Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Irresponsible father has affairs with other women, which upsets my mother

Depressed wife after finding out of husband's affair.

Assalamu Alaykum.

I'm in a tough situation with my dad. Before I explain my situation I would like to give you a little knowledge about my dad. He is the type of person who would lie to avoid paying a fine, he claims benefits even though he is not entitled to it, he swears on a daily basis, he makes life for me and my siblings and my mother nothing short of miserable whether he be abroad or at home. My mother works to pay for the house while he sits at home all day, waking up at 1PM and then expects my mother to have cooked before she leaves for work at 7:30AM. Nearly all my mother's money pays for the house and my dad's benefits pay for the rest. He has about $800,000 in savings abroad and refuses to use it on the house and makes my mother pay for everything. He has never withdrawn any money from that money to pay for anything in the house. This has been going on for many years since my mother started working.

About 2 years ago while my father was travelling to the USA we found his external hard-drive that he backs up his laptop on. My younger sister was curious and found hundreds of pages of him speaking to other women. I will not go into details into what was said in those chats but they were very explicit. We then found pictures of him in bed with her smiling and laughing like he never does with our family. My mother went crazy and confronted him online and he at first didn't acknowledge what he did was wrong but then became apologetic and said he would change. He came back from the US and within a week he was back to his old self. My mother is constantly upset while he is in the house.

I then recently found more chats to other women on his Skype with the same illicit chats, he even has a fake Facebook account that he uses to speak to women online. My mother feels that if she divorces him she won't be able to pay for the house and bills while my dad keeps all his money abroad. If she gets an Islamic divorce she won't get a penny and we would end up having to sell the house.

Brother Muslim.

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3 Responses »

  1. Brother,

    I don't even know what to say other than, I am so sorry that you and your siblings have to deal with something of this nature. Your mother must be devastated. As a woman myself, I can totally understand where your mother is coming from in regards to finances and such. It is a horrible thing to not be able to do anything and feel like you have no way out due to a lack of money. It's like your stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do you have any uncles or close family members that you might get involved here? It's sad's like he is aware of the pain and suffering he is causing all of you but due to his behavior, he doesn't care. I will definitely pray for you and your family.


  2. Wa'alaykumsalam,

    No offence but your dad seems to be a greedy, selfsih, terrible etc man. The list goes on by what you've mentioned. He's filthy rich, he ignores his family and have extra-marital affairs. All I know is that, he is going to end up in one place. The place which Allah promised for men like your dad.
    A hadith comes to mind where our Prophet said many of the inhabitants of hell are the rich folks.
    Some people think that, those who are rich have an awesome life etc. But it is certainly a big test by Allah. Your dad seems to not realise this.
    I pity you, your siblings and your mum big time for experiancing such horror situation. Know that your mum is devastated and all she needs right now is emotional attachment by her children. Please, be very kind and respectfull towards your mum no matter what even if she's angry at you all, tell your siblings to do the same. I know how it feels when mother/wife finds out about this. ( My mum went through the same period of devastation and denial when 7 yrs ago we found out of our dad's second marriage after 25 yrs of being married to my mum. My mum's in-laws were never really greatfull to her as she is a revert before marriage. We were aggressive and we couldn't accept what he did to my mum. Me and my brother helped our mum emotionally, we stood by her and comforted her and told her that we will always be there for her no matter what. She believes that all she have now is us. I even went on to wrestle my dad when I was 15 lol. My bro nd mum held me back. He obviously didn't fight back. It was my bad I know. Then we've learned that the woman my dad married doesn't have a dad, divorced, sick mum, infertile and 35 years old. Thats why my dad took care of her as she is also a close relative. All these time my dad was submissive to all the verbal, physical, emotional abuses my mum gave him. I pity my dad. He loved us all dearly. Till now our family is intact and is filled with love but for my mum, there's already a black scar in her heart. My mum also wanted seperation before but she couldn't do it as we have no where to go. But since me and my bro are almost standing on our own. Only Allah knows whats my mum thinking next. But no matter what we will support and love both my mum and dad for they sacrificed for us so much.)

    lol I got carried away.

    Anyways what I'm saying is that your eldest siblings has to take household responsibilities too. Help your mum when she comes back from work etc. And when you or your siblings can live independently, this may help your mum to seek divorce if she wishes. But for now, your family apart for your dad is helpless. Whoever is the eldest child, tell him/her to confront your dad. Tell your dad that everyone is hurt and he needs to stop his monstorous behavior. Tell him to fear Allah for what he is doing is totally forbidden in Islam. Do it in a good way. If all is in vain then I believe that you have two choices-
    1) Stay intact, have patience by hoping that the situation would improve and when you or your siblings can stand by your own, help your mum for whatever she wishes.

    2) Divorce him.

    But since you've said that you all cannot support yourselves, I wouldn't advice point 2. Keep that as a last resort for now. Do not make a permanent decision on a temporary emotion. Plan well.

    Ask Allah to help you all and insha'Allah He will ease your situation.

  3. hmmm...i dnt know what to add, bros have said everything, i pray that your dad will repent from his bad motives so as to take care of family,oh Allah forgve us our sin

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