Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In Polygamy, pregnant, and abandoned

The best person among you

As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullah. I am new here and want to share my situation for some naseehah insha Allah.

I married into a polygamous marriage several years ago and have a 3 year old with my husband and I have 5 children from a previous marriage. I have one co-wife who has no children with my husband, yet a child from a previous marriage. The issue that I am perplexed by is that my husband professes to love me so much, yet does not give my family its rights. He visits and checks up on us maybe once a week if that, and spends the majority of his time with the other wife. I'm now pregnant with our second child, and he has basically abandoned us. I have spent the entire pregnancy alone, and am due in a couple of months. Our daughter is now extremely distraught and does not understand why her father doesn't live with us, and believes our homes to be separate. Am I wrong to seek a khula in this situation? He has acknowledged his wrong in all of this, yet has made no effort to rectify the situation. Our needs go unmet, since our family is out of sight/out of mind. I don't ask him for anything, nor call upon him because I now view myself as single. I have to do everything on my own. Not to mention the promise that was made to me when I became pregnant, that he would be present and care for me at least. Nothing. I am dismayed at how a man can do this yet claim to love someone. I am at the point where even if he did try to rectify the situation, I would not want it. The fact that the action has already taken place has caused me to not trust him any longer and simply want out.

UmmiZaya

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8 Responses »

  1. This is why it's better to be single until
    You meet someone that is worthy of
    You.

  2. Khulu is allowed.The husband has big responsibilty he has to provide maintain and treat equally.On the day of judgement he will have to stand in front of Allah.So you do whats best.You have all the rights.And please build your connection and be consistent with your faith in Allah (Amals)!!!!

  3. Salam sister,

    It is a very peculiar situation you are in. My advise will be to have a serious conversation possibly with a third party such as an Imam so that he can understand that the situation is serious. That will provide you with a safe environment to tell him as it is and the Imam can weight in the situation. In the deen, it is not a joke to have two wifes or more. They need to be treated as equally as possible. He is failing you, your children and himself! Express yourself and make him understand that what he is doing is wrong and establish some rules with him if he is willing to work on things. hopefully he will wake up and smell the coffee. I wouldn't recommend giving up just yet until you tried everything. May Allah help you.

  4. Salam sister.This is why in this day and age many people including myself think polygamy cannot work This was created to protect women but here it does not seem as if you are being support d and protected Thetefore I personally think as you say your husband has no time for you it round be better to apply for Khulna collect your mehr from your husband and leave the relationship As it is you are going everything yourself anyway like countless others Please be brave and strong I pray that Allah makes your journey easier and gives you the courage determination and strength to do the right thing Allah hafiz

  5. OP: Did your husband use you to get his residency or citizenship? Is polygamy legal in the country where you live?

  6. I don't understand WHY some people RUSH to issue of residency or citizenship??? y?
    Be a positive thinker toward others and stop commenting if you are not in that point.

    OP: try to resolve your issue by informing parents from both sides of your marriage.
    May Allah easy your situation.

  7. I wonder...

    You have one daughter with him and the baby on the way? Is it a girl or boy?

    I don't know. You said that the other wife has no children with him...so maybe he's trying to have boys?

    I know a man who married 3 women. The first had all daughters, the second had no children and the third had 3 sons and a daughter. He lives with this family full time generally and visits his other wives, idk when. One lives out of the country which we all live and he's actually over there now for a year. He's a good man. Prays all 5 prayers. Very kind and simple. Just inconveniently gone....

    How is the character of your husband otherwise? Maybe he just doesn't know how to split the time and be fair or he didn't know what he was getting himself into? Is he helping you financially at least? The ayat that says some thing like "you will never be fair between them" comes to mind.

    Have you ever talked with the second wife? The Prophet sws wives communicated with each other and we're pretty close from the hadith I've read.

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