Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is attraction necessary?

Forbidden marriage, no marriage

Should I marry him?

Hi i just joined to ask for advice on something which is keeping me up at night. I got engaged 2 weeks ago, it was all arranged i just talked to the guy twice before the engagement that too among other people. The dude didn't really impress me in personality but because everyone else loved him so much and everything else was perfect about him i decided to give it a go. I told my parents that this is just an engagement and that if i didn't like the guy I'll have the right to call it off before nikah. Now 2 weeks in i talk to him every now and then but there's just something about that guy i just can't stand. I hate talking to him it makes me so uncomfortable also there's the fact that I'm not attracted to him at all like not even 1%. I tried to like him but there is zero attraction and it makes me so scared the thought of spending my whole life with someone im so repulsed by. What should i do? Attraction is very important to me should i go ahead with this marriage? Is it good to marry someone with whom you find no attraction at all?
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7 Responses »

  1. Dear XaraX

    You have a right to turn him down, if you are repulsed by him.
    The fact you "can't stand him"shows your gut feeling. Don't indulge into conversation with him, just to avoid him getting involved. Stop all communication with him.
    I assume your parents have done isteqaraH prior to getting you engaged.?
    I would suggest you perform isteqaraH and continue doing so till something positive happens.either you would happily get married to him or happily break the engagement? tell your family how you feel..

  2. Just curious how would you rate your family members in term of attractiveness compared to your potential husband. You should let your mom know that you don't like the guy even 1%. Next time you talk to him don't try to like him, just try to know him.

  3. Call off the engagement, this man is not right for you. It's not the end of the world, and it's not something to stress yourself out over. You're not supposed to feel repulsed, scared and hatred towards the person that's going to be your spouse, lol.

  4. Salam,

    You cancel now without a second thought. Move on to the next guy and see if he's a better fit. It isn't about what everyone else thinks is great about the guy. They could love him and they should marry him. You may love a guy that everyone else doesn't find attractive. Cancel and don't worry about it.

  5. Assalaamualaikum

    Attraction is so necessary that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) has said in a hadith:

    From Abu Hurayrah: “I was with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when a man came and told him that he had married a woman of the Ansaar. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him, ‘Have you seen her?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Go and look at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansaar.” (Reported by Muslim and by al-Daaraqutni)

    From al-Mugheerah ibn Shu’bah: “I proposed marriage to a woman, and the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘Have you seen her?’ I said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility be established between you.’” According to another report: “So he did that, and he married her and mentioned that they got along.” (Reported by al-Daaraqutni, Ibn Maajah)

    Marry whom you’re attracted to. One of the purposes of marriage is to lower your gaze!

    Abdullah Ibn Mas’ud (RA) narrated: We went out with Allah’s Messenger (SAW) while we were young men and we were unable to do anything (that is, not even afford marriage). He said, “O Group of young men! It is incumbent that you marry for it protects the eye and the private parts. So, he among you who cannot marry, let him fast, for, fasting dries up (lust)”. [Tirmidhi 1083, Ahmed 4023, Bukhari 1905, Muslim 1400, Abu Dawud 2046, Nisai 3206, Ibn e Majah 1845]

    The adopted son of Prophet Muhammad (SAW), Zayd ibn Harith (RA), who was married to Zaynab bint Jahsh (RA), prophet Muhammad's (SAW) cousin, where the marriage was arranged by the Prophet himself, had ended in divorce!

    Zayd ibn Harith (RA), hose background was very different to that of Zaynab bint Jahsh. Zayd had been taken prisoner while he was still a child during one of the inter-tribal wars that had been common before the coming of Islam. He had been sold as a slave to a nephew of Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) who had given Zayd to her as a gift. In turn, Khadijah had given him to the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) in the days before the revelation of the Qur'an had begun, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) had given him his freedom and adopted him as his own son, at the age of eight.

    The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) had watched both Zayd and Zaynab grow up, and thought they would make a good couple, and that their marriage would demonstrate that it was not who their ancestors were, but rather their standing in the sight of Allah, that mattered. When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) asked for her hand on behalf of Zayd, Zaynab had her family were shocked at the idea of her marrying a man who in their eyes was only a freed slave. Moreover, Zaynab had wanted to marry the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) himself and in fact he had already been asked by her family whether or not he would like to marry her. At first both she and her brother refused, but then the following ayat was revealed:

    It is not for a believing man or a believing woman, when a matter has been decided by Allah and His Messenger, to have any say in their decision; and whoever disobeys Allah and His Messenger has most clearly gone astray. (Quran 33:36)

    When Zayd, who had also had misgivings about the proposed match, and Zaynab realized that there was no difference between what the Prophet wanted and what Allah wanted, they both agreed to the marriage, the Prophet providing a handsome dowry for Zaynab on Zayd's behalf. The marriage, however, was not a success. Although both Zaynab and Zayd were the best of people, who loved Allah and His Messenger, they were very different and in the end they could not overcome their incompatibility. Zayd asked the Prophet's permission to divorce Zaynab more than once, and although he was counseled to hold onto his wife and to fear Allah, in the end the divorce took place. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) then was ordered by Allah to marry Zaynab bint Jahsh.
    Ibn Kathir: Wives of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW)

    May Allah find you the best husband.

  6. No !!!! Call it off !!!

    Turn it down!!!

    Attraction is compulsory
    And it fades away wirh time!

    Dont marry tht guy.!!!

    Theres nothing wrong in breaking engagement!

  7. Unfortunately most of husbands and wives after marriage don't find any attraction between them .
    As per some views above ,they all need to start divorcing each other because it is so halal.

    Even if you find some body attractive before marriage but there is no guaranty you will get attracted to him/her aftter marriage while having sex .You might not like his/her body which you can see only after marriage ..

    In above case she can say no as she is not married but for married people with kids and commitments there is no straight black and white answers . People should avoid giving blanket statements .

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