Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am in love with an idolater

Rotten apple

Assalamulaikum to all dear brothers and sisters and Ramadan Kareem,

Please read my case very carefully, and any kind of useful advice or dua given would be considered. But please, I don't want to hear that loving a non muslim is haram, because I believe that Allah Sees intentions Alhamdulillah. I don't love him selfishly for just worldy matters, I really love him from my heart for the sake of the hereafter, too- in fact more. I know this sounds confusing, but I will explain how this boy and I first became just friends.

He was and is always very sweet, caring, loving and respectful Alhamdulillah, and I was and I am same way with him. When our friendship started my heart was only towards him in humanity and just as friend. Then one day (after almost 10 to 11 month later) I was watching the Quran Kareem mubashir channel, where Quran translation was coming in english. An Ayat came (which I do have in mind, but don't remember the words exactly. I am not being able to find it on google). I don't know how or why, but this Ayat just clicked my heart and I got like a feeling of realization in my heart of, what kind of a selfish friend am I?

This boy is such a sweet natured person. I mean literally, I have never witnessed anything bad in him, except of course that he does shirk. So I thought that if Allah forgives me and gives me a place in paradise, and this boy because of disbelief goes to (I don't want to write the word), then we all know that the believers would look down at the disbelievers on that day. So I thought if Allah forbids this, then on that day won't he look at me (that is, if my sins are forgiven and if I go to paradise) with questioning eyes? That I was such a sweet, caring, loving, respectful and a sincere friend to you, then couldn'tyou have invited or at least tried to invite me towards the right path while you knew?

I then decided that I will try and invite him and try to make him see sense, and fulfill my part as a friend. Well I tried many times and not just once, because I love him and care for him, and because he was and is also my best friend. I make duas for him too that Allah guides him to the right path, In Sha Allah Ameen!

Ok then a few months later we became more than best friends, meaning we began wishing we could get married etc. He also proposed to me, but because I know that I cannot marry a non muslim unless he becomes muslim I told him clearly that I could only marry him if he accepts Islam. I told him he cannot do it by force (meaning not for me, but by heart only), because I know that forcing is wrong. I also told him (like I was also telling him before, and I still tell him that) that at least he should research about Islam once, then if Allah puts sense and acceptance of Islam in his heart In Sha Allah he can convert. If not, even after proper research,  then it's his choice.

Now the main point is that I really love him from all my heart, and I can only be in a relationship with him for just 2 more years (or I am not sure).  I have told him that he has just 2 years, so if he wants to give a chance and research about Islam and convert, then I can and will marry him by the end or beginning of the third year (In Sha Allah). But if he doesn't, or does the research but doesn't accept, then I would have to marry my parents' choice (obviously putting a stone on my heart). They have dreams for me and I must do for them, (means marriage) but I will keep praying for his hidaya after every namaz until my last breath.

I know people will say, "but what if he has done the research, and still he doesnt get it?" Yes, that is true, but I have strong and blind belief that if you ask Allah for something without selfishness and with a sincere heart, He listens and answers Alhamdulillah. He is able to do anything and everything, so if He wills then In Sha Allah even after this He can put hidaya in his heart even any time later in life regardless In Sha Allah.

So my duas for this guy are unselfish Alhamdulillah, because I don't wish that Allah give him hidaya just so I can get married to him, I wish that Allah give him hidaya regardless, meaning even if after the 2 years time goes. I really don't know why, but I cry a lot out of fear for him, because I know what is to happen to disbelievers as mentioned in Quran. I wish this doesn't happen to him In Sha Allah, which is only possible if he gets hidaya. I feel pain for him, but I am human. I am helpless and nothing is in my hands except dua, so may Allah accept all my duas for him In Sha Allah Ameen!

Anyone reading this I request them to also say Ameen even if in your heart, but please do it In Sha Alla. I am not sure whether I am a good muslim-  meaning good enough that my duas for him are accepted. But still a person should not lose hope in Allah, so I still make duas Alhamdulillah, but who knows? It may just be that anyone of you reading this might be better muslim and much close to Allah than me. so if I am not good enough muslim, then maybe Allah will accept your Ameen, wishing for the best In Sha Allah and Jazak Allah Khair to all who took their time to read my case.

Ok so I have an update to my case. for the past 2-3 days I have been crying a lot to Allah, because somehow I know that premarital relationships are haram even if we are not physically touching each other. Now the problem is that I fear leaving him, because like I said I love him and I don't want to leave him in the dark. I can't do this to him, because we love each other alot.

Now in my crying I was asking Allah for help. I said that (well I said it in urdu, but I'm translating here in english), Ya Allah, You know my intentions are pure, I really love him and not just lustly for myself. I don't wish him to stay in the dark and go to hell- Allah forbid. Please Allah, remove the veils of kufr from his heart, brain, eyes, and ears.  Guide him to your light, make him see sense, create interest in his heart to learn about Islam, and make his heart and brain accept it too, In Sha Allah Ameen. Ya Allah, whether me and him get married in this world or not, I just wish that he converts by heart and becomes a pious and practicing muslim, and earn your love, so that You may bless him with Jannah in the hereafter In Sha Allah Ameen.

Ya Allah, I know you must be saying, 'how do you expect Me to Answer your duas if you yourself are in a haram relationship?'  Ya Allah, You know what my fear is. My fear is that if I leave him for his own good so that You may In Sha Allah guide him to the right path, he might take my leaving negatively and become biased. Of course it's human nature that he might not even have any respect whatsoever for muslims then.  It happens, not intentionally, but it does when your loved one hurt you (even if for good reasons, but will he understand?). Ya Allah, if my fear is logical and if I leave him, how will he be guided to Islam? If I myself create biasedness in him?  I am confused and I don't know what to do. Please Ya Allah, give me a sign or something to indicate to me what I should do so that my duas for him are accepted and fulfilled In Sha Allah Ameen!

Then the morning of 7/15/2014 I had a dream that me and my family arrived in the House of Allah (Khane-e-Kaba), and I am thinking in my heart that when one sees Kaba, the first 3 duas are guaranteed to be accepted Alhamdulillah. As I am about to raise my hands to make dua (the same dua I make when awake for him), my mom says to me (well she said it in urdu but im translating here in english) "no first we are supposed to make dua at a masjid, then make dua looking at Kaba, then it will be accepted (In Sha Allah)". So then I saw myself making the same dua I make for him when awake, and looking at a very beautiful white mosque Alhamdulillah. Then we went towards the Kaba Alhamdulillah.

The dream seems to be good, and I wish its outcome (tabeer) is good too. I hope my duas for him be accepted In Sha Allah Ameen! But I am still confused because if this was a sign from Allah, then what is He expecting me to do? What should I do? Can any one wise and intelligent (and it would be more helpful if they are religious) give me honest advice? Jazak Allah Khair for reading my update.


Tagged as: , , , , , ,

4 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister , As you say you are aware that In Islam Having relationship withought marriage is Haram .Not only with non muslims even if you have muslim boyfriend it is Haram.Why you are getting so much involved with some person who is not only non muslim but also non mehrem. Shayateen are misguiding you as you think you are doing great work by continously chasing him to accept or research islam and continuing this haram relationship . As a muslim we are supposed to give Dawa. I suggest you to worry about non muslim sisters in your group and put efforts to bring them in to Islam and not this boy .Cut out all relationship with this boy and focus towards leading an Islamic life .you are saying you will make Dua for him till last breath even after you get married to some one in your muslim family .Shaytaan has perfectly trapped you to get involved in extramarital relationship I. future .so come out of this .Love Allah and his prophet (SAS) more than anyone else ...May Allah guide you to straight path.ameen

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Sister, it may be difficult to see a way through this situation, but if you look at the guidance that Allah has given us, the path is clear to see. That doesn't mean it is easy, as doing the right thing is often very, very hard.

    Putting feelings aside, look at the facts of the situation:

    This boy is a non-mahram. So, you need to observe appropriate limits with him; pre-marital romantic relationships aren't appropriate. In order to have a halal relationship with a non-mahram boy, he would need to approach your family and propose marriage through appropriate Islamic channels.

    Additionally, this boy is a non-Muslim. As Muslimahs, we are given guidance that we should only marry Muslim men. So, before he can propose to you, he would need to accept Islam in his heart.

    If he is serious about wanting to learn about Islam, then he needs to start looking into it and seeking information from appropriate sources, such as the local mosque, "new to Islam" classes, a translation of the Quran, reputable websites, etc.

    It isn't appropriate for you to take it upon yourself to give dawah in this situation. Firstly, it would mean a Muslimah spending time in private contact with a non-Muslim non-mahram (which isn't appropriate), and secondly, it might (unintentionally) put pressure on him to convert even if he doesn't feel it is right for him in his heart.

    Rather than waiting 2-3 years, I would advise that you tell him to go find out more about Islam, that if he accepts it in his heart you would be happy to receive a proposal from him, and you could give him contact details for some resources (the local mosque, a bookstore, some websites). Then, explain that the two of you can't be in private contact while he is considering this - because it would go against the guidance of your faith, and because it might bias him in his research of Islam. You could then ask that, if he decides that Islam and marriage are the path for him, he can contact your family with a proposal.

    If he does that, then Alhamdulillah - he can bring a proposal, and if your wali is happy with it, the two of you can marry and have a halal relationship. If he isn't prepared to put in the time and effort to research Islam, then that says quite a bit about his commitment. If he researches Islam and feels that this isn't the right path for him, then it may be that Allah has a different plan for him just now, and maybe he will accept Islam later in life, inshaAllah.

    We cannot always help our feelings or our thoughts, but what we can do is make sure we act in accordance with Islamic guidance.

    Midnightmoon editor

  3. @Sister Midnightmoon

    The response cdnt have been better.
    Wonderful advice Mashallah.

  4. From my personal experiences of love, i can tell you one thing. It might sound harsh but rarely, if ever, soulmates end up together. You were fated but not destined. But that doesnt mean you have to stop loving him, but what you have to do is move on, have a family of your own. Maybe this is not the best advice out there, maybe i should tell you how wrong it is to date any1(something that u already know), but the truth is, sometimes you just have to accept the consequences in a more practical way. The one thing that you can do is pray for him and for yourself.

Leave a Response