Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In on-line intimacy permissible within a marriage?

My husband is away and I miss him. I have spoken to him over the net using video call and done intimate things including self pleasure.

Please tell me is it forbidden or not?

- ARFE


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27 Responses »

  1. There's nothing wrong in contacting your husband online, just like a telephone call, but these 'initimate things' are just wrong and lead to perversion.

    You need to refrain from this. I think it is disgusting. Don't you have an emotional connection with your husband? Why does everything have to be sexual?

    Intimate acts should be confined to when husband and wife are physically together and not in any other way.

    Why are people so obsessed with sexual desire? Even animals behave in a more dignified way these days compared to human beings.

    Get yourself a halaal and worthwhile hobby instead and save your urges for when your husband returns home.

    • Hopeful, your comments with people lately have been very harsh and unkind. I've noticed that you tend to go back and forth. You have periods when you are helpful and kind toward people, and other periods when you are angry with people. If you know you are in a bad mood and feeling angry, please be careful with your comments. Maybe wait until your bad mood passes before commenting. People come here seeking help and guidance, not a slap in the face. If we denounce them angrily, we only alienate them and make them feel that Islam is harsh and mean.

      You do not have to approve of the acts that other people do to be able to give kind and helpful advice. Let's look to the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) as our example. Allah said to him in the Quran, 3:159:

      "So by mercy from Allah , [O Muúammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah . Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]."

      The Prophet (pbuh) was the most kind and gentle man, even with the disbelievers, some of whom were hardened opponents to Islam.

      Do you know the story of the time when the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) and some sahaba were sitting in the masjid, and a bedouin man came and urinated in a corner of the masjid? The sahaba were quite outraged and a few of them wanted to grab the man and beat him. The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said, "No, let him finish." When the man was done the Messenger (pbuh) went to him and explained kindly that the masjid is not the place for such things, then poured a bucket of water over the urine.

      He did not say to the man, "You are disgusting! What's the matter with you? Are you stupid?" No. He spoke to the man gently and calmly, and in doing so he made a new ally, as the man was quite grateful to him for teaching him. The bedouin was not stupid or perverted, he was simply not educated in city ways. He was a man of the desert, used to urinating wherever he wished, as long as he stood away from people. The Prophet (pbuh) no doubt understood this.

      Let's take him as our example. Our mission here to educate people with kindness so that they can be guided to the right way, not to berate them harshly so that they run from our words.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • How extreme! When someone has had emotional hardships through turbulent relationships, the general line of advice is get over it, on this site and the persons plight is trivialised. Whereby it can take a long time to readjust and so on, especially if there are children involved. It's true, I have read many problems on here where people have been abandoned or hurt by spouses and some advice has been rather curt and making a person feel pathetic for being upset by things. By the way, if one is wronged and IF they did feel sorry for themselves, they would be justified.

        However, when it comes to deviants of all perversions, empathy and kindness is expected to be metered out, regardless of Islamic viewpoints. I was merely to the point. Since how can people have a nerve to even ask such questions? They must know these things are haraam but are looking for innovative rulings to justify and sanction this type of behaviour. We cannot alter the rulings of Allah, which have been set in place for mankind till the end of time and to remain constant. We cannot adapt things to keep pace with modern day depravity.

        That's what's wrong with the Ummah of today. Too much pandering to transgressors, whilst those suffering real hardships are dealt with curtly.

        The example you gave of the bedoin shows that the bedoin came from an uneducated culture and thus due to his lack if knowledge and education, kindness and patience was shown. Thus, if you were giving Dawah to non-Muslims, you would approach topics differently than if you were talking to Muslims, since you would expect Muslims to at least be aware of issues.

        There is nothing wrong in expecting Muslims to have a basic level of modesty. It doesn't matter what you say, how can anyone ponder on whether masturbating to a computer is permissible?

        I am not in a bad mood, I am in shock regarding the levels some people go to. Also how shameless people have become.

        • Hopeful, yes it's true there is a lot of bad behavior in the Ummah. But there is also a lot of ignorance and lack of education. You said that you would speak differently to non-Muslims, but with Muslims you expect them to at least be aware of issues. But the truth is that often Muslims are not aware. Also you asked, how can people have the nerve to ask such questions. But the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) taught us that no subjects are off limits when it comes to asking about halal and haram. Do you know that he (the Messenger) gave rulings even on subjects such as anal sex? He was asked about it, but he did not say, "That's disgusting, how can you even ask me that?" He addressed the subject and gave a ruling on it.

          I am not suggesting that we pander to anyone, nor "adapt things to keep pace with modern day depravity" as you said. Not at all. You can tell people, "This behavior is forbidden in Islam." (while providing your evidence). You can tell them, "It is haram and inappropriate and you must stop immediately." You can tell them, "It's a serious sin and you should not do it."

          But it's not helpful to tell people, "I think it's disgusting," or, "Even animals behave in a more dignified way..." Or calling people "shameless" or "you sound like a spoilt brat" as you did with a few other questioners. Such comments will only hurt people and drive them away, instead of guiding them.

          Your other point is not really on topic, but I'll address it. You said that we (or I) are curt with people suffering emotional hardships from turbulent relationships, and that we trivialize their plights by telling them to get over it. I don't think this is true. Do you think I don't understand the pain of a failed relationship? I do. I also understand the deep hurt and distress of betrayal by a loved one. It can be very, very hard to recover, and can take a long time. It can be the most difficult thing we've ever experienced. I have felt that and I understand it.

          But what is there to say to people in such situations except to express sympathy, and then to say to them that they must move on and look forward, and appreciate whatever Allah has blessed them with?

          To quote your own words recently to a woman who was abandoned by her husband:

          "You have to move on, it just takes time. However the longer you dwell in an unhealthy way, it will take much longer or you may well inhibit your recovery altogether."

          Hmm, what's that? Move on? Exactly.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Salaams,

            I am aware of those types of questions that were put upon our Holy Prophet SAW. Nevertheless, those kind of questions were valid since everything was new to the people and thus those topics needed clarification.

            I concede that saying 'that's disgusting' was too strong and the same sentiment could have been expressed more eloquently. Though there are times when people need to be told striaght and no beating around the bush.

            I just honestly find it shocking that people don't have the sense to realise these things are not right in any case.

            As for the 'spolit brat comment' I recall that was in relation to a woman saying since Allah wouldn't return some guy to her she wouldn't bother to ask anything from Allah. Thus, that is like a spoilt kid who doesn't get want they want, when they want. I can't remember what the shameless remark related to.

            Lastly, as for the advice I gave about moving on, that was not unkind and that was advising the questioner to look after herself and not upset herself over it, otherwise she would make things more difficult for herself.

            I will not persist with this debate, but just to say that people need to wake up. A softly softly approach on heinous things is not going to help either and makes way for allowances on things that are not permitted.

        • Assalamu'alaikum Sister,

          Hopeful, I understand what Br. Wael is saying. What I would like to do is send you a note offline. I don't think we should be having this discussion in a public forum.

          As I told you before, you have given some very good advice and I hope you continue. If it's alright with you I would like share a few thoughts. If you don't mind I could e-mail you? Brother Wael could provide the e-mail in private.

          This is completely up to you, but I think many people can benefit from your advice.

          Your Brother in Islam

          Abdul Wali
          IslamAnswers.com Editor

          • Abdul Wali, I have forwarded your contact info to the sister and she can contact you if she is willing Insha'Allah.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Hey Assalam Alaykum Hopeful,

          I understand where you are coming from, buh you have to try and understand the fact, that alot of people are unaware of situations, or more over believe its 'normal' to behave in certain ways, which is why we have this site, for advice and consultations, and your right probably most of the time, the person does no what he/she is doing is wrong, however that doesnt stop one feeling or doing the way he/she does, does it ?? for example, everyone knows suicide is haram, buh we have alot of questions regarding this matter, that person knows suicide is haram, and the reason he/she has posted his/her question is because he/she realises she has a problem and needs help, buh if i turn around and say are you stupid, dont you no suicide is a haram act, and your gonna go to hell soon, do you think thats gonna benefit her in any sense ?? it's just gonna make her feel even more worse than she already is, if she wanted someone to put her down, i dont think she needed to post her question on net for that, buh if i told her calmly how wrong it is, or what impact it can have, and stated the punishments maybe it would make her see sense, or at least try and put her on the right track.

          I think its really brave of people to actually post there questions no matter how ridicule or stupid it sounds, At least they realise they have a problem which is a start, alot of people dont even realise what they are doing is wrong, because they believe that's the way to live life, and most people only come to this site when they have no one else to turn to, maybe they post there questions, because they are hoping someone will give them some type of logically explanation to how they feel, or maybe even hoping someone else would share their experience so they feel content in knowing they are not alone.

          When i came across this site, (which wasn't long ago) i was quite desperate myself, i just needed that comfort knowing if anyone could help me, it didn't matter how small or big that help was, i just wanted someone to tell me everything will be ok, just put your trust in Allah (swt) and he will guide you the right way, dont u think i dont no that ?? or anyone doesnt no that for that matter ?? i just wanted someone to tell me am not alone, and there are people who care about how i feel, or are ready to help me when i need it, buh if the response i got was negative, telling me i was stupid and thick to feel the way i was feeling, my instant reaction would be to recoil, i wouldnt speak about my problems with anyone again , because i would be to ashamed or feel i dont deserve such compassion, it would probably scare me, and i wouldnt even repent for my mistake as i would feel am not worthy of it, or Allah (swt) would never forgive me, which is a sin in itself, my original question was never answered, buh to be honest am not bothered anymore, because i have mashAllah learnt alot from this site in the past week. After reading others problems, you realise how privileged you are, and do shukkar, Allah (swt) is not putting you through that test.

          Bottom line is, everyone is different, they have different views, live in different circles, have been brought up in different ways, we are no one to judge anyone, because we dont no who is the most closest to Allah (swt).

          No body is perfect, if Allah (swt) can forgive our most grave sins, and is not prejudice towards us, then who are we mere humans not to forgive, or be judgemental.

          Finally, Hopeful Sister/Brother (Am sorry i seriously dont no if your a he or a she) i think you have some wonderful views, and are often logical, buh its just the way you portray everything, noone likes to feel demeaned, and thats not our purpose here either, so just treat people the way you would like to be treated, with compassion, sensitivity & Respect.

          Have A Lovely Day,

          PS: please dont take anything i said personally, i just wanted to put a point across, everyone likes to feel loved now and then 😀

          x

          • Thank you Sister A for your comments. I think you've made some crucial points about this website's mission and attitude. As you said, people come here because they know they have a problem and they need help. It's so important for us to remember that, and to try to offer them compassionate guidance so that they can actually overcome their problems and become not only better Muslims but happier people, less troubled people.

            Also I'm so glad to know that the website has benefited you Alhamdulillah.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • excellent answer

        • Well this is just crazy, I am not as religious as you obviously and its 12 years later that i am responding to this. So when a husband and wife are in a long distance marriage that could last about 2 to 5 years apart. You are telling me that Allah Subhana wa ta3alla would put them into trial for everytime their desires got the better of them. ALLAH The Most Merciful. I am not saying it is permissible but an orgasm does releive stress and when it is done between them with all intentions of sincerity and caution with Allah, I beleive that it is Allah that should be a judge to such a situation. So you would compare my husband to an animal since he would react to me sexually everytime he is in contact me. For even my voice seems to excite him. And all this is halal in the eye of Allah.
          I wanted help but from ur answers "hopeful" animals mate with any other animals. And if my husband wants me. I rather let him have me virtually than have him go after another woman. Cheating is just worse than virtual sex between a marriage couple and more when the couple is young, isnt it better with Islam to satisfy your husband other than him watching porn and other worse point of views. ASTAGHFIRULLAH may Allah have mercy ln Our Generation and situations

    • Assallamu alaikum dear sister,
      I just happen to read your response because i am recently married, as well as a new muslimah, and I am away from my husband as well. I m in the same position as the sister who asked the question. I feel as though we are all here to learn from one another and not to place any judgements. It was very harsh of you to say that u found it disgusting. It is not about our personal feelings or to make one another feel badly we are here to uplift each other in this dunya and to tell each other what is right according to the Quran and the sunnah sister. Please be kind it is hard enough with the the guilt and shame of something we think maybe sinful.

      jazakallah Khair

  2. dear hopeful,

    aslamalaikum

    why do you always choose to give a good advice in a harsh way ! . just because we are not going through what others are ,does not mean that they are wrong or their feelings are irrational.

    be kind and polite to people when giving naseeha.isnt it what religion teaches us? it will be more effective this way and people will not run away then.

    iam sure you never intend to be harsh but sometimes someone else can make you realise it. i used to be very loud and vocal when i used to be angry even if i was right i still couldnt make people understand my point of view, i realised people used to be quiet because i was just simply harsh in my tone. i realised only when few people arround me were harsh to me ,though what they were saying was very true and in my best interest but i stopped talking to them, cause i thought they are personally attacking me and being judgemental. but when the same happened to me i realised the problem is not what i say its how i say.

    take care my sis.

    friend

  3. Sister Arfe, As-salamu alaykum. Here is a ruling that I am copying from an organization in the UK called Darul Iftaa, and Allah knows best:

    ***

    Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
    Al Jawaab Billahit-Tawfeeq

    Respected brother/sister

    Here is a detailed fatwa in regards to a sexual chat over the phone:

    In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

    Phone sex refers to sexual conversations between two persons over the telephone. It is defined as a telephone conversation between two people whose objective is to arouse, titillate and stimulate one another. The point of phone sex is to help the partner in achieving orgasm through masturbation. “Phone sex” is frequently put in quotation marks because sex is usually associated with at least touching each other.

    Phone sex is very similar to cyber sex, although the latter is typically free of charge. Cyber sex is the logical continuation of phone sex on modern computer networks. It is often seen as a simulation of “real” sex, and participants usually try to make the experience as close to real life as possible. It can be considered a form of role playing that allows a couple to experience sexual sensations without actually physically being in each other’s company. (Webster’s online dictionary)

    As far as the Islamic ruling on phone and cyber sex is concerned, obviously engaging in them with someone to whom one is not legally married is completely and decisively unlawful (haram). Intimate conversations with other than one’s spouse is without doubt immoral, sinful, blameworthy and unlawful, especially calling commercial sex phone lines and destroying one’s morals, ethics and wealth.

    As far as legally married couples being involved in phone sex is concerned, there are two situations here:

    1) If the objective is to arouse one’s spouse and guide him/her in masturbation to the point of having an orgasm, then this would not be allowed. Masturbation is sinful, being prohibitively disliked, and having many personal and societal ill-effects that are known and recognised in sane traditional societies and by balanced people the world over. However, mutual masturbation between the spouses is permitted. (Ibn Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar, 2/400)

    During the course of a phone conversation, it will not be permitted for either of the spouses to masturbate. It cannot be called mutual masturbation, as that is when one satisfies one’s self with a part of one’s spouse’s body. Thus, it will not be permitted for one to fantasize and play with oneself to the point of having an orgasm.

    2) If during a phone conversation, the objective is not to masturbate; rather the spouses are merely intimate, then this would be permitted. It would be permitted to have an erotic and sexual conversation with one’s spouse, provided one does not fear falling into masturbation or any other unlawful act.

    It is completely lawful to think of one’s spouse in a sexual way, hence there seems no hindrance from fantasizing about one’s husband or wife.

    If one avoids masturbation, but has an orgasm by merely having an erotic conversation with one’s spouse, then this also does not seem to fall into the unlawful, provided the objective was not to masturbate or have an orgasm.

    Finally, if there is no need for this, meaning if the couple are not distant from one another, it would be best to avoid it, as it is also a form of wasteful expenditure. However, couples who are distant from one another may be intimate over the phone or internet.

    And Allah knows best

    Muhammad ibn Adam
    Darul Iftaa
    Leicester , UK

  4. Intimacy in telephone or though internet between spouses would be permissible as long as both of them remain within the limit of Sharia. However, one should remember that there is no privacy in internet or telephone. Any moment you information can get exposed.

    • That's a good point, Stranger. People often forget (or do not understand) that nothing on the internet is truly private. Never do anything on the internet that you would not do in front of your family and friends.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salaam

      Recently there was a query on this site from a 15 year old boy who masturbated frequently, and the advice given him, as far as I can remember, included being allowed by Sharia to masturbate if it would stop him from committing zina. It sometimes happens that two married people are apart for long periods for various reasons - would not that ruling be more appropriate in this case? Although not necessarily over the phone or over the internet, as I agree with the privacy concerns.

      Salaam.

  5. Dear hopeful,
    asalamalaikum

    you still didnt get the point. sorry if your feelings were offended.problem with Ummah today are several one of them being everyone of us thinking they are more pious then the other or more right then the other.

    any way thats not the discussion. its of prime importance that we give naseeha with hikmah not disrespect and anger,it will be more effective and meaningful to the person.

    advice regarding moving on for people stuck in bad relations is also given with empathy and compassion, not in anger. what will one feel if the advice was given like ' many people have breakups in realtions and divorce is common so get a grip and move on ! you had a chance, it didnt work tough! see speaking rough doesnt help ,doesit ! why make someones misery more miserable for them. they come for help not to be comdemned.

    hope it makes some sense.

    take care.

  6. maybe im out of line here? but i didn't find anything wrong it hopeful comment. i think it was justified. if the user is asking this question then she must know something is wrong with "self pleasure" ... i'm with hopeful on this one.

  7. Let me understand this. Muslims must be pure before marriage but are criticized for enjoying marital relations and self-pleasuring AFTER marriage? This is nothing wrong between what a husband and wife. If a religion tells you it is, there's something wrong with it. As long as what you do is consensual and pleases you and your husband, there is nothing wrong under the God that I know. Since there is only one God (we just worship him according to various customs), it's ridiculous to say that the body which was created by him can be used in a sinful way if you are married & pleasure yourself. Even in the Quran it mentions mutual self-pleasuring. Surely that is infinitely more acceptable than committing adultery.

    Be sensible. Use your own conscience. Don't let anyone, even your imam or any other Muslim tell you not to self-pleasure when you are videoing with your husband. My God, is there nothing sacred in Islam? Does it control EVERYTHING? I read that even the way a Shia enters the bathroom (with his left foot) is dictated by his religion (Hadith) and when he exits the bathroom the right foot leads out. This is insane. Islam pervades even the most intimate parts of a person's life.

    My GOD didn't want people to be raised as slaves to him. Like praying 5 times a day. That's 7th century religion trying to prevail in a 21st century world. Can you imagine an airline pilot landing at the next airport just because it's time for him to role out his sajjada (prayer rug) and pray one of the 5 prayers of Salat? Or you're on a train and it stops for the same reason? Get real, people. This is not an agrarian (agricultural) society back in the 7th century. This is 2010!!!!!

    • The usual retort from an uneducated debauchee. If you dare to say that such and such is mentioned in the Holy Qur'an, then back it up with chapter and verse. The woman who posed the question is seeking ISLAMIC advice, not the misguided opinion of someone greatly lacking in morality and devoid of understanding in the PURE and PERFECT faith of Islam.

      If one is travelling, then prayers are shortened and combined as Allah does not impose difficulties on us.

      And why would anyone with a spouse NEED to pleasure themselves? It kinda makes the spouse redundant!

      Islam IS a way of life and it is good that it governs all that we do. Otherwise people won't be able to distinguish what is right and what limits to set. As everybody has different opinions, various thresholds and an ever increasing number are unable to control themselves.

      The time we are living in makes no difference. It's people like you who will come to tolerate child abuse, saying it's so 21st century to be against it.

      • Perfect reply Hopeful.

        In Islam, the Messenger of Allah have made the rules clear. What are halal have been made clear, and what are haraam have also been made clear. Both the Christians and Jews have twisted the teachings of their respective prophets and holy books to an extent that there at the moment remains nothing haraam in their religion at all. Even the things that still are unlawful according to their religion, they often twist/interpret their teachings to make them lawful, so that this worldly life can be enjoyed at fullest. How many times now a days we here that, "Enjoy every moment of your life"?

        In islam, our Messenger have strongly forbidden making unlawful things lawful and vice-versa. People only try to twist the laws to halalify their desires, whether they perceive it or not. In the process they fool none but themselves.

        Islam is all about submission to the will of Allah, not to one's own whims and desires. One can free one's soul from being enslaved to the desires only by submitting to the will of Allah. If today your spouse gives you a shirt that you actually do not like, you will still think that this is the best shirt if you have intense love for your spouse. If we have intense love for our Lord and His honorable Messenger, we would love every word they have said, even if our soul (nafs) dislikes or rebels against. A true Muslim thus never twists the rulings of Allah and His Messenger, he or she rather says, "sami'na wa ata'na', which means, "We hear and we obey".

  8. I don't understand this outrage. There's nothing wrong in asking questions concerning intimacy and

    nobody here is a sheikh or is an expert on rulings of figh. In terms of the jurisprudential verdict,

    Darul Ifta ( the source of information you gave) belongs to the Deobandi sect , predominantly

    widespread in Pakistan or India. Other schools of law have different rulings and I would advise

    the brother to contact a sheikh of his school. Between a husband and a wife, most of the sexual

    practices are allowed and in the Jafari School, even anal sex is allowed in marrigage with the consent

    of the wife. Just to compare different rulings of different schools.

    I'm not sure myself regarding the ruling of sexually arousing each other on the Internet, but I think

    between a husband and a wife it's ok as long as masturbation is avoided.

    Jazakallah

    • Doing haraam things in a marriage does not make it ok, especially NEVER anal sex.

      To have sexual intercourse in the back passage of a woman is a major sin. Rasulullāh Salallāhu ̒alaihi wa Sallam said, "Cursed is the one who has intercourse with his wife in her back passage'. Allah will not even look at a person who has committed such an act.

      We have a duty to educate each other and NOT misinform those do not know, about deviant sects and their perverse innnovations. So why mention this school allows such an abominable thing? So for those who don't know, or for some abusive husband who forces this upon his wife may read your comment and tell her he can do this all he wants.

      • It is better to refrain from what the questioner is asking, for when it doubt, do without. Muslims are suppposed to be modest and guard themselves.

        If people can't control themselves, then they should imagine if they died whilst committing that act and in that impure state. Maybe a heart attack or something, anything can happen.

    • Jannah:

      I think hopeful have replied you well.

      You need to consult a scholar when something has not been declared clear cut halaal or haraam. Like anal sex is haraam and the Messenger of Allah in his own words proclaimed it so. Like Mutah marraige is haraam and it is straight forward.

      Except for the four schools of thought/jurisprudence of Ahlus Sunnah Wal Jamaah group, all other sects like deobondi, ahmedia, bahai, khariji, quranites, shia are devient. It is up to individuals if they follow a deviant sect or not.

  9. I would never condemn any school of thought, for that is not my level. The deobandi teachings are

    based on the Hanafi school as well and anyone may follow the school he wishes to follow. Who am I

    to decide which school is deviant or not, only Allah knows. In terms of anal sex, I said with the consent

    of the wife, which bars any form of compulsion.

    What I meant is: When there is doubt or insecurity, it is better to consult the sheikh of the respective

    school one follows.

    And Allah, as the Sheikh said, knows best:)

    Love you all my bros and sisters

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