islam, Please do not look anywhere else and talk to anyone else but the Quran. Here is a link where you can download a pdf of the Translation of the Quran which is the most easiest and fluent to read

    http://www.linguisticmiracle.com/quran-abdel-haleem-english-translation-recommended-by-nouman-ali-khan-get-it-here

    I will especially draw your attention to page 94 of this book which is also (Chapter 5 verse 5) which applies directly to your situation. Below is a part of the verse:

    "...The food of the People of the Book is lawful for you as your food is lawful for them. So are chaste, believing, women as well as chaste women of the people who were given the Scripture before you, as long as you have given them their bride-gifts and married them, not taking them as lovers or secret mistresses..."

    The Quran is not a book just for muslims, it is guidance to all mankind. I will urge you once more, ONLY look at the Quran if you want to know about Islam.

    Secondly, I applaud your self respect and morals. You have done very well to withhold yourself from being played with and I strongly encourage you to keep doing that - even if your "sweety" threatens to commit suicide! (If he does there will be NO SIN on you!).

    Islam does not recognize any culture requisites, any bounds of nationalities or any other form of discrimination. the only distinction is based on "taqwa" which means Awareness of God and KNOWING that he is watching everything you do.

    What your sweety is giving you are lame excuses, it might be that his parents or other relatives disapprove of your relationship but this does not give him the right to exploit you AT ALL.

    There is no need to be pressured, you will notice the more you research Islam, the stronger your conviction about this issue will become and will help you understand your "sweety's" true intentions.

    My wife is also a revert (Caucasian American), and I loved her and stood against everyone because what I did not want to compromise was my religion. So I tell you this, it is very possible that he can do the same.

    Now my parents and everyone else understands and we are all getting along well Alhamdulillah.

    Feel free to post any more queries you may have about this - you are most welcome here and we all pray that Allah swt guides you and your "sweety" to do right and refrain from wrong. Ameen,

    Kind regards,
    Saqib

  3. Aslaam

    First:

    I would seriously consider breaking up with this man as not only is your relationship haraam in Islam but as you have said in your post - he is adamant about not wanting to marry and he doesn't want to introduce you to his family. If he really loved you then he WOULD want to marry you and he WOULD introduce you to his family.

    Second:

    You say you are a Christian? If so and if you are chaste then according to my knowledge, he is allowed to marry you WITHOUT you having to convert to Islam as People Of The Book (Christians & Jews) do NOT need to convert to Islam in order to marry Muslim men, however, I suggest you look into Islam and DO consider joining our religion as if you have children then if you choose to stay a Christian and he a Muslim then this could cause conflict with how they would be raised.

    Finally - inshallah Allah will help you out with your problem.

    Inshallah, may Allah help you.

  4. Peace be upon you Sister

    First of all I'd like to draw your attention to some points. That, you have to consider which part of the Middle East or family he comes from, because there are some families in some parts of the Middle East that will never support a marriage to someone far from the family. Some family may eventually agree to it, after a serious struggling by the man in need of marriage, but some will NEVER agree to it at all (whereas this family act is against the teachings of Islam completely), therefore in such cases the man will have to choose not to marry the foreigner in order to keep his family relationship in a good manner or to marry her without their support.

    So it will depend on where your Sweety is coming from and what he is capable of doing concerning his marriage with you.

    Let him tell you if he wants to marry you or whether he just wants to have an intimate relationship with you.
    If he wants to marry you, then he should introduce you to his family right away and then discuss about the marriage procedure. But if he says, his family will not allow him to marry you, and that he will marry you in secret without his family, in this case I will suggest that you think twice (maybe more than twice), and NEVER allow him to be with you intimately. Because if you follow your emotions and the love you have for him, and allow him to have intercourse with you before marriage, he will continue to do that with you and he will never marry you-he will just keep on postponing the marriage till he gets rid of you and damp you and go marry the Girl his family have found for him or he found for himself.

    If he is a good Muslim and he loves you, he won't feel okay dating you those months and not talking about marrying you. There is no dating in Islam, but when a good Muslim man approaches you then his intention is about marriage, but if he does not like to hear the marriage speeches, then his intention is something else, and that disqualifies him to be a good Muslim. If he is a good Muslim, he wouldn't have exceeded that month being with you without talking to you about whether you will convert to Islam and marry him or you will marry him without converting.

    Though I am just trying not to judge the kind of person your Sweety is since I do not know anything about him, but at the same time I can guess that his intention is not good. He is not thinking about marrying you at all, and if you do not wake up and move forward he will end up using you and damping you- And the pain after that damp will be more painful than how you will feel if you left him today. Think very well about what he said to you about marriage and be very smart Sister:

    You mentioned the following:

    """Moreover his actions and his words have left me conflicted. When he is with me he acts so sweetly and affectionately. He calls and texts me regularly. He clearly likes me very much. BUT when it comes to the topic of marriage, he is adamant that he never wants to marry. He has told me that our relationship will not go further due to our religious and cultural difference. And yet, he still continues to see me and talk to me affectionately!"""

    According to your above statement, your Sweety says he cannot marry you due to your religious and cultural difference, but it's NOT really true when he said, it's because of the religious difference, since Islam allows a Muslim man to marry a good Christian woman like yourself.

    The Almighty God says in the Holy Quran:

    """ Today all good things are made lawful for you. And the food of those (Jewish and Christians) given the Scripture is lawful for you, and your food is lawful for them. So are chaste believing women, and chaste women from the people (Jewish and Christians) who were given the Scripture before you, provided you give them their dowries, and take them in marriage, not in adultery, nor as mistresses. But whoever rejects faith, his work will be in vain, and in the Hereafter he will be among the losers...""" Quran chapter 5 verse 5.

    However, I admit that he was truthful when he said it's because of the CULTURAL difference, because that's the only thing that may prevent him from marrying you.

    All I can understand he is trying to tell you now is that, "WE BOTH CANNOT BE MARRIED TO EACH OTHER, BUT WE CAN STILL BE TOGETHER AND HAVE FUN WITH EACH OTHER, TILL WHEN WE ARE READY TO LEAVE AND MARRY SOMEONE WE CAN MARRY".

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Anyway, as to your desire to learn Islam and convert to it, that's a good idea and we are glad to welcome you back home because you are one of our sisters. Don't give up even if you are not able to marry your Sweety. It might be a trial from God to test you, whether you will proceed in learning Islam and converting or you will just forget it since you can't marry your Sweety anymore. What you should know is that, if you rely on God and do things wholeheartedly for His sake, then He The Almighty is capable of giving you someone -a Muslim- far better than your Sweety.

    All the messengers that came from God brought the same message which is to worship The Almighty God alone, and it means that the real religion in the sight of God is still Only One Religion (Peace). Many messengers where being sent to us, just to renew our faith in God after each messenger, due to our weakness and also to introduce us to some new laws. However, many religions appeared today because, some generations refused to believe in a new messenger that was sent to them, so they sticked to the OLD message and laws alone, and they became known by the name or title of their former messenger.

    For example: The Jewish believed in Moses when he came to them, and God loved them for that, and when Jesus came some of the Jewish believed in him and some did not, and those who believed in Moses and Jesus and followed their teachings became the Christians and God loved them for that. And finally, Muhammad was sent to the world, and a lot among the Christens, and a little among the Jewish in addition to some Arabs who were following the path of Abraham through Ishmael and whom became polytheists after they left that path, they all believed in Muhammad when he came and became known by the real name of God's religion (Which is "Islam-Peace", so they were called "Muslims" which means the people who surrendered to God and follow His religion, the religion of peace). Therefore Muslims were not known by the name "Muhammady" because they did not believe in only Muhammed but they were commanded to believe in all the messengers that were sent, since Noah, Abraham, Moses Jesus, Muhammad in addition to all other messengers. And none is considered a complete believer in Islam without believing in the message and teachings of all the messengers together.

    The Almighty God Says to Muslims in the Holy Quran:

    """Say, “We believe in God; and in what was revealed to us; and in what was revealed to Abraham, and Ishmael, and Isaac, and Jacob, and the Patriarchs; and in what was given to Moses and Jesus; and in what was given to the prophets—from their Lord. We make no distinction between any of them, and to Him we surrender.” """Quran Chapter 2 verse 136

    My Dear Sister, The almighty God is saying in the Holy Quran, and He actually is talking about the Jewish and Christians, who convert to Islam. I quote:

    """You will find that the people most hostile towards the believers are the Jews and the polytheists. And you will find that the nearest in affection towards the believers are those who say, “We are Christians.” That is because among them are priests and monks, and they are not arrogant.
    And when they hear what (The Holy Quran) was revealed to the Messenger (Muhammad), you see their eyes overflowing with tears, as they recognize the truth in it. They say, “Our Lord, we have believed, so count us among the witnesses.”
    “And why should we not believe in God, and in the truth that has come to us, and hope that our Lord will include us among the righteous people?”
    God will reward them for what they say—Gardens beneath which rivers flow, where they will stay forever. Such is the reward of the righteous. "Quran Chapter 5 verse 82 - 85.

    And again Allah says in the Holy Quran:

    """We have delivered the Word (The Holy Quran) to them, that they may remember.
    Those (Jewish and Christians) to whom We gave the Scripture before it believe in it.
    When it is recited to them, they say, “We have believed in it; it is the truth from our Lord; we were Muslims prior to it.”
    These will be given their reward twice (for believing in the scriptures before Islam and then believing in the Quran when it was recited to them), because they persevered; and they counter evil with good; and from Our provisions to them, they give.
    And when they hear vain talk (When they are being told by others, do not to convert to Islam!), they avoid it, and say, “We have our deeds, and you have your deeds; peace be upon you; we do not desire the ignorant.”Quran Chapter 28 verse 51 – 55

    Hope this helps by the willing of The Almighty God, and I wish for you all success and the best

  5. since he has said himself that your relationship cannot go further I would say he is just using you. I would suggest giving him an ultimatum, either to marry you or leave.

  6. In another Quran Site (reading and listening in English), you can include it to the one Bro Saqib provided above:

    http://www.clearquran.com/index.html

    Though, I love this site because the translation is very clear.

  7. Good girl. Dont change yourself for a man. And dont convert your religion unless you feel in your heart that you want to...not for a man..BECAUSE if it isnt heartfelt you will not accept it fully. Be yourself.even as a non muslim you know he is using you..luckily you havent been intimate with him..what more answers do you need? muslim or non muslim...men should respect women but we are confined to what we see as religiously and morally acceptable.he is just buying time and he knows you are desperate so he is holding you by a string...if a man does that..i wouldnt even want him for a husband..i dont fancy men that take advantage of women's emotions..even if the body isnt involved as of yet.

    and btw even as a muslim i dont understand the point of introducing a man to your parents if you arent getting married? what will that accomplish? People in general will take as much as they can if it is FREE. are you a commodity? treat yourself as one. if you are christian and that is where you are content be that..dont change yourself for a man..becos he wouldnt for you.

  8. Dear mam
    Glad to know you and your ethics-
    so that it is not seen as “sneaking around” or “scandalous behavior”).
    THE PERSON YOU MENTIONED IS JUST A TIME PASSER OR YOU CAN SAY A PASSER BY- HE HAS NO ETHICS LIKE YOU AND IS A SELFISH PERSON BY NATURE TAKING YOU FOR A RIDE-THATS ALL-
    “And from misery is that you love,
    and (the one) who you love, loves NOT YOU BUT HIS SELFISHNESS....
    or that you want good for a person,and he wants to hurt you.”
    THE THING CALLED LOVE BEFORE MARRIAGE IS ACTUALLY INFATUATION LOVE TAKES BIRTH WITH CONSENT OF THE CREATOR THAT IS NIKAH IN WHICH WE MAKE ALLAH THE WITNESS NOT ANY IDOL OF THE MAN MADE RELIGIONS[FALSE GODS]
    COMING TO THIS
    I have, without telling my sweety, considered learning more about Islam and possibly converting (I’d like to add that I would not be doing this BECAUSE of my sweety, but that I believe that God places people and events in our paths for a reason. Perhaps God has placed him in my path to introduce me to Islam).
    http://creatorstruth.ning.com/video/muslim-demographics-2
    YOU ARE ALREADY A BORN MUSLIM-
    "Every new-born child is born in a state of MUSLIM[SUBMISSION. Then his parents make him a Jew, a Christian or a Magian. THE LAWS OF NATURE ARE SUBJECT TO THE WILL OF GOD,AS THE NATURE ALSO IS SUBJECT TO THE WILL OF GOD-AND ALL THAT IN IS THE HEAVENS & THE EARTH IS BORN UNDER LAWS OF NATURE EVERY THING THAT EXISTS - IS A MUSLIM. [SUBMITTED]TO GOD

    The Primordial Covenant "And [remember] when your Lord brought forth from the Children of Adam, from their loins, their seed, and made them testify of themselves, [He asked]: "Am I not your Lord?" They said "Yes, we testify!" Lest you should say on the Day of Resurrection: "Of this we were unaware[Quran, The Heights 7:172]
    So if they dispute with thee, say: "I have submitted My whole self to Allah[ ONE GOD] and so have those who follow me." And say to the People of the Book[CHRISTIANS] and to those who are unlearned: "Do ye [also] submit yourselves?" If they do, they are in right guidance, but if they turn back, Thy duty is to convey the Message
    FOR YOUR RIGHT GUIDANCE AND DIRECTION -
    PLS START WITH THE MASTER OF PRIESTS BOOK MUHAMMAD IN THE BIBLE-
    http://islamicweb.com/?folder=bible

    KNOW THE STATUS OF JESUS IN THE KINGDOM OF GOD ON EARTH [ISLAM]
    CLICK THIS-
    http://www.cyberistan.org/islamic/jesusq.htm

  9. Peace be with you Sister,

    I just want to say that I am sorry for your situation. I agree strongly with the above commentors. I will pray for the best for you Dear Sister.

    Hana

  10. I can empathize with your situation: I do not feel you are being used, it sounds to me that since you have not gotten intimate that you have a lovely friendship. Yes, dating in Islam is wrong, that's his wrong not yours. He understands that. He is wrong in being so absolute with you. Is he saying that he does not want to marry any one ever or marry you ever?
    You need to consider a few things as well: what is considered "normal" or "respectful" to parents in other countries (or their off-spring) is not the norm in most Middle Eastern Countries. they do not bring a girl/boy home for introductions for the most part, this is usually arraigned or someone knows someone and the parents aunties or elders fix this and then the two meet, so really he is not being disrespectful in the full sense of the word, now you did not know what was going on now you do, as to respects to that. Religion is a main factor as it is in most religions, however, not most religions regard it with as much degree as Islam, a lot can fall apart when there are two different religions and different cultures. Its not only important to learn of Islam, his culture is important as well, and so is your will they be able to mesh together? These are things that he looks at even if he is not verbalizing them to you, Will you be the first non middle easterner in the family? This could be a stigma that he is not willing to venture into, its the unknown. There are a lot of reasons is what I am trying to get across other then being used.
    In my experieance, and purely just my experieance, the Middle Eastern men (my loving husband) and all the males in his family, are not the most expressive men, oh do not get me wrong they are blunt and can say what they want to say, But, they can not explain what they are feeling.if you have asked him to explain this and he is does not want to or acts as if he does not want to, it may simply mean he does not know how or he feels just by saying the words, means he already did and does not get what you do not get, but is wondering why you are getting it the way you are getting it.
    I think it is wonderful and a blessing you feel God brings people to where they are and feel that perhaps your sweetie may have lead you to Islam. If that is your true true heart feeling then accept that. It may not mean he is the one you will marry. He might be, but do not try to find signs that are not.
    You mentioned that you are with out your sweetie knowing looking into Islam. My suggestion here would be for you to be open with him, as to not make him later feel as though you are pushing him up against a wall, by that I mean, converting and saying sweetie i have a surprise, we can get married I am Muslim now. (I AM NOT SAYING THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING) I am saying he may see it that way. What I would do and again this is just me, I would go to face to face, not text not phone, not in public, just face to face, comfortable chat with him, tell him the truth, tell him, you know i was offended at first when you wouldn't met my family and you said this, and when you said this. and it confused me when you said this or that, because you felt you were in one direction and that made you feel he was in another. Then tell him, that you wanted to know more about his culture and religion, you can tell him that because and only because he stated that already. And let him know like you had an ahha moment that you see the concerns, that you are not the only one with concerns and that he has his and acknowledges yours your parents and his parents.
    I applaud you for your desire to keep him on the right path as well as yourself.
    I know this is not a "traditional" answer, I have been on both sides of the fence, i have learned from experience, I did not just revert to judge others, thats not my job that is for Allah and Allah alone. I could sit down and quote to you many many things, important words, they would not be lost on you, but they would not have the meaning that I would want them intended. I have seen many woman in your situation over many years, I lived in the Middle East and have seen many come bright eyed and ready to get em so to speak, and I have seen many of the same woman leave confused and wondering what happened. Ask many question, talk be open about your doubts concerns, and wishes. I am Muslim for Allah, I wear my scarfs for Allah, for me not my husband and his family, these are their traditions, that I happen to agree with because of Islam and have decided not to question because others have and do. And these are things that I am wondering if he wants in his wife as well. Just ask. But do not do things without him knowing, you do not want him to hide you do not hide you are trying to find him. I hope this makes some sort of sense, I am not the best are writting it I could talk for hours about it on the phone and make more sense. 🙂
    May Allah Bless you and Guide you

  11. Thank you all so very much for your thoughtful and honest advice. I have taken everything said to heart. I will have a heart to heart conversation with my sweety, and after that I will leave it in Gods hands. Please keep me in your prayers 🙂

  12. Editor, is there anyway to request a persons email or leave my own for further contact?

    • Goodgirl, if you have any question you can ask it here. In sha Allah, the persons you address them to, may reply.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • goodgirl, whose email do you want, and why?

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Wael, my intentions are good and your community has been so helpful. I would love to make friends and keep contact with another good Muslim woman. You see, I have no Muslim friends of my own for encouragment or guidance. Learning about Islam is very intimidating for me to go at it completely alone. But I understand the policy of anonymity as a safety measure.

        • Goodgirl,

          I have a suggestion - Give the Quran a fair chance, dont talk to anyone, dont seek advice, just give yourself sometime off and at your ease, read the Quran. However little or much you can.

          If you have any queries regarding it, please post them here - insha Allah we are all here to help.

          Regards,
          Saqib

        • Salamun alaykum

          Your first relationship is with your Lord. So take care of that first and become a Muslim. If you submit, your past will be wiped out and you will start anew.

          I would be extremely cautious of this man....I don't trust him and he sounds like a lot of trouble. Stay safe because he can hurt you in many possible ways.

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4i-8XwCK_w

          You should know, the concept of trinity wasn't set until a few hundred years after Jesus salawatu wasalamu alayhi.

          Arians and Athanasians were at a pretty heated conflict. There were various different sects of Christianity however I think it was Constantine who got the basis of the the current version to win.

        • Hello sister,

          As our brothers and sisters have pointed out here, the only issue here seems to be the guy using religion to avoid marriage,but hey who am I to judge, Only Allah knows best about the guys intentions.

          I think you are being used to a certain extent, but since you say it has not gone physical yet, I assume that this could be the reason he is sticking around or maybe he is really legit but fears his parents and culture both are not valid reasons for you to have a relationship with him.

          Ask your sweety about this ayah

          1- Surah An-Nur: 30

          states: “Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do.”

          Question:
          Can a Muslim man marry a Christian or a Jew? Please explain. - Sheikh Tahir

          Answer:
          It is permissible for a Muslim man to marry a woman from the People of the Book (i.e. the Jews and the Christians), only if they fulfill certain criteria. Allah (swt) says:

          “And (Lawful in marriage are) chaste women from among the believers and chaste women from among those who were given the Scripture before you…”

          [Surah Al-Maidah 5:5]

          Based on the above verse, most of the scholars say that a Muslim man can marry any woman who is a Jew or a Christian. On the other hand, if we read the Qur’an as a whole, Allah (swt) also says that Muslims are not allowed to marry Mushriks i.e. people who associate partners with Allah (swt).

          “And do not marry Mushrik (polytheistic) women until they believe. And a believing slave woman is better than a polytheist, even though she might please you.”

          [Surah Al-Baqarah 2:221]

          Moreover, we find that the Jews and the Christians too associate partners with Allah (swt). Says Allah (swt) in the Glorious Qur’an:

          “They (Jews and the Christians) have taken their scholars and monks as lords besides Allah, and (also) the Messiah, the son of Mary. And they were not commanded except to worship one God; there is no deity except Him. Exalted is He above whatever they associate with Him.” [Surah At-Tawbah 9:31]

          The Christians, who claim that Jesus (pbuh) is God as well as the Son of God, insist on the supposed divinity of Jesus (pbuh) and worship him as such.

          “They have certainly disbelieved who say, “Allah is the Messiah, the son of Mary” while the Messiah has said, “O children of Israel, worship Allah, my Lord and your Lord.” Indeed he who associates other with Allah – Allah has forbidden him paradise and his refuge is the fire. And there are not for the wrongdoers any helpers.” [Surah Al-Maidah 5:72]

          From the above-mentioned verses and many such verses of the Qur'an, it is very clear that almost all the present day Jews and the Christians are committing shirk by joining partners with Allah (swt).

          Apparently, it appears to be a “contradiction” in the Qur’an, since at one place Allah (swt) forbids Muslims from marrying Mushriks, whereas at another place He allows Muslim men to marry women from the Jews and the Christians, most of who as per the Qur'anic narrations are Mushriks too i.e. those who associate partners with Allah (swt).

          In another verse of the Glorious Qur’an, Allah (swt) conciliates all the above verses by informing us that among the Jews and the Christians there are also people who are true believers i.e. they believe in only one God and do not associate partners with Allah (swt). It says,

          “Among them (Jews and the Christians) are believers but most of them are defiantly disobedient.” [Surah Ali Imran 3:110]

          Therefore, according to me, Muslim men are permitted to marry only those women from the People of the Book (i.e. the Jews and the Christians) who are chaste as well as who do not commit shirk i.e. those who do not believe in trinity and Jesus’ (pbuh) divinity.
          And Allah Knows the Best.

          • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa baraaktuh

            Helpless Slave, that is a COMPLETELY wrong fatwa.

            ALL Jews and Christians are Mushriks in the ultimate sense and only modern day deviants deny this.

            Yes, the Quran prohibits us from marrying mushriks who are not from the People of the Book however we are allowed to marry women from people of the book.

            As for this ayah which this jahil shaikh has chosen to cite, let me just say this-of by this:
            “Among them (Jews and the Christians) are believers but most of them are defiantly disobedient.” [Surah Ali Imran 3:110]

            SubhanAllah, this "shaikh" most certainly has not read the tafsir of this ayah of the Quran and is most certainly taking it out of context. I'm not going to even try to explain the ayah except I will show this man has serious problems in his understand of iman. No sheikh, definitely not of Ahlus Sunnah Wal Jama'ah,

            1) Iblis knows that Allah is one Lord yet Allah says he was from the disbelievers.

            2) Didn't the people of Pharoah arrive at certainty and still reject the message?

            Iman is not just in the heart as deviants might say, but it is in action as well!

            ALL those who are not Muslim are those who have disbelieved and for them in the akhirah is jahannam.

            http://www.islamqa.info/en/ref/67626/Jews

            I think there are more fatwa on Islam QA which make it clear that a Muslim is allowed to marry a Jewish, Catholic or Protestant woman, who fits those conditions.

            All those women who hear of Islam however and die upon other than Islam must inevitably enter Jahannam.

        • Subhana Allah I was amazed at the part where you said

          "I’d like to add that I would not be doing this BECAUSE of my sweety, but that I believe that God places people and events in our paths for a reason. Perhaps God has placed him in my path to introduce me to Islam"

          I think Allah has already opened you towards his guidance. If you are looking for some pointers towards Islam, I think the best place to look for is the Qur'an and I think this Surah could/should amaze you.

          Surah Maryan(Mary)
          http://quran.com/19

          Suran Ala- Imara
          http://quran.com/3

          Also A useful clip which could point you about a Former Christian Youth Minister who was a studying to be a textual critic of the bible ,embraced Islam after reading the bible from cover to cover

          How the Bible Led Me to Islam: The Story of a Former Christian Youth Minister - Joshua Evans
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYMKQKSV0bY

          What's Islam? Islam in Brief - Yusuf Estes (Former Christian Preacher)
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsmYQl...

          American Convert goes through JIHAD - "I lost my wife, house and guest house" - Dr. Laurence Brown

  13. If the respected editors will allow it, I can let my wife provide her email address for you to contact her. She is a good Muslim just as you are a good Christian. She made a little comment above and she would be glad to be your friend and share thoughts with you. She lives in Upstate New York.

  14. Brother Issah, I don't think it is required. The sister can ask whatever she wants on this page, in sha Allah.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. Ok. Brother Abu Abdul Bari. Thank you very much. And I hope the Sister will continue to ask questions here and we will all assist her Insha'Allah. Though I think she needs some motivations, especially concerning her desire to learn about Islam. And she can be motivated well if she has good Muslim sisters as friends. But again I think she can look for any Islamic centers in the U.S, where she can be able to learn much about Islam and maybe make some friends with Muslim Sisters over there Insha'Allah.

    Also, it would be very nice and appreciated if your female editors could continue to correspond with this Sister privately… May Allah reward you for your good service!!!

    May Allah assist you Sister

  16. ASSALAMALAIKUM
    DEAR ABU ABDUL BARI BROTHER-
    PLS SEE MY ANSWER IN THESE COMMENTS ALI YOUSUFF March 19, 2013 • 1:57 am

    I AM WELL VERSED WITH COMPARATIVE RELIGION AND EXPERIENCED ABOUT 40 YEARS WITH PRIEST AND NUNS AND EXPERIENCED IN GIVING THE RIGHT DIRECTION ON ALL SUBJECTS FROM JESUS MISSION TO THE FALSE CLAIM OF THE JEWS IN CRUCIFICATION AND THE LAST SUPPER AND ASCENSION.AND AFTER THAT WHAT HAPPENED WITH DISCIPLES AND THE CONFUSION THEN THE FINA BLOW OF TRINITY IN THE HANDS OF THE EMPEROR AND ESTABLSIHING OF TRINITY AND THE PROCESS OF CANONISING THE 4 GOSPELS ETC ETC....

    IF I GET A CHANCE TO HELP HER OUT IN UNDERSTANDING ISLAM I WILL BE VERY GRATEFUL-

    REGARDS
    ALI YOUSUFF.

    • Ali Yousuff, I greatly appreciate your earnest purpose and sincerity to help. However, I dont think contact will be allowed. Be assured that I have taken your words into consideration. Thank you.

  17. No to cause issues but if good girl is looking for friends your are more than welcome to forward her my email. Also Ali I see you you have so much knowledge I have many questions. Would I post them like any others or is there a special place on here just to discuss back and forth?

  18. GOOD MORNING MAM,
    THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO HONOUR THE RULES AND RESPECT THE ALL EDITORS,
    WITH THE KIND PERMISSION AND LEAVE PL JOIN MY PAGE ATLEAST WHICH IS IN FACEBOOK-
    https://www.facebook.com/BLISSOFREMARRIAGE?ref=hl

    REST BE ASUURED THAT ALLAH THE GOD OF ABRAHAM AND ALL TEH PROPHETS HAS NOTED YOUR MOST VALUBALE LINES ALREADY RECORDED BY THE ANGELS AS A VERY GENUINE PERSONS REFERENCE TO REVERT BACK TO THE FAITH -
    AND ALLAH KNOWS THIS VERY WELL BECASUE HE IS CLOSER TO US THAN OUR JUGLIAR VEIN-And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein......
    Introduction: Jesus said to the Jews: "Therefore say I unto you, The kingdom of God shall be taken from you, and given to a nation bringing forth the fruits thereof. (From the KJV Bible, Matthew 21:43)"
    (According to the Apocalypse of Peter, this nation would come from the Arabs)

    What other nation beside the modern Muslims of today bow down to GOD Almighty in the most proper way?
    What other nation beside the modern Muslims Glorify GOD Almighty in their 5-daily Prayers, and fast the Month of Ramadan for Him?
    CHRISTIANITY STARTED WITH A BELIEF IN ONE GOD.PAUL ACCEPTED CHRISTIAN FAITH AFTER THE ASCENTION OF JESUS TO HEAVEN.DUE TO APUL JESUS ACQUIRED A DUAL PERSONALITY AND BECAME BOTH MAN AND GOD.
    PAUL JUSTIFIES THIS TRANFORMATION AND INNOVATION BY SAYING"FOR IF THE TRUTH OF GOD HATH MORE ABOUNDED THROUGH MY LIE UNTO HIS GLORY;WHY YET IAM ALSO JUDGED A SINNER"[4 ROMANS7.8]
    IT IS NOT UNDERSTOOD HOW WOULD TRUTH ABOUND THROUGH A LIE.
    SO JESUS OF FAITH BECAME DIFFERENT FROM THE JESUS OF HISTORY.
    ALL ATTEMPTS MADE BY THE APOSTLES TO IMPLICITLY FOLLOW JESUS 'S ORIGINAL TEACHINGS WERE LOOKED UPON WITH DISFAVOUR.THEY WERE OUSTED FROM THE CHURCHES THET WERE UNDER THE CONTROL OF PAULLINE CHRISTIANS.
    THUS ALL CONTCT WITH THE REAL JESUS WA LOST.

  19. First I want to say that I am very happy with your interest in Islam and I hope that you look more into this beautiful religion and have true belief in it because in my darkest moments it is my God who has brought me the most comfort in my heart and I want you to experience the same feeling I feel in my heart for Him as well.

    Now with your situation, I have gone through something similar so I understand how you feel somewhat with the cultural differences (even though we were both Muslim) and dating or any activity with the opposite sex is not allowed in Islam. Unfortunately many of us ignore this and get hurt over and over again before we realize the wisdom behind it, I myself included.

    The truth of the matter is that if he does not want to get married then chances are he is telling you the truth that he just does not want to get married. When the man I loved told me he couldn't get married to me I didn't take it seriously and thought maybe later on he will "love me" and change his mind but it was not the case. Even if this man changes his mind how will you know after he marries you that when hardship falls on you both he will not say "You see this is why I didn't want to get married," or worse case scenario leave you?

    One more thing I want to say is that I too have been "hidden" from everyone else. I, however, understood from the beginning why. Everyone thought he was such an amazing religious man and I did not want to ruin his reputation. But I felt so empty, I didn't like sneaking around. I did not like for him not to introduce me to his loved ones. I felt used beyond what I could imagine when he decided to get engaged to someone else because he introduced her to everyone including his mother and sisters. Some people just can't give up their culture and yes it is true the we as American women are looked down upon as easy and are used so easily but not only by Middle Eastern men but potentially by men of every race and religion. We just can't let this happen to us anymore and we need to have self confidence and respect.

    We are not meant to be hidden. We are meant to be respected but we can not be respected if we don't demand it. My advice to you would be the same advice I have received from the people here and my loved ones, cut off all contact with him and if you are interested in Islam then gain more knowledge in the religion. Take care of yourself and love the people around you who you have not given so much attention to because you were too focused on him. If you become a Muslim because of what you chose, Alhamdulilah (praise be to God), then you may realize that he is not best Muslim man after all and then you can go on your journey the halal (permissible way) to find the right Muslim man for you and this man will be a man who will tell everyone that you are his wife and you do not need to be hidden because you are not from his culture or you are a revert.

    You are a wise woman, Mashallah (as God willed), and much more advanced than many of us living in the states. You have the goal of marriage in mind which not many people consider until they fall in love with someone. Inshallah (if God wills) you will find what you are looking for because there are many many Muslim men out there and everyday people are converting so do not give up hope.

    May Allah bless you and guide you as well as everyone living in this planet. Ameen.

    -Starclusters

  20. Asalam ualikum,there have been so many comments already..i didnt really go through mot of them much but feels like to express my thoughts about your situation.well He surely is using you there is no second thought about it,Now He doesnt wanna marry u as he said n after reading your story there are other indicators that shows He is not serious about u.Now about islamic part Its good to know u studying islam n u feel like entering into it...My elder sister in islam its Allah way or the highway....Allah never ever do unjustice and do anything that is against the interest of HIS creation....There might be situations that appear to be against u but in real its not...As u studying islam act what u study about islam about your situation...A true Muslim love Allah and His Prophet Muhammad PBUh if u wanna enter to islam anytime than u have to accept this as well...Many a muslim dont follow Allah order`s that`s a total different scenerio we have bad n good ppl in us...Act what u learn in Islamic TEachings...May Allah Help u and ease your way and make the decision making easy for you..Ameen Suma Ameen

  21. i say u should leave him. in islam women should be respected not played with. in islam a muslim man CAN marry a christian, but he doesnt want to marry u and says that he loves u but will not marry u, that clearly means he is a player. and just think about this, if he cannot fulfil his duties towards Allaah (our creator, Lord of the worlds) who loves us more than our own mothers, then how can u expect 'ur sweety' to be faithful and dutiful to u?? so even if u do become a muslim, i would say u deserve a much greater guy, and move on. i know it must be hard for u, but learn about islam, and trust me, ull know u made the right decision and u will hopefully be very happy about this then.

    plz do learn about islam... its beautiful, and the truth... and marry a man who is a practising muslim, trust me, a practising man will treat u like a queen, if Allaah wills.

    actions speak louder than words, his sweet but if he wanted u would he not go forward it? he clearly is using u, which is sad. just remember if someone loves u they will treat u with respect and give u ur rights, he cant even show u to his parents, his scared of society, and u think he will give u all ur rights after marriage??? may be if his mother forces him, he will get a second wife after u marry him, just think about, he hasnt even got the guts to speak to his parents, so what else do u expect? and if he respected u, trust me, he wouldnt have been dating u like this. if he loved u he wouldnt have broken ur feelings, u want to marry him, but he says no, clearly he loves his whims and desires more.

    on a lighter note, coke is sweet, but its not at all good, does no benefit rather can do harm. plz leave him right now. u deserve better

    and learn about islam islamreligion.com

    may Allaah guide u

  22. May Allah made islam easy for you and everyone of us, welcome to Islam (the glad tiding)

  23. @Gibran

    Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuhu Akhi.

    Jazakallahu Khayr for pointing that out. May Allah enter you into Jannahtul Firdouse.

    Akhi let me make it clear I did not issue a Fatwa I am highly unqualified to give Fatwa, so please don't charge me such a heinous crime .... lol

    Akhi you are correct there seems to be some minor issue with the statement, but the overall fatwa is correct that Muslim men are allowed to marry the women from the "people of the book", I think the way the sheikh has validated the argument is kinda shaky, but hey I am no Mufti.

    and Alhamdulillah that you pointed that out.

    I found this on Islam QA

    I have some questions about Islam, could you explain them for me? Is it permissible for someone who follows Islam to marry someone who does not follows Islam without that person converting to Islam after marriage?.

    Praise be to Allaah.
    It is permissible for a Muslim man to marry a non-Muslim woman if she is Christian or Jewish, but it is not permissible for him to marry a non-Muslim woman who follows any religion other than these two. The evidence for that is the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Made lawful to you this day are At‑Tayyibaat [all kinds of Halaal (lawful) foods, which Allaah has made lawful (meat of slaughtered eatable animals, milk products, fats, vegetables and fruits)]. The food (slaughtered cattle, eatable animals) of the people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians) is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time when you have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends”

    [al-Maa'idah 5:4]

    Imam al-Tabari said in his commentary on this verse:

    “chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture” means, free woman among those whom have been given the Scripture, namely the Jews and Christians who believe in what is in the Tawraat (Torah) and Injeel (Gospel) from among the people who came before you, O believers in Muhammad, whether from among the Arabs or other people; you are permitted to marry them “when you have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage)” which means, if you give to those whom you marry of your (Muslims’) chaste women and their (Jews’ and Christians’) chaste women their mahrs or dowries.”

    (Tafseer al-Qurtubi, 6/104)

    But it is not permissible for a Muslim man to marry a Magian (Zoroastrian) woman or a communist woman or an idol-worshipping woman, etc.

    The evidence for that is the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And do not marry Al-Mushrikaat (idolatresses) till they believe (worship Allaah Alone). And indeed a slave woman who believes is better than a (free) Mushrikah (idolatress), even though she pleases you”

    [al-Baqarah 2:221]

    A mushrikah is an idol-worshipping woman who worships stones, whether from among the Arabs or others.

    It is not permissible for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim from any other religion, whether from among the Jews or Christians, or any other kaafir religion. It is not permissible for her to marry a Jew, a Christian, a Magian, a communist, an idol-worshipper, etc.

    The evidence for that is the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And give not (your daughters) in marriage to Al‑Mushrikoon till they believe (in Allaah Alone) and verily, a believing slave is better than a (free) Mushrik (idolater), even though he pleases you. Those (Al-Mushrikoon) invite you to the Fire, but Allaah invites (you) to Paradise and forgiveness by His Leave, and makes His Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) clear to mankind that they may remember”

    [al-Baqarah 2:221]

    Imam al-Tabari said:

    What is said concerning the interpretation of the words “And give not (your daughters) in marriage to Al‑Mushrikoon till they believe (in Allaah Alone) and verily, a believing slave is better than a (free) Mushrik (idolater), even though he pleases you” is that what Allaah meant by that is that Allaah has forbidden the believing women to give birth to a mushrik, no matter what kind of shirk he believes in. So, O believers, do not give your daughters in marriage to them, for that is forbidden to you. For you to give them in marriage to a believing slave who believes in Allaah and His Messenger and that which he brought from Allaah is better for you than to give them in marriage to a free mushrik even if he is of noble descent and honourable origins, even if you like his descent and background…

    It was narrated that Qutaadah and al-Zuhri said, concerning the phrase “And give not (your daughters) in marriage to Al‑Mushrikoon”, It is not permissible for you to give them in marriage to a Jew or a Christian or a mushrik who is not a follower of your religion. (Tafseer al-Qurtubi, 2/379).

    Baa

  24. You are obviously being used sweetheart....I am so sorry. I advise you to find someone who will accept you and luv you for you and someone who will not see u as a secret.

  25. You are more of a muslim than your friend he is being a hypocraite
    You must tell him practise your faith properly think about it
    He is not be a proper muslim not keep his duty to ALLAH
    I advice you to look for a proper muslim man The one who trully FEARS HIS
    CREATER he who FEARS THE CREATOR will not let you down

    INSALLAH ALLAH WILL GUIDE YOU TO ISLAM

    THEIR ARE LOTSOF DECENT WELL MANNERED MUSLIM MAN

    DONT WORRY ABOUT A FEW BAD ONES
    THERE ARE PLENTY OF TRUTHFULL TRUSTWORTHY MUSLIM MEN

    MAY ALLAH HELP YOU AND PROTECT YOU AND GUIDE YOU

    AMEEN SUMA AMEEN

    YOUR BROTHER JAMEEL AHMED

    ALLAH BE WITH YOU

    PEACE BE UPON YOU AND THE MERCY OF ALLAH AND HIS BLESSINGS

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