Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is he a good choice for marriage?

The Perfect

Dear Brothers and Sisters [Uncles and Aunts],

Al Salaam Alykom Wa Rahmato Allah Wa Barakatoh (Peace and Allah's Mercy and Blessings be upon you),

First of all I'd like to sincerely thank you all [admins, moderators and members] for your very precious time, effort and advice that you so selflessly give in every post I've read here.

Second, this is my first post and I, unfortunately, come here to you with a sad heart asking for your opinions on a matter that has been troubling me greatly for many years now. It's a very long story but I'll keep it as brief as possible so as not to burden you any more than this already is. I wish to say that I understand perfectly if anyone feels burdened to reply and it's alright if I get no answers at all. On the other hand, I welcome all replies and comments no matter how harsh.

The question I've come to ask is this:

Reading the following description of certain negative qualities in a Muslim young man (say 25 years old), do you see him fit for marriage? Would you describe this guy as qualified to be a good husband to your sister/cousin/daughter/niece (the point is that these are people whom you -with Allah's will- care about deeply and wish them nothing but the best of the best)?

Before I begin, I'd like to point out that I am aware that- aside from Messengers & Prophets (Best of Prayers and Peace be upon them all)- there is no such thing as a perfect human being. Every person has positive and negative qualities. This concept is acceptable. However, there are certain negative strands (characteristics) that are just big red flags. They make a person unqualified/undesirable in certain situations. That is the core of the question I wrote above.

So, this 25 years old Muslim guy, an engineering college graduate, has:

  1. No interest or motivation in life.
    1. He does not want and doesn't dream of achieving anything in life, and he's pushing himself through each day just to survive so Allah would not punish him for neglecting himself
  2. No ambition to work.
    1. Again, he only works so Allah would not punish him for doing nothing with his life
  3. He will push himself to work out of necessity (he knows he must work), but since there's no motivation, he has no ambition to ever get promoted or to advance his career
  4. Constant consistent chronic depression. He tries to hide it and he succeeds most of the time, but sometimes (once a week or once every month) there's too much sadness and the act falls apart, it's clear to everyone around him that he is depressed.
  5. There's no easy way to say this... he's a passive coward...

Husbands who are good at being nice to their wife, they are good at having conversations with her, they are good at being considerate of her, they are good at paying attention to her; and in general, they are good at meeting her “female companionship needs”. But, there are two problems. First, they don’t meet the deeper “primal female needs” that she has. Even worse is the second problem- they lack that strength and masculinity (in relation to their wife) that she wants and needs in order to be attracted to them.

Husbands who fall in this group generally experience a significant drop-off in affection and intimacy from their wife within just a couple of years of marriage or less. Generally, by the time 4 – 8 years of marriage rolls around, the marriage is in serious jeopardy as the wife has pretty much disengaged completely from her husband. Often, the wife of this kind of husband has cheated on her husband -sometimes just emotionally, sometimes physically. And all the while, the husband is trying even harder to be “nice” to his wife in an effort to get her to once again be attracted to him.


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3 Responses »

  1. It’s really up to you if you want to accept some of his flaws. It may or may not be a great deal others. Now about being depressed all the time, I would be careful if I want someone like that. Ask him directly if he suffers from it. Most importantly pray Istikhara, don’t skip it. When my ex friend was talking to her fiancé. He would be depressed for days, no communication. She faced it couple of times and then broke off the engagement, plus he had other issues.

  2. Al Salaamu Alaykum,

    I won't comment on the assertion that he's a "passive coward". That's a pretty disrespectful and subjective judgment.

    The lack of ambition and working just to "avoid punishment" sounds like it has more to do with his depression, which you clearly indicated, than anything else.

    So let's just talk about this man as a depressed individual. Is he a good choice for marriage? Well, he has a health condition with his depression. Just like a person with any health condition, a woman considering him for marriage must ask herself if she is 1. willing and 2. able to provide the support he would need and tolerate the inherent frustrations of living with someone in that shape.

    To be honest, it doesn't sound like you're feeling inclined to that. And you know what? That's ok. It's your free choice to not enter into that sort of situation, and Allah won't count it against you. You have every right to seek the sort of spouse who meets your own needs and who shares your same values and goals. You don't need external "data" to support what matters to you. It's your God-given right already.

    -Amy Editor

  3. Salam,

    This man does not sound like a passive coward. He just sounds depressed. It could be he's depressed because he wasn't able to get a girl he was in love with. It could be that he has family pressure and is forced to live a life that he doesn't want to live. The main problem is his depression though. Getting an engineering degree is not easy, it's not so easy that one could get it despite not wanting to get it. One really has to work towards getting it. As for not wanting a promotion, that's not a big deal. Promotions come with extra work and change one's work/life balance. Getting repeatedly promoted could mean spending 60-80 hours at work and that's not a life.

    Now in terms of this man being qualified for marriage that really depends on what his spouse wants. Some spouses may have a horde of friends and may need very little from their husbands. Others may want everything from their husbands. It is less about him being qualified and more about whether you can be in this marriage and stay within the limits set by Allah. If you feel you cannot then you should get a divorce. No point in accruing sin when you don't have to.

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