Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Insecure and suspicious husband wants divorce

Divorce, couple divorcing, breaking up


Urgent help required. Unfortunately I was in a haram relationship with a man for 2 years on and off. He eventually left me for many reasons- he is very suspicious by nature and as he has been out with around 100 women prior to me and he finds it very hard to accept that I'm not like them (ie smoking, drinking and sleeping around).

We broke up due to something I had said which he took to heart, and after that I repented from my heart and vowed to Allah I would never have a haram relationship with anyone again outside marriage.

A year later (2 months ago), I met that guy by chance. He apologized for leaving me before and wanted to start a relationship. I refused and gave him an ultimatum that he was either to marry me or we go our separate ways. I believed there was no way this man would marry me, but he said yes and our nikkah was the next day. My parents knew but his didn't. We stayed for about 2 months together after marriage. He was a perfect husband and I was very happy.

This is my second marriage and his first. Two days ago I returned to UK as I had some stuff to pick up in order to move back to his home country, and he became all distant and cold in the space of a few hours. I prodded and he told me he wasn't very happy. His parents are very unhappy with the marriage, as he told them as soon as it happened.

His mother wanted a young virgin girl for him, not a married old woman- I am 25 and he is 23. His dad says he is living with me in sin as the nikkah is invalid since my father wasn't present, but my dad works abroad and there was no way he could come nor did we have any male relatives around. The imam said it was fine as dad had given permission. He also says I have had a child from my previous marriage, but I have sworn by Allah that I don't. This is not enough but he is convinced as I have stretchmarks on my legs and his experience tells him so.

I have told him to call my ex-husband and ask him; I even offered to go with him to the doctor because they usually can tell. He is refusing. This man was having marital relations with me just 2 days ago, how how does one change so quickly? He now thinks we don't really have a future because he can't live with me and these suspicions. He won't let me go back to him the UAE and has said if I do it without his permission I am not his wife.

He is unhappy with how the nikkah ceremony was carried out, even though we both organized it at home. He said he wanted a small function, but I don't know how within the space of a day I was supposed to have arranged that. Basically nikkah is tarha nahi hotay, because only my mum and sisters were there and a number of other male witnesses. Even though he organized the imam and stuff, I apparently blackmailed him into marriage. He says now he cannot live with me and didn't want things like this.

He is considering divorce. I have no idea what to do; maybe it is a punishment for the relationship I had with him prior to marriage. It will devastate my parents as they are really happy and have told everyone, but it's only been 2 days since I've gotten back. When I am with him he is perfect and we are really happy, but the second we are apart he just changes- apparently he has time to think. His excuse for not letting me come to him is that I blind him and don't give him a chance to think because he loves me so much and we carry on as normal.

Does someone have any advice for me on how to tackle this? There is no one I can talk to and it's really affecting me. I have told him to do as he wishes because he is not listening to any of my solutions and he's asked me for a few days to think, but I know him and I know he will leave me. I pray 5 times and Alhamdulillah I have full faith in Allah, but is there anything I should be doing?


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5 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    Clearly this man simply wants out and he is finding any reason to do so. He had a haram relationship with you for two years and yet now that you have married and things are halal for both of you...he doesn't want it. Surely you deserve someone who loves and appreciates you? May Allah help you in the situation you find yourself in.


    • A person that truly loves you will make an effort. Sorry but this guy has other things in mind. He's controlled by family. I know how u feel. I'm divorced and it's hard but I really hope sumone that appreciates, loves, and accepts you for who u r.

      Plz tc of urself Allah is with u

  2. Dear Sister,


    I am sorry to say but reading your post, it seems that your decision of marrying him was a self destructive one. You inpsite of knowing his sinful character, out of emotions, married him and caused pain to yourself and trouble to your life.

    it is very much clear that he does not want to be with you anymore and its also almost certain that he will never be a good husband nor a good father to your future kids. He is just trying to turn things ugly so that you give up on him and take divorce. His blames are his imaginations or may be he regrets his decision of marrying you for the simple reason that you were there for him even without getting married. i think that may you have truly repented and did tauba from your past sins but he has not. I feel that Allah (Swt) had shown you his true colour before you married him but you didn't open your eyes, now again, Allah(Swt) is showing you his actual character. he is giving flimsy excuses to get rid of you. i feel that he is not worth to live life with as he will not be loyal to you ever.

    just imagine, right now he is blaming you having a child from previous marriage whereas as matter of fact, the child does not exist but this shows that in future, if you have kids, he wont take a minute to put another blame on you that those kids are not his!! Trust me, this can also happen. My point is till what point and how long will you able to swear by Allah to prove yourself. what will you do if he still refuses to trust you?!!!

    what his family thinks doesn't matter, what he thinks or is upto that matter. he doesn't trust you, he finds faults with the entire thing in one way or other. he wont let you have peace and he would never be a good husband to you. Before he plays more with you or leave you with label of divorce(d) by him. you better take Khula to let him know that he is not worth you and for such pure relationship called marriage. This is what i would have done but having said that i would say that at the end of the day, you are the only one who knows your circumstances and you have to bear the consequences. everyone has different way of dealing with a situation. so, think practical and decide accordingly. Do Istikhara and make lots of duas to Allah(swt) to guide you and help you to take right decision.

    Your Sister

  3. he is very suspicious by nature and as he has been out with around 100 women prior to me and he finds it very hard to accept that I'm not like them (ie smoking, drinking and sleeping around).

    Why would you even consider marrying a guy like that in the first place? He clearly hasn't grown up - they typical player type, got what he wanted, probably doesn't have a clue about marriage and can't leave his promiscuous haram ways. There is a general rule of thumb when considering relationships - never make the same mistake twice. You rushed into this marriage even though you knew what he was like, what did you expect? Sorry to be harsh but only time will tell, either get family involved and make amends or he's just going to move on.

  4. I have to agree with Ray of Hope. You made 2 mistakes, both huge, but one with longer lasting negative effects. The first was having a haram relationship with this man, the second was actually marrying him later.

    I wouldn't dare judge you, I know how a womans heart is, and after 2 years of dating this man I'm sure you were head over heels in love and there was emotionally a very small chance of you allowing yourself to turn down the opportunity to refuse him, should the possibility of marriage finally come onto the table. However, relationships which start this way usually fail, and the forshadowing of the previous events is basically a blueprint of what to expect in the future, marriage papers or not.

    I see so many couples (especially from the female participants/wives-to-be) think that marriage papers blow away the cloud of impermanence and doubt that ever hung over the relationship, and gives the "happy couple" a new, fresh start where both look at the future with new eyes and clear, faithful and dedicated hearts. This simply is not the case. Marriage is simply legal papers that allows you to begin a life together in the eyes of Allah and society. That is all. Psychologically it may have some effect, but they are usually short lived and/or the woman sees the longer effects of the emotional change since females are emotional creatures. (I am a woman) For a marriage to work, the union should begin on a good, strong foundation. Your union started on a quite terrible one, as you married a man you were sleeping with prior to marriage, and also through an ultimatum, and also without the consent of his parents which is always a bad sign.

    I suggest you simply divorce this man as he seems to be no good for marriage, and do it quickly before you end up pregnant! Then, take some time and remain single and allow yourself to heal before you ever even contemplate the possibility of another relationship, and when that finally happens, do it halal. Make sure (considering your track record) that a second party is present during all "dates" so nothing bad happens. In the bliss of blossoming love, Shaytan does his greatest work and creates the most damage. Make sure your new husband to be knows about your divorce(s), any children, etc. (of course other than the loss of your virginity because you were married other sexual things can remain private just for you, I don't know why men want to know these details so badly! My husband used to always ask about my previous sexual encounters as I was a divorce' when we met but I always find a way to generalize and make him seem like the "best I've ever had" and then gracefully change the subject to avoid any whispering of Shaytan in his ears.) and do it halal. Only then can you not beat yourself up if something else goes wrong. All you can do is your best and what's right. If you do that, then you know it's not your sin, but the will of Allah that guides your path and you can feel confident taking cues from those changes in your future that Allah either wants you or does not want you in that relationship, and you can feel confident that he will take care of you should your next relationship (marriage) not work out, but InshaAllah it will.


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