In love with my cousin, staying away from zinaa
My name is Salman I am 20 years of age, I have 2 somewhat problematic questions.
1) I have liked a girl for about 7 years and first told her when I was 13 but since we were too young we said we’ll see about it later, (Thinking that it puberty was playing a role in it and hoping it was a crush). About 3 years later in February of 06 she told me she liked me as well and in summer 08 she told me she loved me as well. We got very emotional and we kissed a few times, and then realized what we were doing was wrong I have repented from Allah SWT many times. Thanks to Allah (SWT) I haven’t done any such activity ever.
We have lived in different states and she is my cousin from my mother side (Aunt’s daughter). I still love her just as much if not more, but she broke into tears May 09 and started saying things such as everything is my fault. Me being the way I am I asked her what she wanted and she asked me never to speak or see her again. So I had no choice and we finished all contact.
3-4 months later I received a call from her crying and apologizing and again me being a stupid I didn’t ask her any questions and I just calmed her down. Ever since then we talk on a regular basis and I still love her more than anything in this world, (Allah and Prophets excluded). The problem is that her mother, my aunt, believes that marriages between cousins are haram and that only Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) had permission to marry them. I am exhausted of life and don’t know what to do. Please advise me on what to do and how to convince her otherwise.
2) I have returned to my home country with a few friends from US, and it seems that unlike me, they made for themselves goals such as losing their virginity. From what I know they have already done some bad deeds and they expect me to do it as well. I told them out right not to expect any such things from me. But what I want is to save them from these activities.
My parents have taught me well and I am strong enough to stay away from most sins Alhamdulillah, But I like the girl to the point where I cry myself to sleep, I was prescribed anti-depressants last year by the doctor 6 months ago but I declined to take them as I don’t want fake feelings. I still have hope that something might happen and somehow everything will work out. My parents know how I feel about her, and they support me if I try but at the same time they don’t want me to try. How can I convince them that cousin marriage isn’t haram and how can I help my friends stay away from zina and alcohol?
4 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Asalaamualaikum Salman,
Alhumdulillah you have sought repentance from Allah for the sins you have committed. I will advise you to do all you can to keep yourself from being influenced by Shaytaan again. Hence I will answer your second question first.
You asked: "How can I help my friends stay away from zina and alcohol? May Allah reward you for your sincere intentions in wanting to help your friends. The Prophet (SallAllahu alaihi wasallam) said:
"Each of you is the mirror of his brother, so if he sees any fault in him he should wipe it away from him." [Tirmidhi]
Remember you can only make an effort to help your friends abstain from indulging in zina and consuming alcohol. This effort will inshaAllah be an act loved by Allah - if done in the right manner. You can try to help them by being a good example and giving them reminders. However I would remind you to refrain from socialising with them when they are engaging in activies that are prohibited by Allah. As the Prophet(saw) said: “A person follows the Deen (way of life) of his close friend; therefore let each of you look carefully at whom he chooses for friends.” [Tirmidhi]
Point being that if you treat these people as your closest friends, you are risking falling into the same trap as them. If you spend too much time with these friends, you will eventually start becoming de-sensitized to the sins they are committing. When this happens, it means your protective barrier has begun to break down, hence leaving you more prone to being influenced - and Shaytaan will be there at that moment, whispering into your ear to make zina and alcohol seem very tempting to you.
The Prophet(saw) also said: “The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like that of the seller of musk, and the one who blows the blacksmith’s bellows. So as for the seller of musk then either he will grant you some, or you buy some from him, or at least you enjoy a pleasant smell from him. As for the one who blows the blacksmith’s bellows then either he will burn your clothes or you will get an offensive smell from him.”
I do not believe that this means you ignore your friends, as if you do this, you will be giving up your chance to help them as one Muslim to another. So distance yourself from them in matters of haraam socialising but visit them when they are ill, inquire about their families, feed them when they are hungry, attend to their needs, keep their private affairs to yourself and share your wealth with them if for a good purpose. Take control, arrange an occasional boys day or night, where you decide what the activity is - and make it halaal.
If your friends question why you do not want to socialise with them as much as before, tell them clearly why and remind them of Allah(swt)'s warnings to us about abstaining from zina and alcohol. These two evils are major sins and there are severe punishments for giving into such temptations (quote to them Allah's warning and punishment from the Quran and also mention how they can be forgiven). They may understand, they may not; if they do not understand - do not argue, just make your point and leave. You may find it difficult if they respond badly, but take it as a test from Allah.
Allah (swt) says in Al Quran Surah Al Qasas chapter 28 verse 55:
"And when they hear vain talk, they turn away there from and say: ‘to us our deeds, and to you yours; peace (Salaams) be to you: we Seek not the ignorant.’"
Furthermore, Allah(swt) says in Al Quran, Surah Al Furqan chapter 25 verse 63:
"And the servants of (Allah) Most Gracious are those who walk on the earth in humility, and when the ignorant address them, they say, ‘Peace!’ (salaam)."
***
To answer your second question: How can I convince them that marrying a cousin is not haraam? It is quite simple, as Allah has clearly told us are whom we are forbidden to marry in Al Quran, Surah Nisa, Verse 23. No where in the Quran does Allah tell us that we cannot marry a cousin. Allah says:
"Forbidden unto you are your mothers, and your daughters, and your sisters, and your father's sisters, and your mother's sisters, and your brother's daughters and your sister's daughters, and your foster-mothers, and your foster-sisters, and your mothers-in-law, and your step-daughters who are under your protection (born) of your women unto whom ye have gone in - but if ye have not gone in unto them, then it is no sin for you (to marry their daughters) - and the wives of your sons who (spring) from your own loins. And (it is forbidden unto you) that ye should have two sisters together, except what hath already happened (of that nature) in the past. Lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful".
Show this proof from the Quran to your parents. If they still object, it may be that infact they have been objecting for a personal reason and have used this as an excuse. So you may need to find out what the real reason behind their objection is.
Brother, remain steadfast in Allah's way if you expect help from Him(swt) in this matter. Also guard yourself from temptations and bad company, as although you say you are strong enough to abstain from haraam; Shaytaan is watching for every opportunity to strike.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
Brother Salman, I think it's really commendable that you have stayed away from zinaa and drinking and other such sins. That's not an easy thing to do for a young man these days, and it's a testament to your strength and willpower, and your desire to please Allah. May Allah increase you in imaan and hayaa, and protect you and guide you. Don't lose that clean heart. Keep that purity, and put yourself in environments where it will be easy to stay pure, instead of environments where it is difficult or makes you feel like the odd one out. It may seem obvious, but if you want to stay pure, you must associate with people who have the same way of thinking.
So I second SisterZ's advice. You wanted to know how you can change your friends. The answer is that you cannot. No one can change anyone else and if you can accept this one simple fact I guarantee you it will save you a lot of heartache and trouble throughout your life. You cannot make your auntie agree with you, you cannot make your cousin marry you, you cannot make your friends change their behavior. You can only control your own beliefs and behavior. I am giving you one of the golden keys to happiness here, so I hope you accept it Insha'Allah.
Advise your friends. If they won't listen to you, find new friends. If your intention is to be a good and practicing Muslim, then you need to find friends who have the same mindset.
On the issue of your cousin, I am against cousin marriage in general as it is unhealthy and carries increased risk of genetic abnormalities and birth defects in the children. Also, there is the question of why your cousin broke it off with you and asked you not to contact her, then resumed as if nothing happened. Maybe she has mixed feelings about having a relationship with you. Maybe she enjoys talking to you on the phone, but does not want something more serious. These little events are hints, and it's a mistake to ignore them. In light of these obstacles, I would advise you to stop pursuing her, let her go, and open your mind to the possibility of finding someone else Insha'Allah.
It's easy to develop an attraction for the people that we spend time with and see frequently, but that does not mean that the person is meant for you, or destined for you. It's just because you have known that person for a long time, and spent time around her, and therefore have developed a psycho-sexual attraction to her.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I want to clarify that those cousin marriages that are more likely to lead to increased miscarriages and birth defects are the ones that have married into more than one or two generations. So Salman, if you are not related to your cousin through many generations of inter marrying; you may not have anything worry about. Although the Caliph Umar(ra) advised people to marry from afar in order to proetct their offspring.
So Salman, if you are not related to your cousin through many generations of inter marrying; you may not have anything worry about.
To that I am not so that is good knews.
Forbidden unto you are your mothers, and your daughters, and your sisters, and your father's sisters, and your mother's sisters, and your brother's daughters and your sister's daughters, and your foster-mothers, and your foster-sisters, and your mothers-in-law, and your step-daughters who are under your protection (born) of your women unto whom ye have gone in - but if ye have not gone in unto them, then it is no sin for you (to marry their daughters) - and the wives of your sons who (spring) from your own loins. And (it is forbidden unto you) that ye should have two sisters together, except what hath already happened (of that nature) in the past. Lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful".
Show this proof from the Quran to your parents
Their is another place in the Quran where it says and dnt quote me i dnt knw where but ill find out that, O Prophet PBUH you are allowed to marry X X X these x's are certain women and in these was you cousins as well. She takes that as Only the Prophet SAWS is allowed to marry them
ill find out the exact ayah for better refrence soon and let you knw.
BTW thx very much for all your help