Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I really loved him and was willing to compromise but he divorced me.


I am going through a very tough time and I want some advice so I can go through this hard time
in sha Allah. I got married a year ago to a muslim man and we met through our families who started to socialize just so we could get to know each other. He was a very nice,caring and understanding person. Everything was done in Islamic way with our families approval we had nikkah. Two days before our nikkah my parents decided to go and meet him because his mother doesn't wanted to talk us any more and my parents had no other option. In front of my family and his family he took my side and promised my parents to keep me happy after marriage. My parents believed in him and we got married. During the wedding his family more or less disowned him because he talked positively about me in front of them and in that way they felt insulted. His sister and mom showed very bad behaviour during the wedding which everyone noticed and talked about later on.

After the wedding he went back and I had to wait for my visa. Basically after we got married his mom cutted of all ties with my family, she had issues with me about everything but I never replied or corrected her,she called my husband and always complained everything about me to him secretly,she wrote a letter to my husband and said that she is cutting of all her ties with him because he was a bad son.
His dad never say anything as he doesn't want to be in trouble. His only sister supports his mom because otherwise she will not be accepted either. His mom has hurted me in so many ways,absolutely mental tortured me and I never said a single word to my family because I felt it would be insulting for my husband and I accepted everything because I loved him. I never liked the way his mom always interfered and spread the negativity in our relationship. During our 1 year relationship he was very caring toward me and he really respected my family and my parents treated him like a son because for them the most important thing was that we were happy. Like any other human being we all have flaws and we both also had to adjust to balance our life because we both were not perfect.

After we got married I felt it would be difficult for us to live in a joint family system as his mom is very interfering and negative. Even if it was difficult my husband promised that in future we will live separately. We happily started our life together abroad and after some few months his relationship with his mom got better. During this ramadan I spoke to his mom and she made fun of my fasting. It hurted me because it is something between me and my Allah(Swt).I kept quiet and it disturbed my husband and he went and told his mom. He than decided that from now I will never meet his family. I tried to explain to him its not possible in the long run but he said its his decision. I came back to visit my family as it was a planned trip and during this two weeks me and my husband had arguments about future house purchase,he wanted me to live with my family so he can be with his family,he wanted me to travel to my home country so he can be with his family. It really got very badly and he said it is better that we divorce. I spoke to him and explained that please think about us and he said oki we can give it a chance.

He came from abroad and he said that to me that I can come to his house for 2 days because I cant stay for more than 2 days as I am not up to the standard his family wants me to be,I accepted. When he came here he was very disturbed and he said please don't come to my house as the atmosphere is not so good at home. I forced him to meet me and we met at a cafe and there he told me that he cant live without his family and I have to accept it and he gave no reason why he has suddenly taken this decision. We went to my parents and my parents said please discuss with each other and find a solution. I was shocked, I cried non stop for 1 hour and he said nothing but said I should just accept to live with his family. He broke his promise,he saw me crying,he never took me back to his house. Two days went and it was Eid and he never contacted me. So my family said to me make a decision quickly before my departure date back what I want to do.

My family was very angry and I was shattered and really angry. My family called his family and told him that I want divorce. After 1-2 days when I got calm I felt it was totally wrong way and I should speak to him properly . We never sent any divorce paper to him but he sent to me and wanted me to sign it. He went back abroad and he has not met me and not talked to me on phone since we met at cafe. I have written many emails to him describing everything that I was angry and as long as I have his support I can live with his family also. But in return he has only insulted me,insulted my family,accused me of making him against his own family and told me that I am a very bad person who he wished he has never met. My parents wanted to talk to him and his family so we could sit and find a solution according to islamic rules to avoid a divorce. There is always a solution for everything and in this case I was ready to live with his family after I thought about it. But he never wanted communicate and my parents called him several times but he refused to answer the call.

He has not until today talked to me or explained any proper reason for divorce. He has just run away and I feel so bad why it happened to me. I have explained to him that I am with him in every decision and this is wrong islamically as we don't have any valid reason for divorce but he refuses to communicate. I have made promises to him and taking oath on Quran but he says no he doesn't want to believe.
A friend of his has told me that he liked a girl earlier who he was interested to marry but his mother disliked her so he left her and that indicates that he can do anything for his mom even if its a big sin. His close family friend has said that his mom has been looking for a girl but the families rejected the proposal because of his mom and sisters nature.

I just feel so shattered because I really loved him and I was ready to go a long way for him but he left me so badly and on top of that putted the whole blame on me. His close friend and my best friend has said to me that he never wanted to continue and he really gave me no option but to accept this. It hurt so much when I hear bad and negative things about him because there has been time when he was a wonderful person and I cant forget him. I just feel if he really wanted this to end than why he never honestly came to me and properly talked to me. These two months has been the worst time in my life. I really need advice how I can cope with this.


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3 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister,

    Your husband's volatile behaviour is irrational. It is manifest that his mother and sister have poisoned his brain. Sadly, your husband is supine as well. It has been two months, So I can understand the confluence of trauma and anxiety in your soul. During such periods of depression, I suggest that you seek refuge in Allah.

    You love him. I believe you. You do not deserve to be treated in such an egregious way. However, at times we can't control everything in life. Keep your faith in Allah. Your husband is stubborn right now, give him some more time. If he reverts then consider that prayers have been answered, otherwise believe that Allah has placed a test for you and in return He shall rescue you through this if your adhere to patience.

  2. Sister,

    Some individuals place little if no value on the sanctity of marriage and think they can just toss it aside when the going gets tough. Marriage is about sacrifice and working through things. It appears that neither he nor his family appreciated you for the person that you are. I have to wonder if this man has a sister and how he would feel if someone were to treat his sister with such disregard such as he has done to you?

    You go find the nearest mirror in your home and look hard and long into it. See the woman looking back and know that she deserves better. You deserve to be loved and cherished and appreciated. Marriage isn't always perfect however, it does take two to make things work. Shame on him and shame on his meddling mother. You dry your tears sister and believe that Allah has something better planned for you. A man of his caliber is not worthy of a sister such as you. May Allah give you strength to move beyond this unfortunate situation and onto much better and brighter days ahead.


  3. What country your husband lives in? Did you try to find out if he married someone in that country? Some time men get married to foreign women to get citizenship. That can make it hard for them to bring new wife.

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