Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In love with two brothers at once but I want marriage without falling into sin. Really confused!

She married him, but is interested in someone else

True love comes from Allah Alone, rest all is from Shaitaan

There are two brothers that I think I might have fallen in love with. One is my coworker and the other is a school mate at my university. both older than me, coworker is 4 years older and schoolmate is 2 years older than me. I met my schoolmate when he said salaam to my father as me and my father were passing by him. they started talking and i walked away as i was shy. my father called for me and introduces us, I lowered my gaze and just smiled. that was it, later i started thinking about him because not many muslim guys would actually say salaam if they saw other muslims, so i though wow mashallah he's a good brother. he's an orientation leader at the school so i added him on fb, i saw his posts and stalked him for awhile. i was really amazed by the brother and loved his character and his deen level was the same as mine, at least that's how i felt.

I started falling in love with him but reminded myself not to do anything haraam to satisfy myself. I haven't done anything. everything we've talked about are academics and since he knows a lot about the school and everything i ask him only about that. but i find myself making up question just to talk to him. i have stopped that now and i ask other ppl if i need anything. I really love the brother and I am satisfied with his deen and character, i want nothing but a halal relationship (marriage) with him. I made istikhara just to make sure and i had a positive feeling about him. the problem is the other brother who is my coworker asked me about marriage, he wants to get married and i've told him to go to islamic dating sites such as pure matrimony and such but he keeps coming back to me.

he is supposed to be working and he comes to me very often asking me questions related to marriage. i have started to fall for him because once i asked him if he had facebook so i can invite him to msa meetings at the uni, he told me he doesn't have it because it has too much fitnah. I couldn't agree more. I really liked this about him, the fact that he was religious. if he asks me to marry him i would but he is not asking just hinting it. I haven't made istikhara for him, he asked me to, actually he said we should both do the istikhara and i didn't say anything. I love these two brothers. i don't even know if im going to end up with any of them. if you ask me which one i love better i would say the schoolmate but if the coworker were to ask me to marry him i wouldn't say no.

i don't want him to ask me. i don't even know if my schoolmate has any feelings for me, i doubt he does, wallah idk, i can only hope and pray. idk what to do, should i pray more istikhara? I am trying to lose contacts with both brothers just to make sure we don't get into anything haraam. I am very careful and i know anything can happen. but i am not willing to be with any of them if i have to do anything haram. what should i do? what if my coworker asks me to marry him, should i marry him knowing that i am in love with another brother. i can imagine my coworker with someone else but with my schoolmate i can't see him with anyone else. but his feelings i can't even tell, and so i am one confused sister! i will continue praying to Allah and make more istikharas


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12 Responses »

  1. Assalmawailakum sister,

    You seem like a good person and I personally feel you love the schoolmate more and if you do than you should ask him. Ask him if he is interested because if you don't it could be too late, he can find someone else, and u don't want to be waiting for someone who isn't waiting for u, you'll be miserable.And keep praying never lose hope, make duaa, istikharas. And please this is coming out of experience I was in love with someone who was like the schoolmate also 2 yrs older than me and I knew he loved me back and i thought I would never do anything haram and boy was I wrong. What I'm trying to say is cut ties with them I know it'll be hard because he's ur co-worker and the other goes to you school but try to distance yourself from them because shaytaan likes playing games, and this is one of his tricks don't fall into his traps so try to ask if he is interseted in marriage and inshaa Allah its meant to be.

    And indeed Allah is the best of planners, have faith in Him and May He unite you with the one you love Ameen.

    Your sister

    • Dont ask him.
      Never approach a man yourself, even with the best of intentions. It could potentially lead to sin if he likes to you. At the very least, it is likely to cause embarassment and awkwardness between you especially if you have to be around him (at school and stuff)

      I would do it via a third party if you have to. Get someone (a friend) or male relative to enquire about the boy. Use contacts. It's difficult but I think its better this way, Allahu a'lam. Nothing is wrong with registering interest in someone provided it's done appropriately.
      If they can do it anonymously its better rather than saying 'Halima/Nafisa or Insert other sisters name likes you.'
      M: Salaam, *Small talk How old are you, are you interested in marriage?
      S: Yes or no
      M: What are you looking for?
      If he says yes then the 'mediator can say that 'I know a sister who is interested in marriage etc etc.' Mediator can describe the sister's (your) qualities and only if he is interested the M can reveal who you are or introduce you both! This can be done later as in: 'OK, I'll speak to the sister and see if she is interested and get back to you.
      This way it's done discreetly and only taken forward if he is interested/considering marriage.

      • I definitely agree with everything you said but the thing is that I don't know a lot of brothers because i don't talk to guys so finding someone to talk to him is something that is not going to happen. I don't even want to tell him that i like him its a bit weird for me. plus marriage is something i'm not looking to do as of right now. i am only 20, he's 22 and i won't get to see him next year since he is graduating this june so I'm just hoping my love for him would fade soon enough. and i also believe that if he belongs to me surely i'll have him, i have faith in Allah so I'm not worried and even though i would hate for him to be with someone else i can accept that. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate you taking your time, all you! Jazzakallahu Khayr 🙂

  2. Salaam little sister.

    Let me apologise in advance if I sound patronising by saying I know how you feel and how confusing it can be. And what I say is my opinion, but I feel it is important to know.
    A few things to bear in mind:
    - None of what you are experiencing right now is love - its infactuation.
    - Alhumdulilah that you want to keep away from sin and you have acknowledged you are at risk. Read the story of Barsisa and it will get you thinking. Avoid contact with both of them. If one is interested can you get him to speak to your father, ideally?
    - So I would say either stop talking to the classmate altogether or find out if he is interested and if so what further steps he is willing to take on the matter.
    - There is nothing wrong with considering both if it is done appropriately and Islamically and if you can do it objectively without emotions clouding your mind. It is difficult, however.
    - Dont jump the gun and slow down. You dont need to 'marry any of them right now. Find out if mr schoolmate is interested in considering you as a potential wife. If so get your parents involved and try to meet him with his family in the presence of both your families. Then you can see if you are really compatible, if your families get on, if you want the same things.
    - The road to marriage is a bit more complex then we often think these days (although it shouldn't be.) One thing to bear in mind is 'just because someone seems to be religious and of good character and you like one another it doesn't mean you are necessarily right for each other.' So many times girls find someone who seem to have these qualities and its not a good match - because you're simply not compatible. I can't define compatibility - but its important.

    Sometimes I find (sorry for the generalisation) but females especially lie to themselves about their feelings. Or they dont recognise them. Especially when we are young and we have a lot of emotion and passion. If/when you are getting to know them (in Islamic boundaries of course!) bear in mind your feelings. Be totally 100% honest with yourself. Do you want to marry them because you feel you 'should' because they are religious? Do you like them or want to be like them? Theres a difference. Or do you want to marry them for the sake of getting married. What are your reasons?

    I am rambling sorry. What I am saying is do a marriage course if you can. Look at 'Before you say I do' by Yassir Fazaga if you can. Try to establish compatibility BEFORE you commit your heart. But ensure you do this within Islamic boundaries.

    The golden rules: Never ever be alone with any of these brothers (or any non-mahram for that matter!)

    Get parents involved early on to protect you both and make sure they are on board with everything.

    I hope I didnt confuse you but these are my opinions.
    In terms of Istikhaarah, keep an open heart try it at tahajjud and ask Allah to give you whatever is best for you and make you pleased with it. Ask Him for clear signs. And ensure you know the meaning of the dua etc. I dont want to advise further on this matter because my knowledge of it is weak and I get confused myself.

    Sara Editor

  3. Reading your post it seems like you actually want to be with the first guy you mentioned (one that gave salam to your dad) reason why I say this is because you seem to praise him more then the other guy..also a question to the rest...why to people refer to someone they like as 'brother' its abit disturbing especially if your gna get married to that guy hmmm I know my husband to be wouldn't be happy if I referred to him as a brother.

    • Lol Realistic.
      I should probably delete the end your comment now but for some reason it made me laugh. All Muslims are brothers and sisters in Islam so there is nothing wrong with it.
      P.S Comments are no 'cooler' or no more 'important with the signature at the end but thank you for making me giggle.

  4. Aswak Sister.

    You can ask your Waali to use there experience to assess both the guys.As your Waali will be free from any bias/prejudices as you hold right now.

    I have a positive feeling for Mr schoolmate as you said he is very social person. I say it because only stable and matured person can be social within society.Coming to your co-worker I think you don't know much about him except for his professional life.You are just impressed when he told you that he doesn't have a Facebook account. I have lot of friends who don't have Facebook account with different intentions.As they don't wanna publicize there personal life and fear of getting caught about there illegal relationships.

    May be I am wrong but I have come across such situation.

    Allah Hafiz.

  5. I enjoyed reading the responses and thank you all for the advices. It's definitely something to think about. I have cut all contacts with both brothers. I will keep doing istikharas and tahajud. as for the coworker I've been told about him by his friends; that he does things that are non-islamic, i don't want to be with someone who disobeys Allah. He made it easier for me, i don't talk to him anymore. My schoolmate, I am just hoping and praying. I haven't met a lot of guys in my life and this schoolmate has surprised me a lot. In'shaa'Allah will see how it goes.
    I don't think I can inform my parents about this guy, they will tell me to worry about my school and that's what I should be doing. But then again he's graduating june 2013 and I probably won't see him again. He's a great guy and I really don't want to let him go, you just don't come across guys like him.
    Also the other thing is that we're from different races, he's indian and I'm not.
    It's all in the hands of Allah and in'shaa'Allah we'll see. Once again thank you all for your responses I appreciate it and your advices won't go to waste
    Love you all for the sake of Allah

  6. Asalam u aliokm,
    I just read this page n i like it very much i had many questions , but I sall 1 try to submit
    Assalam alikom

  7. Can I ask how i can join this page n send questions to?
    Kindly answer me?
    with best regards
    سلام عليكم

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