Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In Love with a Muslim Convict, should I go ahead and marry him?

past, present, future

There is a Muslim man who is from the Middle East and converted to Islam during prision in 2006, MashAllah he is so religious and into the Deen, a lot of women tried to ruin his life, his ex wife framed him and now he is going back to prison.

We first started talking as friends and I never cared about him and only saw him as a friend, but then one night I wanted to do the istikhara prayer and the next day I started to really have a crush on him, then the next following day we were talking about how he is making a book about his life of all the struggles shaitan made him suffer through, and how he married 3 times because he never wanted to commit Zina and how each one of his wives cheated on him.

MashAllah he has a great voice, and now he uses that beautiful voice to make adhan and Quran recitation, he's such the perfect man for any women could ever have but his past has SO many red flags. I don't know what to do. Plus I am getting to know someone else for the purpose of marriage but he has no clue I fell for a man who I never thought I would in my life! And he's the FIRST man who I fell in love with for the SAKE of ALLAH! And I've never felt like that towards a man.

Please help me, what should I do?! I need opinions and comments asap.

By the way, I asked a couple of friends about what they think of it and one said everyone has a bad past and the other two disagreed on the idea.

🙁 I really love this guy... I don't know what to do. 🙁




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3 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaikum,

    If he's returning to prison, exactly what kind of marriage do you foresee? What kind of future is in it for you and how man years will be be in prison, again?

    Outside of political prisoners, people seldom return to prison on a frequent basis without sufficient cause. You should at least inform yourself of the circumstances concerning his next scheduled prison stay.

    You admit there's plenty of red flags, so to be honest, what exactly are you trying to convince yourself of?

    Also, if you are talking to another man about marriage while in a state of lust for the aforementioned prison-bound man, this is devoid of womanly dignity. This other man deserves to know that your sincerity is questionable in starting a honest marriage. If nothing else, please let this other man go, if you refuse to purify your intentions.

    Please forgive me for being harsh, but you seem to be romanticizing a future that is more of a fairy tale than akin to the open reality of this situation.

  2. This situation sounds very sketchy (risky) to me. He was married three times and they all cheated on him? It's very unusual for wives to cheat on their husbands, and in the Middle East it's almost unheard of, yet it happened to him three times.

    Why was he in prison, and why is he going back? An ex-wife framed him? Again, a strange and unlikely story?

    My recommendation is not to marry this guy and to break off your contact with him. Everything about him sounds questionable to me, not because he was in prison, but because his stories sound unlikely.

    Wael Editor

  3. Salaams,

    I just want to speak from experience, if I may. First of all, I agree that all red flags should be considered and you would definitely need to follow the advise given above to search those details out.

    I myself am married to an ex felon. I can tell you, that even if all the variables surrounding him were checked and cleared, and you two were madly in love with each other, you are still choosing a life that requires the strongest of characters and the ability to accept that a lot of things will not be like they would if you married someone with a clean record.

    When I married, I was madly in love myself and I was not capable of considering the implications of marrying someone with a felony. I believed everything would work itself out and Masha'Allah, for the past nearly 9 years that has been true most of the time. However, I would not wish this type of relationship on anyone unless they were truly up to making the sacrifices necessary. A lot of times people don't consider the fact that people who have criminal backgrounds have a hard time getting consistent or well paying employment, and that you will spend a lot of time with an unemployed/underemployed mate. You may even have to take the role of the breadwinner of the family out of necessity, and no matter now much love you have you will still miss the traditional role we as women were created for. This alone is a stress most people have a hard time managing year upon year, and the more severe his crimes were the more difficulty he will have overcoming this challenge.

    Another thing you have to consider is your children. Even if your husband never returns to jail, eventually they find out (or, Allah forbid, kids at school find out) that their dad has a past. A lot of the time this can't be swept under a rug, and the child has to work through what that means, and it can be difficult for them. Do not underestimate the social stigma that his past will reflect on his children, but on you as well. In some situations, you are treated by others as though you committed crimes yourself. I know I used to believe that my "good name" would trump my husband's past; but in fact too many times my character was actually called into question for even choosing to marry him knowing he was an ex felon.

    These are two serious aspects to be considered by anyone in your situation, but there is still another major one. The fact is, the more time a person spends in a penal institute, the more it affects their ability to see things the way others would and their ability to relate to others. Most often, men come out of prison scarred and broken in many ways. As women, sometimes we think we can help heal those scars. No doubt, love is a healing energy, but the truth is we are only imperfect creations ourselves and the road to healing those kinds of wounds is long and difficult. He may say or do things when you both are stressed that you are absolutely not used to, because he learned to cope with life this way while locked up. For another person who's never survived that type of trauma, it can have the potential of destroying your spirit and emotions.

    There are several other aspects that you probably haven't considered in having a future with him, and certainly I could name a few more based on my own marriage. Yes, there are exceptions to everything and it is possible to find that one exceptional person and the two of you can beat the odds together. Let me just say, though, that it's very rare and even if it does happen, you will still be dealing with someone who is likely very rough around the edges. I love my husband dearly and have no regrets for the choices I made in marrying him, but suffice it to say that if I were ever to be single again I would never consider anyone with a criminal background as a potential mate going forward. If you have any way at all of falling in love with someone who has never committed a crime (and I'm pretty sure you do) you're better off doing that instead.

    -Amy Editor

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