Still in love with wife who has been cheating on me for 10 years
Salaam,
I need your advice please I am feeling very lonely and hurt and don't know what to do.
I am a male age 38 and was married for 10yrs to my wife who had two previous kids in her last marriage when I met her and she had 2 girls aged 6 and 9. We fell in love and I married her and took under my wing with her 2 daughters and treated them as my own.
Last year I found out that my wife was having an affair with another man who was her boss at the time I had met her. People told me at that time that she was having an affair with this married man. My parents told me not to marry her cause they also heard the same rumour. When I confronted her with these rumours she denied it saying she just works for him and that he has given her a flat to stay in as a perk. I believed her and I trusted her and married her.
My parents told me they want nothing to do with me if I married her but I still did because I loved her. I had no money and when we started our life together her boss kicked her out of the flat. I told her don't worry I will find a home for us to rent and live in. Our marriage was fine and we were both very happy. I started my business and mashallah I was doing very well. We had 2 children together of my own and last year my business was going through a rough patch and my mind was on work most of the time and I had to travel a lot.
I saw she started to get distant from me and I didn't know what was wrong until I saw a sms on her phone saying "I can't stand the thought of you living with him one more day and I am ready to start a new life with you". I confronted her with the message and at first she denied it was for her, saying its to her friend that's going through problems. I asked the name of the friend and she gave me a name. I said I am going to phone her and tell her to not involve you in her problems at which point she then confessed it was for her.
I asked who it was and she said it was somebody from her past. She gave me a name which was a lie I later got to find out. She said I was neglecting her so it was just a sms affair and that it was an overseas person and nothing serious was going on. I asked her if it is going to stop she said yes she said she told the person that we are working on making our marriage work. I believed her but was wrong again.
She stated treating me like I was a nobody always picking fights with me and calling me names she never used to let me look at her phone and was coming home late and giving me the silent treatment. In June last year I was away and when I got back she told me she was pregnant with our 3rd child. When we went to the doctor I asked him when the child was conceived and he told me in June but in June I was away. I got suspicious and totally couldn't concentrate on my business as my mind was wondering. I started to lose everything. In the end I couldn't handle it anymore.
She told me that she wanted a divorce and that I didn't love her and that I couldn't support her and she had to go get money from her brother all of the time. I told her let's work things out with our marriage but she just didn't want to. I refused to give her a divorce, I told her I love her and want her. I then got a call from the guy she was having an affair with: it was her ex boss that I had heard rumours about in the beginning. He told me he wanted to see me and had something to show me.
I went to see him and he showed me all the sms's that my wife was sending to him. He knew about everything that was going on in my life. He showed me one sms which said "make him disappear." I was finished. I couldnt believe what I was reading. He told me 'your wife is a liar and manipulater and all she wants is money' and that she has been his girlfriend for the past 10yrs but he says he never slept with her. He said he is confessing because of the message he got about making me disappear because he didn't want it to go that far. I told him I still love my wife and I am going to forgive her and stay with her.
He even gave me a chain that I had bought for my wife as a Valentine's present saying that she gave it to him. I confronted my wife with the messages and she started crying saying that the guy had threatened to hurt me if she didn't leave me. I told her we have 2 kids together and one on the way which I had doubts about if it was mine or not because I don't believe that they never slept with each other. She told me she is not interested in that man and she had told him to bugger off because she wanted our marriage to work and that's why he confronted me, because she says he told her that he was going to destroy her life.
I had forgiven her and tried for us to make it work but she kept on not having respect for me or my parents. We had a big fight and she told me to get out. I have since left her and my parents found out about what's going on and told me to divorce her and that she is not right for me. My parents told me that they will support me and pay for my kids schooling and my expenses on the condition that I divorce her. I still love her very much and she wants me back I don't know what to do.
If I go back to her my parents will be devastated. I love her and I love my parents I don't know what to do.
please help
- faizme
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Salaams,
I'm sorry but love is blind. You need to leave her and get a divorce. She is a disgrace. There were rumours but you never paid attention to them. Of course people can make nasty lies about others, but in the case of your wife they were true.
She should have been so grateful at having the chance to marry again, already having kids. She gives divorced women a bad name.
Her boss at least had the guts to reveal the truth about how money hungry and calculating she is. Even if he isn't exactly telling the truth, there are messages between the both of them and he had her chain that you bought. What more evidence do you need?
You ought to listen to your parents this time. Get custody of your children as well. As for her two daughters from the previous marriage, well unfortunately they'll be stuck with her. However your parents are reaching out to again despite you not listening to them in the first place.
You say 'she wants you back' ?? Er what? She is not in a position to speak like this. Get rid of her. You cannot replace your parents but you can replace your wife and keep your kids with you.
Please regain your dignity and get shot of this foul woman. Without respect and trust, there is no love.
Hope you do the RIGHT thing,
Regards
Hopeful
U would b a dream husband for a woman that deserves u. Brother she will never get back on the right track. Shes been playing u from the start. U do not want tis relationship. If I were u, I would get a DNA test for that unborn child, and start a new life with someone that deserves u, she had broken ur trust, and she will do it again, for wat she is doin is like a disease and will never go away. Start a new life with a caring, respectful wife. Hopefully u will make a good decision.
Salam, brother
My God ! what a painful story !
I have six words for you : leave her, leave her, leave her !
It's going to be hard to forget about her and move on but you HAVE to. You owe it to yourself and to your children, who I really think you should take away with you. You can't leave your kids with a woman like that !
May Allah give you a new wife worthy of being with someone like you. From what you've told us, I think you're a wonderful human being and you deserve the best.
I will be praying for you inshaAllah.
Wafa.
Salaam my Brother,
I am sorry for this agony that you are being put through. I understand that you love your wife intensively, but your separation is the best thing that could have happened in this situation.
If there is no consequence to our actions - then we have no reason to change those actions. Your wife has committed indiscretion after indiscretion and there has been no consequence. Even in the face of her worst behaviour, she still had the audacity to give silent treatment and treat you badly, in spite of committing every transgression in the book. Again, no consequence: she has lost respect for you completely, and you have done nothing to show your strength until now.
If you want your wife to have any positive feelings or respect towards you, you will have to ask her for more than an apology and a few promises to go back to that life with her, because if getting you back is an easy process for her, she will only take you for granted again, and you will be stuck in the same repeat cycle.
Your parents are giving you good, sound advice - there is no need for you to suffer like this, and put yourself through this agony with a woman who can think only of herself. However if you are really determined that you want to make this work, I would recommend that you take a significant break from her, during which time you can invest in yourself, your own sense of self esteem, your confidence and reconnect with the truth that no one deserves that kind of treatment and there is a better life available for you which you can access through your own decisions.
Invest heavily in yourself and your sense of self worth, do not rush back to your wife until you have really understood that you are a valuable human being who deserves to be treated well, and who deserves a loyal wife. If you decide that you want to try one last time, let her know clearly that this is her last chance and the next time it will be over - be firm and strong in yourself and make sure that negative actions have negative consequences.
Personally, I would recommend that you do not return to this woman - but if you really insist on doing so: do so with firmness, confidence and strength and raise the standard by which you expect to be treated and stick to that standard.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
I do agree with sister Leyla that a husband should behave more confidently and show her that her actions
have consequences. Furthermore, the husband should show authority- and strength. This doesn't mean
you have to be a dictator, but you shouldn't let your wife play with your feelings and your pride.
After all, you are the head of the family in terms of providing for the children, earning money etc.
Brother, all I can say is: Preserve your self-respect. She wanted to get rid of you. She's playing with you
and from what you wrote, her psychological-well being doesn't seem to be stable as well. How do you
know that this man said the truth? Even if they didn't sleep together, she doesn't have the right to
talk to a non-mahram men with lust, pleasure or whatever. Even an emotional relationship is not acceptable
in Islam. And I wonder how you tolerated that much. Your parents warned you and sometimes the elders
are wiser than we are and have a common sense that can protect us from similar situations.
Make him disappear?????? Why do you give a wife a second chance that wanted to kill you or
remove you??????? This isn't love, you are addicted to a person who is like poison for you. She gave
him your Valentine Chain, Brother, where is your self-respect? I don't think that an Islamic advice can
help here, the whole fundament is shaky because she didn't want you from the beginning. Sometimes
a marriage can be saved by separating beds, admonishing,her making a journey or going on a second
honey moon, but here, nothing helps. She is playing with you and knows that she can do everything
she wants, she's never going to lose you. Teach her a lesson by showing her the door.
It's ironic; I've answered so many posts up to now about marital problems. A sister wrote: Men are like
shadows. If you come near them, they are running away from you. If you run away from them, they
follow you. It seems as if in a relationship, it's a power play. There's always the love slave who is
desperately in love, who unconditionally falls for his partner, no matter what you do to him, he
wants to stay in the relationship. And the "powerful"counterpart, the one who can behave the way
he/she wants, show his power, you love me, it's your fault, I can do whatever I want. You don't show
me any limits, you don't have any self-respect, I don't care. You won't go away anyway.....
In a successful relationship, brother, partners have to show each other limits from the beginning.
If the self-respect has been lost once, it can never be regained. You don't have the right to treat me
like that, khalas. Eleonor Roosevelt said: You will only feel inferior to someone if you let it happen yourself.
Love is good, but it shouldn't get to the partner's head. You have to love yourself more than your spouse.
you are such a patient man with wonderful akhlagh. But for your next relationship, you should make your
limits clear from the beginning, don't make your partner disrespect you more and more. We are always
treated the way we treat ourselves. I've been in a similar relationship, I know what I'm talking about.
Your wife is trying out everything, emotional blackmailing by crying and wanting you back, then starting
the same bad treatment again. In German we say: An end with horror is better than living in horror without
and end.
Jazakallah, dear Brother, may Allah send you the best of wives
Comment from the original poster faizme:
"My dear brothers and sisters thankyou so much for your advise. especially brother Jannah what you are saying is 100% correct she is doing that to me exactly what you said,and you are right i should get over her fast it will be hard but it will be the best for me as i can already see that she has no intention of treating me nicely. Your responses came a little long time later cause i had decided that maybe i should give her another chance once i told her that lets try make it work she said i need to think about it i love you but things have changed. when i tried to be closer with her and go visit more often i could see that she was too busy on her phone smsing god knows who and when i ask her who she smsing she tells me why do you want to know.my brother she just using me and deep inside i know she still lies to me she makes me feel guilty all the time like im the reason all this happend . i am not going to take her crap anymore you sound like you know what your talking about thankyou my brother for your good sound advice."
Salams
i'm so happy that I could help you brother. You have deserved better. And by the way: I'm sister
Jannah:)
May God bless you and your children and give you patience
As-salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh
Bro. Faizme,
May Allah reward you for your patience and perserverance. Know that Allah will never leave your good deeds to go to waste. Sadly at times we may love another more than we love ourselves or even Allah Ta'Ala.
As Muslims we are called to love Allah the most and then the Prophet sallahu alayhi wa salaam.
Then are love goes to our spouses and family members etc.
We as Muslims we created for Jannah. We must live as such. When a spouse disregards Allah Ta'Ala in their actions and aren't willing to repent then we have a right to follow the ways of the Sunnah and seek a divorce. This way Insha-Allah the person may be lead to repenatance or you will be free to marry another.
Please guard your mental and physical well being. Sadness at times can be overwhelming.
As the blessed days of Ramadan are ending pray with a steadfastness and zeal for your future.
You will be in my duas as well.
Your Sister in Islam
~Kalia~
Salam brother faiz
Like someone said above that u will be a dream husband for every woman who wants to live a happy life.
I m in a situation where my fiance is blackmailing me to marry him or he will expose my stuffs. I mean if a guy can forgive her even after he knows she has been cheating her for 10 years, it shows how much true love u have for this woman and how generous you are.
But its high time that you realize that your parents are not trying to break your marital home, rather they r telling you to make your BROKEN home official by giving her a divorce.
Yes she should have obeyed you and been a slave to u for all those favours u were doign for her despite knowing that she is unfaithful. But if u let her come back to ur life once again, she will take u for granted.
Leave her to face the world alone. Only then she will realize what she has LOST.
Allah will give you the fruits of all the patience and love you showed towards her. Ameen.
And what i appreciate you for is that, when the boss showed u the pictures, any man would have divorced hsi wife then and there. But you forgave her. And believed her story.
The saying goes right with you : Forgive as you want yourself to be forgiven.
She didn't value your generosity, that's her bad deeds which you need not worry.
Take care and get a nice woman as your wife who will respect and love u back more tahn you ever loved anyone else. Ameen.
Good deeds never go waste. Either they give u back the favor through someone else, or Allah takes care of them to bless you with Jannah.
And this bad experience of 10 years should not make you suspicious of your next wife. She should not be affected by whatever mishaps you underwent.
P.S: Please do pray for me n my family. I m betrayed too by my fiance who took advantage of me for 2 years, never told about his past, lied lied n lied, n now is blackmailing to bad repute me.