Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is he playing games with me and only wants to use me?

free spirit feelings

Hello to everyone! I'm a Christian girl in a long distance relationship with a Muslim man. We met online in the middle of July on a socialising site similar to Facebook. I never considered starting a relationship with someone I met online, let alone with a person from different continent because I thought nothing serious could come from such a relation. To make it short I was kinda depressed, the death of my father impacted me very much, my father was the person that loved me most and always supported me. So on internet I was only looking for friendly chats, to get in better mood, not to always think about my problems.

He had all the right words and he made me open up about many things I never discussed with anyone and this created a certain bond between us. We started as friends, but he asked me if I can accept him as a boyfriend. I accepted cause I really developed feelings for him after months of chatting. He told me he is looking for something serious, said he wants to marry me and have a family. This made me appreciate him even more because me living in Europe where hookup culture prevails and most guys only look for fun and adventure, he was something different, closer to my values. Now problems appeared in December, he insisted very much to meet, I wasn't ready, had doubts about his true intentions with me cause he mentioned often sex even though he knew I am a virgin and told him many times that I'm not looking for fun and if he isn't serious about me to leave me alone. Now I am very much confused, because this year we argued again badly and he used insulting words toward me such as: whore, stupid bitch, go to hell, fuck off and saying bad things about my nationality, saying people from my country are Europe's garbage and all this because I told him better to end things cause there is no point to continue. I didn't want to end things but he is always busy with work, being online mostly at late hours at midnight so I have been very understanding but with time I started to doubt him, thinking maybe he even has a wife and maybe kids and that's why he is so busy during day. He is Pakistani and I read that in their culture they marry at early ages, some with cousins so kinda strange for a man in his early thirties not to be married and to be single.

After all those insults after few days he apologised saying he didn't want to hurt me, that he is sorry and to forgive him. I did and things were OK for few days till he again started being very busy with work, he travels a lot. It got to the point that he only sends me one or two messages daily in reply to me wishing him good morning and such. But he still insists on meeting. He doesn't want to come to my country, cause here he can't enter without a Visa so he wants to meet in Turkey. I want to meet him but on the same time I don't know if I can trust him being sincere about wanting to marry me or he only says that to get what he wants from me and then to disappear. All this doubts are really making me sad. He said he had a bad past with women and alcohol, but said he changed and at age 26 he became religious. I want to believe him very much, but simply I can't sometimes.

My question is how should I handle the whole situation? Any opinion would be highly appreciated. I want to know if I should trust his words or he is only deceiving me with wanting marriage and a family with me for the simple purpose of sex? Could a Muslim man lie with such serious stuff?

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

32 Responses »

  1. Run far far away. A decent man will come and meet your family and introduce himself. He is bad news.

  2. Hi. Well, first of all, yes a muslim man can lie. Religion doesn't define most people. Character does. And by abusing you, he has shown his true character. You may be too attached to him but I would honestly suggest and enforce that you leave him. And please DONT, just Don't meet him like that especially in a foreign country. You could get kidnapped. If you still want to meet him, though, then take some relatives with you or trustworthy male friends. But don't go alone at all please. About talking more with him, I think you should stop that too because his intentions seem bad from reading what you mentioned about him.
    I realize it'll be hard for you to forget him but trust me youll find a better guy soon. If you need help in that or have more questions, feel free to ask. Also if you need guidance in private, just express your desire and we can manage that too.

    • Hello! Thank you for your kind reply!

      It is very true that a person is defined by it's character, not religion. I don't know, I probably expected more from him cause he said he's religious so in my mind I thought a religious man won't do such because of morals and own principles.

      We are still communicating mostly via Whatsapp and he still insists on meeting. From the time I posted this a month ago many things happened, we argued again but then got back after 2 weeks. At this point I'm not sure what to do. In a way after 9 months I think would be good to meet and decide what will happen next, if there is going to happen any marriage in near future or would be better to part ways. But in the same time I think it's wrong for me to go alone in a foreign country cause it presents risks... He said that if all goes well after meeting he plans to come to my country and meet my mother.

      This is very difficult for me cause I have feelings for him and I felt very bad when we argued and didn't talk for 2 weeks. And some times he appears honest, like he really cares about me. But then when I remember all the bad words he used towards me when he was angry I begin to think that I act like a doormat, a person with self-esteem issues who forgives him too easily. Truth is the whole situation is very complicated.

  3. Yes, he very much can lie and he is lieing. More to the point, my question to you is - why would you want to be with someone who could call you a whore??? And he mentioned your country as well which makes me absolutely sure your instincts are right - he assumed since youre from this part of the world you would be up for a casual relationship and since you proved him wrong he got mad and called you those awful things. He may have been mad but for a man to call you that even in anger doesnt come from anywhere and says a lot about his mindset - you need to RUN. Block delete and forget about this man. Theres so many stories of these men using women getting them pregnant and then going off to marry someone of the same religion/culture.

    • Hi! Thank you very much for taking the time to read and reply to my post.

      About the question, I do realise he used very mean words that shouldn't had been used. He apologized, I thought that he made a mistake and as long as this doesn't repeat I should give him a second chance.

      I opened up to him and talked about many things that I never discussed with others, I feel we have a connection, similar personalities, we think alike in many ways, we have the same sense of humour so I find it hard to walk away. That's why I decided to let that incident with the insults slip.

      I asked him why he didn't marry a girl from his country, because then it wouldn't be culture difference and also different religion and he said he doesn't like their mentality. Also asked him if his parents would agree with me, if they don't want him to marry a certain girl and he said he can choose, they don't have a problem with this.

      I told him many times to be honest with me and not to play games. He always says he isn't playing and doesn't want to use me saying that he wouldn't have waited for so long to meet me if he would look only for fun. He even said that if he wanted he could buy sex cause there are many prostitutes in Dubai (he lives there currently).

  4. Sister! Muslim men can lie. Him just saying he is religious does not make him one. The words he used for you tell his character. I am from Pakistan as well. And I am telling you that I have seen married men, with wife and children, trying their best to talk to someone online. And since you are from continent apart, so he just wanted to talk to some girl. Believe me, many men in Pakistan would be desiring to talk to women and cheat their wife. Well this is not just for Pakistani men btw. I have seen same even here in Germany. So it is more like a men phenomenon. True men would not call a "person" who supposedly he loves, a "whore" or bi*ch" etc. Leave him, block him. Many men even look for visa or may be he just wants to pursue you to bed somehow or may be phone sex or whatever. He is bad news. Leave him. Btw you will find such men in all cultures and religions, I hope you understand it. May God bless and help you! Ameen.

    • Hello! Thank you for your reply!

      It is true that good and bad people exist in every culture. I only mentioned him being from Pakistan because I read online about Pakistani culture, that many people there accept to marry whom their parents choose for them because they want to make their parents happy. I thought maybe this detail would be maybe relevant to mention in my case. He told me few days ago that if he will get married, he could leave his wife, but not his parents. In the last 2 weeks he asked me what's my biggest dream, where would I like us to live if we get married and from this I think he must be serious. I mean why to invent so many things.

      About using those bad words, he apologized and said he got very angry but he didn't mean it. About him pursuing me for getting a Visa I don't think so, he lives in Dubai, his family lives in other countries, not in Pakistan and he said he doesn't want to live in Europe in the future.

      I don't know, maybe I'm making excuses for him and just can't see the reality. But I told him more than once that if he isn't serious about me to just leave me alone. I have told him very clearly that I'm not looking for fun or casual relationship. He says he doesn't either and that if all goes well after meeting he wants to marry me and will come to meet my mother. Am I being too naive? That is really the question. For now we still keep in touch, but he insists on meeting this month. I'm not really convinced what to do.

      May God bless you too!

  5. Sister a respectable Muslim man with good intentions wouldn't ask you to meet somewhere alone!! If he couldn't come to your country he would ask you to come to his country and meet his family!
    Has he introduce you to his family yet?

    By the way he is speaking to you it doesn't sound like a good man, I would walk away!! He is giving you red flags and you don't see them! Imagine your self in a foreign country and stuck with this guy who you think you love and he starts to miss treat you because your not doing what he wants you to??

    Ask him.. If your intentions are to marry than introduce me to your family! And I will go to Pakistan with a couple of my relatives, and see what he says!!

    Anyone can lie, just like Chritians so do Muslim and the rest of the world!

    Good luck to you

    • Thank you for your reply! It actually made me think more.

      I didn't really thought from this perspective, I admit. He always said he will never break my trust and hurt me. Assured me many times it would be safe and nothing wrong would happen. But what you said about him mistreating me if I don't do what he expects, well maybe you are right. He seemed patient but when he insulted me he became so angry that in a real life situation, being face to face maybe it can get out of hand. I don't know, till now I didn't really considered this, for him to be abusive if things don't turn out as he wants.

      And no, he didn't introduce me to his family yet. He knows I only have my mother now, no brothers or sisters or any grandparents (they died) and with cousins, uncles and aunts we only visit each other during holidays, so we aren't that close. He has a larger family, talked about them at the very beginning when we started talking. I think you are very right, he insists too much to meet me alone in Turkey! That actually bothered me and I didn't go cause I did have some doubts and that's the reason I decided to ask here for advice, to get better insight.

      Good luck to you too! I appreciate very much what you wrote. Thank you again!

  6. Dont trust him sister. Hes simply cheating and leing. If he was so serious about you he wod,ve intraduce u to his family. If not whole family may be just his mother farther or one of them. Him keeping u as a secret explaines evrything. Dont meet him unless ur 100% sure he wont hurt u etc.. Try to contact his famly or perents before meeting him. Expline evrything to them and ask them wht do they think about u and him marrying. So Ask him for his mother father or somone alse's nmber in his family so u can talk to thm urself. If hes serious and true and have the fear of not losing u then he will give u somone's nmber or contact adress if not then he will make many excuses and may get angry as well. If he dosnt give anyone's nmber and wants to keep u as secret until u meet him then that shold be his last chance. Cut all contact with him and never meet him especialy alone.

  7. Salam,

    The very best advice I could offer anyone in your situation is to stop all contact immediately and block them. If you are not afraid for yourself, I am afraid for you. As others have said, run far, far away. Nothing good can come from this at all.


  8. He is bad news sister and only playing games. Trust me, he knows your buttons so he'll promise you the heavens and earths

    Also, what does he mean by "if everything goes well " after the meeting then he'll consider marriage . Doesn't that alone ring a bell as to his sincerity .

    I know it'll be hard sister but pls pls pls walk away else you'll live to regret it

  9. Hi there.He is doing haram.If he was so religious he would not be in this relationship at all.It is wrongly for any man women to have any form of contact.In other words this is adultery. Besides this .it is not possible to marry anyone besides a Muslim. Muslim means in Arabic ONE WHO SUBMITS TO GOD (ALLAH) COMPLETELY! MOST MEN ONLY WANT SATISFACTION AND THAT'S SEX.WHAT ELSE DOES THE WORLD SELL?

  10. Dear sister, please be aware of being cheated by deceivers. and what did u understand by "if everything goes well "? suppose if something didnt go well, then he won't meet ur mom. what does he mean by that "everything"?? know that, meeting alone before marriage is prohibited in Islam and if he wants to meet, he goes against the ruling, so the "Religiousness" is nothing other than adhering to the limits of Islam. be practical...

    • Hello!

      By everything goes well he meant if we like each other in real and then we decide the next steps for the future. We talked more these days and he said he respects me and assured me of his intentions that he's honest. We are still talking and decided to meet in the summer so not very soon.

  11. Sister I doubt he is a good man. Because never believe a man or women based their character during the initial days of relationship as its only a veil that that they wear to impress the other. As the relationship grow and as they feel comfort to each other on sharing anything they will unveil their character and show you the real he/she. Hope you are matured enough sister to judge him without further details.

    However, a good muslim will never do such things as you were saying about him. He will neither chat online nor his faith let him talk sexual things. Its prohibited to a muslim to have such relation prior marriage even after engagement. Looking at a strange women or talking to her any further advancement are only allowed to a muslim man with his wife only after nikah the bond of marriage. Further sister, a muslim cannot marry a non muslim she being a non muslim, I really dont understand how can he talk marriage when you are not muslim and you cannot become a musilm purely for the purpose of marrying him. You need understand the religion and embrace islam without any external pressure.

    If you really confused of his character go for a test. Check him whether he establishes daily 5 times of prayer or not. Its compulsory upon every muslim to do so, hence, if he is not I say with all possibility that he isnt a good man if he is then you can believe his words. Remember sister such practicing muslin will never chat or talk or do all such mentioned things.

    Hope you are clarified eventhough its late to post my reply. Meanwhile sister I call you to study and understand islam and if you find any query feel free to post here. Insha Allah I feel you will understand better and may Allah give me knowledge to clarify you.

    • Hello!

      Thank you for your reply! I agree that at first people try to show their qualities, not their flaws. About marriage from what I read it's allowed for a Muslim man to marry a non - Muslim woman if she's Christian. He even asked me if I would think about converting in the future. But now that's a distanced topic. I started reading Quran and started browsing this page and reading more.

      I know relationships are not permitted in Islam and the way we started talking online wasn't the best, but otherwise we wouldn't had met, if not for the internet.

      I will try to find out if he really prays 5 times a day.

      • Sister may I humbly gently request you to give the reference for marrying a non-musilm or christian bcs I am a student of islamic knowledge and I haven't came across such reference. If you could really help me out, Insha Allah I will go through the same and discuss with my teachers and scholars. I am humble to learn anything about islam even if it is from you sister. But remember sister, islam is not what people practice or expound it is the quranic verses, teachings of prophet and his companions. Hope and pray May Allah guide me to overpower my ego.

        • I found this site that answers this question with verses from Quran. I will attach the link. Especially the last verse is important.

          • The link you posted belongs to a deviant sect called the submitters, who claim to follow Quran only and who reject the Sunnah and teachings of the Prophet Muhammad (sws) entirely. They are not Muslims.


          • Jazakallah for Admin for the intervention.

            Thank a ton to sister from the bottom of the heart for being a reason for me learning an additional islamic knowledge. I am grateful to you sister.

            I had discussion with my teachers on this subject and the truth is it is not permissible to a muslim to marry a non-muslim. But it is permissible to marry a non-muslim with a conditon that he/she should be the offspring of Banu Israel or his/her ancestor should have believed in Prophet Isa (a.s) as a prophet of Allah. Yet the scholars says its not suggested to marry even such a non-muslim if she/he is not willing to revert to islam but the marriage will not be void. This has been wrongly interpreted as muslims can marry christian. Moreover since its really difficulty rather impossibly to find out the belief of ancestors its not permissible to marry Christians as well unless one is accurate about the ancestral faith. As Quran advises to move to move to things which has no confusion when you are confused in.

            However my sincere gratitude and respect will be there for you forever for being a reason for my new discussion. May Allah guide you sister.

  12. I'm sorry to say this but you are a naive girl and i would advise you not to go to Turkey or anywhere else to meet him. I'm sure he has plans for you there, and he will not go to all that trouble and leave you unharmed. Who's to say he will not rape you there? In fact, the odds are that he will do exactly that. I have no doubt that thats the main reason he wants you there. He probably is already rejoicing and fantasising about that moment. First maybe he will try to convince you and sweettalk you into doing it voluntarily, but if you refuse i'm sure he'll force himself unto you. And who's gonna help you there? In a foreign country, at his mercy? Don't put yourself into that position. Especially being a virgin and all, that would be so heartbreaking to you, and to me that doesn't even know you.
    By the way you sound to me like a young girl, wich is the favourite prey for these types of guys. And you are right, if he's in his thirties, I bet you that he's already married, and probably treating his wife like dirt. Pakistani men in their thirties are all married.
    Sweet girl, he doesn't deserve your love and all that you think this "relationship" is, it exists only in your mind.
    This is just a horny guy thats trying this with a lot of other girls, don't think you are the only one.
    But if I'm right you're gonna be thinking: no, this can't be true, I'm sure there's something real between us, I can feel it. And there's nothing I can say to convince you.
    But just don't go to Turkey...

  13. Hello!

    I appreciate every reply I got and thanking everyone that decided to write an advice. But don't you think rape is kinda too much to assume? I can't imagine him going that low. He said he respects me. I agree that on that arguement he lost it and said many bad things, but that doesn't make him a bad man. Some people are more impulsive sometimes.

    About the statement with the relationship being all in my head, I doubt it. When I tried to end things he got very angry and upset. I know he has his shortcomings and I have mine, no one is perfect.

    I don't think he would hurt me like that, not after I've been so honest with him. I know from the outside this may sound very naive. He is not a bad man. He agreed to change Turkey as place of meeting and come to the neighbour country from where I live because to my country harder to obtain Visa. So in this situation risks are less. I don't think he would come all this way if he wasn't serious.

    • Rape is actually not the worst thing that can happen. A lot of girls are trafficked in this manner and do not realize that the whole friendship on-line can be an elaborate set-up to build trust. By advertising that you are a virgin, you have made yourself doubly vulnerable. Call me cynical (you would be correct), but this world can be a very evil place. If you want to read about a woman who was trafficked by someone she met in her own country and considered a friend for more than 4 years, check out the following book:

      Even if rape and trafficking do not enter the equation, why take the risk when there is no way to know this person's intentions in advance?

      • I have checked the link you sent me and read it all. That is a very sad story. I am aware of bad, very bad things happening in this world.

        But what should I do? Leave him thinking he can be a dangerous person even if in fact he is the opposite? Of course I thought about my safety, that's why I never considered going to Dubai or other places that are so far away, being on other continent.

        And about the virginity I wasn't advertising it, being here anonymous I thought I can say the story with more details so I can be advised better. Even to him I didn't say it out of my own initiative, he asked me directly at some point.

    • I read through this thread, and I see you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. And you are very insistent to do the opposite of what everyone here has advised. So, at least do this safely. Do not go alone. DO NOT GO ALONE. I'm warning you and begging you. Let people know you're going, Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Give his contact to your mother, or a close relative or friend. Even if he wants to wait to see "if you like each other" in person, tell him to talk to your mother. Just as a friend reassuring your mom that you'll be safe. Ask him to do this, and see what he says.

      We want the world to be a good place, but it's very dangerous and scary. People will say and do anything to get what they want, my dear. I used to be the same way as you, I wanted to see the good in people and be trusting and understanding. Sometimes even people whom you love and trust can be ugly and do ugly things. I've had my fair share.

      You said that he's impulsive? But you don't think he's capable of raping you?

      Look, my sister, rape is not how you are imagining it. You feel so close to him, he may MANIPULATE you to have sex with him. He may start out giving kisses or hugs or things that seem innocent at first and then pressure you to go further. And after all that, he will make it to seem like u asked for it. Rape is not just being attacked and forced physically, it's also very psychological.

      In Islam, it says that when a man and woman (not married) are together alone then the devil is the third person. If he is so moral and religious, why would he put u in this position? Why would your virginity even be some topic?

      You seem so young. Be open and tell people where you're going. Lies come from the devil and if you have to lie to anyone close to you about your plans then this is a really bad idea.

  14. To answer your questions my recommendation would be to do a whole lot of video conferencing first. Get your mother involved, get any other friends you have involved in talking with this guy and evaluating him. Similarly, ask to chat with his brothers and sisters, his parents, and his extended family.

    I say this because he asked to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you. One of the things that accompanies this is getting to know your partner's social circle and getting introduced as that person's girlfriend or boyfriend. So if he's serious about you, I would expect him to want to show others that you are his girlfriend and he's serious about marrying you. And he would then also want to meet your mother and as many other family members because he wants to establish with your social circle that he's your boyfriend.

    The fact that you haven't mentioned him wanting to know his social circle or wanting to know yours is a red flag for me. The other issue is the request to meet up in Turkey alone. One usually wishes their significant other to show up with family members both for being introduced and for the safety of one's loved one. If one is interested in a discreet encounter then one asks to meet up alone in a different country, where hopefully no trace of the event is ever known.

    So right now I feel that this is not a good relationship. Also, it shouldn't take him an in person meet to decide the next step. According to you he's invested enough to be boyfriend/girlfriend with you. What's he going to do after the Turkey meetup? Break up with you right after the meetup if he thinks you look different in person than over a camera? If he's not planning on breaking up then why not see the girl's mom or have her come with friends?

  15. PREDATOR!!!! Possible rapist who knows what his true intentions are with you. Forget about him and keep it moving

  16. Thank you all for the advices!

    I broke up with him a few days ago. I reached the conclusion that his intentions are not honest and no point to continue and ever meet. He was just a liar. One part of me always felt things are not right, but I just wanted to believe we have a future.

  17. Good luck sister. Go for it. Remember its not our advises that guided you, it is the divine help of Allah because you took an instant.

    Prince of your life somewhere waiting for your sister, dont disappoint him.

    Pray for us.

  18. walikum salam , please read about Islam and Quran too , Muslims are not representing true islam , but u need to read from books , you should marry a good muslim man and accept Islam inshallah .

Leave a Response