My Internet boyfriend cheated on me
I am 18. I met my online boyfriend one year ago. He lives in a different country.
I knew that he suffers from ataxia and was physically disabled, but I didn't had any problem with that. His mother died 6 years ago and since then he suffers from that disability. I love him( I am not sure whether it´s love or just sympathy but I feel a lot of care towards him).
Though, he didn't had anything that I wanted in a partner except a few things, just like I am trying to get admission in the best business school now, I want to get good education and want to have a good life. He didn't attend college either, though he is 22. He has a job. There are many other things too on which I compromised...
I knew he was not rich, not even much financially stable but I decided to compromise on everything and stay with him forever. I didn't want to leave my country either but for him, I was ready to leave.
Anyways.. coming to the main thing... After all that sincerity and love, I found out that he was cheating with other girl online too. Each and everything that he said to me, he said it to another girl also( and may be even some more girls too).
He used to tell me that he is making a career for our bright future and the same thing he said to her. He used to tell me that I am his and he doesn't want to lose me at any cost. The same thing he said to another girl. We are in relationship from a year and he has this affair from 7-8 months ( I found out now). He gave me his facebook password and I read his sent messages, this is how I found out. I am a pretty, funny and confident girl and I know I deserve better..
I have decided to move on.. Is there any way to forget him forever and not to feel sympathy for him? Its 3rd day since I have come to know about his cheating and I am unable to eat or drink anything. Its 3rd day without food & water....
I was not very happy with the relationship from the beginning too. There were many things that I wanted and he didn't have or couldn't give. But I compromised.. Now, since he has been caught cheating, I feel like I shouldn't compromise with this too. But when I try to leave him, I feel so bad and I feel like maybe he needs love and attention. Maybe he feels lonely, as he is disabled. Maybe he's just good at heart and that he will be hurt if I leave him.. How can I be this cruel and he needs love. He also has a human heart, he must be feeling pain etc. I am a very non-materialistic person and my only reason for staying with him was that i felt he was a 'good muslim', as he never talked about bad things and his actions showed that he really was. Suggest me what should I do?
If your answer is to move on, then kindly suggest me how to do so. Whenever I want to leave him, I feel bad that he doesn't have a mother too. How can I do this, I should stay with him etc.
taniamirza1
7 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaams taniamirza1
Leave this man he is using the excuse to keep using you and you settling for second best. If he really loved you then he wouldn’t have cheated what he done is actually zina therefore how do you expect love and trust to grow. Can you honestly trust him again knowing what he has done to you. Stop feeling sorry for him he don’t deserve it, sister money is not everything this wont make you happy as most people get blind for greediness and forgot the house chores and kids etc. You need to wake up and realise this man doesn’t deserve you because it just shows he don’t love you or know what love is. Everyone deserves a chance but at the end of the day someone like this is just looking for someone who is vulnerable and then weakens that person to bring at there level so they don’t think there worth anything so they keep doing knowing it is wrong why don’t people like this have fear for allah. What you actually have for this person is not love but you feel sorry for him and that just tells me he enjoys controlling you and manipulating you in such a way that you give in. Maybe you need to turn to allah, strength yourself has a women as you have a lot more other qualities going for you. I honestly believe you are an honest and a very good human being that’s why you have a good head save your love for someone who will love you rather than someone who has no idea what love is. Trust me sister as you get older you will appreciate love and respect for others and don’t lower your values for him or for anyone else. Inshallah I pray you find a path or a sign from allah to get closer and strong your imaan to believe in yourself to do better for you in the future ameen.
Good luck w/salaams.
Dear Sister
In my opinion you should move on with your life. Why do you still want to be with someone that lied to you and cheated on you? Why are you hurting yourself by not eating and not drinking? Do you think by doing this, everything would change, that all the lies would suddenly dissapear. Nothing would change sister, you are only hurting yourself more. Depression is not good.
You don't even know this guy from a bar of soap! You just met him online. He told you sad stories about his life and you feeling sympathy for him. You don't know for sure that all that he said is the truth. He could be lying to you about his mother or even his disability. He probably just played on your feelings of sympathy just as how he could be playing on others as well.
You can forget this person. The first thing you need to do is delete him on your profile. Erase all his numbers. Forget all the messages he sent to you. Do not feel any sort of sympathy for him. There are lots of people who are without a mother/ father who have learnt to accept this. Keep in mind this is all part of life. You cannot be the mother in his life.
"Maybe he feels lonely, as he is disabled. Maybe he's just good at heart and that he will be hurt if I leave him"- Sister, if he really had a good heart, he wouldn't be chatting to so many women at one time!
I think the biggest mistake you made was why did you continue this relationship for so long. You didn't even see the person or his family? You should of asked him to meet your family. in this way you would know for certain if he was really serious about everything he said!
What's confusing is that he gave you his facebook password knowing that he has sent messages which you are most likely to read!
You should leave this person. He will continue to play on your feelings of sympathy and make you feel guilty.You deserve so much better. But next time sister please be careful especially with trusting strangers on the internet. Don't become too attached to them and don't get too seroius until you see them in person!
Rumaysa
My dear sister - assalaamu alaikum
Don't feel bad - just leave him. Even if he cheated, you cannot love or even marry someone on something based on sympathy. Trust me on this. It doesn't work. I am not against marriage to disabled people in any way but if this person doesn't have at least most of the qualities you want - you will be dissatisfied, especially when you see other couples. You admit you dont know if its love or sympathy - it is most likely sympathy my dear sister.
Also the fact that he cheated on you is a huge reason to let it be. Compromise is supposed to happen AFTER marriage to some degree not before. And as Yasir Fazaga said compromise your preferences if need be but dont compromise your values
"Maybe he feels lonely, as he is disabled. Maybe he's just good at heart and that he will be hurt if I leave him." This is most likely shaytaan trying to make you feel guilty from leaving a haram relationship. Even if he is hurt, it wont last forever.. You should acknowledge your sin and ask Allah for forgiveness, dont despair - He will forgive you InshaAllah.
My dear sister - look after yourself. Eat, drink and don't feel too guilty. If you dont do your 5 obligatory prayers, start doing them. You have done nothing wrong by leaving this guy dear sis, so remember this. In fact, you have done yourself and him good in the long run. Leave him to his cheating and walk towards Allah swt. You now have a future back. Something that you can look forward too. Alhumdulilah you are no longer stuck in a rut. Continuing the relationship would have brought you nothing but pain and torn feelings. Trust me on this dear lil sister, one day you should see the good in this InshaAllah. It will take time to heal, but keep striving and do not contact him. Change your n.o in case he contacts you.
You have a big heart and you are precious. Do not waste your love on someone unworthy who cheats on you. Most importantly do not waste it on someone who hasn't given you the respect you deserve and married you first. These gifts are precious don't waste them. Focus on yourself and your relationship with Allah.
One day InshaAllah you will find a spouse who will appreciate you, and who deserves you
I pray that Allah helps you through this.
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Asalamoalaikum sister,
I am sorry to read about your unfortunate situation but thankfully this person did not permanently damage you. I think you know the answer deep down but you are just settling for less due to your conscience. It is by no means your duty to take care of this person’s emotional baggage. I understand and sympathize with this person’s disability and the loss of his mother (which are 2 very painful things) but my dear sister you answer your own question when you wrote in for our help.
You wrote: “…my only reason for staying with him was that i felt he was a 'good muslim', as he never talked about bad things and his actions showed that he really was”. You felt he was a good Muslim but he proved you otherwise. He cheated on you. It’s as simple as that. He is not worth it. A good Muslim does neither break others trust nor does he hurt others intentionally. He knew better and he knew what he was doing. He was playing you and another girl at the same time. His disability or the loss of his mother is irrelevant here. They should not be the reasons for you to either: stay or leave this guy. The reason you should stay or leave this person all comes down to two things: his character and his deen.
Sister if this guy was serious with you, he wouldn’t approach you in the manner that he did. He would contact you through proper channels (i.e.: sending a proposal to your place). My dear sister, we all have problems in our lives but that all becomes irrelevant when a person cheats. Cheating to me is simply an action that says: I am using you for my convenience and do not respect you or your feelings. That’s enough for me to end everything with such a person because once trust is gone, so is everything else. Trust is the basic and one of the most integral traits for a successful relationship.
So to put it a nutshell, sister, I believe you should leave this person. Do not let your conscience or guilt get the best of you. This is shaitaan’s way of saying, “Oh, look he’s in pain, he’s suffering, stay with him, etc”. Little do you know that this act of kindness will most likely result in your own misery. And to put it out bluntly, sister, you are NOT married to him, he is a non-mehram so you must immediately finish contact with him. You will not be pleasing Allah swt by staying with him (even though you may want to out of pity), instead you will earn his anger. You cannot do a good deed through haram channels.
Now coming down to “how” you should end it.
1.) First and foremost, you must e-mail this person only ONCE and tell him it’s over, you are no longer interested in any friendship, relationship, etc. You are taking this decision because 1.) A girlfriend and boyfriend relationship in Islam is haram and 2.) He cheated on you and this is enough information for you to make a judgment in regards to his sincerity towards you and the relationship you both had.
2.) If you can I would suggest that you change your e-mail id (but I understand that may be difficult as you probably communicate with others through that account) as it will help you from knowing if he is persistently e-mailing you or not (which he probably will to reel you back into his trap).
3.) please DO NOT respond to ANY of his e-mails; just go cold-turkey on him. He will e-mail you once, twice, thrice, etc but eventually he will give up.
4.) Please be patient with yourself. There will be days where you will cry and run back to him for assurance. DO NOT do that. Any time you feel that way, busy yourself, recite tasbih, recite, Quran, read, etc. If you feel that you are very tempted to write to him, write here to us instead. We are all here to help you inshAllah but please DO NOT contact him. This step is extremely hard (probably the hardest step) but if you overcome this step then all you will need to deal with is are his memories which will fade with time inshAllah.
5.) Lastly, any time you miss him, remind yourself of all the things he doesn’t have that you are seeking in a partner. Also remind yourself that he cheated on you, he didn’t love you nor was he sincere with you. If you decide to go to him, you will loose the best of both worlds- this world and the hereafter, so please stay strong sister!
Also, if you are not already doing so please offer salat and try to get in conact with your deen again. Try to take on a new hobby, spend time with family and friends. In a nutshell, get yourself busy!
This journey will take time and will be tough but remember sister it will come to an end inshAllah. You must be patient and not loose hope. Fight against your nafs and you will be successful.
May Allah swt make you successful in this test and give you the wisdom to make the right decision, ameen.
-Helping Sister
Beautiful response MashaAllah helping sister.
- Sis Taniamirza
I just wanted to add that on many email accounts it is possible to block certain email addresses so you dont recieve mail from them - so this may be a possibiltiy of hes non- stop mailing you.
May Allah swt help you through this
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
JazakAllah Sister Sara. You're right I totally forgot that on many e-mail accounts you have a block feature so sister taniamirza1 do look into that if this guy is constantly e-mailing you and you find yourself feeling weak.
-Helping Sister
taniamirza1,
What do you expect when you meet someone online? Anyone can tell you anything!? Close your computer and don't give him another thought. As the mother of a daughter who met a man on the internet and spent three years devoted fully to him while he played his game of cat and mouse...I know what I'm talking about. She thought her world ended but in reality it had only begun. We all do stupid things but meeting a guy or girl via the web is simply that...stupid. You have nothing to gauge their character on or any means of truly learning about this person. They play with your heart like it is nothing...they do not care, you are simply a person sitting behind a computer screen. Disposable at the drop of a hat. You must know you are so much better than that.