Incapable of feeling love for my fiance
Asslamualaikum,
I am having this problem from quite a while and I want to discuss it here.
My parents have got me engaged to a guy. Earlier before engagement, I was really confused about this proposal as I was afraid that he is a complete stranger and would I be able to develop feelings for him or not.
However the real dilemma is that this is the second time I have got engaged. My first experience was not good at all. The guy I was engaged to had some serious problems and I had compatibility issues with him and I hated him so much so after two years of torment my family finally agreed to call off my engagement.
After my first engagement I met a Hindu guy and we kept in contact with each other through phone calls and messages.
The Hindu guy developed feelings for me and is ready to convert and change himself but I know if this happened it would only be for the sake of love and not for Allah and there is no possibility my family would ever agree on this relationship... therefore I have always refused his affections and love but my mistake was that I kept talking with him (as a friend) and now I feel I have developed certain feelings for him.
But now after getting engaged again (to someone else) I have told him that I can't keep any contact and I don't talk to him anymore. I have asked forgiveness from Allah and I understand that he was not the right guy for me.
Now I am trying to develop feelings for my fiance but I don't understand what is wrong with me. I get irritated by whatever he says and my mother is really upset with me as she wants me to settle this time and be happy with this relationship (It is also very depressing for me as this is the second time and I want to make it work) but I feel like there is something wrong with me and I am incapable of loving anyone in this intimate manner or maybe I expect too much from this ''arranged engagement'' and it is not up to my expectations.
I am a hopeless romantic but I feel no such feelings whatsoever for my fiance. He seems like a good open minded guy and I don't find any bad qualities in him.
I have also tried to strengthen my relationship with Allah through prayers and Zikr, but I dont know how to be happy and feel love for my fiance. What I have read in Qur'an and Hadith is that Allah create love and affection between husband and wife after Nikah. So is it alright if I don't develop any feelings for him during all this time?
JazakkAllah khair,
Zawajali
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It seems like you didn’t give yourself enough time to even be emotionally ready for this engagement. I’m not sure about the time elapse between the first engagement, the Hindu guy, and now the second engagement, but as I read your situation, it feels like everything just happened back to back to back. You might be still emotionally invested in the Hindu guy, since you said that you started to develop feelings for him. As soon as you realized that it wasn’t going to work, you should’ve cut it off and take time getting over him. Instead , you rushed in to an engagement, and your heart might not have been prepared for it yet…..try to find comfort by remembering that everything is written and that you can think and worry all day , but in the end what’s destined to happen will happen. If I were you I wouldn’t rush in to a marriage yet. I would spend time assessing the morals, and values of this person, and getting prepared emotionally. If he’s a good Muslim then I would continue the process and hope that love will develop after marriage, in my eyes love before marriage isn’t very important. What’s important is his relationship with Allah, his respect for you and himself. Of course if waiting to get married might cause you to fall in to sins then disregard my advice.
My response is based on me assuming that you not being able to love him is because you had started to love someone else (which was cut short). If you’re not able to love him, because of a different reason, for example, maybe you don’t find him attractive, then this is another story, and I’d leave that up to you.
I was trying to put myself in your shoes and my advice is based on what I would do if I was faced with the same predicament, please don’t view my opinion as the only solution or how you should proceed…..
الله اعلم
Best of luck
AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,
First of all you should understand that, you were not allowed to correspond with the Hindu guy in the first place, except through your guardian.
You family have found you someone to marry, and what you need to do is to pray Istikharah, and if it's good for you, Allah will make it happen.
You should also make it clear to your parents as to whether you want to be married to him or not, as well as make it clear to them who you want to be married to. However, you can't hid a relationship to your family.
Just see where you started from with the Hindu guy? You met him and then you started corresponding with each other, till he developed an affection for you, and then you resisted him (without cutting off your correspondence with him) till he was able to get you through his intention to convert to Islam. Now only Allah knows where this feelings you have developed may take you to.
My suggestion is that, be honest with your parents and tell them what you are doing. They may investigate the Hindu guy for you and then if he is honest in his intention, they will proceed with the nikah between both of you.
As to the true love, it is a blessing between the two couple, and it is attained through halal marriages. However, the desire which you could get from knowing that he is a good person in his Deen and character should be enough, before marriage. Ask yourself about his status and then be honest with yourself, in deciding whether he is the type of Muslim man you wouldn't have a problem living with.
May Allah decree for you what is best. Ameen.
assalamalikum-
THIS ISTHE MOST AND DREADFUL RISK I HAVE SEEN IN MY 50 YEARS OF LIFE THAT THESE HINDUS MARRY AND LATER REGRET AND BREAK-SHE WILL LAND UP WITH HALF HINDU HALF MUSLIMS BLOOD CHILDREN-AND THEY ALSO WILL BE NEITHER HERE NEITHER THERE-WRONG TO SUGGEST THIS -
My suggestion is that, be honest with your parents and tell them what you are doing. They may investigate the Hindu guy for you and then if he is honest in his intention, they will proceed with the nikah between both of you.
"HALF HINDU HALF MUSLIMS BLOOD CHILDREN"
There is no such thing as halves in religion. You are either part of a religion or not. For example, if a Hindu and a Sikh get married and have children, the children would not be "half Hindu and half Sikh" but EITHER Hindu or Sikh - one or the other.
Just thought I'd clear that up.
🙂
Assalaamualaikam
If you have resolved to cut off contact with the Hindu guy, then remain strong in your decision. You are right that a conversion for the sake of a relationship would not be a genuine conversion, and that for it to be valid he would need to have honest love for Allah and Islam in his heart.
When you and your family accepted your fiance's proposal, there must have been something in his character that you liked, and it's likely that your current irritation with him may have more to do with what has been happening in your relationship with this other guy rather than your fiance - it's hard to feel positively about someone when still getting over someone else. Why not give your fiance a chance? Look at his deen, his character, how he treats you... If these are all admirable, then try to soften your heart towards him. Please do ensure that your contact with him is within Islamic limits, so you can avoid haraam interactions.
You mentioned previously being in a long engagement and it is not clear how long you have been engaged to your fiance. My understanding is that an engagement period shouldn't be drawn out unnecessarily, as this can lead to people engaging in haraam activities and encourage inappropriate intimacy. If you feel this might have been a factor in your situation, it might help to talk to your parents about whether you feel able to plan a nikah.
Islamically, love grows between two people after marriage, through shared experience and trust, and with the blessing of Allah. So, it would be difficult for you to feel this with your fiance at this time. However, I would hope that you can develop positive regard and respect for him - if you find yourself unable to feel positively about him, it might be worth speaking with your mum and reconsidering if you wish to proceed with the marriage.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor