Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In love with a non-Muslim and going through depression

Where is the love?

Real love?

i have a same story and would appreciate any suggestions. here is the story from A to Z please i am asking for advice so don't be judgmental.

i am a young muslim women who moved to new york from an arabic country since more than 2years now. i started school and everything seemed to be good i want to be a lawyer but you know how life is hard in new york. i've been struggling to find a job.

my sister got married to a muslim arabic guy who kicked me out of the apartment knowing that i have no place to go and no money since i wasn't working. i've struggled a lot to make a living. my mom want to help me but because of the stupid regulation of foreign money in my country she can't send me any money.

i've been through a lot in new york i moved before the age of 20.

i'm sorry to say that but i've been betrayed by muslims. whenever i go to an interview to tutor arabic or french for someone or work with someone in his office i get other response such as hanging out or having sex with me. i was shocked i couldn't believe it. plus the families that i worked for especially muslims some of them didnt pay me and i got into problems and arguing with them that lead to a point that i hated all muslims. i was asking myself how a human being can do such horrible thing to someone and claimed that she/he is a good muslim?

anyways days went by i started to be broke and depressed and start to think about going back to my country but what would i do there? how can i make a living? and why God had put through all of this?

i met a very sweet nice guy older than me. we started to go out together and suddenly felt in love with each other. for the first time i felt that someone loves me for who i am and didn't only see the pretty face or the perfect skin that i have. the problem is that he is not a muslim, but he has a great connection with God.

i found everything that i always wanted in him and suddenly everything started to be good in my life. i never felt so confident and so beautiful before meeting him. he is very opening minded cultivated, smart, mature, and handsome. we are madly in love with each other, months went by we had sex many time. i know it is a sin, but please don't say anything that would break me more than i am right now. i start to feel like i am a zania. i see only dark and i am going through a depression. sometimes i just dont want to get out of bed.

when i speak to him about islam he says that he doesn't want a religion that would break the great connection that he has with God. i hate him when he says that, and i feel that if i leave him because of that it is so unfair to both of us. he haven't done anything bad to me he treats me well/ i feel like a human being next to him not like a pretty doll that every single man want to have fun with.

i want some advices to convince him to convert to islam. any books or sitewebs that might be helpful i would appreciate it. also i want some suggestion about my situation what should i do and how i can ask God for forgiveness. thank you!

- Lost in Love

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20 Responses »

  1. May Allah protect your iman my dear sister. Don't turn away from the depression and the guilt. You need to repent and clean up your act insh'allah. Its hard but you can do it insha'llah.

    My advice to you sister is one of two choices:

    -repent, break off your relationship with this man, no matter how 'in love' you are now, love isn't enough to endure real life with someone who you don't share a religion and real values with. This is known from experience. Consider going back to your country. at least that way you are not on the street so to speak. You are protected in your basic rights at least and then you think about what to do.

    -repent, break off your relationship with this man, get yourself involved with a good islamic center/mosque in new york. Ask Allah for a good righteous man. Look up Muslim American Society in new york and get in touch with them insh'allah.

    -As for the man, it may be very hard to go away from him but you need to remember marriage isn't a love fling. Its a real thing that you need to go into without being emotionally attached so you can still have full control of your brain and make a solid decision to enter into marriage with someone. You will ofcourse feel attracted to the right person but you don't need to be 'in love' and sleeping with the person you marry.
    Its simply not your job to convert this person or to give him dawah. You can let him know that you must marry only a Muslim as islam is the most important thing to you. This man with his current religious views has the potential to take you away from deen and that is NOT the type of companion you want. Your religion is the crux of who you are. How can you make a life with someone who doesn't share that most important thing with you.

    Think with your head my dear sister. Inshallah you will make it through.

  2. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister, I am so sorry to hear that you did not meet good Muslim men in your life, and that the men who called themselves Muslim treated you in a bad manner. May the Almighty Allah guide them to follow the Quran and the teachings of the Messenger of Allah!!!

    First you should know that the fact that the Muslim men you met weren't helpful to you does not mean that you should leave and marry someone outside Islam. Those men you met were not real Muslims but they just had Muslim names. If you are patient and you rely on Allah, He will guide to you a good Muslim that will marry you and honor you. However, if you are not careful you will end up having children with this man (through civil marriage or without it) and then he will never convert to Islam. He is firm on his believe that he won't convert to Islam, and a Muslim woman can only marry a Muslim man or any man from other religions who converts to Islam. You want your children to be Muslims, right? Then the man you are with must be a Muslim or must convert to Islam, because children usually follow the path of fathers. That is why a good Christian or a Jew woman is allowed to marry a Muslim man, so that the children will automatically become Muslims if the father is a good Muslim.

    You are asking for a way that Allah will forgive you, and the only way to be forgiven is to know your sins and repent to Allah. But without repenting and following the commands of Allah, there is no way for forgiveness.

    What I suggest you should do, is to quit your relationship with this man, and then let him learn Islam and convert. When he converts to Islam, he should approach your family and ask for your hands in marriage.

    Hope this helps Insha'Allah, and wish you the best Insha'Allah.

  3. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    May Allah have Mercy on you, and bring Peace to your heart. Sister, your story brings about strong feelings for me. Life in the US is hard enough, and life in NYC, for a young Muslim woman without protection and loving care is an awful thing to imagine. I am so sorry to hear that a Sister of mine is on her own in such a harsh environment and has been treated badly by the very people who are charged with her protection- your Muslim brothers and sisters, namely the brothers...

    I know it must feel like a relief and a comfort to have found someone kind, gentle, and respectful that you think you can trust. And if he is older than you (even just a couple years) then he is not only a lover, but also a protective father figure. Many of us women who have been abandoned in some way or another find a great deal of satisfaction in such relationships. Further, there are many wonderful, compelling, and dynamic non-Muslims and non-Muslim men in the world if you have the chance and experience to meet them, so I will not question the true nature of your feelings for him. I would just like to share a couple of things with you, and I am speaking from experience.

    The sad irony of this situation is that much of what probably draws you to this man who is not a Muslim are your own Islamic values. Although there are exceptions that we are all aware of, Muslim women more than any other women in the world know their rights upon mankind, whether we have been taught these rights in an academic environment or have learned them on an intuitive level. We know we have the right to be protected by the men and elders in our families and we know that we have the right to be treated with respect and kindness by the larger community. We know we do not have to and should not tolerate abuse and/or any form or attempt at exploitation. Unfortunately, when our own families and communities fail us, we continue to search for that love, respect, and protection wherever it can be found.

    In your case, Sister, it is with this man. He is intelligent enough to recognize your need and mature enough to make his own attempt at fulfilling it. He probably loves you in his capacity, and has enough human decency to treat you with kindness, unlike the posturing "brothers" you have encountered in the past... But, if he will not convert to Islam and learn the teachings of Allah and His messenger (saws) then he will never be capable of fully understanding and honoring your rights as a woman. Our rights and entitlements are SO many- they are based on our intrinsic human nature and once basic survival (and knowing someone in this world loves you) is no longer your main concern, more complex questions will arise. You, with your Islamic inheritance, will know where to find the answers to these great questions, but he, having rejected Islam, will probably reject or ignore the solutions.

    There are intelligent men who can look at the world and determine what a decent human being might look like. They adopt a code of honor and live by it. And their way of life is much more attractive than that of Muslim men who corrupt the Islamic laws, may Allah guide them. However, the former, the intelligent men following a code of honor, will speak of a relationship with God. I can't say it more plainly. Any man who speaks of a relationship with God, but you cannot clearly see he submits to God, is lying to you and using God for his own purposes. Be he, Muslim or not. It is that simple. There is no relationship between man and God, but that man submits to God. These men will tell you that you cannot see the truth of their connection with God. When it comes to the man that you will share your life and bed with, and with whom you will have children; you SHOULD judge him and then decide. Consider yourself a protective mother before the children are even born. And consider it your responsibility to secure for them the best and most fruitful environment.

    I have been writing for a while Sister, and will abruptly end my response here. Unfortunately I could not bring about a neat beginning, middle and end to this response because this situation that so many of my sisters face, and I myself have faced, is very sad and complicated. There are so many dynamics at play here and it is hard to make a single clear point. I think the most important thing Sister is this:

    Allah loves you. This world and life is a hardship for all people, but Allah has given you a special jewel in Islam. The beauty and the benefit in it, is yours. You have to do work to uncover it. You have to close your eyes to the abusers and see straight to the truth. The single hardest thing about love is that in order to experience being loved, you have to first take a chance and TRUST that you are being loved. It is complicated, but that is what it takes to let go of your pain and disappointment and also your fear and dependencies, and then grab hold of the beautiful and most fulfilling life of submission to Allah in Islam.

    I know that my response is not a real solution for you Sister, but I just wanted to reach out to you. In fact you are so close to me geographically I had to reach out. I live in Upstate NY. If you would like to correspond (email) I would be happy to be a friend to you, insha'Allah.

    AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister

  4. My child, in Islam there is no such thing as a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. You are either married or you are single. Sad to know that you have not found any good muslim person. 

    It's sad what you been through. It's vary sad to get such behavior from own sisters husband Even through your rough time you seems to be strong girl then how did you slip your mind in this kind of situation dear?

    The stuffs you been doing before married it's not only a sin it's a grave sins and you still got chance and time to asks Allah's forgiveness and show you right path. 

    As far about the man you claim to love maybe it will be very hard to bring him into Islam. Because he do not  want to become and I assume if you pressure him maybe he will convert just to marry but it will not be valid dear. It won't be unfair if you leave him just for that because you are a Muslim lady and you love Allah more then anything els. in our muslim life Allah comes first then other thing. Allah is the one who created you gave you life and everything and when we die we go back to Allah only him. So it's not unfair it's valid reason to leave him because you are his slaves follow His command.

    Dear I suggest you turn to Allah, pray make dua and ask for forgiveness. If possible visit your mother take a break from this situation you in and this is a request from me as a elder and like mother please please do not commit any sexual relation with him until you get married.

    My dua is with you dear....

    • Allah says in the holly Qur’an about this life: ”O my people! Truly, this life of the world is nothing but a (quick passing) enjoyment, and verily, the Hereafter that is the home that will remain forever.” [Surat Ghafir (The Forgiving)- verse 39].

      So yes it won't be unfair if you think about hereafter life.....



    we are madly in love with each other, months went by we had sex many time.


    AND YOU ARE THINKING ITS A SMALL SIN i know it is a sin....


  6. Masha'Allah

  7. my sister in islam..

    Whoever gives up something for the sake of Allah, Allah will compensate him with something better than it, and whoever fears Allah, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty) and He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine.

    This life is temporary. How many years will you live here??
    save yourself from the hell fire. Please do not do something stupid to put yourself in danger in this life and in the hereafter.

    Allah can forgive any sin if HE wills. But He will never forgive shirk. Please learn about Islam. Become a practicing muslim. seek forgiveness for what you have done in your past.

    Try to go back to your family. How are you leaving alone in a strange country without a mahram ??

    repent sincerely and ask Allah to conceal your sins and do not talk with anybody about ur sins . Keep them between you and Allah.

    see for a religious man and marry him inshaAllah.

    Do not waste your life.. This life is a test.

    go through this website to learn more about islam inshaAllah . ->

  8. Assalam'alaykum,

    So sorry to hear about the situation you got yourself into.

    You said,

    i'm sorry to say that but i've been betrayed by muslims. whenever i go to an interview totutor arabic or french for someone or work with someone in his office i get other response such as hanging out or having sex with me. i was shocked i couldn't believe it.

    then you said,

    I met a very sweet nice non muslim man and we are madly in love with each other, months went by we had sex many time.

    I'm sorry to say that I see no difference between you and those so called muslims who go along with 'sex outside marriage'. Bad apples basically. Now I'm shocked and I couldn't believe it.

    i know it is a sin, but please don't say anything that would break me more than i am right now. i start to feel like i am a zania.

    Thats true. So now you should stop committing zina because its not just a sin, infact a GRAVE sin which upon repeating can be a cause of your death under Allah's law, will have life long ill effects, deserving punishments etc so leave that non muslim man and sincerely repent. Fear and Obey Allah. You need to feel the guilt and regret to repent.

    I wonder what makes you attract the bad people and now you evolved to one of them ? Are you observing proper hijab or not ?

    Regarding that man, his 'connection' with God is like in movies. Its just for play. As Allah said, non muslim will only get you to hell fire. Subhana'Allah. Your job is not to give him da'wah, you are sinning if you do so, instead give da'wah to yourself and learn about Islam. Firstly know that, pre-marital relationship is forbidden in Islam, zina is forbidden, marrying non muslim is also forbidden as you know, observing proper Hijab is obligatory etc. First learn about Islam and practice before preaching it to others.

    You asked how will Allah forgive you, well firstly you have to sever all ties with that non muslim man, stop all evil deeds and then reent sincerely. There are few conditions of repentance like to stop evil deeds, to regret, to make an intention not to get back to sin etc and so if you are still in contact with this man, even if its for "da'wah", then no matter how much you repent, your repentance would be of no use. Therefore, FEAR and OBEY Allah before He sends His punishment and then there will be no refuge.

    The problem now is that Allah said that fornicatress must marry only fornicators and fornicatress are forbidden for the believers. But if you repent, you may be excempted insha'Allah, therefore haste to repent.

    You said, that non muslim guy is open minded, smart, cultivated, mature and handsome. Do you know that this earth is temporary ? Do you know these qualities you mentioned will gurantee you a hot seat in hell ? As for sure, these qualities will perish and nothing will remain of this non muslim man. Death may approach you anytime, imagine if death comes to you when you are sleeping with that kafir or disobeying Allah. Pity yourself for what is awaiting you in the blazing hell fire.

    That non muslim man has already showed no interest in Islam and all you have to do, though maybe hard, is to leave him for good. Who knows how many women he had sex with and you are one of his petty toy. Its unfortunate that you cannot attract the pious muslims, it maybe because the way you dress or possibly your character or etc so know that not all muslim men are like those you met, unfortunately now, you are one of those bad people in the eyes of pious muslim men 🙁 . So sad. So turn back to the straight path, repent and purify yourself as Allah love those who purify themself.

    Allah will forgive you if you are sincere. Pray your 5 times prayers without which makes you a kafir. Do other islamic duties. Avoid sins and ask Allah to guide you, show mercy on you and forgive you.

    Best if you go back to your parents.

    Lastly, you need your father's permission to marry in Islam without which you cannot marry.

    • I agree she really should go back to her parents. If she stays in abroad by herself without support from family I am afraid she will fall in to sins again. Shaytan won't leave you until you are doomed its easy for shaytan because you are all by yourself no one to support.....

  9. Masha 'Allah Brother علي بن عبد الله آل الشيخ‎
    I see guidance in your comment, if only our Sister would follow it.
    May Allah guide you Sister!

  10. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going threw, I was so sad reading your story, I'm sorry to say this but the best thing for you to do is go back to your country wallah that would be so much better for you and your future. No matter how bad your country is sister, it can't be badder then you been there on your own with nobody around.I'm so surprise your parents let you go out of state on your own school or no school. My parents would never ever let me or my sisters do that . Anyways, not all Muslims are bad you need to
    Go find good Muslim sisters that would help you get three this and please leave this non muslim man he doesn't seem to be interested in Islam. Insallah you will find a good muslim man soon.

  11. @Lost In Love .. so what have you decided. share with us.

  12. Sister, OK im going to make this as short as I can...

    You said:" i'm sorry to say that but i've been betrayed by muslims. whenever i go to an interview to tutor arabic or french for someone or work with someone in his office i get other response such as hanging out or having sex with me."

    I am not suprised. I don't care if you are hijabi or not, did you have appropriate conversation starter with these men??? Please be honest with me. If you did not open up to them about your situation of being here and how you were alone. I hope you did not.

    That was first.

    Second, PLEASE PLEASE stay away from these Arabic men( I think u'r talking about them) Palestinians, Jordanian, Lebanese..just cuz they're Arab ( you yourself are) does not mean you should trust them. I am almost pretty sure u're talking about these kind of men. Most of them that have these kinds of offices and businesses like gas stat's and 7 elevens usually FLIRT with women . Yes , be careful cuz they seem to be religious but really drawning in Dunya, if he sees your smile he'll take it as invitation "let's go out" and "let's have sex". Don't trust oneword that comes out of these men mouth. One single word. They may tell you they want to "help" you ..poor sister all alone in the big city, let me rescue demsel in distress..kind of deal..just cuz he got beard, don't mean he Fear!

    No offense to any Arabic brother on here, as I am solely speaking from experience. Sorry if I may somehow offend anyone, I do not mean to do this is only related to men with attitudes as described above.

    Third, LEAVE this kaffir for your LIFE. Yes LIFE sister, cuz' he'll take it from you. You might be like what you mean karmela he'll take my life? What I mean is little by little he's going to disregard your Islam, lead you on falsely, leave you falsely,he does not want it and he will not WANT it later , no matter how much you try except Insha'ALLAH?? Got it? Didn't you allready ask him how he feels about Islam and being a potential Muslim as you describe he owns some rightious traits. Among his rightious traits that you admire, why not ask him to obey his Lord. Even devil worships Allah, what does that make him?

    But you too, want Allah to love you, but you cant even Love YOU.

    Wanna trade your religion for a Dunya thing or TWO...

    But don't know how Dunya will destroy YOU..

    Now enough with these rhyms :)...I want you to come back to Allah..

    Fourth, Leaving him is going to be soo painful. I have done it, it hurt(past tense). This guy was my mother, my father, my brother times two I never had. My idolatry..Notice that <. Idolatry I said. Yes, I did Astagfirullah. That's what he's becoming to you, cuz' you have no other waay outt. Or so you think..?? Or so he knows?? How long you are going to keep worshiping this Idol until you mentally break down from exhaustion..cuz the Idol is not responding ..n' u are just realizing are you waiting for break down...??? Wa'llahi i'd be very sad to see your mentally break down as I have..cuz' I thought world flipped..But heeyy I am here, writing you this.. I am ALIVE!! ALLAH has saved me...So when they tell you "you will be lost without me", say ..Noo I got sidetracked for a second, and got lost but ALLAH made a hole above tunnel and some light came to me before I fell into the Dark hole with blazing steam coming out of it...Sub'hanAllah I did not fall into that, that pain would be UNBEARABLE..Sub'hanAllah 😀

    Allah smiled on me..Allah smiled on you so he led you my Sister...PLEASE DONT LET SHEYTAN BRING YOU BACK TO TUNNEL cuz he'll be sloww and suaave with gentle pep talk BOTTLE of Champagne and smooth jazz following Nelly's hit "It's HOT IN HERE." Allah save us blazing FIRE.

    Fifth, Do not go home. You are in America to make your dreams come true. You came here for a reason, to make yourself Strong, Independent women Muslimah that you are somewhere in your heart..
    So let it come out, do not go back there. There's no hope there, but only poverty. And stay away from Muslim men, Allah will give you someone when it's time. You know they say "dont talk to men" blah blah blah, pissed me off; you know whoever said that I need to find them and give them Nobel Price for "Cleverness", cuz that's what I just realized. They were really right, bcuz that's the cleverness that will save you from the WORST imaginable and give you benefits. Nobel Price to Musliman who said that...was that hadith...not sure....
    Be Strong, and Believe in Allah. He will heal You!! Please do the right thing. It will hurt, but not like 10x hotter than fire ,FIRE!!
    Allah gave you BRAIN, use it!!!

  13. Trust me sister, it is not worth it at all. From my own personal experience it is better to let the non Muslim man go. Trust me on this, you will not regret it. I understand that we live in a place where we are surrounded by non Muslim men and sometimes we slip and fall in love from time to time because this is human nature. Muslim or not men are men and they are human beings and as women we want them. If we converse with these men even as friends, we will fall in love with at least one of them. We shouldn't let it get that far but we make mistakes sometimes. It's not the end of the world but it will be if we continue to be with them.

    Sister, if you do not like Arabic men then go for other Muslim men all around the world. There are even some Muslim reverts who are not Arabic and if that is what you prefer then go for it (marriage I mean) but do not generalize a whole group just because of a couple of bad apples. Treat everyone as an individual. If they hurt you then they are the ones at fault. The people belonging in their country/religion/caste/etc is not to blame. It is like when people would think all Muslims are terrorist but we are clearly not.

    As hard as it might be the best thing for you to do is get rid of the relationship you have with this non Muslim man. It is not your job to convert him, only Allah can guide him and give him hidaya and make him Muslim. What you can do is tell him you can not marry a non Muslim man and direct him to a Mosque where they will be the ones giving him information and giving him dawah. If he accepts and becomes Muslim then go ahead and get married to him if you love him so much and think he will be a good husband and father to your children. If not then if you truly believe in Allah then your belief will be much greater than your love and desire for him. Ultimately it is you who will make that choice so make the right one because if you make the wrong choice then it will be more than you bargained for.

    You want to be with him forever right? Well maybe you will be but not in the destination or place that you would want to be (I pray to God this never happens). Before this happens just break off the relationship you have with him now, repent sincerely and let him know to contact your mahrem (guardian such as your father, brother, etc.) if he ever decides to become a Muslim and still wants to marry you. And when he says he is a Muslim it means he prays, fasts, etc. not just a Muslim in words and not action. You may feel pain right now but almost everyone I know, including myself, have been through heartbreaks and sometimes we have to make a choice between 2 things that mean so much to us that if they conflict with each other then we have to just trust with the greater choice which is usually Allah. It is all up to you. But if you choose to let him go I am letting you know that you will get over him and inshallah you will find a man who will love you in many ways.

    What more do you want than your husband praying next to you? What more do you want than your husband teaching your daughter how to be modest and how he respects her so other men should too? What more do you want than your husband teaching your son how to respect women and teach him the Quran or help him memorize it? Make this your dream so you replace it over the false future you have in your head about this non Muslim man and inshAllah may Allah make this easier for you and all Muslims who are going through the same situations as you. You will get over him if you make the choice to leave him because whatever you give up for Allah you should know in your heart is not in vain so do not think "oh did I make the right choice?" If you choose Allah over him then inshallah He will give you something much better.

  14. @Sister (Lost in Love)

    If you were unable to settle in New York, you SHOULD have gone back to your parents OR you should have moved to another city at minimum; here in New York, you met large number of bad apples (Munafiq, to be precise) and ended-up as one of them yourself: you gravely SINNED by becoming a "girlfriend" of a non-Muslim and having pre-martial relations with him. Do you realize the gravity of your sins? If you consider yourself a Muslimah, you shouldn't be involved in these kind of activities.

    This non-Muslim man is also taking advantage of your situation; he is getting the MILK for FREE and he doesn't cares much about your feelings either since he is not WILLING to embrace Islam. He claims to be close with God in his own sense but the fact is that he is NOT; he is also a FARCE just like other bad apples you met. Keep in mind that you cannot CHANGE the faith of a PERSON easily. Only a role-model Muslim can do so; and you are NOT one of such unfortunately.

    I strongly advice you to LEAVE this kind of life-style and return to path of dignity. USA is no longer a land of opportunities in current times; fact is that USA is one of the most morally bankrupt nations in existence and is also troubled by economic hardships. There are many other "more appealing" destinations to consider for career-building purposes. At minimum, you SHOULD have attempted to move to another CITY within USA in search of getting a job; their are lot of cities in USA. You could do some low-level jobs to pay for transportation expenses.

    I am sorry but you are in serious need of some self-introspection.

  15. Please forget him..... This is dangar.

  16. Hi i want to tell something im to in love with a kafir almost

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