Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am in love with a Christian woman and want to marry her

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Salam to all my dear brothers and sisters.

I am a young man of 24 years, born and living in a gulf country with my family. The world is getting more and more smaller with people travelling to different places quickly, settling in new places, understanding other people regardless of their background, education has opened new door to understand that we are human beings at the end of the day no matter what position we hold in society.

I have met a young woman, a Christian, that meeting was based on communicating views, opinions and suggestion of life, the world, general topics in todays news. That discussions made us to be closer, understanding each other, and we are in love.

We understand that we are of different religion, she understands islam and is trying to know more through Quran study centres. We have not engaged in any sins, my family found out of our relationship and I said to them that I have the sole intention of marrying her.

My family brought different topics that she is not good like she talks with a lot of guys etc. I understand that todays workplace we talk with the opposite sex quiet frequently regarding work issues.

They also said that she is from a different country, race and religion and they find it hard it will affect their family name in the society.  I dont understand from when we humans have this big family name that we worry about. I dont see that we are kings or belong to the Prophets family, when will we people understand that we all are equal irrespective of race, country etc, that we are from Bani Adam.

As I found out, that marriage is an individual right when a person has attained maturity, responsibility he or she can choose the person that they want to get married for life.

- Brother86

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10 Responses »

  1. Brother86, first of all I want to say that it's very good that you have not committed any sins with this young lady, and that your intention is purely marriage. Right off the bat that puts you in a good place as a Muslim. Keep your intentions pure, and let the pleasure of Allah be your guide.

    However, I'm sorry to say that I'm not totally buying what you are selling. You speak philosophically of the world getting smaller, and the importance of education, and then you say that you fell in love with a young Christian woman, "based on communicating views, opinions and suggestion of life, the world, general topics in todays news."

    Come on, bro. I'm happy to advise you, but as one writer to another, and someone who like you is good with words, I'll tell you that if you want to be taken seriously then you need to keep it real, as they say. Be honest about your feelings and your parents' concerns.

    When your parents object that the girl talks to a lot of guys, do you really think they are referring to workplace discussions? What they are saying is that there's a fundamental culture clash between you and this girl. She comes from a culture that does not value chastity and modesty. Maybe she has had previous sexual experiences. Maybe she has male friends. All of this clashes with our Islamic values and traditions, and though you shrug it off like it doesn't bother you, when you get married and she has "guy friends" calling her, will you be so understanding?

    Maybe I'm making false assumptions, but I'm having to do so because you are a smooth talker, and you tend to leave out important details.

    The part about affecting the family name, I don't agree with that and I'm with you on that issue. We are all part of the human family, and as long as the girl is respectable - (!) - then "family name" should not be an issue.

    I also agree that any sensible, rational adult should be allowed to choose his own partner without interference or outside control.

    Have you considered asking the girl to accept Islam? This will bring forgiveness from Allah for whatever mistakes she has made in the past, and will bring the two of you together on a common foundation, and may alleviate your parents' concerns.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Assalamualikum Brother.

    I cannot talk about anyone else, for I cannot judge what is in their heart, but I can talk about myself, because I surely know what is there inside my heart. As a person, I believe that every person should first judge himself or herself with brute honesty, and by the blessing of Allah, I try to do that most of the times. Therefore, I am going to share my experience.

    A Muslim does not commit a sin or a task that is displeasing in the eyes of Allah right away. His nafs wants to commit that task but his upper self-the spiritual one, resists initially. So, the Shaytan first attempts to soften up the spiritual self. For example, before I completely overcame my porn addiction by the grace of Almighty Allah, I decided many times that I will never watch porn again but I used to slip. Before each slip, Shaytan used to soften me up. Do you want to know how? Whenever I would be browsing alone, Shaytan would come and whisper, "Come on, watch something now. You can repent before you die". After my initial resistance, Shaytan would say, "Come on man, watch some erotic dance instead. At least you are not going to watch nudity". After some resistance, I would give up. Soon after I watched something that was semi nude, my urge would eventually become so irresistible that I had to watch porn at the end and feel enormously guilty after it. It was cumbersome cycle and thanks Allah that he freed me from it.

    Now, marrying a Christian girl is not something that has immediate drastic consequence like that of watching porn, but such inter-religion marriage is very likely to produce a consequence in the long run that would be displeasing to Allah but gratifying to Shaytan. Your sub-conscious mind knows about such detrimental consequence and your spiritual self fears it, and that is why you have asked this question in this website. You want to marry that girl, but your spiritual self is feeling little insecure. It is Shaytan who often helps us overcome the insecurities of our spiritual self most of the times.

    When I was a university student, there used to be many gorgeous Christian girls out. There where Americans, Australians, Lebanese, Egyptian and such. They were smart, beautiful to that extent that they would cause my heart ache, but they were Christian. I will not lie, for Allah knows what is there in my heart, and I used to get turned on by their beauty. Shaytan would come and whisper, "Man, only if you have married such a girl, you would have been living happily ever after". OK, I would say NO to myself, and then Shaytan would say, "OK, you do not have to marry. Just go, talk and have little chat. Exchange your views, you can be friends". Allah also prevented me from having such friends, because in m heart I would know that the only reason I was ready to enslave myself to one such girl was her beauty. On the other hand, I had Muslim classmates who made friendships with those girls and ended up doing things that were illegal according to Shariah. If you ask them why they married Christians, they would come up with excuse like you have given here: “We share the same view, we respect each other’s religion and we are compatible”. But look at their children, they are neither Muslim nor Christian, rather in most cases they are agnostic. And Shaytan loves children who are not being nurtured Islamic way, because it increases the number of “Hizbush Shaytan”-the Shaytan’s party.

    In a nutshell what I am trying to say to you brother, as politely as possible, is think and reflect. And do that with brute honesty. I am a brother like you, 22 years of old (will become 23 this October) and I went through the same situation. I am not including you here, but most Muslim brothers sell themselves and their deen for beauty but Shaytan conceals this fact or make it blurry before them with some other confusing thoughts. Shaytan wants to win in the long run. So, think!

    May Allah guide you in the right way.

    • "blackhole" (maybe you can come up with a more positive username?), thanks for this brutally honest and quite brilliant response. This is one of the best comments I've seen here in some time.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • @ Wael. YOu are very right! If you can't convert or she can't convert than marriage will be a big problem later on when you two have children. I have so many Muslim friends married to another race, another religion are suffering ... ended up in divorce because which religion my children should be. Aweful! I am Catholic and I have Muslim boyfriend but can't think of marriage. Because I will not convert and so does he.

  3. I was a christian girl and i married a muslim man. We talked and chatted for an entire year and not sinned in any way. being unchaste is a sin in both the christian and the Islamic world.
    I married this gentleman and even did my haj. i am a doctor and i have to talk to other male and other females, but let me tell you all that being a true Christian is being submissive to One God believing in Him to the exclusion of andything or anyone else.
    The other thing I need to tell Muslim and Chritians alike. the Christians have been waiting for the Last Testament, Read the quaran and tell me whether that is what you have been waiting for.
    If you are a true Christian you will understand this is what you waited for.
    Going for Haj, you will now see is what every Christain should do. Broaden your Christian horizen open your mind and read the Quaran. You will be surprised.
    To everyone reading I am sorry to deviate from the topic a little I just wanted to add my experience and my delight at finding Islam (To Allah, the praise, the glory and the honour)

  4. truly its a shame wat this world us comin too. But please b respectful of others, what they do is their business. Surely Allah is watchin everyone.

  5. Sister "I", please give us a break from the cynicism and bitterness. Of course there are bad apples, but most Muslim men are good and wholesome individuals, and good family men. I understand that you've had a bad experience, but your generalizations and angry comments are not helpful to others who need unbiased advice.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com

  6. Dear All

    I somehow feel sad when reading some comments also with judgment and generalization about Christian women. I've been trying to learn from your beautiful religion of Islam as I'm in a situation like this, but I'm the Christian girl that has the best wishes from a Pakistani guy, and we also want to get married. Again, the chastity is also a commandment to Christians, and several families take is very seriously. This misunderstood idea some Muslims might have from the western Christians also need to be better understood, and the same way back, as western people know very few about oriental cultures....

    I want to convert into Muslim for several reasons, and some of them encompass the true devotion I have for an institution called Marriage, I really believe that's the best a person can make in life as a new family is being created and the best of these two people and their generations and ancestress is passed through the education given to the children. I agree about the extra efforts needed into a mixed couple regarding the children orientation to religiosity, and I'd love to give birth to another Muslim child, as I'm accepting a new religion in my heart and life on behalf of all the wonderful bless I will have in life having myself this Muslim husband to be, and our family will be so important and meaningful that I don't see an issue about creating a lovely home that follow Islam faith in all the essence, as I believe this beautiful religion is also based on the same values I have been following my entire life, I just didn't know they were there under the faith of this religion until I knew him and all this new universe. Again, lack of knowledge.

    I'm sorry if I could not translate all the emotion I have about this subject into the real worlds, English is my second language so I still have some difficulties when it comes out of the professional use. I hope I could help somehow, with true testimonial about the power of love and how this bonding between two people that can connect themselves in this huge commitment is powerful and able to create the impossible. I also would like to say that respect is the most important thing to make it happen, and had all the people involved been aware of the scenario, why not to struggle for something real and pure as the love of two people that want to create a family and donate the best they are to each other?

    Dear Brother, I really wish you all the best and wisdom to you, your family and all the fellows that might be touched by the consequences. I'm cheering for your success with my deepest feelings.

    Best regards,
    Luiloo

    • Luiloo:

      Your English is very good.

      And Mashallah that you are entering the fold of Islam. Do it ASAP. You are going to save yourself from Fire.

      I wish you all the best.

  7. bismiAllah hir Rahman nir Raheem

    Assalam o alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    Dear Luiloo, most welcome to Islam, I congratulate you on this wise decision, and do it ASAP.

    Dear Brother86, talk to her, if she converts to Islam, you can do Istikhara with Allah that if you should marry her. If it comes positive you can go ahead. May Allah Subhanahu guide us and you in your decisions. You should try to convince her to Islam.

    JazakAllah Khair

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