Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In need of hope..too many issues with Self

Salaam, I recently found this website, read a lot of encouraging and positive Islamic advice and thought to share what I have been experiencing to maybe get some insights from others, InshaAllah.

My coping mechanisms have been put to a test and recently I have found myself in a very hopeless situation. Basically, I have been feeling very depressed and anxious about Everything. I am drowned in negative thoughts and emotions regardless of constantly praying and thinking about Allah. I have been reflecting on my past and feeling really embarrassed and shameful for many of the poor life choices I have made thus far. I am a 29 year old female, unmarried and unemployed.

To give some background, I grew up in a religious (Islamic) but loveless household. My father, the head of a mosque and my mum also very active in teaching Islam to others. However, our household was far from Islamic. There was prayer and fasting (exterior focus) but the loveless marriage of my parents caused there to be anger, fighting, abuse, sadness, and basically darkness in my home growing up. My father has always been distant from the family since him and my mother constantly fought. She cooked for him and us but they spent most of their lives not communicating at all for months-years or fighting harshly. My mother emotionally stepped out of the marriage, by talking to a childhood male friend of hers and swears it was never physical (but i have some doubts). I feel that this had traumatized me and contributed to a lot of the issues I have had and possibly still have. Also it had turned me away from Islam for a while and imprinted in me, a negative view of marriage.

I realize that many people have a horrible childhood but turn out to be okay as adults, but I feel that I was an overly sensitive child and internalized everything so deeply that I have til this day, not been able to fully let go of the hurt and pain. I am still trying to forgive my parents, I know that it wasn't their fault. They tried their best, i guess. They were not a good match for each other but it happened. It's just that I craved so much and still do, to have an ideal loving household so that I can feel safe and confident inside.

Now, looking back i feel that I have been sabotaging myself since a young age. I had always been an introverted kid, lacking confidence and self-esteem. When I was in high school, I had fellow male students approaching me and I easily gave in to enter haraam relationships. Mostly this was to fulfill an emptiness I felt inside and always seeking for love and approval from others. (I know, this is a mental disorder) After all that, I would not even feel secure or fulfilled in these relationships, so I would either step out (cheat) or break up and move on. Over the years I lost everything, my self respect, inner peace, everything. I have repented sincerely and have been working on myself for the last 5 years. Although, at times, I still do become haunted by own past and the negative aspects of myself.

Also, I now have this strong belief stuck in my mind that I am not good enough to be a wife to anyone because of my shameful/haraam past and possible mental issues stemming from early childhood. I am scared that the horrible things I have done will come back to haunt me even more if I chose to get married. Is it fair to involve someone else with my issues (future husband)?  Should I remain alone for the rest of my life? Is there hope for me? Can i turn this around and have a happy/better life? (I know suicide is haraam but to be honest, I feel that my life is over and hopelessness/depression/anxiety is taking over and feeling paralyzed to do anything.)

ChangingLife

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3 Responses »

  1. There is always hope. Trust Allah.
    Repent and seek counselling

  2. Wsalam,
    Ramadan Mubarak!
    Somewhere deep down, you know you have hope and the desire to be happy. Your words reflect your postivity and hope. But, you seem to think that turning life around is going to be way too difficult. Do not think like that sister. Nobody has a perfect life. We all have our struggles, blemishes from our past and have been in situations we are ashamed off and would want to erase from our past.
    As Islamic sister has suggested, I too would strongly suggest you to seek counselling so that you can make peace with your past.
    We are believers and we know that each one of us will be tested in one form or the other. No one is free of trials in this life. And I do not think except for the Prophets, others have never faltered in their lives. We
    all have. But, that doesn't mean we have no hope of mercy and happiness from Him. We do. We ask Him for both fervently. So, should you. There is no sin so great that Allah SWT wouldn't forgive. He has promised us forgiveness even if our sins were to reach the skies. Believe in that forgiveness.
    Yes, of course, you can definitely turn things around if you believe you can. Look for a job, complete your education, continue working on yourself. Most importantly pray and seek all your desires from Almighty; and then believe that all of this, a happy stable home, a loving husband and a beautiful life are all possible. Pursue your goals relentlessly and use all your resources.
    May Allah SWT bless you from His Infinite blessings and May this Ramadan be the beginning of hope and happiness for you. Ameen.

  3. Assalaamualaykum ChangingLife,

    You write:

    "I feel that I was an overly sensitive child and internalized everything so deeply that I have til this day, not been able to fully let go of the hurt and pain. I am still trying to forgive my parents, I know that it wasn't their fault. They tried their best, i guess."

    There is no such thing as being "overly sensitive." That sounds like a label put on you by the insensitive. You are sensitive and there is nothing wrong with that. Also, it may not have been your parents fault, but it wasn't your fault either. And because it wasn't your fault, it doesn't deserve your energy beyond what is required to heal and make peace with it, a place that you will inshallah get to. Your childhood environment was a test and you survived it!

    "Is it fair to involve someone else with my issues (future husband)?"

    To increase your self-worth, you can work on yourself in therapy as Islamic sister and friend have advised. You are an intelligent, sensitive, and loving person that your future husband will be blessed to have as his wife. And know too, that a husband is a "covering" for his wife and that a good man will not hold actions influenced by childhood scarcity (which I believe yours were) against you at all. He will provide you with love and comfort from your anxieties inshallah. Furthermore, your past is between you and Allah and you have every right to start a new life today, without the need to bring up your past to anyone unless you feel comfortable doing so.

    May Allah bless you with comfort and joy,

    Hugs,

    Nor

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